So there's this girl I like at work...

[Philosophy]

There's this girl I'm very attracted to who works in my office whose Army soldier boyfriend just dumped her after almost a year of them living together, because he was "afraid of commitment". In fact she moved clear across the country to be with him when he transferred to the base here. We work really great together and we're friends too - she confided to me the whole story of their breakup. We have also been doing some really subtle flirting with each other for months.

I want to ask her out except there are a few things I am concerned about:

1. She just broke up last week and she still is totally in love with that other guy and said that she would go back to him immediately if he changes his mind. I think this probably means I should wait at least a little while to do anything.

2. The whole office romance thing - plus I was unemployed for a very long time before I got this job, and I just got a raise because everyone loves me there so I don't want to jeopardize any of that.

3. She's in her early 20's and I'm almost 10 years older than she is.

On the other hand:

1. She might decide to move back where she came from very soon since the main reason she is here was to be with her old boyfriend. So this probably can't wait very long to make my move.

2. I'm definitely not afraid of commitment - at this point in my life I only go out with women I can see myself settling down with.

But on the other other hand (WTF where did that come from?):

1. I haven't been with a woman for a VERY long time and it may be causing me to go slightly insane.


Any DU lonely Saturday nighters wanna give me some advice?

[MercutioATC]

1. Ask her to lunch and talk with her.

Go from there. It's easy to take things a little too far in one's head. Just start at step #1 and see what happens.

[Philosophy]

6. I always overanalyze things

when it comes to women. But oddly, on everything else I never worry and just go with the flow. Psychoanalyze that.

[MercutioATC]

7. I occasionally have the same issue. Just stop thinking and do lunch.

It's just lunch.

That's a good thing.

[BlackVelvetElvis]

9. That's normal

I wouldn't even do lunch. How about coffee? It's not as serious. See if she wants to talk. If you get this chance, be cool and don't push things. One week away from a breakup is short. Make her laugh and listen to her.

[rockymountaindem]

2. I just got back from the shittiest party *ever*

so perhaps you shouldn't take my advice, but it seems to me (from my unqualified perspective) that you shouldn't try this because you have too much to lose. That means that since I'm telling you not to do it maybe you should. Now that you're totally confused, feel free to tell me off.

[coltman]

3. She needs a friend now

If it's meant to be it will happen.

[dpbrown]

4. The next guy's not going to "wait"

Wait at your peril. On the other hand, if you can't figure out a way to be supportive or communcative or something else on the sliding scale of human relation at this sensitive time, then maybe it was just not meant to be.

[Philosophy]

10. I'm thinking I should just be a better friend

We're kind of casual friends now, but I would like to be good friends and would definitely give her support. At least that might help her decide not to leave. That would buy us both a little more time. And AFAIK she doesn't have anyone lined up to ask her out - we're both pretty new in this town and our circles of friends are pretty small.

But she also might decide to stay out of the hope that her ex-boyfriend would take her back. She's seems like she's one of those people who tends to lose their sense of individuality in relationships.

[Faygo Kid]

5. You're overanalyzing. Take a breath, give it time.

Too soon right now. It obviously doesn't feel right, as your questions reflect. Funny thing about your comment - not being with a woman causes us to go insane; being with a woman causes us to go insane. No wonder they say men are nuts. They're right.

[maggrwaggr]

8. how long was she with the guy?

that's a big question.

She's in her early 20's, and you want to settle down, you're ten years older than she is, my advice to you is:

She'll fuck you up.

Don't get involved. It won't pay off.

Been there. Done that. Seen it all.

If you want your heart stomped on, well, go for it.

People on the rebound can be very passionate. But it doesn't last that long.

[Philosophy]

11. But he dumped her because she wanted to settle down

and he didn't.

I don't want to get involved with her on the rebound either and blow any chance I could have had for something more meaningful later, but I'm not sure how to tell when the rebound is over - I don't think I've ever dated anyone on the rebound.

[Philosophy]

12. Actually they were only together for a year

And had been living together for only about 6 months. Somehow they hooked up during spring break of her senior year in college (should that be another red flag?)

