DarkTirade reviews a bad movie: Alien vs. Predator: Requiem

DarkTirade

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Mon Mar-09-09 10:03 PM
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DarkTirade reviews a bad movie: Alien vs. Predator: Requiem

I typed this out as a kind of stream of consciousness as I was watching the movie.

For those who saw Alien vs. Predator, you know just how badly mishmashed together a movie this crew can make. But that wasn't enough for me. Morbid curiosity drove me to see AvP 2: Requiem(for Hollywood's credibility).

I'm 20 minutes in as I've just started typing this. I don't know what's going on right now because the screen is so dark that I can't see a damn thing. It's easier to tell what's going on when the camera switches to PredatorVision�. I have extinguished all other light sources, and it is still hard to make out what's on the screen right now.

The movie started with the tail end of the first one. With an alien chestburster (enhanced with Predator DNA.) popping out of the chest of a dead Predator. This somehow caused part of the ship to separate from the main ship and crash, releasing Aliens on earth. It's not explained why the smaller escape pod/craft/whateverthefuckthisthingwas felt the need to separate.

So far the movie has no organic flow to it whatsoever. The plotline of the aliens spreading on Earth has taken a back seat to the introduction of the mindless, stereotypical characters. I mean, they actually have a clean-cut asshole jock who beats up the nerdy character with his three jock friends and a girlfriend who knows she shouldn't be dating him and she should be with the quiet geeky guy, but she hasn't dumped him yet. I'm sorry, anyone who has seen any bit of cinema in the last thirty years should know that this cliche has gone so far beyond over-used that its even stopped being funny when done to make fun of over-used stereotypes.

Finally, right here around the 20 minute mark, a living Predator lands on Earth to investigate what's going on. By now we've mostly forgotten that, however, since within two or three minutes we've gone back to the small-town life. The ex-troubled teen, older brother to the nerd, just got back into town after three years in jail. The tough woman comes home to her family after being off in the military.

Cheap scare tactics abound. Made more easy by the fact that its so dark most of the time that you can't see what's going on. Dramatic music queues up, the camera lists to one side. Things scuttle about that could be face-huggers... no, wait. Just rats. Wait... music is getting a little more pounding... and the scene cuts to something else.

This is just lazy filmmaking. I think he's trying to make a slasher flick out of these franchises. Its the only thing that makes sense so far. All that's missing are teen tits and a lack of pretense that this is a good film.

Jesus, it's a good thing I didn't decide to make a cliche drinking game out of this. I've honestly lost count of the number I've seen so far. And I'm barely past a quarter of the way through the movie.

Hey, director... what use is a bad-ass invisibility cloaking effect if you can't see what's going on anyway? The scary thing about Aliens is that they disappear into the shadows. The scary thing about Predator is that it can disappear into broad daylight.

I'm about a third of the way in. I don't know if I'm gonna make it, man. This movie is starting to wear on me. It doesn't even have the excuse of being a crap film with bad-ass things happening... because you can hardly see the bad-ass things when they happen. And to be honest, so far nothing's been particularly bad-ass. Right now, I think Predator is walking in a sewer. But don't quote me.

You know what would make this movie awesome? If the geeky kid found the Predator, and the Predator decided to train him and make him an incredible fighter. We could have a montage, crappy 80s music... then he'd come back and kick the ass of the jealous asshole jock and his two friends. And save the day from the Aliens at the same time. And win the school's Dance contest and/or Battle of the Bands.

What? Like it would be worse than what I'm already watching?

Holy shit, our first fight scene! And it's a crappy one. The fight scenes in the first AvP were more interesting and original so far.

Holy shit. The teens are sneaking out at night to go swimming. This IS a bad slasher film. Interrupted, of course, by the jealous jock boyfriend and his two friends.

Then we cut back to the actual movie, Alien vs. Predator. They're fighting at the power station, and of course this turns out the power for the whole town. Now that everything's dark, Aliens are coming out of the woodwork. Jock friend #1... dead. Jock friend #2... will soon be transformed into Alien #2. (And by #2, I mean poo.)

And now a little girl sees a monster in the dark. How much do you want to bet that Mommy and Daddy won't believe her until its too late and people are dead? BAM. "See honey, there's no monste...AAAAAAAHHHH!!!" and there goes Daddy.

I'm just past the halfway point. Hell has finally broken loose. And by 'hell' I mean 'one Predator, a couple Aliens, and they accidentally knocked the power out for the town. Which means that the Sheriff decides to... evacuate the entire town? Wha?'

Y'know, this movie would be much more watchable had they actually gone skinny-dipping like they did in the REAL slasher movies.

Holy shit... I thought they were going for shock value when a little kid got hit with a facehugger when the alien ship just crashed. And now they had a full-sized alien looking at the baby ward in a hospital like it was a buffet.

I want my babyback babyback babyback ribs...

Am I a bad person for writing that? I have to entertain myself somehow. And this movie sure as hell isn't doing it.

Jesus, I thought I couldn't' see anything before... now that the power's gone out in the town, not even the cameraman can see what the hell's going on. Two random stoner dudes who were just introduced died, and don't quote me but I THINK the jock asshole just died too. Too dark to be sure.

The only thing resembling consistent logic so far is the fact that they keep showing more than one chestburster coming out, which explains where all the aliens came from. Still doesn't explain how they're growing to full size in minutes. From what I've read online, supposedly there was a scene planned to explain that in the first AvP, but for some reason it was never included in the full movie.

And because of that, Aliens are EVERYWHERE in town. The only way I can see this movie ending well is with a nuke. For me or for the cast, either way, the suffering will be over.

In the last movie, the whole script was peppered with people making ridiculously stupid declarative statements. Things that they couldn't know. Things that were patently false. So on that note, this movie is actually LESS stupid than the last.

But not by a whole lot.

Can anyone tell me why the Alien's screams sound like baby elephants? That's kind of bugging me. Not sure why, out of all the craptastic elements, that's what's standing out for me.

Holy shit, did he just say "Get to the choppah!"? He did.

It's over. Thank the gods. It's over. That nightmare of darkness and horrible monsters is over. And by horrible monsters, I'm talking about the filmmakers. And by darkness, I'm talking about the camera work.