Advice for a lonely, unsettled 22-year-old?

[liberalpragmatist]

Apologies for what will be a rambling, “woe is me,” affair.

About myself: I am 22 years old and a recent college graduate. I work in the city where I attended college. Currently, I'm employed with a job in city government and am currently just paid by the hour and am not officially “full-time.” I work as a research assistant on a grant-funded project, and I have been promised by my manager a full-time, salaried position (with benefits) in the January. That position too is grant-funded, so I should not be subject to cuts in local government that are likely just around the corner. If and when it happens, I will also get a fairly substantial wage boost, which isn't something to sneer at in this economy.

I'm not unhappy about my current station in life. I'm young and I have quite a bit ahead of me. While I'm not certain yet about my career path, the job I'm presently in (as well as the salaried position I've been promised) should give me some good experience that should prove valuable if I apply to graduate school in the next couple of years. And if I find that, at the end of these years, this isn't the right field for me, at least it will have been a good learning experience and something that could lead me to the right decision.

Even so, while I'm not unhappy, I can't say that I'm exactly happy. I feel incredibly unsettled right now. Maybe it's just the curse of being a recent college graduate: unsure and anxious. Right now I feel as if nothing about the next few years is clear. I find myself preoccupied with thoughts about my future, regrets about the past, and disbelief that I'm already 22. It's hitting me how fast life goes by, and what scares me is that I'm going to remain as unsettled and unaccomplished as I feel right now.

About the “regrets”: I feel as if I haven't fulfilled my promises to myself. It may have been naïve, but when I graduated high school, I didn't quite know what I was doing, but I was sure I'd figure it out pretty soon. I was certain I'd be a star student and that I'd graduate with job offers or graduate school prospects at my beck and call. I was sure that when I graduated I would know exactly what I wanted to do and be well on my way towards achieving it.

LP, first in the class, summa cum laude, Phi Beta Kappa, recipient of four undergraduate awards, prize-winning undergraduate researcher, and fluent in three languages! Off to an internship in Geneva for a year before going to Harvard with his smart, beautiful, serious girlfriend of three years!

In hindsight, this is absurd. I've always been someone with lots of doubt. And I've always been cursed by being “well-rounded,” interested in lots of things with an inability to focus.

Not surprisingly, then, college was a joy, but didn't quite end the way I anticipated. My first two years were spent struggling off-and-on with a pre-professional path that I veered away from though I never actually completely broke with. Academically, I was a “star”... in some classes. Others, not so. I graduated in the middle of my class, which wasn't really anything to sneer at, given that I was going to a Top 20 school. But in the end, while I could count some real achievements, I wasn't the person I'd imagined I'd be. I was just a mid-tier Liberal Arts student from a good private university without a clear direction in life.

So I guess that reality has hit me in the past few months. But what scares me is that my ever-present indecision and lack of focus is just going to cause more problems down the road. Nobody cares that I'm still trying to figure things out when I'm 22. But what if I'm still unsure in five years? Ten? What if I'll never be happy? Or worse, what if I'll do what I think I “should” do, rather than what I instinctively feel I want to do, and end up just being more unhappy down the road?

It would help if I weren't lonely. But I am. I chose to stay in the city where I went to school because I figured it would give me easy access to the university resources and because the cost of living was (and is) cheap. I also had some friends in the area (although not too many close ones) and figured I would be comfortable. While the first two rationales (access to the college and cost of living) still hold up, the third holds up much less well. The friends I have here are few in number. Only one of them is someone I would call a close friend, and he's rarely available to socialize due to his job. I live by myself, with very little furniture, in a small studio, because I figured it would be best to save money for the year. But the result is that most of the time, I just feel like I'm cooped up. I spend nearly all my weekends at home. I have few friends or social activities. And as the “baby” of the office, I don't have the luxury of making friends at work – most of my colleagues are in the 30s and 40s.

Frankly, it's driving me a little crazy. I'm basically an introvert and I have always valued having some time alone. But right now I just feel like I'm starved of human contact, which has a way of making me feel depressed and more anxious about everything. My current job plans will keep me in this town at least until the end of 2009, and probably through May or June of 2010, but I'm seriously wavering. I imagined that staying in the same city would facilitate the transition out of college, but instead, I just feel like I'm sort of in limbo. I rarely get to go out or do anything interesting and I find myself trying to entertain myself in ways that just make me feel more lonely, such as going to movies by myself or going out to eat by myself.

