This might be upsetting

[Droopy]

You've been warned.

This is going to be fucked up. I've been absorbed in thought about this all night and I am feeling conflicted and troubled. If I lived with someone I'd talk to them about it, but I live alone, so I have you guys.

About 6 years ago I went over to a friend's house to play cards and drink beer. It had been a while since I'd seen him and I thought it would be fun. It was just me and him and his wife and kid. I've known this guy since I we were little boys. I'm 36 now. Their kid was about 7 at the time I guess. It wasn't too long into the evening when my friend unveiled a side of himself I'd never seen. He hated his kid. His wife hated their kid, too. They started verbally abusing the boy just for being a kid as far as I could tell. They yelled at him and brow beat him. They told him to go to his room where he started crying. Then his wife goes in the room and yells at the kid for crying. It was unreal. I'd never heard a cross word come out of that guy's mouth until then.

I didn't know what to do, but I knew I couldn't be in the same house with that couple. I was becoming angrier and angrier. This was shortly before I got the meds for my head and I was capable of doing and had done bad things in that state of mind. But a saner part of me prevailed and I left. I haven't seen them since.

I don't have a lot of hate in me, but if you are mean to kids, I hate you.

Those people are friends of the family and my mom and step-dad would see them occasionally over the years since that night. According to my folks, that couple has dropped all pretense of being good parents. They yell at the kid all the time no matter who is around now. But they are very nice to everyone else. I guess to the point where the fact that they verbally abuse their kid is kind of glossed over. The boy is 13 now. If he makes it to 18 without killing his father, he's got a place to stay at my house. I'm guessing the old man is probably going to give him the boot the minute he becomes legal.

A couple of days ago I got word that the guy's wife was admitted to the hospital for anorexia. It surprised me, but the way it sounded she was going to be okay with treatment. That turned out not to be the case. She has been moved to hospice and she is going to die. She has damaged her body to the point that the doctors cannot repair her. I guess she's about 32 or 33 years old.

Sigh. I wrote this to try to make some sense out of what I'm feeling. It isn't working. It's hard to have compassion for a woman like that. At the same time she has been stricken with a mental illness that is going to kill her. I am mentally ill and I have empathy and understanding for anyone who suffers from a mental illness. I know what kind of hell it can be. But I won't be at her funeral.

[Richardo]

1. .

:hug:

[suninvited]

2. verbal abuse is still abuse

it should be reported.

[Dr. Strange]

5. I agree.

And the fact that it's just the kid and his dad now kinda scares me.

[MissMillie]

3. Droopy

you are so filled w/ empathy and compassion.... I'm so sorry that this has come into your life.

:hug:

[MorningGlow]

4. Droopy, your post made me cry--seriously

As a mother of a dear little 5 YO boy, I can't bear to hear stories of children being abused, and that is definitely abuse. And it's gone on for far too long already.

Do you think it would help at all to call child protective services? Or do you think it would do more harm than good? (Although I can't think how much more harm this child could experience.) I realize that if the social workers determine that the boy is in a dangerous situation they could remove him, and the foster system can be pretty dicey, but...you know...what's worse, in this case?

Does the boy have any relatives he could live with instead?

[Droopy]

8. I don't know MorningGlow

He does have grandparents that are much more nicer than his parents. But I don't know anything about any of that stuff. As far as reporting the abuse goes, it didn't occur to me at the time.

[MorningGlow]

10. You can still report it

Social services might give the grandparents custody.

I can't imagine what that little boy's life is going to be like with just his father.

What a terrible situation all the way around. :( You're a good person for being so concerned. :hug:

[ogneopasno]

6. Frankly, I would say all bets are off. Drop a line to protective services. Would it be possible

for you to serve as a Big Brother or a mentor for this poor kid?

[auntAgonist]

7. Droopy, I too would have trouble with the situation. I think

others on this thread are right in that abuse should be reported. I don't think this child is safe given the information presented here. There is a chance that the abuse will get worse if the father blames the child for any part in his mother's death.

My heart goes out to the boy. He has a lot to overcome. Someone needs to help him. NO child should EVER live like that.



:hug:

aA
kesha

[MorningGlow]

11. I thought the same thing

That the father will blame the son for the mother's death. I didn't put it in my second post because I thought I was reaching, but if others are picking up on that possibility, then that concern is valid. That boy needs to be helped ASAP.

[lost-in-nj]

9. I will also

add my "it should be reported" line

and the act that this child will be alone with the dad is frightening...

:hug:

I am so sorry this had to come into your life, but maybe there is a reason......


lost

[blueraven95]

12. please report it

this kid has the right to live in a home without abuse. As far as I know, you can report cases like this anonymously, if that makes you more comfortable.

[jobycom]

13. Don't be confused about what you feel. It's sad from every angle.

There was something else wrong in that family, and the anorexia and the child abuse are symptoms. Maybe it's the father's fault. Maybe he's controlling and abusive to both. Maybe it's the wife's fault--she could be needy, and sucking the life out of everyone. Things might even get better with her out of the picture, as sad as that is to say. It might even have something to do with the child. Maybe he's difficult in ways the parents can't handle.

I grew up in a confusing and broken family that would have looked differently to anyone outside of it than it did to those of us inside. My brother was a sociopath, of the meanest type, and my other brother was schizophrenic, though we didn't discover that until his late teens. The sociopath acted abused and victimized so that he could prey on other families, although eventually they would discover his true nature, either when he robbed them or tried to rape someone, and turn on him. From the outside he seemed like a troubled kid who was trying to straighten out his life, and my parents were often lectured to and even preached at from the pulpit for not handling him differently.

The only way that's relevant is in the point that you can't tell what's going on in that family. Since you can't, you can't control it, you aren't responsible for it, and you shouldn't feel any of the guilt you seem to be feeling. By all means, if you think it's appropriate, contact CPS, and let them figure it out. They will be better qaulified to judge.

On your emotions, what you are feeling is your own humanity. You care about people, and you hate to see them suffer, and you empathize with them for their tragedies even if you have reasons to not like the people who are suffering. That's admirable. For what it's worth, I respect that a lot more than I'd respect someone who said she got what she deserved. She's a human, she's suffering, and you feel for her. That's not in any way a vindication of her actions, just proof of your own quality. The confusion you are feeling is understandable, too. There's always shock with this type of news, and you are in shock. Your mind will chase itself in circles trying to understand exactly what you are feeling and why, in the hopes that understanding the pain and confusion will help you bear it. But you won't understand it, you won't catch that answer, and nothing will make a sad situation less sad. Just march through it, try not to dwell on it more than you have to, and don't trap yourself into feeling bad because you think you should be feeling something else. Feel what you feel about it. That's the real answer you are chasing, anyway.

That's my weak attempt to buck you up. It's a sorry situation, all around, and I'm sorry you are going through it.

[auntAgonist]

14. Excellent post.

thank you.

[Droopy]

15. Thank you very much, jobycom

I owe you big time for that post. :thumbsup:

[Shakespeare]

18. This is another of those "I wish I could rec this post" posts.

Very well said, joby.

[Droopy]

16. ALRIGHT EVERYONE. LOOK HERE.

I will see about reporting this after the child's mother is buried. I'm going to talk to some family members about it as well. There is a possibility that things might work out naturally, without any intervention. The boy could end up with his grandparents. They have taken in a grandchild before. I appreciate everyone's input in this thread. I feel a little better now. Thanks.

[ogneopasno]

17. Thank you for caring and looking into it. I hope it turns out OK for everyone.

[stuntcat]

20. Good luck to this boy

poor kid. It is good to let him know people are there for him, he needs some better examples of how to be.

[lightningandsnow]

19. Oh, Droopy...

that entire situation is just tragic. You have so much empathy and compassion. :hug:

[fizzgig]

21. you have such a good heart, droopy

:hug:

i'm glad you're going to talk to the kid's family members, it sounds like he is going to need all the love and support he can get.