Step-parent involvement with kids.... A question.....

[malta blue]

Little MB's biological father is VERY involved in her life, and sees her every other day. He rarely misses a Tae Kwon Do test or ceremony, soccer game, etc. She will be 9 next month.


Mr MB and I have been married 2 1/2 years now.

My commute/job entails that I leave the house no later than 7 so that I can be able to pick her up when the after school program ends in the afternoon. Mr MB is home with her in the morning after I leave for work.

The thing is, he is always asleep. He thinks she should be able to get herself ready and out to the bus stop all by herself. Now, we have managed to keep her alive thus far, so obviously, it is not killing her. BUT, I wish to hell he would get up and at least make sure she brushes her teeth before walking out the door. And this week she forgot to take her lunch box to school three times and two of the three were on days where there was a field trip and she really NEEDED to have her own lunch. Luckily I always make sure there is a spare $5 in her backpack - but the teacher had to go with her to stand in line for whatever they sold at the place where the field trips were....


He said he was doing the morning routine all alone since he was 6 and he turned out okay (he has mommy issues that he refuses to confront, but to him that is ok).

I feel that she is starting to go through some changes in maturation (kids grow up dammit) and his being awake and talking to her in the morning would be a good thing. Plus, it's not like it is soooo early in the morning. I leave by 7, and she is usually awake and watching TV by then. But the bus doesn't come until 8:20. Is it too much to ask for him to be available for her for the last 30 minutes, reminding her to take her lunch box, etc?

How involved are DU step-parents in day to day childrearing? If you had a stepparent, were they involved?

C'mon loungers, help me out here....

[joneschick]

1. first off I'm not a step-parent

(I have a step-MIL that's younger than me, but that's another story)
For your situation, I'm thinking in loco parentis. She's nine for crying out loud! If he's there, he needs to be available and involved. Expecting her to be developing independence is terrific. I've always told my girls that my job was to bring them up so that they don't need me. (I've also told them since they were small, that the best that any parent can hope to do is to bring up a child that can someday pay for their own therapy) Developing independence and leaving the kid to fend for herself are vastly different undertakings. my $.02 worth, ymmv. :hi:

[malta blue]

2. Okay, so I am not so far off the mark...

You know, he still sometimes suffers from the "roommate" mentality - takes the clothes out of the dryer, folds his and leaves hers and mine in a pile on the table.... :banghead:

I am sure bringing this up is going to cause some conflict, but I think it is crucial. When we were dating he was all excited about having a step-daughter, etc., but now it seems that he does not want to be involved. I used a friend of mine as an example - the guy still makes breakfast every day for the kids- the youngest is 16 :wow: and yet, Mr MB thinks she is old enough to do it alone....

[Chan790]

3. A step-parent is still a parent...

if not a biological parent. My stepfather is more involved than my father ever was. I don't think your request is unreasonable...which brings me to my point: Yes, it's about the kid...but it's not really about the kid, it's about you needing something from him and him not being willing to help out. That's what marriages are about...mutual support for needs, based in love. I'm not sure if I were you that I'd be willing to accept that without complaint.

[malta blue]

4. That is a very good point - thank you.....

I see that I am not that loco to think he should "help" me out here...

Hell, sometimes I feel like I am doing this all alone still, even though there is someone else in the house...

[mainegreen]

5. Is he worried about over stepping his bounds?

I could see how in some situations the step parent may step back and be more hands offish about parental things (except in situations where authority is needed at that moment or consequences ensue or for safety reasons) because they did not want to be seen as supplanting the biological and still actively involved parents place. Conflict avoidance to make home life and their relationship with the child smoother, and hence their relationship with everyone better off.

:shrug:

[malta blue]

6. I don't think that is the reason.

To be honest, I don't think he wants the responsibility :cry:

[Deep13]

7. Good question. A few points.

This is not a theoretical question for me as I was in that position since about ae 9 or 10. So this is from the perspective of a child whose parents were divorced and who had some other dude married to his mother.

"The thing is, he is always asleep. He thinks she should be able to get herself ready and out to the bus stop all by herself."

I did. The bus stop wasn't far away and I knew how to pour breakfast cereal.

"BUT, I wish to hell he would get up and at least make sure she brushes her teeth before walking out the door."

Why doesn't she remember that? Look, a partnership in marriage is not necessarily a partnership in parenting. The step "parent" has no authority over someone else's child. The worse thing he can do is to try to be her boss. She wll see it as an intrusion and an attempt to usurp her father's position.