My social difficulties actually have two components. Right now, I'd be happy just to have more regular company of friends. But I'm also increasingly frustrated romantically and sexually. Although I'm 22, I have never had a girlfriend or been in even a casual relationship. And I'm not really the hook-up type. I know people will deny this, but I feel increasingly “abnormal,” and a bit of a social outcast for that reason. I would like the companionship of a relationship, but I'm increasingly grim about my prospects. I barely have a social circle to begin with, and while some have suggested online dating, I'm extremely skeptical and unsure about it. I dislike not knowing what to expect, and I worry that if, as seems likely, whatever dates I get set up on don't work out, I'm just going to get even more distraught that I'll ever find anyone.

The fact that I have several friends from high school who are engaged or already married just makes me feel more like even more of a wallflower, even though I have no intention of marrying anytime soon.

So, to summarize: I'm unsure about my future career plans, unsure about my future academic plans, lonely, depressed about my romantic prospects, and unhappy with my living quarters.

Thoughts, advice, words of wisdom would be welcome.

[Iggo]

1. You're 22!

Eat good food, listen to good music, and screw anything that moves.

Don't get old then look back and regret the things you did not do.

[liberalpragmatist]

2. The "screw anything that moves" part is a little bit difficult

... as I mentioned, I have virtually no social circle and I rarely go out anymore... which makes it difficult to find anyone.

[Chan790]

13. That's the easy part to fix...

what do you enjoy doing?

I enjoy writing and veg*n cuisine and philosophy and fashion and being drunk...so I joined a writer's circle and potluck salon where we all bring food, dress in what we find fancy or stylish, read each other, discuss the world, get smashed and discuss each other's writing some more.

You speak four languages? You enjoy language, I'm guessing. There has to be a language society for one of them local to you especially if you're living in a city.

Point is...find what you enjoy doing and join a club to do it. Building a social circle is easy as well...π.

_____________________________

Also, don't sweat being 22 and having no clue who you want to be. If you got honest answers from most people in the world about who they wanted to be at 22, you'd be shocked. At 22, I was convinced my future was in being a pro-dom while I studied to be a librarian and a volunteer fundraiser in my spare time. Clearly, that was not a good life plan for me since I'm not any of the above. My 3 best friends wanted to be pornographers: two of them got married to each other and they're both power-brokers in the international NGO/NPO community...the third one just hired me to work for his independent film-production house that won an award at Sundance this year.

I'm just a writer with wanderlust. A moderately-successful one since I'm getting paid to write. That wasn't even on my radar at 22...or 25.

So...sweat it all less, go with the tide, find your bliss and enjoy life more. The answers find you, not vice-versa.

[Phentex]

14. And don't rule out those 30 & 40-something old co-workers...

they're not all sittin' around playing Scrabble on a Saturday night. :)

They go out sometimes. They have parties. And they know people - OTHER people who are looking for dates.

Just sayin'

[Heidi]

3. May I tell you something I wish someone had told me long before I was 22?

You don't have to have it all figured out at 22 -- or at 42 or even at 102. If I had known this a 22, I might have avoided a lot of self-doubt, an ill-advised marriage and a divorce. I didn't begin seriously creating choices for myself until I was 32, and that's when my life really began to take on layers, become fun, engaging and challenging.

It sounds to me like you've already created a lot of choices for yourself, but you can create even more by pursuing opportunities that interest and challenge you, whether it's volunteer work, another degree or a pasttime; doing this will inevitably bring you into contact with others who share your values and interests. <-- This isn't wisdom. It's just my experience.

Meanwhile, I'll be sending you good vibes. :hug: :hug:

[Droopy]

4. Do the online dating

You will feel uncomfortable, you will probably have some shitty dates, and you may even feel worse than you do right now at times. But I was feeling very much like you before I started online dating. In fact, the emotions that you express in your OP could have been written by me a few months back. But I'm feeling much better now. I'm learning and I'm growing socially. I still haven't found the right woman, but at least the possibility is there that I will find her because I'm doing something about it. I have have a date with a woman tomorrow night that I met online.

