How does one learn to be a good communicator?

[alarimer]

I mean for relationships, not for public speaking or whatever. All my life I have been an introvert. I am shy and reserved. People tell me all the time that they can't get through to me and that my conversations are not "deep" enough. My boyfriend broke up with me because of it. He wanted "easy" conversation. Apparently I am too difficult to communicate with. I do not understand it at all. If you ask me if I spoke to my parents recently, and I say no, what more can I say? How do I elaborate on something that is basically a yes or no answer?

Before this guy, I hadn't been on a date with someone more than once in the last 8 years. It gets harder and harder as I get older to find someone who doesn't mind my flaws. And the communcation thing mystifies me; it truly does. Why is it that I can explain myself fully in email when all of my words are stopped up? There are things I want to say to him, but I can't make the words come out. Does this make any sense at all?

[LynzM]

1. Hey dude...

PM for ya :)

[alarimer]

7. Thanks. n/t

[RedCloud]

2. What is a conversation?

It is a meaningful exchange of information between two willing listeners.

I think generally if someone likes you they will follow your train of thought. If someone goes off on a tangent and then the next and next and you cannot get in a word edgewise, I do think you should make that your last "conversation" with that person, unless you are legally tied to that person.

But if some say they don't get you, how many other things do they actually get? If not many, then you need to move on.

Perhaps you can try to find places where people will engage in conversations more suitable to your liking. Universities offer lecture series on a wide variety of topics, e.g.

[alarimer]

8. Well for me, I am often stuck for words.

And afraid to say what is truly on my mind. Maybe that is simply a lack of confidence, I don't know.

Maybe it is better to just say it and let the chips fall as they may.

[tigereye]

3. practice listening to people and learning to ask them questions about

themselves, that's a good start. Or find an adult communication group.


And yes, it does. Good luck.

[alarimer]

9. Yes, I often do not ask questions.

not simply the "How was your day" kind of questions. There are times when I feel it is expected that I ask something but simply cannot think of anything to ask. I know that the way to draw people out is to ask about themselves.

[tigereye]

18. it's interesting, I often wonder if practicing interviewing people

(say the way people do at job interviews, or an older person in the family, etc.) is a good way to learn to do that. I'm betting there are some sample conversational scripts you could check out.

[Marrah_G]

4. I have the same problem

I finally found someone who loves me warts and all though. Took me a while to believe it though.

[alarimer]

10. Yes and I thought this person was that one.

But it may be that there is more going on there than simply not communicating. It maybe that he needed more of an ego-massager than I am. Or something like that anyway.

[deucemagnet]

5. I respect your willingness to change, but I don't think there's anything wrong with you.

It's OK, to be introverted, it's OK to be shy and reserved, and it's OK not to want to bare your soul in conversations.

Being introverted is not a pathology, nor is being extroverted an ideal.

[alarimer]

12. Well I think I have made the mistake of confounding introversion with shyness.

They are not necessarily the same thing. And it isn't a pathology, you are right about that. A comfortable, companionable silence is a good thing. But there are techniques out there for people to learn how to communicate more effectively, just as people can learn to give speeches or presentations, even though they are terrified to do so.

[Nickster]

6. I totally feel your pain. I really do. I've just recently stopped beating myself up over it though.

I beat myself up so bad about what was wrong with me and why can't I be like everyone else. I am who I am and I think that's pretty damn good, thank you very much.

Anyways. I try to cope a bit by asking more questions. You'd be surprised how a few simple questions can send an extrovert into a frenzy. They pretty much forget that you haven't said anything. At work for instance, I saw pics on someone's walls and simply asked about them, they spent a few minutes telling me all about them and I was a sweetheart for asking. It's stuff like that that I focus on as far as communicating. If someone asks about me, I answer and then pivot into another question about them. So then it's not so much about how little I said. Does that make any sense?

[alarimer]

14. Yes that makes perfect sense.

People are mostly self-centered. They mostly love to talk about themselves. My issue is that I am unable, afraid or too bashful to ask the questions.

[Nickster]

17. I know, I really do. It wasn't easy, but I started out simple. When I walk along the halls at work,

I smile and say hello to everyone. I'm not stopping, keep walking, but smile and say hello while I'm passing them. I don't need to have a long conversation, but I leave them with a pleasant impression of me.

I moved up the ladder and started asking smaller questions around the coffee pot, "How was your weekend?". I'm at the coffee pot, so it isn't rude if I get too overwhelmed by things to politely bow out, "Sorry, got to get going". Pleasant impression, I didn't get out of my comfort zone, they felt good, etc etc.

It's a tough road, no doubt about it. I think the biggest hurdle was getting over thinking something was wrong with me. There isn't, I just communicate differently. But it is important for me to understand that others communicate differently and that I need to figure out how to build some bridges or be happy just being the guy that no one wants to talk to.

When you find the right person for a personal relationship, it won't be that much work, seriously, it won't.

[LaurenG]

11. It's hard to be sensitive/shy and then make yourself vulnerable

by saying things that only come more easily once you know someone. Just be yourself, we all have wounds and flaws. All you have to do is be brave and not take anything personally from people who don't even know you.

Hang in there.

[Heidi]

13. Gf, please work on _yourself_ and how you perceive _yourself_.

Pleae don't enter into any quest because of guys/lack of guys. If you can afford to talk to a therapist, as a matter of exploring what you PERCEIVE as a communication deficit, I'd do that FIRST. Communication isn't EASY at ALL for my partner, who is the most wonderful, honest, kind, funny man on earth -- but he TRUSTS me and so communication happens more easily for him than it did before. Maybe if you can learn to trust more (within rational parameters), it will be more comfortable for you to communicate openly and honestly. :hug: :hug:

I'm not a professional in pretty much anything/everything. Just a feeling, really. I wish you EVERYTHING good. :hug: :hug:

[alarimer]

15. Thank you.

You make a lot of sense. My aunt says much the same thing and she IS a professional therapist.

[supernova]

16. Try a beginners' acting class

Ironically, some of the best actors are also very shy people IRL.

Exercises can see bizarre if you've never delved into it, but they are all designed to help you relax and forget yourself for a minute.

I have the same issues. but working in theatre helps some. You get to study and practice human behavior as a way of learning how to externalize all that you feel so as to give a good performance. Learnng those things is beneficial to real life too.

I often think I have said something when I really hadn't. It's a maddening quality to those who know me too. :-(

:hug:

[Pacifist Patriot]

19. It sounds like issues with boundaries rather than shyness.

And yes, I noticed up above you mentioned the mistake of equating introversion with shyness. I am an introvert and probably one of the least shy people you'll ever meet. A couple of people here have met me and can testify to that.

Introversion / extroversion has more to do with energy gain and depletion that shyness. Crowds wear me out and solitude recharges me. My extravert husband is exactly the opposite. He gets a rush from other people and solitude begins to wear him down.

I agree with the suggestion of finding a competent and compassionate therapist to help you. Learning about personal boundaries and developing competency in trust will probably prove more helpful than learning how to be a conversationalist (I know you meant more than just a conversationalist).

[northernlights]

20. you could try taking my oral communications class

the "professor" is an excellent example of how *not* to communicate orally (or in writing) with others. Just *don't* do anything she does.

Some prime examples:

1. The "professor" assigns a paper with a topic and length of 1 page. No other directions. A week after handing in, each student gets their paper back with the #3 scrawled on it, plus 2 check marks. 15 minutes later she lectures us about how important feedback is in communication.