"And this week she forgot to take her lunch box to school three times and two of the three were on days where there was a field trip and she really NEEDED to have her own lunch. Luckily I always make sure there is a spare $5 in her backpack - but the teacher had to go with her to stand in line for whatever they sold at the place where the field trips were...."

If you want her to be responsible, you can't bail her out of these tiny emergencies. If she knows there is $5 in the knapsack, then she knows she doesn't need to take her less palatable home-made lunch. Seriously, I dreaded the lunches my mother made because it invariably was balogne.

"He said he was doing the morning routine all alone since he was 6 and he turned out okay (he has mommy issues that he refuses to confront, but to him that is ok)."

The mommy "issues" are neither here nor there.

"I feel that she is starting to go through some changes in maturation (kids grow up dammit) and his being awake and talking to her in the morning would be a good thing."

Jesus Christ, you want the step-father to talk to her about THAT! Uber-creepy!

"Is it too much to ask for him to be available for her for the last 30 minutes, reminding her to take her lunch box, etc?"

Evidently, since he is resisting the idea.

"How involved are DU step-parents in day to day childrearing? If you had a stepparent, were they involved?"

Mine were very involved. The step-mother was involved only on every other weekend. The step father was involved everyday and treated me like I was his kid. I hated his guts for it and was constantly plotting his downfall. Granted he was an alcoholic douchebag, but I resented the intrusion as much as the abuse. I was not his kid. I had a father and that father had different expectations and values. He could not understand why I insisted on cycling 45 minutes to my father's church instead of converting to Catholicism and going to his. (I was 12).

So yeah, I can see that he wants to leave the raising of your daughter to her parents.

[malta blue]

10. Interesting points....

See, I too had step-parents. I had a very involved stepfather - and a stepmother who could drop dead for all I care.

I don't think Little MB would see Mr MB's involvement as an intrusion. She has asked him if he could make her breakfast and there is no reason why he should not.

Who the hell wants to eat a bowl of cold cereal when it is -30 at the bus stop? Wouldn't you have liked a hot breakfast too?

I find your comments rather harsh as far as him being awake and "talking to her" NO - I am not looking for him to take to her about what I assume you consider to be "uber-creepy".

Forgetfulness and good hygiene at age 9 is a common problem which needs to be reinforcement by a parent. I have read several articles all indicating that kids this age need to feel independent but they also need reminders to do the most basic of things.

And as far as his mommy issues - his mom walked when he was a kid and he was forced to fend for himself - and so he did. That is what I mean about him expecting her to do it.

[zingaro]

8. How do they get along?

I would have never dreamed of letting my stepson get ready himself at that age. I stopped "being the mommy" when he was a jr and sr in high school but all the way through middle school I was up with him every morning. And my own kids weren't born until he was older so it wasn't like I was just up with a baby.

Do your daughter and your husband get along well? What sort of work does your husband do that he's home but not awake early? I mean, if he works nights or something that might make it really hard for him to be awake at that time then it might be that he just can't wake up. But I do agree that nine is way too young to be fully self-responsible in the mornings. How big a problem will it create if you sort of insist, because then he might just be plain old awful in the mornings anyway. Would he be amenable to changing his habits if you thought it was necessary?

And maybe most importantly, how does your daughter feel about it?

[malta blue]

12. They get along fine. When he travels for work, she is

very happy to see him when he gets back.

He is a salesman and his office is at home, so he leaves when he is ready to go - does not have to be anywhere at any given time other than his appointments. Sometimes he has to work later into the evening, but he is always home by 9 at the latest.

Right now, she is getting up, getting breakfast, getting dressed, etc., AND walking the dogs before the bus comes. She would really like to have someone there with her guiding her through the morning - I am sure. She sometimes gets up extra early so that she can ask me to make her breakfast in the morning- and I do it - of course. Especially when it is -30 at the bus stop - what kid would want cold cereal those mornings?

I am glad to see that others tend to have the same thoughts on this as I do, because if you asked him, he thinks that I am off the mark.

[Heidi]

9. I was a step-parent for 11 years.

I did everything, and that's no exaggeration, including paying the child support arrearage after my four stepsons came to live with my ex and me. Neither of the boys' parents were very much involved with their children; they mostly were involved with fighting with one another and attempting to turn the boys against the other parent. Those boys -- all of whom are very fine men now -- were the only thing that kept me in that marriage for 11 years. I still am in contact with my former stepsons, but have absolutely no contact with their parents.

[malta blue]

13. Wow Heidi

:applause:

I would have been blessed to have a step-mother like you.

