Wait! What the fuck?!?!

[harmonicon]

It was actually confirmed to me that women have secret meetings where they determine the fate of men, and I was basically told that I am on the agenda of the next one, and I haven't done shit about it. What the hell do I do?!?! I found out on Saturday, and the meeting happens anywhere between Friday and Sunday. How can I influence the outcome of this? Help, please! I need it to go well!!

[NightWatcher]

1. keep reminding them that they need us to fix lawn mowers

that's about all we are good for and the sole reason they need us around.

[harmonicon]

3. fuck

I don't know how to fix a lawn mower!! I've learned two new Smiths songs on guitar since then.... shit... I don't know how to apply that knowledge to this, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. I just can't think of a casual way of calling someone and saying "come over so that I may woo you by performing smiths songs for you in private". AHHHHHH!!!!! FUCK!!

[Bake]

9. NEVER admit you don't know how to fix something!!! NEVER!!

Now get back in there.

Bake

[Oeditpus Rex]

56. Word

They'll figure it out anyway, after you try to fix a few things and just make 'em worse.



I'm a moron, and this is my wife
She's frosting a cake with a paper knife
All that we got here's American-made
It's a little bit cheesy but it's nicely displayed
Well, we don't get excited when it crumbles 'n' breaks
We just get on the phone 'n' call up some Flakes
They rush on over 'n' wreck it some more
And we are so dumb, they're linin' up at our door

[Iggo]

11. Don't worry.

Learning songs on the guitar works. It works real good.

[harmonicon]

13. hmm... I hope so

but I need a chance to play them for her, and it would be better if it could happen before the meeting to decide my fate. This is definitely the next one to learn though:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3mu2IY0h5TQ&feature=related

[Jamastiene]

45. You should learn "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" by Poison.

ALL THE GIRLS I knew growing up loved that song and just swooned and swooned over it. That's your answer.

[harmonicon]

52. not in this case

I know that the smiths is the answer in this case.... what song? I don't know.

[guitar man]

4. not just fix lawn mowers

somebody has to mow too :D

[harmonicon]

6. I can mow!

I don't have a lawn though. I also don't plan on getting one.

[guitar man]

8. me too

I have to. If it were left up to my wife, we would walk out the front door into grass and weeds over our heads!!

[Kali]

34. digging

digging holes and ditches. Very useful skill. I will even cook for that task being done by not me.

[Jamastiene]

44. I can fix a lawn mower.

Try harder. :evilgrin:

[Angleae]

47. And change the oil.

[KansDem]

72. That, and to relight the pilot light on the water heater...(nt)

[jobycom]

2. Yeah, right. We'd have heard of it long ago. Everyone knows women can't

keep secrets.

[harmonicon]

5. well, I found out!!!!

She told me!! That means that she can't keep a secret. EEEEEEEK!!

[jobycom]

7. Uh-oh. I see your point.

:scared:

[harmonicon]

10. yeah, she's going to visit her sister this weekend

she said that they're going to talk about a lot of stuff - including me

I'm truly scared.

[MajorChode]

12. You're forgetting that men own and control everything

The thing about women is they can never agree among themselves, which is their downfall.

So don't worry about it.

[harmonicon]

14. really?

I don't know about that. She does certainly have control over my happiness and potentially the next few years/rest of my life. I just think that I should probably do something to influence the outcome in my favour. Should I have responded to the text message I got on Sunday morning? Shit! Do they have some sort of rule book where they score my performance?! damn. fuck. shit.

[MajorChode]

15. They can't control your happiness

Because they don't know all the possible sources.

[harmonicon]

16. they create the sources!!

They turn up, show you something that would make you truly happy, and then let you know that you can't have it.

[MajorChode]

17. Fortunately there are many to pick from

It's good to remind them of that from time to time.

[harmonicon]

18. I wish

Only one. Ok, there are others, but it's not good when one is the top pick by a factor of about 400 billion. They know that there are plenty to choose from, and I'm not so dumb to think that I'm not lucky to even be in the running. Maybe I should chill out. I suspect that I was the only one told about the deciding of fates (was I?). I would like to think that that means that the decision has likely already been made and that the meeting is only a formality, but it also may have been to prepare me for my demise - to ensure a soft let-down.

[MajorChode]

19. Life it too short to spend time being manipulated

Live by that simple rule and all will be well. It works equally on both sides of the gender gap.

[harmonicon]

20. if only

[onlyadream]

38. Are you for real?

Or are you joking (sometimes I can't tell on the DU boards).

No, we don't keep score, we don't have secret meetings, etc. Just do nice things for her; give her a back massage, rub her feet, compliment her. Little things go a long way. When you act like a jerk, say your sorry and mean it. Talk to her and listen to her.
When she visits her sister, tell her that you'll miss her - but don't crowd her (hold back, be cool, play hard to get).

[harmonicon]

40. oh, I wish I could do those things

I'm far too much of a gentleman, unfortunately, to do anything uninvited. I'd love to tell her I miss her, but I've only ever even done that once, and I didn't have the courage until she told me that she'd missed me too.


(I'm never entirely for real, but it's better that way)

[onlyadream]

48. If that's the case...

then maybe she has a problem with that... loosen up a little. Too much of a gentleman to do what? Give a back massage?

[harmonicon]

55. definitely not my style

I do give her cigarettes - is that close? I most certainly held onto her so that she'd be steady walking home the other week (and because she wanted me to).... I don't really get enough opportunities to do much, and I don't say much, because I feel like it's not my place.

[onlyadream]

58. She has to get her head straight.

Sounds like she's with her boyfriend, who she doesn't really want to be with. That's why she needs to talk it out with someone. I knew there was no secret meeting to decide your fate. It's just life.

[harmonicon]

60. let me have my fun, damn it!

:)

You say what you said, I say "secret meeting"; you and I say tomato, the English say that the weird way that they do; etc.

[Kali]

35. men are republicans and women are dems?

:P

[tigereye]

21. women always talk about these things - I'm not sure it means that your

very existence hangs in the balance..... :D

[harmonicon]

22. No! It does!!

She basically told me as much!! My Dutch friend says that I've done the right thing by not getting ahold of her since she sent me a text on Sunday after telling me about the meeting, but I'm not so sure. I think I might have to do something to influence the outcome before the weekend, and that would be tomorrow, and I haven't planned for it at all.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

27. Hey...Are you beig serious?

I'm sorry...I thought you were joking around.

I think if your relationship is entirely dependent upon the outcome of her meeting with friends, you might want to reconsider whether she is the right partner for you.

If you have to do something to influence the outcome of this meeting, how much more will you have to do on down the road? :hug:

Have a beer. :beer:

[harmonicon]

29. I've already had 1/3 a bottle of Pernod and 3/4 a bottle of wine, thank you very much

:)

Um.... I'm being kind of serious, in that all of this is some version of the truth, but I'm also trying to be light-hearted about it. So... I'm being serious and I'm joking about it at the same time - that's usually my way of dealing with life.

If you want the super-short version of the real story:

There's a woman who lives up the road from me and is another graduate student at my university, and I'm increasingly in love with her. I hadn't seen her in a month before Saturday, which was sort of hard, because I missed her a lot. I'd tried to not think about her, because - and I know this sucks, and that it kind of makes me seem like a bad person - she has a boyfriend who she lives with. Anyway, I saw her on Saturday, and she told me that she'd missed me, and said that she'd been thinking a lot about me. We had a sort of heart-to-heart about what she's going through, which really does suck and involves a lot of decisions on her part. I know that it sucks, because I was in a very similar situation 4 years ago, and I know what I did in her place.... I know that I made the right decisions, but I also know that I cut out a lot of great things from my life by making that decision and hurt some people along the way. I don't know what she'll do, but I do know what I want from her (and it's not sex - my sick dork fantasies about her involve cooking vegan meals and watching Hitchcock films while cuddling on the couch). So, she said that she's going to visit her sister (her twin sister, who she's understandably very close to) this weekend, and that she was going to talk to her about me and all of the other shit that's going on in my life, but she hoped that whatever happened we could remain friends, because I'm very important to her, and she's never known anyone like me before......

so, yeah. It totally fucking sucks.

the new Morrissey song is actually pretty good though:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ElemRKA9r1c&feature=related

[GoddessOfGuinness]

23. Criminy! Just put the damn toilet seat down!

:eyes:
:rofl:

[harmonicon]

24. She's never even been to my house!!

Man, did I clean when I mentioned this to my brother, and he said that I should probably not live in a shit-hole if she were to come over. However, that was awhile ago.... the house has kind of gone to crap again. I'm hoping that if she ever did come over, she'd just think that I lived like a tortured artist instead of slob (fingers crossed). *sigh*

It really is really really fucked up and stressful though. I'd just been happy until now knowing that I might have a 50/50 shot. I focused only on the good 1/2.

[Bucky]

25. They're VERY secretive & get gov't security. I tried to dress up & sneak in on a meeting once

Those vindictive cows had me kicked out the bathroom and arrested by the cops. Grrr, they're so unreasonable.

[harmonicon]

26. yes

?

