How do you deal with it if your parents have a favorite child and it isn't you?

[Connonym]

I'm 42, I should be over this by now but it still cuts like a knife when my mom continually shows preferential treatment to my younger sister. I know that I remind my mom of my dad (which isn't a good thing in her mind) and I figure that is probably a big part of it. I'm so discouraged by the way she constantly finds fault with everything I do. She makes me feel like a pile of crap and I don't know how to deal with it.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

1. Are you and your sister close?

It might help if you empathized with her. It probably makes her feel horrible that your mom is treating you this way.
I'm sorry that your mom has hurt you. :hug::hug::hug:

[samuraiguppy]

2. same thing in my family.

my mother and father were both the babies in their family--and my mother always highly favors the baby.

My brother is the oldest--and he got displaced when I came along.

Then for the next 6 and a half years--I was the little prince. Even as a child I was aware that he was treated like a step child and I felt sorry for him although I enjoyed every minute.

When I was about 7 they had another kid--and I was displaced, Treated like shit by my parents from that moment on.

sometimes parents can suck

[Ellen Forradalom]

3. Oh dear

I wish I knew. I am the youngest and the only girl so I got special dispensation. My oldest brother felt the brunt of it the worst.

I have one child and he is the apple of my eye, so whatever problems he has, that is not one of them.

[astral]

4. my mom always favored my little brother

when I was still just a little kid I wished I could run away because I felt like an unwanted burden, the ugly stepchild syndrome. Now? He gets everything, there's nothing left for me to inherit, and he turned out to be the most royal selfish b------ that he don't even have a relationship w/ his mom (nor with me; not sure if that's more my choice or his or equal) and I have a relationship with my mom now and you know that's all I get to have.

When I was ready to leave home for good in my teens I said I was NEVER coming back they would NEVER hear from me again!!! My mom didn't start treating me like a human being til I did leave home at 18.

If I was still going through that BS as an adult I would make myself scarce so I could try to heal. That kind of treatment isn't something you can totally 'get over' - it becomes a part of who and what you are but you can try to make it work on building your inner strength than chopping away at your inner weakness. Your mother may be completely unaware of what she is doing. Mine was. She acted like we'd been close and lovey-dovey all our lives soon as I wasn't living there anymore. It took me awhile to realize she hadn't treated me that way on purpose, but the effect was still the same.

[nadine_mn]

5. It totally sucks when you are the only child and still not the favorite

I wish I was kidding but I am not. My mom's favorite is herself I can honestly say that I cannot think of a single time she has put me (my health, well-being, feelings etc) ahead of herself. Therapy helped and also one day I just realized there was nothing I could do to make her happy - because she has her own problems. I remind her of my dad as well - so she has often said she wishes I was never born, that I am devil seed (love that one as a kid growing up), and that I am the reason all of her marriages have failed, etc etc etc.

I hear what you are saying though - my husband's brother is the favorite. His parents have actually said they love him more (honestly). They paid for brother's college education, but said it would be a waste of money to spend it on my hubby. They literally tear my husband apart, and the other - well he can do no wrong. Needless to say such favoritism has caused hubby's brother to be a complete and utter asshole.

What breaks my heart is that my husband keeps trying to make his parents happy, he keeps trying to earn their praise and love. And everytime he does, they point out his "faults" and it breaks his heart.

He has to come to terms that he could be the most perfect person in the world and that still wouldn't make his parents happy because the problem is within them not him.

I wish I could help you - I know its painful so all I can offer is a big hug :hug: and tell you that you are a wonderful loving precious person who deserves to be treated as such.

[Ellen Forradalom]

8. Oh...

my...god.

That defies comprehension. I have but one child, and I love him fiercely. My marriage with his father failed, yet I am at his house every day, I treat his dad as a friend, and we do things as a family, and I don't leave to join my beloved in a faraway land..because it's THAT IMPORTANT.

I wish I could give you a big hug and make it all go away. That just SUCKS.

[1Hippiechick]

30. Ya know - we all have so-called family members who are TOXIC to us - you learn to avoid at all costs

at least that what I do in my family = I have a sister from hell who stirs shit and keeps the family in an uproar. I have lived with it all my life, but she has managed to fool everyone--until recently. She finally exposed herself, and other family members are in shock--shock, I tell ya! LOL.