Mine is evil incarnate - used to beat me, lock me in cars in the summer, etc. Perhaps that is why I want so much for Little MB to not feel in any way like I did.....

:hug:

[Heidi]

19. I'm a pacifist: no violence. And I wanted these boys to love and rexpect women.

Boys can't really love and respect women unless they're loved and respected by the women in their lives. (I'm betting the same goes for girls and men.) That's my belief, anyway. All in all, I probably was a very poor step-parent: I was 21 years old when I inherited four stepsons; the oldest was seven years younger than me, and the youngest at that time was five years old. I do believe I did the best I could with what I believed and had; I just wish their mom and dad had been more interested in their kids than in wounding one another. :(

[Midlodemocrat]

11. He needs to get his lazy ass out of bed and watch over that child.

She is 'his' child as well.

As far as forgetting her lunch, Hell's Bells, BoyMidlo forgets his at least once a week, either on the counter with me chasing after him, or in his sister's car.

She's a little kid, fer cryin' out loud. It would be wonderful for her if he got up to be with her in the morning.

[malta blue]

14. Thanks Midlo

:hug:

I don't know how to make him get over the "roommate" mentality. Last week he dusted his dresser in the bedroom and not mine :wow:

I had to call him out on that one and his response was "you have too much stuff on your dresser" :mad:

Anyhow, I may have to really take this one to the mat.

Yesterday when she forgot her lunch, she called from school right before they left on the field trip, but he was still asleep and did not get the phone. It was 9 am - and oh, did I mention we live two doors down from the school - he could have gotten the lunch there in less than a minute. But since he was still sleeping, she had to buy the crap they sold at the caverns they went to visit.

[Madrone]

31. I know how to get him over the roommate mentality!

Adopt it yourself! Oh, and it would probably help if you don't have sex with your roommates - :think: :o :7 ;)

[demmiblue]

15. I don't have any experience RE: step-parenting...

however, I think if a man/woman who marries someone who has children, then they are marrying the family. There are certain boundaries that he shouldn't overstep, but helping her get ready for school isn't one of them.

Whether or not she is able to get herself to school, it would be a nice time for him to strengthen his relationship with his step-daughter, as well as give her a sense of being cared for. Yes she can still have certain responsibilities in the morning, but is it so wrong to nurture her at the same time?!

I think your feelings are legitimate. I can only imagine how much this hurts your heart. I'm so sorry! :hug:

On the positive side, he has a mother and father who dote on her! Her father seems to be an involved parent and a positive male role model. Good on both of you!

Perhaps some family/couple counseling would be in order. Maybe he really doesn't know how to be a responsible and caring step-parent (especially with his own family history).

Take care!

[malta blue]

17. thanks demmiblue.

You have effectively captured all of my thoughts on this subject so clearly.

:hug:

[ismnotwasm]

16. I'm still a "step-parent"

But I hate explaining that while I have 4 children two of them are "step" Since they're are my kids, and I love them all.
I'm "Mom" and that's that.

My husband is the same way, calling my son "My boy" for instance. My daughter gets a kick out of introducing him to people since he's very protective of her and looks like a big hairy biker. We raised them like a family because we were.

These kids are grown now, so thinking back on the multitude of mistakes we made, I would suggest to Mr. MB that kids need as many positive adult role models and positive experiences and interactions with adults as possible. Morning routine is a perfect opportunity to make a impact, to make a difference.


And to possibly forestall some of the shit that's gonna hit him when she's 14 and making her own opinions known, possible in uncomfortable ways of expression. Kids sometimes want an enemy, so If I was Mr. MB, I'd lay the groundwork for neutral friendship in times of trouble. Out of self preservation, if nothing else.

[malta blue]

20. My stepfather always refers to me as his daughter

and I to him as my father - that I have two dads.

My stepmother always referred to me as "John's daughter" - I never had a name. Once, she introduced me that way to a rabbi and he said "Hi John's daughter. I'll bet you have another name too." I was 8. He made me realize that what she was doing was wrong.

And as far as the 14 y/o stuff is concerned, I was thinking of that too. I mean, why the heck should she respect anything he says then when he wouldn't even make her hot chocolate when it was -30 outside?

[BlueIris]

18. While I believe the best step-parents do little parenting, how could a person

have a kid in the house he was living in and not feel at least a little obligated to try to help take care of her? That's a little...concerning, if you ask me.

[malta blue]

21. Sometimes I wonder what I have

gotten myself into...

It's like being a single parent with a roommate.

