Musings of a parent....(this is long, but therapeutic for me to write)

[Shine]

I have a confession. I am dealing with a huge amount of life change right now, sometimes more gracefully than others, as I watch my kids transform in front of me and make the shift from young kids to young adults. ShineGirl, 11 1/2 yrs old, is about ready to leave elementary school. We are rapidly concluding the last days of the school year and nine years at the elementary. She's our last one, our "baby", so it's a time of Transition, as she will begin Middle School in the fall. I know she is ready to move on, but I'm feeling a bit nostalgic as we get ready to forever say goodbye to the routine of Elementary School. The teenage years are looming for her. It's such a formative time for girls, in general, and I want to usher her in as consciously as possible.

Meanwhile, ShineBoy, 14 1/5 yrs old, is getting ready to graduate from Middle School and is fully in the teenage boy experience. In the past six months alone, his voice has dropped, he's grown 4 inches, he's totally thinned out and filled out at the same time, and he's professing his love to a girl, via text messages!! I know this b/c I've been reading his text messages, unbeknownst to him.

I know, I know, it's NOT the coolest thing to do. I realize that and have felt conflicted about it, quite frankly. Let me just say, in my defense, that I got freaked out hearing the recent story of a girlfriend of mine who has two kids, a boy and girl 17 mos apart, who are basically the same age as ShineBoy and they've got MAJOR issues going on there: drug use, shoplifting, driving without a license, hit and run, court appearances, community service hours, it's scary shit, trust me. My friend found out what her kids were REALLY doing when she read their texts.

My kids seem tame in comparison...and they are. But recently, I've been having issues of Trust and Freedom with ShineBoy, where he hasn't communicated with me about being home by the agreed upon time, doesn't have his phone turned on, so when I call him I get his voice mail, which then REALLY pisses me off ("If we pay all this money for a phone, you need to be reachable, dammit!"). Last week, we had at least three different upsets about his inability and unwillingness to be responsible and communicate about where he was. THEN, I discovered he'd racked up $160 worth of iTunes charges on our credit card! :banghead: (Me: "What were you thinking?? Did you think we wouldn't notice?! Duh!" Him: "Oh....I didn't think it would add up that much.")

With regards to his schoolwork, he recently procrastinated til the very last minute on a major class project, and although he managed to somehow pull it off in the end, the amount of stress to crank it out was unbelievable. He was up til all hours of the night, finishing up something that should have been done a loooong time ago. This was the dynamic: Me, being upset and making him wrong. Him, being defensive and angry. Both of us feeling we could be doing a better job. NOT pleasant.

Sigh. It is stunning to see the lack of judgment teenagers can have, but that's all part of the package, right?

Plus, there's the whole looming sex thing. Suddenly, he's got a girl classmate who he's practically doing text sex with, although I am fairly certain they haven't even kissed yet...they've certainly texted about it in great detail. She's actually "seeing" someone else, but they will undoubtedly break up soon so she can be with my son! Soap opera 8th grade....:eyes: Unbelievable. They are professing their "love" for each other and talking about how "stellar" each others' bodies are. :wtf:

It's really quite bizarre for me to shift my perception of my "little boy" into a sexual, young man......and yet, that's exactly what's happening and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

I tell you, friends, it's a trip being a parent! At his age, I was NEVER that far along, emotionally or otherwise. It's fascinating to see how so much has changed within the last generation. The influence of technology, specifically cell phone texting and the internet for such sites at MySpace, changes everything. The kids today are so much more advanced than I ever was, that's for sure.

Big picture and bottom line: What he is doing is definitely within the parameters of "normal teenage behaviour". All in all, he's a good kid and we've done a good job of parenting him. He's got a good head on his shoulders, but I have to let him make his own mistakes and learn from them. I need to back off and stop creating upset and drama for myself by trying to micro-manage his life, which is exactly what I have been doing. I recognize that this is my "issue" of letting go and allowing him to become a man.

It's still weird, though, I gotta say. I'm learning how and where to set new boundaries of being involved, yet at the same time, giving him space to be who he is.