I have to say that I am not unhappy about the revelation - it has been long overdue. The kicker was to find out from them all the lies she had been telling about me for years--to anyone who would listen.

What a piece of shit. She is not my sister - we shared the same birth parents, and sometimes I'm not so sure about THAT!

[Zavulon]

6. It's hard to advise without knowing how bad the extent of it is,

as "makes me feel like a big pile of crap" can mean so many things, but if she picks at everything you do and I were in your shoes, I'd simply break off contact. I'm 45 and fortunate enough to have supportive parents, but I do have experience cutting off bitchy relatives out of my life and believe me, it makes life easier. If my mother were anything like what you describe, I'd have stopped talking to her years ago.

Like a Band-Aid - real quick.

[patomime]

7. Oh God ---

I totally feel like you are my twin. Your story is quite relevant to my life. I had to finally talk it out with her last year. She didn't want to hear it at first, but then things got better.

My father passed away many years ago, and my mother constantly finds fault in me. I look like my Dad, and yes, act sometimes like my Dad.

It can be hard for a parent to admit they're wrong, especially because at one time, they were teaching you the right and wrong.

I wouldn't say we are 100%, but we are better. Better is nicer.

I hope things will turn out the same for you.

Peace

[Roon]

9. I am the oldest

The only different treatment I got was my younger brother and sister were straight A students and I was plagued with learning disabilities. They got money for their As and I got money for my Bs and C+s. It was just wild. My sister went on to be a principal of a school, my little brother went on to be an attorney, and I got AIDS and started collecting disability. My Mother still treats us all the same.

[EFerrari]

10. That happened to me, too. The way my mom mothered me

and the way she mothered my younger brother was really different. All the people in her generation do that to the oldest. I was on my own and my brother had a parent. It's been really hard to find something that helps that kind of ancient hurt.

But, there are two things that have helped. First, I try to step back a little and see Mom as a person and not as my mother. Still someone I love and respect but more as another adult than as my mom. If things go south, stepping back mentally a little seems to help me stay calm and not get so invested in what she thinks of me or what might come out of her mouth. We do better. The time we spend together is much better.

The other thing that has really helped is try become my own mom. There really is an art to taking care of yourself well, you know? Nobody can do it like you can, either. :)

[LeftyMom]

11. By making snarky comments my sister isn't smart enough to understand.

It's not so much a coping mechanism as a means of amusing myself with a slight therapeutic benefit.

Though, to be fair, we each have one parent who favors us and one who doesn't. With long-divorced but still not friendly parents, that makes for some interesting family dynamics, let me tell you.

[dropkickpa]

12. My mom has always given the boys preferential treatment

And, being outnumbered 5-1, it was pretty obvious. But, I've also come to realize that she has higher expectations of me than of them, so it's a 2 edged sword, they get a pass where I don't. She expects that I am able to achieve much better than them, so I'm held to a higher standard. I've found that treating our relationahip as one of peers rather than parent/child helps a lot. We can still go at it cats and dogs, but I limit that as much as possible. I've discovered that another big part of our issues is that she has a hard time accepting that I am not a whole lot like her, I'm much more like my dad, which I think upsets her in some way as I'm the only girl. I recognize my own accomplishments and am able to be proud of them without her approval, I never seek her approval to be honest. She is a big part of my life, but it's on my terms only, I don't let her in where she may potentially hurt me.

[crim son]

13. I'm the oldest, and the least liked by my mother.

I think it's because I'm an awful lot like her. My youngest sister is the favorite... she's also my favorite. It hurts but I don't let on because that would change nothing between me and Mom, and might do damage to my relationship with my wonderful sisters. My parents live all the way across the country, so that makes it easier. I'm sorry you get hurt by the obvious preferential treatment. :hug: :hug:

[Sanity Claws]

14. I don't deal with it

I stopped contact with my father. (My mother is deceased.)
As for the favored child, he's my older brother and he considers himself too good to talk to me. That started years before I cut off contact with my father. My brother's continual snubbing of me, even in front of my father, led to my cutting off contact. I got sick of feeling like I don't belong there.