[PRETZEL]

22. I'm a step-parent caught in the middle,

my wife's kids are very, very demanding (to the point of excess selfishness, and not just my opinion either) and since there is very close proximity to both parents (wife's son lives with us, one daughter lives with her dad) they have become masters of playing each other. But that's seems to have been the case since they divorced many years ago.

Whatever parenting I try to involve myself in with him is generally rejected because he knows he has free rein at his dad's house. I also have to deal with my wife who sometimes (whenever it's convenient) doesn't want to deal with his attitude and anger issues and invariables pushes them off on me, which is a no-win situation.

But aside from my own issues and to give my opinion, what is it that you want him to do? If you want him up and making sure she does those things that you would like her to do in the morning, then tell him. He doesn't have to sit there and hover over her, I'm sure she knows what she needs to do, but it does make one feel better when someone her age has at least an adult who is capable of monitoring her and making sure she has her lunch when she leaves really isn't asking a whole lot of him.

[malta blue]

23. I think children of divorce master the art of manipulation`

at a very early age - and they truly are masters.

Little MB is still very tender-hearted though. She also has the only child thing going on too.

Yes, basically I just want him to be awake and maybe make her something hot to eat when it is really cold outside, and to be sure she takes her stuff.

[PRETZEL]

24. children manipulating the step parents is somewhat a mis-nomer

my kids aren't very good at it. I would like to think my ex and I did a pretty good job of not thinking only of themselves.

If you want him up, then it is an issue that needs to be resolved. And in the scheme of things, this is something that shouldn't have to be compromised on, unless there's something not being mentioned that would make him not able to get up a bigger issue.

[malta blue]

25. The only think keeping him from being up is himself.

He does not work late or anything like that.

Yes, sometimes he stays up late lately because of the NBA playoffs, but IMHO, those are choices one makes, and one is not allowed to complain for lack of sleep on that one...

[PRETZEL]

26. then from what I see,

this is something you want him to do and he's unwilling to do this for you. Fwiw, sounds a bit selfish in my book. Just because he did it when he was a kid doesn't mean that everyone else's kids have to do the same.

[malta blue]

27. I think I have finally convinced him to do it....

I finally just asked him if he was happy and felt safe, secure and well-loved as he was making his own breakfast while his dad and stepmom slept? He said sometimes he wished he had had someone to talk to....TA DA! He will start getting up with her on Monday :bounce:

[crispini]

28. I'm not a step-parent, but I *had* a step-parent

who drove me to school every day when I couldn't take the school bus because I had to be there early for band practice.

Yes, I think he should get up and make sure she gets off to school OK. She's small. She could use the help and encouragement. Just the fact that she's forgetting her lunch says she can't do it all herself.

[Gormy Cuss]

29. She's old enough to get herself off to school

but the evidence suggests that she hasn't reached that level yet. Yes, he should do his part to help her learn to get her lunch, brush her teeth and get off to the bus stop on time without help. If he works on it with her perhaps she'll have it down pat by the beginning of next school year.

(and now I'll put on my sarcasm pants:) )
Since he was so mature that he had it under his belt at a younger age, he is uniquely qualified to help bring little MB up to speed.

[malta blue]

30. LOL

:rofl:

[Flying Dream Blues]

32. I'm a custodial stepmom...I'm in charge of mornings. He's 16 and I still

make sure he's up, set out his breakfast and tell him goodbye in the mornings. I think he could do it himself, for sure, but I like doing it because it shows him I care. Sometimes we even get a chance to talk about things, but we're not morning people, either of us. :) But in the afternoons, lots of times he comes in and plops down and tells me about his day. I like to think him seeing me getting him up in the morning is part of why he feels comfortable enough to share with me.

I know it's hard, believe me, because there were times when I just tried to stay in the background, especially around giving any sort of consequence or correction. It's a slow process, but I think back and think maybe these little things have made him feel I'm really involved. He's been with us 4 years now, and I've known him for 8 years total.

Maybe if you approached it with your husband more as relationship building vs. what is truly necessary for her it would help him want to be more involved. Since you aren't there at that time, it seems like it could be a really good bonding time for the two of them.

Step-parenting is not easy...but neither is parenting (and I had two bios and have another older step)...

[malta blue]

34. Thanks for that perspective....

I spoke to him about it again and mentioned that it reinforces to her that we care and will help her feel more secure, and he agreed!

[DU GrovelBot]

33. ## DON'T DONATE TO DEMOCRATIC UNDERGROUND! ##

==================
GROVELBOT.EXE v4.1
==================



This week is our second quarter 2008 fund drive. Democratic Underground is
a completely independent website. We depend on donations from our members
to cover our costs. Whatever you do, do not click the link below!