MrShine has had many frank talks with him about sex and being responsible by using protection. He's a great dad and I feel so fortunate to have such a wonderful life partner to share this parenting journey with. His plan is to get a bunch of condoms and stash them away in a special place and then let ShineBoy know where the stash is. He doesn't want me to know where the stash will be because he knows I would probably go count them.

He's right. :rofl:

[1gobluedem]

1. Many of the same issues with my SO's son

He's fifteen, just finishing his freshman year in high school. He, too, has grown about six inches in the last 18 months, has a deep voice, has girls coming out of his ears, and, of course, knows far more than his parents which is creating huge issues with his mother. I know that his reaching adolesence is frightening for her; the looming independence is making her freak out about about the loss of her control which, of course, is just making her try to be even more controlling (and she's pretty darn controlling to begin with). I explained all of this to SO because he's being called in to deal with all of this tension (they have shared custody) but instead of trying to work with her on the trust and control issues he feels that because the kid is gifted and, in some ways, very mature for his age, he should realize what he's doing to his mother and stop.

Sigh. It's going to be a rocky few years especially since there are also ten year old twin girls in the mix.

[Shine]

7. Yeah, that loss of control I can definitely relate to.

it's a letting go process....I am conscious enough to realize that's my "issue", but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. Sadly.

:D

[skygazer]

2. Oh, my dear friend, I remember it well

Sounds like you and Mr. Shine are both doing a wonderful job and it's great that you recognize it when you fall into micro-managing.

At the same time, remember that kids that age do want some boundaries - I don't say need because we know they need them, but they actually want them too, whether they know it or not. I know it because at that age, I didn't have any and found that I wanted them. Because they mean your parents care about you and are concerned for your well-being.

So don't feel too bad about reading those text messages - he's a minor, you're paying for the phone, you're responsible for his safety, health and well-being, and that's part of patrolling those boundaries, imo.

And I know just what you mean about ShineGirl - watching my daughters become young women before my eyes was miraculous and bittersweet. But now they are still my daughters and also adult female friends. Best of both worlds. :)

It sure is an amazing journey, isn't it?

[Shine]

8. Thanks, skygazer.

:hug:

Yup, I am learning how, when and where to set those boundaries....at the same time I am learning to let go.

Easier said, than done. :D

[Call Me Wesley]

3. Ahh, the teen brain is growing, and it revolves around 'I'.

Helluva time, and sure something that won't get you a break soon ... But from what I've read here, you handle it very well and you have a good son. Be there for him when he needs you and try to be somewhat of a guidance (just drop any 'momma' stuff, but talk to him as equal,) and let him do the mistakes he'll wonder about them in a few years. It's a tough age; it's a world falling apart where the new one hasn't been built yet.

I think there's probably just a few things you really should try to avoid for him:

- Doing drugs. (Well, not counting getting drunk once or smoke some - I mean the hard stuff.)
- Getting his gf pregnant (kudos to your husband!)
- Dropping out of school, even he probably now thinks school's the lamest thing to do. (Tell him that there's no spring-break elsewhere.)

And, drop the control. You can't. Be a guidance. Remember your own teenage years. ;)

[Shine]

10. Yup, great advice, my friend. Thanks.

I agree with all your points and I recognize that letting go of the control is hard for me.

I'm doing the best I can. It helps to talk about it.

I process it by relating my experience to others and it helps me to know I'm not the ONLY parent who has issues like these.

I think I will have an honest talk with him soon about my mixed feelings of letting him go and watching him change into a young man. Not as a guilt-inducer, or anything like that, just to hopefully help him understand my perspective.

[Eurobabe]

4. I am SO glad my daughters are now 24 & 26

You have my condolences, there are WAY too many things parents have to deal with these days (and kids too!) Cell phones, computers, iPods, etc.

I believe parents also have to respect boundaries. That means no spying. YMMV.

[Beer Snob-50]

6. gotta disagree here...

kids do really stupid things sometimes and we as parents have to do what we can to prevent them from doing said stupid things. i regularly look at my youngest ones websites. i have found some serious porn on there (he is 16yo) and have had to have a conversation with him on it.

[otherlander]

13. Hey...

What he's doing is the safest sex in the world.

