Medical Advice Question: I need to remove my appendix with a 12/17" Forstner bit at 21 million rpm

[Rabrrrrrr]

How much iodine should I put on the cut zone, and do I need to take the 400 grams of Flucloxacillin before I start, or after?

And when it's done, what kind of pulpwood poultice is best - do I grind up the mushroom encrusted partly decayed birch branch, or the termite infested and formaldehyde-loaded plywood? And once that's on, do I take the 22 gram mercury pills once or twice an hour? I can't quite read the writing on the authoritative source on this operation, Kaczynski's Appendix Removal Manifesto, since my copy is an early hand-written one.

[seemunkee]

1. Take the Flucloxacillin before

If you are a softwood, hardwoods take it after

[ThomCat]

2. Those mercury pills are the essential part. Don't skimp on those.

:P

[Rabrrrrrr]

3. That's what I was thinking. Thanks! I figure, the more the better, right?

If one pill is good, then two must be better.

[Solon]

4. Hmm...that reminds me of the time I used a Dremel tool...

to perform open heart surgery on myself. I used an electric tire pump, four manual bike pumps, and a bong for the heart/lung machine. I was replacing my heart with an artificial one made from those wide straws you can buy at certain stores, a four sandwich baggies, and superglue to bind it all together. Worked like a charm. ;)

[u4ic]

5. Just shoot it out with a gun instead

[mainegreen]

6. What the hell are you thinking?

First off, everyone knows the appropriate tool is a paleolithic style chert flake knife, preferably made with a basalt hammerstone. The combination of jagged and sharp edges ensures both a clean cut as well as enough tearing to ensure blood clotting, allowing for the healing process to proceed with rapidity. Next, the appendix when removed actually will produce secretions that when squeezed back onto the wound increase antibiotic activity, thus negating the need for any other cleansing or poultice. This was clearly illustrated in the 1994 paper 'vermiform appendix intestinal flora twin-arginine translocation pathway secretion and reduced viral and phage load' by Cecum Proteasome in Intestinal Digest. You do read Intestinal Digest, don't you?

[Rabrrrrrr]

7. Oh, God, another Intestinal Digest cultist.

Enjoy casting your irrelevant vote for Hillary, while I actually practice real medicine, not paranoid pseudo-science like Intestinal Digest, the Dan Brown of medical journals.