Kwaanza: Ghetto Slang for Murder!

[ccharles000]

http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news1299/kwaanza.html

Freehold, Iowa - Always vigilant about finding things to protest in God's name, the Ladies of Landover (after getting permission from their husbands) disguised themselves as Negroes earlier this week to attend a local Kwaanza party. The Ladies had been tipped off to the all-night party while listening to secretly recorded tapes of their domestics' telephone conversations. At first the Ladies had no idea what "Kwaanza" was in reference to. "It is hard enough to understand what those people are saying," lamented Taffy Davenport Gaines-Crockett, "But when they start making up words you might as well just give up." After listening to the tape five times, Mrs. Venitia Johnson, the town's only known liberal, was called in to decipher. She informed the Ladies of Landover that Kwaanza is actually a black alternative to the celebration of Jesus. "Something to compete with Jesus?" asked Suzzanna Beth Jenkins. "Well, if that don't smack of Satan I don't know what does!"
The Ladies' intention was to find out if this non-Caucasian holiday is of God or the Devil. "Lucifer just lays in wait to prey on the immoral and simple-minded," said Landover Lady vice-president, Judy O'Christian. "So, when we realized it was a Negro-type event, we naturally became suspicious. We wanted to find out if those people were desecrating the baby Jesus' birth. It also provided a wonderful opportunity to see if we could locate sterling flatware that was missing from our homes."

Using coal from their Christmas fireplaces, the Ladies disguised themselves so well that they moved among the party unnoticed. "Our blackened faces made us look like everyone else." Taffy Davenport Gaines-Crockett remarked, "But we were just living in absolute fear that one of us would correctly conjugate a verb and be instantly unmasked. Fortunately, Negroes essentially look so alike that it is difficult to tell them apart, which is why I require my help to wear numbers."

Having never been in a Negro neighborhood, much less a Negro home, the Ladies had no idea what to expect --except the worst. After an ear-piercing hour of profane tribal music, grape soda spritzers made with Thunderbird wine, platters of pickled pigs feet, pork ears stuffed with peanut butter, and fried chicken, the seemingly innocent, though horrendously catered, 'party' changed into something more sinister.

The Ladies reported that, after brief outbursts of gunfire between a few of the guests, the entire party moved into the living-room/crack den to witness the ritual killing of a stolen white child dressed up as the baby Jesus. "I was petrified," Mrs. Gaines remembered, "I was frozen in horror. I couldn't move. I mean, I wanted to at least make sure the child was saved before they killed it, but it would have meant giving ourselves away so I pretended to gnaw on a rum-soaked watermelon rind instead. It tasted dreadful."

[elshiva]

1. Landover Baptist is scary. I know it's a parody, but

too many people think like that!

BTW: You're awesome for posting this. :* :hug: