Dating and disclosure of bad things

[Droopy]

I have a mental illness called schizo-affective disorder. It's every bit as nasty as the name makes it sound. Fortunately, there are very effective drugs out there now days that can pretty much make the illness disappear. As long as you keep taking the medication, that is.

I'm doing really good in life right now (better than a lot of people who aren't mentally ill) and I've been stable for the last 5.5 years. I've got a 90% chance of living the rest of my life without experiencing another symptom. A part of me doing really good right now is the development of my social life and going out on dates for the first time since before I became ill. My therapist says that this is a good indicator that I'm making progress.

Here's my problem. I'm not sure when the right time is to disclose my illness to someone as far as dating goes. I've actually done it a couple of times before the first date with mixed results. I'm thinking that women who don't have a hard time getting a date may be a little more prone to "filter me out" than women who have a harder time getting attention. That seems to be my experience so far.

I'm going out on a date with someone this Saturday. I've talked to her several times through e-mail and the phone. She's a really kind, open-minded, liberal woman. I'm thinking that if all goes well, I will tell her about the illness on the second date. What do you think? Would someone having a mental illness be a deal breaker for you as far as relationships go even if it is under control?

[LeftyFingerPop]

1. Tell her.

I have major depression, and if I were dating, I would tell her on the FIRST date.

What you are is SO much more than a mental illness that you have.

You know what I mean Droopy.

If she can't handle knowing on the first date, she will never be able to handle it.

Just my opinion.. Best of luck.

[Robeson]

2. That's a pretty heavy scenario to expect us goofballs to answer...

...and I'm really uncomfortable giving relationship advice to anyone. I will only say that I wouldn't set preconditions if I were you. See if you like the person. You may not want to tell them on the second date, or the third date, or the tenth date. If you find that you have built the beginnings of a relationship with this person, you'll let them know when the time is right to tell them. If she digs you, she probably want mind. At least you're dealing with it.

And honestly, if you want to discard everything I said, I'm cool with that, too, since it's only my opinion, which is all it is.

[Droopy]

4. I know that everyone here is a thoughtful person despite their goofballery

:)

Nothing anyone says here is going to alter my life. But I am interested especially in people's thoughts about relationships and this kind of thing. Good or bad. It might give me a gauge on how to handle this sort of situation.

[Robeson]

5. That's cool!...

...:thumbsup:

[Shine]

3. Being authentic is the best way to start a relationship

so tell her the truth about the struggles you face with your mental illness. It could scare her off....or it might not. Might as well be honest and let the chips fall as they will.

Good luck and all the best to you. :hug:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

6. My dear Droopy...

I think telling her on the first date is a good idea. I wouldn't do it right at the start of the date, though...

Talk a while, feel her out, see when it would make sense...

Good luck!

:hug:

[LeftyFingerPop]

7. "Feel her out"

No sex threads.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

9. Ahem.

:spank: :spank:

[enigmatic]

8. I'd tell her on the first date

But on the end of the date, if there is chemistry and you'd like to go on a second date. If the convo winds it's way (for whatever reason) to your illness, I'd be as honest as expected if she wants to know.

[Lil Missy]

10. I don't think I'd mention it on a first date. That's just me, but let me tell you a similar story.

I was working for a very upper end, hotsy totsy hotel for a couple years. It was supposedly a very gay friendly place, but I got promoted to a very high profile department. With some very long-term and very bush-loving and religious mother gooses in the department.

I decided to just bide my time. And frankly, I was a little scared. So I decided to just go with the flow, and purposely allow these people to figure out if I was okay on my work merits and personality, BEFORE they could use one single issue to discount me. I figured if they had already decided I was okay and they like me, it would be harder for them to fart me off when they found out I also happened to be gay.

Well, it did work. The fact that I am gay didn't come out on MY timetable, but as soon as it did I hit it head on. One of the benefits at this luxurious sweat shop was free stays. Some nosy busy body looked up my reservation for a future stay with a "gal pal", and saw it was a single bed. OOPS!

Anyways, I wish you well Droopy. I think you're adorable and delightful, and I would like to see you continue to do well. Gawd knows if I were straight, I'd snap you up in a minute! I just don't think it is a good idea to reveal too much, too soon.

That's just my experience, and 2 cents.

:hug:

[Droopy]

12. Thanks for the story and the vote of confidence, Missy

Both are very much appreciated.

Yeah, I was thinking kind of along the same lines, but with a shorter time table. She already knows me pretty good as far as you get get to know someone over phone lines. If she likes what she sees on the first date and gets to know me a little better, I'm thinking that she'll be more willing to accept the fact that I take head meds.

[Connonym]

11. Take it slow, let her get to know you a bit first

I don't think she needs to know that on a first date or even a second. Try not to stress yourself about it and I hope you have a great date :)

[Dangerously Amused]

13. My advice: I wouldn't bring it up on a first date or even a second.

In fact, I wouldn't make a point of bringing it up at all. But I wouldn't shy away from it either, like if she brings it up. If a relationship is progressing in a healthy manner, things like that naturally come up at an appropriate point in time when they can be discussed honestly and openly. Let that happen.