Go to www.okcupid.com and sign up. It's free and it's a good site- lot's of action on there. There are a few important things to know and if you shoot me a PM I'll give you the skinny on that.

A lot of people freak out when they start getting a little older and haven't found a mate yet. Please do not fall into the trap of that way of thinking. It might make you get hitched and have kids with the wrong person. Then when you get to be my age (36) you will look back upon the age you are now wishing you could be there again.

I think it's very natural to feel unsettled with the way your life is going when you are young. You have the freedom to do what you want to do now. You are not locked into anything. Do not be afraid to try something different. Do it now when it won't hurt you. You never know, you might find great satisfaction in doing something that you are not trained for or do not have any experience in. That's what happened to me. I was a printer and I was tired of what I was doing. The pay sucked and I didn't feel like I was going anywhere in life. So I took up truck driving. It turned out to be very good for me. I've been a trucker for 12 years now.

It also might not hurt for you to talk about your feelings with a psychologist. I see one and it has proved to be beneficial.

[flying rabbit]

5. I am 40

and just now starting to have things fall into place. Despite my lack of direction I have had a lot of fun along the way - Just keep moving forward. There is no hurry.

[old mark]

6. People who have it all figured out at 22 are pretty boring.

And usually wrong.
Look around find things YOU ENJOY DOING and do them.
Don't do everything in your life just because it's expected of you ar will advance your career. Even at 22, life is fleeting.

Also, if you are in a place you enjoy, you tend to meet others who enjoy the same things....

Loosen up, look around, do things for fun - life is too wierd to take very seriously.

mark

[AngryAmish]

7. 1. Get off the computer

I'm here because I can't sleep after my baby woke me up. Trust me, if you want to find out how normal peole think, DU ain't the place.

You are in a college town. Nowhere except those post-college neighborhoods in big cities give you an opportunity to meet more and more variety og girls/women in your life. Go meet some.

I always found that it was easier after a few drinks. If you are one of those "I don't drink" people, get over yourself. Drinking helps overcome awkward social situations. Do it.

Find a girl who is cool and has good looking friends. Make friends with her but do not become romantically entangled. She will give you advice on how to dress, act etc. Invaluable informational resource. Give her money and make her buy your clothes. Date her friends.

You have not met your expectations so far? Nobody else knows. And nobody else cares. What people care about is where you are going. You are better off than 99% of the world. Don't be one of those long-haired sob stories sitting on their couch smoking pot talking about how the world is so harsh. Get in the ballgame.

[WinkyDink]

8. Here's the good news: YOU ARE YOUNG! MAKE your own "social activities"! Doesn't a college town have

stuff to do, things to see, places to go?

You have to go where the people are!

[Inspired]

9. Don't sit around waiting for life to happen.

Join a meetup group or your local Democratic party. Volunteer at food banks or other organizations that you are interested in. Go to your community events. If you aren't having a good time...FAKE IT! You'd be amazed at how many times we pretend to enjoy ourselves and realize that it is no longer only pretend.

Do try online dating but remember....you are 22 years old. You have a full lifetime ahead of you. It isn't as bleak as you seem to think it is right now. Promise.

Oh, and don't spend all your spare time on the computer. That in itself is depressing. If you have nothing to do, rent a classic movie or read a book.

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

10. You are way too serious at the age of 22...

and this is coming from a 28 year old. Get off the computer, get out there and have fun. Join some activities like yoga and start from there. Life is what you make it.

[City of Mills]

11. I feel for you...some advice from a fellow introvert

Try to bear with me, i'm just streaming this out and not organizing it too much...


You're at the age where your life really becomes undefined...the post college years are a little wake-up call, you can pretty much plan your life without serious effort up to the point where you're at. Now you have to steer the ship, even though the ship may be in different waters than you had pictured when you started.