[JaySherman]

13. In my experience

Reasons not to do this:

1. It's not good to get involved with anyone just coming out a relationship: too much emotional baggage, the realistic possibility that she'll decide to go back to ol' Loverboy, the danger that Loverboy has decided he's not done with her yet. If she's already said she would go back to him, that should set off alarm bells right there. Too many rebound issues for it to be worth the hassle.

2. If she's in town because of her old bf, she's probably not going to be around much longer.

3. I never ever date co-workers. It's an iron rule I have. Life at work becomes an utter hell when relationship problems carry into it. And if your company frowns on inter-office dating, it gets even worse having to maintain secrecy.

4. Early 20's is generally the wrong age to be looking for a commitment from anyone.

5. Never date anyone for the sake of it. Loneliness is not a good reason to start a relationship. So you haven't been with anyone in a long time? So what? You've survived this long. Someone who's right for you will come along sooner or later, but this chick doesn't sound like she's it.

If I were you, I'd stay away. Move along and keep looking.

[Lauren2882]

14. Wow. I'm kinda on the other side of this situation.

I'm an early-20s female, and I've been attracted to an older (30s) male at my office for a long time. There's also been what I guess you could call "subtle flirting" but there was more of it earlier than there is now. I feel like I can't really do anything because it would be inappropriate, and I've kinda come to terms that nothing will happen and it's just a crush. Although every now and then I do wonder...
Don't have an Army boyfriend though, in fact haven't had a boyfriend in a long time.

As to your situation, I think considering that she's just coming off a long-term relationship, you'd want to take it slow with her. Try just being friendly first. Then if you're still intersted after getting to know her better, maybe it's the real deal?

[Dogmudgeon]

20. So, Lauren ...

Do you get to Philly much?

:evilgrin:

--bkl

[NEOBuckeye]

15. If you've got any romantic longings for this girl, give her some space.

A LOT of space. She's going to need much longer than a week to get over him. If you press her for some degree of romance or involvement now, and she doesn't immediately feel wierded out towards you for the suggestion, there is a very fair chance that you could become the "rebound guy." Basically, she'll look to you as a shoulder to cry on about him for a little while, and in some capacity, you may take the place of her ex. But once she heals to a certain point, she'll most likely want to start over fresh. If she looks at you and is emotionally reminded of him, she will distance herself from you as part of her "starting over" effort, and then you're just plain out of luck with her.

Be her friend as far as general conversation, lunch, job, whatever goes, and keep flirting with her as you have been. But DON'T initiate any conversation with her about the relationship. If she initiates a conversation about it with you, I would recommend changing the subject as soon and as discreetly as possible. Your best hope is that she decides to hang around after she gets over him, in which case, she may then look to you as a possibility for romance. But my guess is that more than likely, if she has no other strong social/emotional ties to the base, she will go back home.

Sorry if this sounds a little harsh. But I'm giving you a realistic perspective. I've seen situations very similar to yours play out in my own life, and the lives of friends and aquaintances, and the desired outcome in each of those situations has never been what actually took place. Whatever you decide, be aware of the likely outcome.

ON EDIT: I began typing this post before JaySherman posted, but my comments pretty much echo what he said. Take note.

[Philosophy]

16. All good advice

She says she likes her job here - it's much better than the one she left to come here. On a professional level, she's a project manager and I'm a programmer and I think she's the best project manager we have, who I and all the other programmers in our department like working with the most. She doesn't like our boss, but then none of us really do very much. I think I'm just gonna focus now on getting her to stay by being a good friend, and trying to control my more intense feelings.

[Nikia]

19. Be her good friend because you like her

If she stays, at least you'll have a good friend. It sounds like you both could use a good friend. If it becomes a romantic relationship, then you got what you wanted. If it doesn't, friendship is a good thing too, isn't it? Most of your feelings towards her can challened that way as far as you caring for her.

[Enraged_Ape]

17. I once had an office romance with a woman who'd broken up...

with her boyfriend only a week before we went out.

We've been married now for eleven years, and we've been together sixteen.

Don't let anyone tell you what the "rules" are. If it's right, it's right. You can't force it either way. Just seize whatever opportunities present themselves (if they feel right) and go from there. If she's not interested, drop it. If she IS interested, great. You'll know what to do when the time comes.

