Goddammit (struggling with singlehood)

[Withywindle]

He dumped me about 2 years ago.

I got my own place about a year and a half ago. It's nice. Small but cozy. I have a cat of my own now. I have two jobs. Lots of books and music and friends.


We're still friends. Still hang out and talk about the same stuff we always did -- books, the space program, music. Even have sex from time to time - neither of us has gotten seriously involved with anyone else.

I pat myself on the back: I don't drunk-dial. I don't stalk. Sometimes when he calls I even put off calling him back for a day or two.


How long will it be until I stop feeling like an exile thrown out of my true home? How long before I stop having nightmares about him rejecting me again and again?

How long before I'm even vaguely willing to consider the possibility of trying to meet another possible partner? Because, Lord knows, I'd rather eat glass than open myself to the possiblity of that kind of pain again - and I'm almost 40; if not now than never, right?

[redqueen]

1. I kinda hate to say this

cause there's a very good chance I'm wrong... but might the still sleeping with him from time to time be taking away some motivation for taking a risk on someone new? Maybe if you had that motivator, you might be a little more willing to consider the possibility of meeting another partner, I mean.

Oh and hey... I got my own place about a year and a half ago too. :toast:

[GOPisEvil]

4. I was going to suggest a clean break as well.

Sort of, "How can I miss you if you're always here".

[Withywindle]

6. Yeah, well, I take it where I can get it.

When I was younger I loved casual sex with strangers, but now the idea just seems kind of depressing. when you've had real intimacy, why settle for less? If it came down to that, I still have a right hand and an imagination!

[redqueen]

7. I year ya, sister.

Got no use for anything less myself.

Which is why I'm resigned to a lifetime of celibacy.

[GOPisEvil]

8. It's really sad...

You're two intelligent, attractive women. Guys should be lined up 'round the block.

Men are idiots. :)

[johnnie]

12. "Men are idiots"

I'm not.

[GOPisEvil]

14. OK - we can act like idiots frequently.

Even though I am not an idiot normally, I sure as hell have my moments. I've also screwed up many a potential relationship because I was acting like an idiot.

[johnnie]

17. Yeah..ok

I can be an idiot sometimes too..lol. I just wanted to disagree with ya to be an idiot. :P

[GOPisEvil]

18. *shakes fist*

Damn you. :P

</threadjack>

[Withywindle]

27. Lined up around the block for sex, yeah, and I don't blame 'em!

But I'm at the stage where I want to find the guy who's gonna sit next to me on the rocking chair yelling at kids to get off our lawn.

(Many decades of good sex between now and then, I hope, but still - I want the long haul.)

[GOPisEvil]

30. I think there are deeper men out there.

Not many; but some.

I'm 40 and I was 38 when I found someone with whom I want to spend those days in the rocker. It happened out of the blue right here on this site.

[Withywindle]

9. The imagination is a pretty awesome thing, though,I must say.

There's a vast world of erotic fiction (by women, for women) on the net, and I"m pretty immersed in it. That actually is good enough for my sex drive.

My emotional drive, alas, is the one that craves a real person next to me for the next few decades until death. That's what hurts, way more than the sex thing.

[redqueen]

11. Oh yes, it is.

I've kinda fallen for an online friend, so... I just crave & imagine him. :)

[Withywindle]

15. I like my fictional characters.

Worst comes to worst, they'll never tell me I have to pay ALL the utility bills all of a sudden with no one to share.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

2. never mind

forget it. I don't understand men and I don't understand women. I think I want to go live with the animals

[Beaverhausen]

3. There is one person you have to fall in love with...

...you.

I know it's cliched and sounds stupid, but once you love yourself and know your own worth, the right person will come along. He is out there getting ready for you now, for when you are ready for him.


*************

ok- i'm a little drunk right now, but this is what I know to be true.

edit: to hopefully make more sense.

[Withywindle]

5. Oh, I"m fine with myself.

I'm an only child, grew up in a rural area with only books for close friends. I'm pretty good with my own company.

TOO good. I'm sure he probably felt neglected in the 6 years we lived together because I'm pretty self-contained. But once you've opened up and let someone in, it's hard to go back to the self-world again, willingly.