This is going to be a challenging time, so you need to take stock of what you have going for you. You are still young, even though it feels like time is flying, don't focus on that thought too much as it's not a helpful train of thought and you will feel more anxiety. Try to resist comparing your life to your friends, it may look like they have a more solid path than you but trust me, looks can be deceiving and even if it seems like they are in great relationships, they may very well find themselves separated or divorced in a few years, and you know what? They're going to feel exactly how you feel now, unsettled and uncertain. You never know, life has a way of taking a sure thing and making it a complete toss-up. Your challenge is to roll with the punches, and it's tough sometimes, because it feels like you still have to live a basically unsatisfying life day-to-day.

How is your financial situation? Are you buried in debt? Keep in mind, the more stuff you own, the more stuff owns you.

I can relate to that cooped-up feeling. When I got separated at 32, I gave most of my belongings to my spouse and took only debt with me. I've been living in a small place with meager furniture for a year now. All my friends went their own way while we all built our own lives and marriages. After things fell apart, I had no friends. I still don't. I've always been a loner, introvert, I'm able to put on great 'face' but for the most part I keep to myself. Now it feels like I don't have a choice. Ten years ago, I was engaged, just finished up an associate's degree, bought my first place, everything seemed 'set'. I was better off than I am now, I lost everything. Or so I thought...

So what do you do, then? You control the things you can control. You set new goals. Do you want to own your own home? Keep scraping and budgeting, learn about your local real estate, go for a preapproval. See where your at. What do you like to do for fun? If you can't think of anything, that is a great place to focus. In order to be interesting to other people (RELATIONSHIP), you need something about you that's interesting, that you can talk about. If you can't think of anything, I suggest your own health. What do you eat? How often do you work out? Learn about nutrition and exercise, as these are things that will help you be at your best, physically and mentally. Do you play an instrument? What keeps you active? Indulge in your hobbies.

To meet people, that may be a little tough. I'd suggest going back to college, do you have a community college near you? You could take a course in photography, or painting or what have you, something not geared toward earning a degree or a raise at work, instead something interesting to you that would be fun! Develop or pursue a passion of yours, and you are more likely to meet someone who is passionate about the same thing.

It sounds like you need to work on your confidence. This is pretty common for introverts, take it from me! Don't force any potential relationship with a female to be a romantic one; if you click with a girl but she doesn't seem interested in a relationship, don't throw that away! Hang out, just have fun, she probably has friends will probably want to set you up with someone if you show yourself to be a warm, caring and FUN person. You probably feel left behind in the sex department, that can be frustrating but don't let it define you. You're a sexual person who just doesn't have a partner right now. That will change, try not to focus on it! It is not a personal failure, it will take care of itself with the right person when the time is right. Until then, there's nothing you can do but focus on yourself, and making yourself a better, healthier person. For you, not for someone else!


Always set goals. Long-term goals are good, but give yourself goals you can tackle in a few months too. The worst thing is to spin your wheels, that doesn't work for intelligent people. My advice? Set a goal to go on a date within three months. How do you prepare for that? Go to a bar, you don't have to drink, just set up at a table, order some food and observe. Just watch people. Take in the environment. Or work on a hobby, or try out a new one. Ever heard of Geocaching? It's a lot of fun, it gets you outside and it's an interesting thing to talk to people about :) If you have to resort to online dating, it's not so bad, just don't go in with expectations. At worst, you'll meet some new cool people to hang out with.

Don't forget, HAVE FUN! As you already know, life is funny and hard to predict, so don't stress when it deviates from the path you envisioned. Just try to make lemonade out of the lemons, and roll with it.

I hope some of this rambling helps, I think you're doing great with your life so far. Think posistive, and keep plugging away!

[livetohike]

12. Get out and make things happen - volunteer on the weekends

Pick a cause you that you're interested in. The animal shelters always need someone to help, the nursing homes or VA hospital are full of people who just want someone to talk with, there are local food banks who need help distributing food, etc.

You have to make your own reality. You never know who you might meet out there and it's a good start to get out the door and help others.