[onlyadream]

28. Dude, how old are you?

Anyhow, I'm a woman and I can tell that we don't have secret meetings. In fact, the more a friend or sister disses the man, the more the woman wants him...it's just a thing.

Here's a word of advice: Make sure the girl digs you more than you dig her - OR make sure she really doesn't know just HOW much you dig her. Love is really stupid.

[harmonicon]

31. thanks for the advice!!

ugh..... sad thing is, I'm 30. I'm also single for the first time in 8 years. Ok, so this meeting isn't secret, because she told me about it..... but it still smacks of the secret smoke-filled girl-meetings that my friends and I theorized about in highschool. I hope she digs me at least as much as she digs me. It was just confirmed for me this past weekend that she digs me at all, which has sort of fucked my mind up, because I'd convinced myself that I had no chance at all, and was resigned to failure, at least as far as this woman is concerned.

I guess then maybe it's good that I didn't respond to her coy/lovely text message she sent the morning after we last hung out?

[onlyadream]

37. That's funny

I thought you'd be 17...sorry.

Okay, Valentine's Day is coming up - you MUST get her a box of chocolates (and let her eat it without telling her that she needs to cut back...) and/or flowers. If you have enough money, get a little heart necklace or something... Just know that (for my kind at least) it's the thought, not the amount spent.

How long have you been together?

[harmonicon]

39. been together?!?!?!

Now, that's a laugh!!! She lives with her boyfriend. Ugh... but she said that she really only moved in with him when she moved back into town because it was an easy thing to do, and she'd never been in a serious relationship before, so she didn't think it could go wrong - now she's really unhappy.

I don't have a lot of money, but I'd get her anything in the world.... I've still thought abut getting her something, even though it would be entirely inappropriate to do so. Also, I'll likely be away that weekend anyway, which is weird... especially since she'll be gone this weekend, which could mean that it will be another month until I see her again. However, I don't think that Valentine's Day is as big of a deal here (in the UK, where I live) than it is back in the US. There was certainly no New Year's kissing, which was weird, but a relief.

[onlyadream]

49. Sound of tires skidding on the street....

Boyfriend? So, you are not her official boyfriend? The plot thickens.

That kind of explains a lot - she's confused, which is why she declared that she needs to talk to someone. You are trying to woo her...in your English(gentlemanly)way.

Still, do nice things for her...and hope she moves out and away from her boyfriend (which I hope is really her ex-boyfriend - but it's not good and shows poor judgment for her to move in with him - even if it was convenient).

[harmonicon]

53. yeah, it sucks

I'm not even her unofficial boyfriend. It's not like we've even kissed or anything, but we've discussed the fact that we both feel like the other person is unlike anyone we've ever met, we miss each other when we're apart, and we're kind of crazy about each other. She's in a tough spot, but it sucks for me too.

[DarkTirade]

30. What do you mean 'what do I do'? There's nothing you can do.

Game over, man, game over.

[harmonicon]

32. really?! shit!!

I thought this might be my chance!!

Fuck!!

[trof]

33. Buddy, face it. You're screwn.

Just grin and bear it and take your medicine like a man.
Oh, and apologize a lot.
It doesn't matter what you apologize for.
You can even apologize for apologizing.
They just like to hear "I'm sorry".
Hell, they knew you were a sorry cuss when you used that lame line at the Boom Boom Room.
Good luck, you're gonna need it.
;-)

[harmonicon]

36. thanks!

I think my first "I'm sorry. I'm really really sorry" may have been what got me into this mess. Maybe it can get me out!! I should be writing this all on my hand so that I'll remember when I wake up.

[NuttyFluffers]

41. i suggest copious pots of coffee

if you're going to dwell on what may be, might as well dwell on it REALLY FAST!

[harmonicon]

42. good idea

I did that the other day - I think it just gave me a panic attack, but I don't see why I couldn't try it again.

[Jamastiene]

43. Hey, it's not only men they control.

It's other women too. :scared:

[MissHoneychurch]

46. ...

:evilgrin:

Welcome to the real world

[carlyhippy]

50. As long as you kill spiders and bugs at our beckon call, you will be spared

Carly

[harmonicon]

54. I don't know if she would like that...

she's pretty serious about the whole vegan, no killing of animals thing... I don't know if it applies to spiders and bugs. I'm not really good at killing them anyway - I usually try to catch them and let them outside.

[carlyhippy]

59. well, ok ..if you can stalk, capture and release spiders, bug & snakes, thou shalt be spared

good for you guys!!!

[harmonicon]

61. no snakes!!

I have a serious phobia. Maybe I'll ask if she'd like to move to Ireland or Iceland. I would be great at being a man in one of those countries.

[LiberalEsto]

51. No, we don't

Absolutely not. It's all a big lie. We women would never ever even dream of doing something like that. Honest. (giggle)

[Phillycat]

57. Will you see her between now and then?

The only thing you can do to positively influence how this meeting goes is to f**k the ever loving s**t out of her.

...what? Was I not supposed to say it out loud?

[harmonicon]

62. HA!!

I'm afraid I won't have the chance.... also, were I to be, *ahem*, I think that would mean that the meeting had gone/would go in my favour. I assumed I'd see her today, but I didn't.

I saw her on Tuesday out of the office window, which was frustrating, because I'd just gotten in, and she was just leaving, and we must have only missed each other by about a minute. I didn't want to be a weird yelling-out-of-the-window guy though.

I almost, nearly, maybe was going to call her tonight, but I didn't. Oh well. Perhaps I should have brought up the Morrissey concert again.

[Phillycat]

70. Perhaps you should strap on a pair!

:D Come on! Women like confident, assertive men!

[harmonicon]

71. perhaps

I'm trying to tread very carefully and not be too off putting. She needs space and time to think about things. She and I didn't hang out for a month, and we really missed each other.... I'm not sure if being aggressive is the way to go. I really don't want to have anything to do with screwing up someone else's life and relationship, but I'm happy to let them do it themselves and just be there when I'm called on. I just don't fucking know. I was basically in her situation 4 years ago, and I know the choices that I made.... the person who was in my present role was rather aggressive, and I don't think it helped things, but it probably didn't change anything either.

Ugh. I really am a wimp, aren't I? I just haven't had to woo anyone for a very long time, so I'm not good at it anymore. I also don't feel like it's my place to be asking for any favours from her. I don't know.... the best solution I've come up with is to send her a text and ask if I'm still invited to the Morrissey concert with her - I said "no" before for a number a reasons, the greatest being that she asked me in front of her boyfriend, and going to the concert involves going to the other side of the country and spending the night at her parents' house (I've met her parents, and they're lovely people, but I don't know what they'd be like if I was staying in their house and obviously had non-christian intentions for their daughter). It's not so much the parents I'm worried about there, but that if I'd said "yes", the boyfriend would punch my teeth out.

[Phillycat]

73. It all sounds extremely complicated.

Maybe go out with a girl who has fewer complications in her life? I know it's hard to pick who you love, and I appreciate the fact you have sympathy for her situation, but damn. That's an awful lot to be thinking and worrying about. Easy life, right?

[harmonicon]

74. it's not that complicated

it's the same basic old story: I love her, she (I think) loves me but is with someone else who she's unhappy with. Of course there are then details that make it more complicated, but life is always that way. I sort of feel like it's just up to her now and I have to deal with whatever decision she makes. Apart from that, I don't know what I can do - should I make my feelings more clear? It doesn't seem like I have to, but that could possibly help me - I don't know.

[Sanity Claws]

63. Can you open jars?

Next time try impressing a prospective new girlfriend by bringing jars of peanut butter, salsa, etc. on a date. If things start getting slow, whip out the jars and start opening them.
I bet you'll have her swooning in less than a minute.

[harmonicon]

64. that's a great idea!

opening in jars is one of the man-things that I'm absolutely great at!!

[foxfeet]

65. Oh, hell. Ditch 'em and come play for the other team.

Just in time for spring training and I get a toaster if I recruit you.
:evilgrin:

[harmonicon]

68. sounds good

While logic tells me otherwise, sometimes I feel like that would be easier - at least it wouldn't involve wondering what the hell women are thinking about all of the time. Maybe if I just go to some version of a camp that's the opposite of one of those Christian camps where they un-gay people, I could even fall in love with a nice man. It's not like my dreams of this woman involve sex that often - they're more focused on things like tender glances, watching movies together, and cooking her delicious vegan meals. I could do that for a man!

[ProudToBeBlueInRhody]

66. I knew about this in 1995.

There's nothing you can do. Accept your fate. Like I have.

[harmonicon]

69. how did it turn out of you?

Hold on!! You knew about this in concept in 1995, or have these women actually been preparing for this particular weekend since 1995? The latter would be astonishing, but somehow believable. It was first theorized by my friends and I sometime in the early or mid 90's as well, but I imagine that it's been going on for tens of thousands of years.

[Xipe Totec]

67. Confirmed. Here is the agenda:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7sei-eEjy4g

[astral]

75. donut worry

it wil be for the good of all

[harmonicon]

77. I doubt it

we'll see. I think the meeting may have been cancelled due to illness. Or maybe I ruined everything by sending a text asking if I was still invited to the Morrissey concert (answer - no).

[graywarrior]

76. A sage enema will do the trick