[Shine]

12. It's a complicated world these days.

the boundary and privacy issue is a tricky one. To be frank, MrShine and I sit on opposite fences around this issue. He is in agreement with you about respecting their privacy. I feel more conflicted about that, personally, because I think it's important to keep tabs on what's going on.

For what it's worth, I haven't gotten into his MySpace acct,or anything like that.

Mostly b/c I don't know how. :D

For right now, he doesn't know that I've been checking his texts. He'd be pissed, of course, if he discovered the truth.

Sigh. I must be a really crappy mom. :(

[Maestro]

14. Kids hide things. I did. I hid things I shouldn't have, but

parents did not pry because they were afraid to find what they thought they may find. I see no problem with you looking at his texts. You pay for the phone. If you have reason to believe that he may be engaged in something that he shouldn't, sex, drugs, rock and roll. Look. You are his mom and you have this right. He is not an adult. I tell my kids that there are no secrets in this family.

[Shine]

19. For now I haven't told him I've been reading his texts.

I think it's better that way. He would be pissed, of course, if he knew I had seen them.

For what it's worth, I haven't gotten into any of his MySpace stuff.

Mostly b/c I don't know how. :D

[Call Me Wesley]

26. OK, first thing you'll need to learn:

You're *not* a crappy mom.

Checking his texts is fine, but make sure you forget about them if there's nothing to be alarmed of. Tell him in a few years, but sure, don't tell him now - he'll encrypt his texts or does something else computer-savvy you won't be able to follow. ;)

Last year, my sister got a laptop. She still doesn't really know2 how to check email or reply to it or how to fill out a form on ze internets. She was able to, though, once giving her address to a pop-up that said 'You've just won 13 billion in our lottery.' Took me some time to erase the spam emails she got after this.

She has two teenage daughters who play on the computer like it's the most natural thing to do. She has no clue about their use of it. As far as I know, they just use some IM program and don't have any myspace/facebook or something equal accounts. I had their passwords (never used them,) just to make sure if something went wrong. Since their both now young women, I erased these from my knowledge.

No, it's not easy to have teenage kids in these times. My mom could tell you some stories about my and my sister which will leave you with nights and nights of sheer nightmares (and my sister was way worse - I was a loner.) Agreed, we didn't have computers then, no text messaging, nothing like this. I left my parents once a phone bill around $ 3'000 for chatting over the phone line with a foreign country. ;)
In the end, we both turned out to be very OK.

My sister might see a few things in her kids that seem really familiar to her when she was this age and acknowledges it. Sure not an easy journey, but nothing really new (except for the medias.)

There's a wonderful book out right now (unfortunately in German, but might be translated) a mom wrote together with her son about exactly these issues.

So, you're fine, Shine.

[Shine]

31. OMG, $3000!!? Jesus.

:wow: well, obviously you turned out great.

Thanks for your words, I really appreciate them a lot, my friend. :hug:

I'd be curious to know the title of that book, just in case it ever gets translated.

You're right, it's not easy these days. It's a helluva different world than when we were growing up.

[XemaSab]

5. Shine, you're a great mom...

Teenagers are so tough... You have to have limits, and enforce them. Don't be the parent who assumes that the kid will turn out fine. If he's getting into trouble, you need to put a stop to it.

That being said, kids have to make their own mistakes. Being a Nazi will just make the kid rebellious.

Yes, this is vague advice, but looking at how my friends turned out, it's better to err slightly on the side of strictness, but again, you have to give him some room. :shrug:

And don't let him have sex at age 14. He's too young, and he'll do something stupid.

[Shine]

15. "Being a Nazi will just make the kid rebellious."

yup, that's exactly right, XemaSab.

Therein lies the challenge, though: of finding the balance between setting boundaries and giving them space to make mistakes.

I trust he's smart enough to not have sex at 14....they haven't even kissed yet! All the same, it'll be good for him to know about the condom situation soon.

It helps that this girl will be in Mexico for the summer.

For some reason, ShineBoy has the the word "SEPTEMBER" at the bottom of all his text messages now. Even the ones to me....I asked him about it and he said it was "nothing", but I'm wondering if it's some sort of code about when they might be free get together, officially. She still is "seeing" someone, afterall. :eyes:

They start high school in the fall. I have friends who lost their virginity at 15, don't you? OMG.