[Callalily]

15. Just ignore it. Yes I know,

easier said than done. Both my parents favored my older sister. I accepted it a long time ago and frankly, I really don't care. I'm a better person b/c my parents left me alone. I'm not all screwed up like my siblings, so in the long run, they did me a great favor.

Hang in there. There's nothing you can do. Just live your life the best you can, the way you want to live it.

:hug:

[BarenakedLady]

16. I've always felt that

My older brother was always the golden child. Great in sports and school, never gave my parents grief. Then there was me. I barely scraped by in school and was always getting caught doing shit. My brother was just better at hiding it and lied better. My parents (especially my mother) would deny it to her dying breath, but at least my brother admitted it to me that he knows he gets(got) treated differently. Even my husband can see it. At least I get that validation and know it's not just in my head.

[LeftyFingerPop]

17. My mother is 90 and in a nursing home.

I had to arrange for her to be moved from the hospital to the nursing home without the help of my sisters. I emptied the contents of her apartment and arranged for an auctioning off of her stuff while in the throes of major depression, without the help of my sisters.

I handle her finances, and take care of all of her needs.

I am the only one in my family who visits her.

And yet every time I go to see her, she spends the entire time talking about my older sister, and telling me that I look terrible because I haven't shaved for 2 days.

Connonym, I think that parents always have their favorites, and there is just not a damn thing you can do about it. I am not smart enough to understand all of the dynamics that create a situation like this, I just know that "that's the way it is".

I deal with it this way...I know in my heart that I have treated my mother the best way possible, and after she passes, I am not the one in my family who will be experiencing guilt.

[raccoon]

18. I was the middle child and it really sucked. My mother favored my younger sister

because she was the baby. My mother was always on my ass about something. If she was just pissed off at life in general, she'd find something to jump on me about.

My older sister was my father's favorite because she was the oldest, and because he saw that favoring her and slighting me was a way to hurt my mother. He was an abusing alcoholic and died when we were little, but I guess my sister figures at least somebody loved her.

Many families are like that, it seems. When a certain child is born, s/he is the golden child and can do no wrong. When a certain other child is born, s/he is the throwaway child or the one who can do no right.

In my mother's later years, when she needed her kids rather than the other way around, we did have a fairly decent relationship.

It sucks, I know. If you haven't already, talk to her about this in a reasonable manner. If that doesn't help (my mother always denied showing any favoritism), limit or altogether cut off contact with her, whichever works best for you.

[undeterred]

19. My older sister is perfect

and I'm perfectly useless, so she can't stop herself from criticizing me. We aren't close and she can't figure out why.

Someone told my mother at a young age that she only had to "raise" the first child and that child would raise the rest. That made for a really dysfunctional family where the oldest is cold and manipulative toward the younger two.

[NJmaverick]

20. This really has nothing to do with who your mother's favorite child is

by the time you reach 42, you should have developed your own set of values and ideals. If you are living up to your ideals and values, it really doesn't matter what you mother thinks. In fact you should talk to you mother, next time she finds fault with something. You simple point out to her how what you do is consistent with your values and it makes you happy. You can then ask if she wants you to live a life that is consistent with your values and makes you happy.

[wickerwoman]

23. That's good advice.

Both of my parents favored my younger brother pretty strongly because I remind them of older siblings they didn't like. I'm 32 and haven't given a crap what either of them thought about my life for years. Fortunately, they're still much more invested in my brother who blatantly disrespects them all the time so I figure they each got what they deserved.

[qb]

21. I have a friend who was in the same predicament.

His mother treated him horribly and doted on his younger siblings. He decided to accept her as the flawed person she is and do the things he feels obligated to do as her son, but to distance himself from her emotionally. He seized the power in their relationship. He chose to be the adult, something his mother was incapable of doing.
:hug:

[lizziegrace]

22. Living with her magnifies the issues

that's the reason I won't move out near (or move in with) my parents. My mother starts picking at every aspect of my life from the moment they arrive until the moment they leave. My father spends time trying to remind me who he was (engineer, MBA, VP for a major corporation...) by belittling my mother. Funny thing though, when they talk about me to my two sisters, it's nothing but compliments. :shrug:

I do what I have to in order to keep my sanity.