[seventhson]

18. Just be honest with her

Go out for coffee.

If she likes you at all it may be pretty clear, If not that will be clear too.

But tell her the truth - that you want to be friends but were afraid of the rebound thing.


Decent women love honesty --- but be prepared for here to say "not now" or "not ever" and tell her you are ready for that too.

The guy is obviously a loser if he dumped her (at least from your perspective) - but he may come sniffing back if he thinks some other guy is in the picture. So tell her that too and tell her you are ready to show you are a better mate for her than him - and you are willing to prove it.

Just lay it out for hewr and then step back. She will need to think it over.

All's fair in love and war and you can't win if you don't play.

Love is hard to find and harder to keep. But if you are a decent guy she might be ready to let you convince her it is time to move on from the soldier dude.

Besides - afraid of commitment often means he wants to screw around. Younger guys are like that and older guys like you are ready for romance and commitment. I think females know that and she may reciprocate if the pheromones are there for you.

[Dogmudgeon]

21. Fantasy Advice

Fantasize about the girl being pre-teen.

I don't mean in a sexual, pedophile kind of way. I mean imagine her as a little girl -- possibly an upset little girl who nobody loves. Get the whole waif thing going. Too many men think of women as being sadistic monsters. Especially those men who are into anime and manga.

The idea is to make her non-threatening inside your mind, and (especially) to reduce the sexual anxiety. In addition, you will start to have more protective and caring feelings for her.

(Note, if you really are prone to pedophilia, don't do this. See a counselor IMMEDIATELY!)

This isn't robotics. Ideally, you will start to consider her as more than a potential girlfriend, and instead of being focused on your own anxieties, you will focus on her. It will make it much easier to ask her out if it's appropriate.

When you think it's OK, don't even give it another thought -- just propose that you two get together. Even if she says "no", it's likely she will want to stick around, and she might change her mind.

Good luck!

--bkl
"More Advice from a Failure" ... ask for it by name!

[gmoney]

22. VERY long odds... I'd give it a pass.

1. It seems fairly univerally accepted that a person (man or woman) "sizes you up" as a potential romantic partner within the first few minutes of meeting you. I think that's going to apply here, even though she was involved when you first got to know her. So, she's already made up her mind, and since she WAS involved earlier, it's unlikely she's thinking of you "in that way" even if she enjoys your friendship. (However, if she DOES think of you that way, once she's over the break-up, she'll probably let you know she's interested.)

2. The job situation is a big complication. If she's a project manager, and you're a programmer, isn't it likely that you'll need to work together on some projects? There's almost no scenario where you two being together is a good thing in this regard. You make your move, she rejects you - bad, plus she might sue you. You make your move, she accepts but it doesn't take - bad. You make your move, she accepts and you start dating - maybe OK for you, but will cause problems for others involved in the project, and possibly your employers - bad. About the only thing that could work is if your employer is OK with co-workers dating, and there's almost NO chance you'll ever work on the same project.

3. The Dreaded Good Friend Syndrome. Another killer obstacle... you've established yourself as "safe" -- as a friend. Almost 100% guarantee that there will be no soup for you. If you'd been the mysterious guy from the other department who had a nodding acquaintance with in the hallways with her, maybe. But not if you're the "big brother" buddy whose shoulder she cries on... you might get one night of reckless abandon if you play your cards right, but it will get weird after that, and you're back to bad career move.

4. The age thing. Sure a 30-ish guy will be interested in a 22 year old woman, but you're almost half again as old as her. You were in college when she was in 4th grade... unless she's unusual, I think she's going to look for men closer to her own age, and she's probably NOT going to be in a hurry to find a serious relationship right away.

I know, doom doom doom, coming from a guy who's not really managed to handle this situation right in his life. But if your job is potentially on the line over this, I think you're much better off with a friend in the office than an ex at your old job.

The bright side, as a friend, maybe you can ask for her help to find you a nice girl... she can talk you up so your blind date is comfortable with your qualifications, yet you remain something of a mystery man, and there won't be the employment conflicts. She might ask you to return the favor though, which could be rough if you really have feelings for her.

Just don't go all "stalker" on her. Be available, but not omnipresent. REAL bad news there.