[XemaSab]

Yeah, and most of the friends I have who were having sex at 15 were dumbasses

:P

[Shine]

18. Exactly.

yikes.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

9. My dear Shine...

You're doing great!

There's some really good advice here, in your thread...Take it.

I'm here for you, sweetie...

:hug:

[Shine]

16. Thanks, Peggy.

:hug: It's hard. I'm trying not to freak out.

[Maestro]

11. You said it best yourself.

This is normal teenage behavior. Having said that, I remember my teenage years and frankly my parents should have put more limitations on me. I got into things that I do not wish on my own kids. When my parents realized this, they coddled my brother and kept him so sheltered that he didn't really grow up until well after college. It sounds like you both, Mr. Shine and you, are doing a great job! However, and I do not profess to be the best parent at all, but I do believe there are certain non-negotiables.

1) Respect - This means respect for oneself as well as others. It is a tough concept for the teenage brain, but one can not stop drilling this into a kid's head. Being respectful of his body is utmost, meaning he should use protection if he engages in sexual intercourse and at the same time he is respecting the girl's body. Drug use...sure there may be experimentation. I am not sure anyone can avoid this, but hard drugs are an absolute NO! Keeping the cell phone on and doing other requests that you ask is a non-negotiable. You are the parent. He will do what you ask because of respect for you. If not, there will be natural consequences.

2) Responsibility - Get the homework done. Get home on time. Be the designated driver if friends are drinking. Wear a condom. Keep the cell phone on! Have a nice card for mom's birthday. :)

3) Communication - "What did you do at school?" "Nothing, mom." "Sorry not acceptable. I know you did something." Granted I think we as parents need to ask the right questions, but still there needs to be open communication. It sounds like you have this. A better way to approach the ole, "What did you do at school?" could possibly be, "Did you understand the algebra assignment, the civil war assignment, etc...?" I've learned to be very specific with kids.

I am not saying that the children will always follow these non-negotiables, but it is something that I insisted that my students do in my classroom (along with effort), and I do basically the same with my kids now. My kids are younger than yours, but I see pre-teens everyday in my job. It is tough being a teenager and perhaps tougher to be a parent of one, but most survive. Hell, I did!

And actually, what I have learned is that teenagers desire their parents' attention even though outwardly this is not so much the case. You need to be more the parent than perhaps you were when they were in kindergarten. When they were younger, you were teaching them to be independent minded people. They were learning that just because mom and dad weren't there, things were still alright. Too many young kids turn out to be troubled kids because they were sheltered way too much when they were younger and now can't deal with life. Of course, absent parenting when young causes the same. Anyhow, don't think for a second that you need to stop being the nag. You need to question your son. You need to be in his life. He needs to know that there are expectations that he must meet. Some of the expectations are his, some are yours, but he must meet them. He is your son and you are his mom, period. You praise when he does something correct. You teach and guide when he does something he shouldn't and sometimes this means there is a natural consequence for the "infraction." If he comes home 2 hours late, then he stays home the next night, after all, he already had two hours of extra time.

Anyhow, I am blabbering now, but what you are experiencing sounds very normal, stressful, but normal. I'll be there with my own kids soon enough. :)

[Shine]

17. Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply, Maestro.

It is worthy of printing up and referring to later. :D Seriously, thank you. I appreciate your words.

:pals:

Yes, I agree with all your points. We are the parents and need to set boundaries. Teenagers NEED them, even though they act like they don't want anything to do with you, they NEED the parents' involvement.

In the midst of it all, I am doing the best I can and learning the delicate dance of setting boundaries and yet also giving him space to learn (and possibly fail) on his own.

It's all happening so fast, that's what freaks me out. Sigh.

[Miss Carly]

20. Welcome to teenage parenting 101

I have older kids than you by a few years, and have lived thru all this. Some days you may suddenly realize just why some species eat their young haha....it's nothing but ups and downs, but keep a cool head and you will be fine. There were some days I couldn't believe how immature, mouthy, moody my kids were, but in the next hour they are o.k. again....it's going to be a wild roller coaster ride but in the end well worth it. Oh, and btw, the kids need their privacy, but if you suspect something wrong, by all means, read the text, just chalk it up to good parenting, that is what we are here for, to make sure our cherubs wander down the right paths.

