What do I do?

[Hosnon]

Say you're in your late 20s and you've been led to believe your entire life that you are the first son.

Then you discover you're not.

What is the appropriate reaction? Cuz it's a bit of a blow to the gut, for whatever reason...

[sammythecat]

1. Can you elaborate just a little?

First son died as an infant?
Mother or father had a son in a previous relationship?
You never noticed him 'til now?

In any case, why is 'who is first' of any importance? It shouldn't be, in my opinion. That's just silly.

[Shell Beau]

8. That isn't silly. He/she have been lied to their whole life.

[sammythecat]

9. Hence the request for more detail.

I knew nothing other than what was in the OP. And I was curious why being "first" seemed to be significant.

The whole "first born son" thing is, and should be, an anachronism. It was silly, to say the least, in the past and is still silly. I'm not trying to be snarky, I just don't get this. I didn't get it when I first learned of it when taught bible history in 3rd grade. It's superstition.

[Hosnon]

11. Yes, that's definitely part of it. I'm pretty sure I had the whole:

"It's great that my son and you will be able to get together and be the first bloodline". Of course it doesn't really matter in the long run but...damn...

[Hosnon]

10. No, the first son, as far as I know, is alive and well.

The "first son" thing is important to me I guess...probably because it's been a part of my identity for so long.

[MissMillie]

2. Well, I think if it were me....

If I thought I had an opportunity to welcome more family into my life, I'd be thrilled. I've got a terrific family, so the more the merrier.

(Disclaimer: I know that few people have the kind of wonderful family I do.... so my reaction is probably not in the norm.)

[Hosnon]

12. True...but the brother may not know he is adopted so I'm not sure

I'm the one to reveal that information.

[ogneopasno]

3. Are you hung up on not being the "first son" anymore? Or annoyed that you had a brother and never

knew about it?

[Hosnon]

13. Both...but moreso the second thing. nt.

[bigwillq]

4. What are the circumstances?

As a poster posted above, did he die at birth? Put up for adoption? Abandoned?


I am 31 and just found out that a baby died of crib death in my room before my parents bought the house. It doesn't bother me though.

[Hosnon]

14. Alive and adopted...as far as I know. nt.

[RedCloud]

5. Late 20's? As in the "late" Winston Churchill?

As the allowed to live first son, let me tell you. It hurts a lot knowing somebody who got aborted could have been my older brother or maybe I would have been targeted. But since your case does not involve the "late" as mine did, rejoice and embrace the opportunity. Share life's experiences. You have been the older brother for a quarter of a century and I think the other has too. Should make for good sibling talk.

[Gormy Cuss]

6. You adjust your definition of family.

It's easier in the long run to accept the news and move on. You don't say how or why this came about, so there's no way to say what's appropriate beyond accepting that your view of your family has changed.

[Shell Beau]

7. Not sure if there is an "appropriate" reaction.

React how you feel.

[960]

26. Best advice.

:thumbsup:

[Hosnon]

15. Sorry for the late reply everyone. I appreciate the responses. nt.

[scubadude]

16. Welcome him in as best you can.

It is not his fault he exists. It is not your fault you didn't know.

Welcome him, get to know him. Perhaps he will be a good friend.

You now have a big brother, which isn't a bad thing at all.

I hope I didn't get the relationship wrong,

Scuba

[Hosnon]

19. Weeeell. Turns out he was adopted and I'm not sure it's my place

to bring him up to speed on that fact...

[scubadude]

28. Is it necessary to?

I'm missing something basic here.

Best,

Scuba

[emilyg]

17. Rejoice.

[blogslut]

18. My Grandfather had two children before he married my Grandmother

In other words, he was married twice before he married my Grandmother. One ex-wife told him the child died. One ex-wife told the child that my Grandfather had died. When my Grandmother's 8 children found out the truth, they crossed hell and high water to find those siblings.

You have a new family member. Be glad. Family is precious. We can never have enough family.

I won't even go into how my own child was suddenly "discovered" by her father's family.

[Hosnon]

20. I would but the circumstances of his adoption make it unclear whether I can contact him. nt.

[blogslut]

23. Are you both grown adults?

If so, CONTACT HIM!

Who cares what silly parents do? This is your brother.

[Shell Beau]

29. A stranger may not be the best one to reveal that he is

adopted if he doesn't know about it. They may be brothers, but from what I gather, they are also strangers. Kind of a sticky situation.

[cherish44]

21. Hmmmmmmmmm

I'd be very curious why I wasn't told I had a brother. As far as not being the first born son...I don't know, unless you're in line for the British throne or something, I don't think it should matter that much.

[KitchenWitch]

22. Sounds like you start to work on acceptance

And get to know your brother.

[Iggo]

24. Are you heir to some throne?

If not, what's the big deal who's first?

[Shell Beau]

30. He didn't know he had a brother. Kinda a big deal.

[Iggo]

32. That part I get.

It seemed to me on first reading that he was more concerned that he wasn't the oldest anymore, and I found that part puzzling. I've never gone through it. I'm the oldest son. Who knows? Maybe I'd feel the same or similar. I suppose it bears more consideration than the few seconds I thought about it before replying...lol.

But getting a brand new sibling out of nowhere? Fuck yes, I can see how that'd throw anyone for a loop.

[hibbing]

25. life is strange

Hi,
Good luck to you however you try to pursue this or not. Just from my personal experience, my mother found out she was adopted at the age of gosh, 70? Somehow she has hooked up with her brother and he is the sweetest, most special person ever and they now talk on the phone regularly and have met in person a few times. Kind of puts the wiggly (it is late, it is St. Pat's Day) in terms of what I thought was my "cultural" heritage, but at this point in my life and hers, I really don't care.

Peace

[MilesColtrane]

27. It will be hard to get over the feelings that this will stir up.

Your parents didn't tell you a crucial part of the family history. I didn't find out that my brother was my half-brother until I was about 13 years old.

This didn't change the way I felt about him, but in trying to figure out why my parents didn't tell me, many negative thoughts ensued;
did they not feel that I was important enough to let in on this? I must really be an idiot for not realizing this earlier. etc...

The only thing I'd say to you would be to talk this out with your parents while they are still around, maybe with the help of a professional counselor.

Don't let so much time pass that you miss the opportunity to resolve this with them.

[applegrove]

31. The biggest thing is that you now have a brother. Either you have someone new

to get to know (which is huge) or your parents lost as son before you were born (which is huge for them so would be big for you). So either way you have people to talk to about important stuff. The fact that you are no longer first son would be way down the list of important stuff to talk about. Most people wouldn't think of it at all.