I hope you get a chance to move soon. :hug:

[Connonym]

27. I think I'm going to move Nov 1

This has gotten extremely toxic. She resents me being here and actually told my daughter the other day "you aren't supposed to be here, I already raised my kids, I shouldn't have to deal with this" While I understand that she's under a lot of stress I don't think she can fathom my feelings on this or anything else for that matter. She brought up again today how I'm just like my dad.

So I'm going to look at a place tomorrow -- I've already seen one of the units before and I know they're really nice so it's just a matter of robbing Peter to pay Paul (heh, literally because the landlord's name is Paul) to come up with my security deposit plus the extra security because of my bad credit.

Wish me luck and send me prayers. I sure as hell need them.

[lizziegrace]

33. You've got them

:hug:

Let me know when I can come and help.

[pnutbutr]

24. couple options

You can learn to live with it and figure out a way to let the comments slide off your back. You can confront her and tell her how you feel. You can just cut off contact with her. The last may be your best bet as it brings a feeling of freedom and content and lets you move on with your life without your mothers negativity.

[dembotoz]

25. Step 1-don't pass it on to your kids

the mother of my children always complained of inequality of treatment by her grandparents and then parents, but she does the same damn thing-and it is so obvious. But alas not to her.

So I try to balence things out and patch the holes she creates but then am i just as guilty as she is?????????????
Your mom SHOULD be proud of you.
You can not control how she thinks or feels. All you can do is make sure your defenses are strong
so that when the slings and arrows come, and they will continue to come, you can minimize the damage.
Is there anything you can do to suddenly improve your status in her eyes??
Can't answer that. Probably not.
I have a son whom is hated by his step mom. He could win the pulitzer prize, nobel peace prize and powerball all in the same week and she would still hate him.
youCan't change her, you can only change you.

Advice????? perhaps corny but i know you like some sci fi
As you venture your starship off to the future, keep your defense shields up and avoid her tractor beams and sonic disruptors.
I know i should have tied it into battlestar galactica, but quite honestly, i always prefered the original version and never could get into the new one....

[Mutley]

26. My mother favors my sister, and my father favors me.

It helps that we're both in the same situation, because we don't resent each other.

[WinkyDink]

28. *Waves to nadineb above!* Knowwhatchamean!

[1Hippiechick]

29. As God is my witness, I don't know how ANY parent can have a favorite child! It seems IMPOSSIBLE to

me! I just don't get it!

[redqueen]

31. I just ignore it.

My dad even told me straight-faced that all parents do it, that it can't be helped.

I don't care. Actually that's probably not true, but this isn't the time...

[Critters2]

32. These things have a way of working themselves out, as I just learned.

My sister was always obviously my dad's favorite. She was an athlete, which was important to him. She was the baby. Maybe other factors, but she was CLEARLY his favorite. He spoiled her rotten. After my mom died, he changed his will to make her executor and to give her power of attorney if/when. Before that, my older brother had been.

Then, last week, my dad needed a ride to the hospital, and someone to stay with him for a few days. My sister lives closer to him, and has this special relationship with him :eyes:. So, everyone, me, my brother, my aunts, assumed she'd go home and help out. But no. When the rubber hit the road, I used personal days, drove home, drove in city traffic which I hate, stayed with him.

He changed things to give me power of attorney for health care before we went to the hospital. Then, on Saturday, he met with his attorney briefly, and changed everything else. Told the attorney it had to be someone he could count on...me! She'll be furious when she finds out.

Oh, and why couldn't she use her personal time to drive to Milwaukee? She and her girlfriend had used it all to go to Cubs games.

Catty though I am, it occurs to me that my dad is fortunate he raised me not to hold grudges.

[Rabrrrrrr]

34. I don't have that problem, but what I'd do is - cut the manipulative abusive bitch out of my life,

Life's too precious to expose oneself willingly to pain.

[lady raven]

35. I experience it with my mother

I'll never get over it, I have just learned that I'm going to have to deal with it :-( She will never change.

One thing I HAVE vowed to do is to never show preferential treatment to any of my children because I know how it feels to be the odd man out.