Carly

[Shine]

23. Yup, here's to a Wild Ride through Teenagehood.....

:toast:

Ugh.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

21. Yay teenagers!

:P

I think you're doing all right, and he'll more than likely turn out fine. The "stellar" line, though, is pricelessly awful. If a boy told me my body was "stellar," I'd probably break something laughing. :evilgrin:

Keep on keepin' on. :)

[Shine]

22. OMG, I know what you mean about the "stellar" line.

He actually texted her that he thought her body was made by "his angels". :wow:

On one hand, :wtf: ........but on the other hand, how incredibly CUTE is that??

Priceless, indeed. :D

[Miss Carly]

24. LOL that was smooth! I think it's cute haha

Carly

[WritingIsMyReligion]

25. Cracks me up.

:rofl:

Really, all we want to know is that you won't hold us back, keep us from growing. We want you to leave us alone, yet we want to know that when we need you, you'll be there. We want to leave and yet have a place to which we can come home. We do secretly enjoy some things that you do, not because we like being harassed but because it reinforces, however weakly, our tenuous belief from childhood that the world revolves around us, that you have nothing better to do besides harass us, that you would be just simply lost without us. None of that is true, of course, but it's important for younger teens in particular to feel that, to make that last stand against the anonymity and relative harshness of adult life.

In one of the books of The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants series, funnily enough, lies one of the truest statements about adolescents and what we want. One of the characters laments seeing her mother and her new husband settling into life with a newborn baby as she's leaving for college; she wants desperately to leave, yet at the same time she wants the life she's leaving to still be there, as it always was, when she returns--wants her mom to be the sun, static and ever-present, while she races around the universe. It's a foolish notion but one that so many teenagers have: we want to move, but we want you to stay the same. You can't and shouldn't, of course, but there it is. There's what seems to lie at the bottom of our hearts these whole tumultuous years.

:shrug:

[Shine]

28. Yes, and what a thoughtful post, Thank you.

It reminds me of a song. I've recently gotten turned on to John Mayer and he's got a song which, to me, perfectly typifies what you're talking about....in terms of wanting life to slow down.

Check it out:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5BTzNX5OMN4

It's a sweet song about being in the moment and enjoying life, in the midst of it all.

:hug:

[GreenPartyVoter]

27. I am dreading those upcoming years. I worry that I may not parent them well enough to

let them go off and do their thing.

[Shine]

29. Welcome to my world.

:pals:

[logosoco]

30. As a mother of 18, 16 and 13 year old kids, I can relate to a lot of this..

but I was one of those "dumbasses" who had sex at 15. My husband and I are celebrating 22 years married today (we were together for 6 years before marriage).I guess I'm not typical....
My 18 year old daughter has a 4 month old son...the light of my life. I will be holding him proudly at his mom and dad's graduation next week. I wouldn't recommend teenage pregnancy (obviously!), but i never make my daughter feel like she is a bad person because of it. She will continue on to college, and I think she is aware that being a mommy will make it harder, but it is also going to make her stronger.
I have never found the desire to look into my kids diaries or text message ( i am on their myspace pages!). Maybe I was afraid of what I would find? My kids know I smoke pot and I think that has helped them NOT want to get into that. And they have seen what other drugs do (I had a cousin killed by a drunk in 1978, a meth house blew up the street over from us). A few years ago, one of their cousins killed a kid. I wish I could have never had that in my life, but there my kids were, growing up with it. I sometimes wish I could have hid it from them, but i am not a good liar. I always tell them the only thing i ever lied to them about was santa claus ( and they even learned that lie early)>
The best way to raise teenagers is with a lot of love and faith. And know that as hard as it is (i remember!!!) they have to make their own life. No matter how wrong and scary it seems to mom!!!!!!!!!!!

[Shine]

32. Wow, thanks for sharing your story.

and congrats on 22 yrs, too. :toast: Definitely something to be proud of, these days. :thumbsup:

Enjoy that precious grandbaby. :D

[distantearlywarning]

33. A few things:

1) This too shall pass. All teenagers do stuff their parents wouldn't like, and most of them make it through and become normal, functioning citizens with jobs and stuff.