[Lorien]

15. First off, get over the ageist crap

When I was in my teens I had many friends in their 30s and 40s. My mother is 68 and has a lot of close friends in their 20s and 30s. I'm now 43 and my friends range in age from 24 to 67. There's not a lot of difference between my friend Boris (67) and Nathan (24), except experience and level of accomplishment. Nathan is just starting out as an artist, Boris is a famous fantasy illustrator with a world wide following, but they both like a lot of the same films, books and activities.They're both fun to hang out with. Stop seeing age as a barrier to anything. There are a lot of people who don't have anything figured out at age 45. There are a lot of 50 year olds who are no more mature than a person half their age. Don't look at the packaging; look at the person inside. You and I have more similarities than differences.

Next, as to finding new friends, that can be kinda tough (due to the times and our current culture). Try to find an intense group activity that you can share with others, like volunteering with habitat for humanity, or a pet rescue group (chock full of women). Or do a backroads trip of something with Earthwatch : http://www.earthwatch.org/ I made loads of new friends this past summer just by taking an intense week long artists seminar. Step outside of your comfort zone for a while and take on a new challenge.

Other ideas; get a dog. Walking a pet is a great way to meet new people.

And as for girlfriends? Women outnumber men by a significant amount. I've never known ANY man who couldn't eventually find a significant other-though some didn't find the right one until their late 40s. Those friends of your who are already married? Most will be divorced in 15 years. Count yourself lucky. No one should marry before the age of 30 these days, imho.

Best of luck! And PM me anytime if you just want someone to talk to.

Lorien

[carlyhippy]

16. You are 22, don't worry about the marrying/engaged part just yet

Find a roommate and a new place....you will have the company and more money in your pocket because your rent/expenses will be cut in half, you will have a whole new network of people to meet.

I remember feeling the same way around age 24 or so. Just relax and enjoy being young, you have a long, long time ahead of you, in time you will see everything you are pondering right now will work themselves out, just put the future planning away for a while and take a rest from it and enjoy yourself right now....

[Symarip]

17. Dude, where are you from?

You're young, have a decent job, have a degree, and you're obviously smart. Go out to a bar or a coffeeshop and make some fucking friends.

I'll give you a hint: chicks dig motorcycles and vintage Vespa's.

[Swede]

18. I have t-shirts older than you.

Enjoy life right now. Live like a dog (i mean that in a nice way) live in the moment.

[Brooklyns_Finest]

19. It can work out for you

Or it can't! It is up to you to make things happen. It has already been said, but I suggest you start taking some classes part-time at the university. Go to lecture series, I heard volunteering is good, but if you are not really in to the "cause" then I would not suggest doing that (been there done that). Best thing you can do is find some hobbies and go out an enjoy it. You are bound to find people who have like interest.

On a different note, having a bunch of friends is overated. I have been lucky to maintain good close bonds with my childhood and college/military friends, but outside of the poeple I met in the late 90's(college) and early 2000's (Marines), I have really not made any significant new friendships. Sure, I have "party people" I go out clubbing with, but I don't consider these people good friends. I also have my coworkers who I do softball and basketball with, but I still don't consider them the best of buds. It is just a fact of life that as you get older it is harder to make close friendships.

However, what you should be working on is building a network of women you can date. At your young age (I am 30), you should have multiple women you can call on to date/sex/chill with. Trust me, it is no big deal. Women your age are dating and sexing multiple guys, so don't feel guilty by not wanting to commit. You actually become more attractive to women when they kow that you are wanted by other women. After you stop sewing your wild oats and you reach about 30-35, you can have your pick of women you want to settle down with. THat is assuming you have built a quality life for yourself along the way. By the way, don't do internet dating. Just get out in to the real world and talk to real people. The internet is a security blanket that will not help you in the long run.

I am not sure about you physical attributes, but as long as you are clean, healthy and fit, you should have no problem find available women to date. The fact that you are college educated and upwardly mobile will definately help your chances. Build an interesting personality and life, and you are golden.

You did mention that you have some social issues. If this is something that is preventing you from getting to where you want to be, I suggest you see a Cognitive Behavioral Pychologist. My brother suffers from similiar social avoidance issues and he has made GREAT improvements with therapy. He spent years going to a regular pyschologist who only wanted to talk about his past and how our dad was the problem (maybe), but it did not help. It wasn't until he switched to the CBP, who gave him real world assignments that we started to see real changes. I highly suggest this if you feel like you are in a rut. And don't feel stigmatized by going to see a shrink. You got to do what you got to do right?