[Beaverhausen]

10. but that's not what I mean

it sounds like you want to be in a good, equal relationship, but you are settling for something that is less than that.

You can't let someone else into your life when this other person is still filling up some of that space.

[Withywindle]

13. Yeah, I kind of get that.

But once you've shared history with someone for the better part of a decade... (and, truth be told, I hate to admit it, it's such a scarlet letter - this is the SECOND time I"ve been dumped by someone I've lived with for six years. I guess the 7-year-itch is real.)

I don't want anyone else. I don't want to start over from scratch. I don't want to risk going through this again.

[Beaverhausen]

19. I'm with the love of my life and we got together when I was 41- 8 years ago

he was 42 and twice divorced. You can do it. If I can, you can.

[Withywindle]

21. Oh, I hope so.

Bless you. I"m not giving up - just being a little bitter. (I think I've earned that privilege at least. But I hope it doesn't last much longer.)

[Aristus]

16. You're nearly 40?

That means you're just starting to get sexy. True sexiness comes with experience, knowledge of life, and emotional maturity. I adore older women. My wife is eight years older than me, and I wouldn't have it any other way. There have got to be more guys like me around who find you incredibly desirable. Don't despair over your age, Withy; it's an advantage, as far as I'm concerned... B-)

[Withywindle]

20. I'm 39.

I'm slender and shapely but I have terrible teeth. (No, really - my teenage orthodontory utterly failed plus I have decades of smoking and coffee drinking.)

Men my age tend to want younger women who are good breeders. Utterly neglecting women like me who wouldn't give birth if you paid us millions but are extremely good at the things we really enjoy, which might or might not include D&D, political arguments, and pegging. :D

[Aristus]

23. I'm 40. I've never wanted a younger woman. Too emotionally immature.

Mrs. Aristus is 48. She's the sexiest woman I know. She has three kids from a previous marriage, and didn't want anymore. So I knew going in that I wasn't going to have any children of my own. I was fine with that, obviously. I like D&D and political arguments (my wife hates them... :P) What is pegging?

Anyway, if you meet any "nice guys", give one of them a chance. We're not sexy and dangerous, but we're good husbands and great company... ;-)

[Withywindle]

24. Pegging?

by Dan Savage: dom woman penetrating sub man with a dildo.

I've learned from hard experience, it doesn't even matter how much you and your partner think you're on the same wavelength intellectually/sexually/emotionally/spiritually. When one partner wants out, that person's rule is LAW, and that person gets unilateral freedom to take apart what two people have built together. It has to be that way because you can't compel someone to stay in a relationship against hir will, but still. It's just not right. I don't want to be burned like that again, ever, where you give yourself for years and get nothing but a pink slip back.

[Aristus]

25. D&D & political arguments: yes.

Pegging: not so much.


I'm sorry things are so rotten for you right now... :hug:

[Withywindle]

26. Thanks hon.

I'm not even all that lonely most of the time. I'm good on my own. But when the weather gets cold, I just miss the days I had a warm body to spoon up to. I miss the way he smelled more than anything. :hug:

[Robeson]

22. I don't give relationship advice, unless it's MissHoneychurch.....

...but I do think if the Titans get home field advantage, they stand a good chance of going all the way.

[travelingtypist]

28. 50 is really the new 30. Really.

I'm 44. I got my teeth fixed finally when I was 42. Before that, I was missing
a front tooth for almost a year. It was excruciating. I know exactly what you're
saying there.

Relationship-wise with a married guy for 11 years. He was lovely. It was nice,
the come here, come here, go away, go away. I liked being single and yet getting
sex whenever I needed it. It was all I could handle and I was never interested in
what the "other woman" is usually interested in. I liked sending him home when I
was done with him.

But now that I feel better about my appearance, I've found a single man of my very
own who after three months is still turning me inside out. He's finding all of my
buttons and takes great sadistic pleasure in pushing them until I squeal.

I guess what I'm trying to say is you have to make the decision to move on and find
something else. It's up to you. Holding on and waiting for him to change his mind
is no-win for you, just a recipe for more pain.

Good luck.

[leftofthedial]

29. he "dumped you"?

You need a clean break.

No hanging out. For chrissake, no "time-to-time" sex.

Let him go chase his own tail. You need to get on with your life.

Just my .02 YMMV