2) It sounds like you're doing a pretty good job so far, but just as a word to the wise...I had some rough teenage years myself, but I'm doing very well at 33 (totally normal, married, employed, no jail time or unintended pregnancies, etc.). I get along very well with my parents now, and we've mostly forgiven one another for the stuff we put one another through during my teenage years. But one thing that still stings a little bit, even more than 15 years later, is the time they read my private journals without permission and confronted me about the contents therein. I was unbelievably, horribly furious at the time, and the whole incident pretty much destroyed the mutual bond of trust between us for many, many years. The hurt it caused to our relationship when I found out they were doing that was definitely not worth the relatively minor information they gained about my lifestyle (smoking pot, making out with boys, hanging out with a girlfriend they didn't approve of, and other typical naughty teenage stuff.)

If it were me in your shoes, I think I would make a vow to respect your son's privacy while at the same time working on maintaining an open working relationship with him such that he feels comfortable talking to you about problems that he may be facing. Just my opinion as someone who's been through it from the other side...

[SammyWinstonJack]

34. I wish I had a mom like you when I was growing up. I had a step monster who resented that she even

had to deal with me and my brother. My birth mother left when I was just two y/o and I never had any contact with her after that. I think you and MrShine are a great parents! Having raised two sons myself and sometimes alone, I know it isn't easy. :hug:

[latebloomer]

35. Ah, I can so relate to the letting go part

I have 2 teens, a boy 16 and a half and a girl about to turn 14. I know my daughter's whereabouts all the time-she isn't yet allowed to wander around town- but of course my son is and should be.

I'm getting a little better now, but I have gone into near-panic-attacks when I can't reach him on his cell ( tho he's usually very good about keeping it on and answering it.) He's always been a little shy, never had a huge group of friends, but he does have some good ones and they don't seem to be doing anything dicey as far as I can tell. So I should REJOICE when he's spending time with them. Instead, I call to check on him a little too often, can't totally relax until he's back in the house. Even though there's a wise small voice within that tells me he's fine, this neurotic shit inherited from generations of worrying mothers in my family keeps screaming in my head that something bad has happened.

My son is brilliant and eccentric and quirky. One thing that really bothers me is that he no longer brings his friends to our house- it's boring here or there's no place to go hang out nearby. I don't really understand his motivations-- we live in an affluent town and our house is nowhere as upscale as some others, but I don't think that's it. Meanwhile he's got the whole third floor to himself where he could bring friends. I hardly even know a couple of his friends. I miss the days when I knew all his friends' parents, knew that when I dropped him off at someone's house that's where he'd stay till I picked him up. Or when he and his friends would just stay at our house instead of my wondering where the hell he is.

I also have a lot of difficulty with setting a curfew. I don't know what's reasonable. He complains that he always has to be the first one home. He came home at 12 last week but that was because his friend's parent, who I know from when they were six years old, promised to drive him home and said to me sweetly, "You know, they're big boys now." Usually 10 is a stretch for me-- and when I was 16 I stayed out far later than that, doing sex, drugs and rock n roll. I'm sure that contributes to my angst, remembering all the danger I once courted, though I see no signs of that in him.

It is so hard letting go- when you first have babies you think their childhood will last forever, and then- poof!- it's gone. I know all my control and abandonment issues play a major role here, but it does make me so sad.

Thanks so much for bringing up the topic, Shine. Strength and light to all of us as we go through this passage.

:hug:

[PassingFair]

36. Reading a kid's text messages is as bad as tapping their phone.

Sorry, it's electronic eavesdropping.

On-line communication is different, because
it is open to others. My kids actually had
to SIGN a contract allowing my husband and
myself to monitor their on-line activities.

But I would NEVER read their text messages.
That would be like reading their diaries.

PERSONAL.

Keep telling them how to behave, and hope
they put the good parenting to use.

That's all you can do, anyway, without
admitting that you're reading their PRIVATE
conversations.

Once, during a sleepover party in our basement,
my husband put the baby monitor on down there...

after 2 minutes, he was APPALLED and I angrily
switched it off "Do you really want to spy on
a group of 13 YEAR OLDS?"

I think NOT.

[Lindsey]

37. It really is so different now with the net and the cells. I'm glad my son is

grown. I think you should monitor him and yes, read the texts msgs. Good luck. It sounds like you and the hubby are doing a really good job. :-)

[Ptah]

38. I wish I had someting to offer.

Just know you will always love them

:hug:

[khashka]

39. It's never easy with teens

watching them grow from kids into adults. Watching them date.

My nephew is almost 14. I helped raise him because my sister died before he was 1. He's in love with a black girl and everyone is down on him about it. The race thang. But the romance is just text messages and phone calls. I encourage him.

I'm siding with MrShine, he's being practical and protective. Although, I understand the urge to know. I used to to say that any man who touched my daughter would get all his fingers broken, but she cured me of that.

The iTunes thang, I'd be furious. How do you end up with charges like that?

Khash

[FedUpWithIt All]

40. It is certainly a trip experiencing the teens years from this perspective.

:crazy:

My oldest is 15 and just broke with her (egads) 18 yr old boyfriend. He turned 18 last week and is only a grade above her so i relented. I promptly met him and have kept pretty close tabs on her when they would head out to places like the movies and the mall. It was all a bit nerve wracking for me, hoping she would make the right decisions (ones she would be able to live with). Turns out she got a bit tired of "checking in" with another human being and decided that a relationship is not for her just yet. They amicably parted.

It seems to me from your post that you and your husband are wonderful parents. I think it is important to let our kids know we are paying attention and that we care. I can tell you that my daughter often tells me how grateful she is that i care enough to show interest in her life and well being. Apparently all is not well with many of the kids she attends school with. There is a LOT of heavy drug use and legal troubles among her peers. There were over 44 pregnant girls and more than one suicide in her school last year. Our city is mostly married, college educated and upper middle class (I myself do not fall under any of the previous categories). Many of her friends struggle with severe depression which my daughter attributes to the fact that the kids have too much money and barely any parental attention.


I personally don't think there is anything wrong with things like checking your son's texts (My daughter knows that it is a possibility that i might randomly check hers, as per the conditions of getting the phone, and texts accordingly) but would caution that it could be detrimental if he were to find out that it was being done without his knowledge. I suspect he may be badly embarrassed. Maybe you could let him know that investigating the texts is a possibility on occasion.

I think i may just borrow the "condom stash" idea. Hopefully i will get through this time with her and when her sister reaches this age i will be a little more adept at navigating. Something tells me this may be a little more challenging the second time around.

Good luck to you.

:hi:

[YankeyMCC]

41. I got the "You don't understand" response for the first time

last night from my 11 year old (12 next month) son.

The struggle lately has been his commitment to school work. I mean that when he does the work he does fine, better than fine in most areas, but he's constantly forgetting assignments, or just not turning things in. He's growing his hair our, asked for (and we allowed) an are piercing and has gotten very involved with his guitar work...meanwhile schoolwork has suffered. So no real mystery. Of course his mother and I are going through a divorce so I'm sure there's an element of that contributing to all this, but that has been going on for a year now and it's only been the last couple of months that the school work has really suffered. Which is when the guitar obsession really started too.

Anyway, last night while talking to him about taking school seriously he blurts out strongly, the way self-righteous teenagers can, that I just don't understand.

I looked him in the eye and said (as millions, billions of parents before me have in one way or another done before me) "Oh yes I do. More than you know. I was a boy of 11 once and I remember it well. No matter how embarrassing, how bad, how weird you think any thought you have or thing you do may be I've thought or done the same thing and I know why those thoughts come to you and why those things you'll do will make sense at the time. I understand." ;)

[Jade Fox]

42. Reading about the "text sex"....

I was thinking that might not be a bad thing. It allows the kids to explore sexual feelings without having to actually do the messy, awkward deed.

In my experience you can't remind a teen-ager often enough the reason you need to hear from them is that, when you don't, you worry that something may have happened to them, not that you're trying to control them. Teens just don't seem to get that, and it's understandable: They haven't had any experience being responsible for another person, nor do they understand how dangerous the world can be.

Good luck. You sound like a very caring parent.