2. One hapless student (moi) foolishly emails the "professor" and after admitting to feeling a little lost trying to write a paper without any direction, after 2 years of writing only science lab reports, feels even more lost as to how to improve without much in the way of specific feedback. The "professor" writes back that science lab reports are *just* observation, whereas her papers about about "critical thinking, analysis and interpretation." One is led to wonder, has this "professor" ever taken a pre-med science course? (For those who haven't, science labs are all about critical thinking, analysis and interpretation. that plus a lot of math). Even more to the point, does this "professor" even realize she is at a university where research and pre-med science is the core curriculum?

3. In the next class, the poor hapless student foolishly follows the "professor's" instructions in the practice "small group discussion." Apparently the "professor" is unhappy with the direction in which the hapless student is taking the discussion. The "professor" proceeds to cut off, interrupt, yell over and yell at the student, as she stammers around trying to follow screamed at, contradictory directions. The entire class is essentially shut down in terror. All the "professor's" attempts at reviving class discussion, or even eliciting single word answers, are in vain. The class spends the next 2 hours in painful silence while the "professor" attempts to continue teaching. Was "professor" providing an example of how oral communications work? Who can say?

4. In the following class, the "professor" performs damage control with a little lecture about "somebody" who spoke and behaved in ways that are not acceptable in "her" class. Hey, at least she recognizes her behavior is bad! She proceeds to make passive-aggressive attacks on this "someone" for the rest of the class.

5. Poor hapless student is overheard relating the incident to her lab partner -- by the head of the biology dept. Who is not amused at the "professor's" take on science lab reports being "just observation" and suggestion that they don't involve "critical thinking, analysis, and interpretation." As it happens, the school is evaluating curriculums as these events occurred, and considering dropping the oral communications requirement, or at least making it easier to get a waiver, as a way to reduce student costs to support enrollment and as a way to cut university costs.

6. Episode 6 still to come. Hapless student is working on the anonymous written evaluation normally handed in at end of each course. Opening lines read, "This class may have passed as a joke were it not required at a time of scarce -- and dwindling -- resources. As it stands, it is a sad waste of student's precious money, time and effort. The middle is in process. The end reads, "It leaves one to wonder what criteria were used in selecting this faculty member. Surely competence was not among them."

7. Episode 7 still to come. It involves budget cuts, first-in-first-out, and clueless "oral communications adjunct faculty."

[alarimer]

21. It's an opposite class!

I feel for you. Many science professors (or maybe professors in general) are hapless at communicating.

My major professor was okay, just a little scatter-brained. I kept having to remind her about deadlines, etc.

[northernlights]

23. oh, my science professors are wonderful communicators!!!!

they manage to explain the incomprehensible, and make it understandable!

The professor in question is in the Communications Dept. and was hired to teach "Oral Communications."

Seriously. This is an "Oral Communications" professor, teaching "oral communications."

The course is a requirement for the biology and allied health majors!

[historian]

22. take this advice from an older man

I had a terrible time when i was growing up, trying to meet girls etc...Finally, when i reached my 40's i decided that if people didnt like the way i looked, sounded or spoke, then they can go elsewhere. Just say whats on your mind without trying to impress anyone or trying to say what they expect and speak your mind. Do it with a sense of humor and youll be surprised how many people will enjoy being with you. Nearly everyone in this neurotic country has this problem, so just go ahead and say whats on your mind. If they dont like it they can lump it. If they do you have a friend. Not hard really. Good luck.

[alarimer]

28. That's good advice

I am going to try and do that from now on.

[Pharlo]

24. For me, personally, I have trouble with polite social chit chat.

There are some people around whom I am entirely comfortable and can converse with ease and others around whom I find silence to be the best form of communication. With these people, it is typically a very uneasy silence. Eventually, they leave.

I find that my mutts are the best company. But, that's me. As far as I'm concerned, if someone doesn't like how I am and expects me to 'change', I'm not going to be comfortable around them, so any long term association is void.

I don't know how old you are, but when I was in my latter 20's and early 30's, I thought the problem was me and I tried working on it....But, by my mid 30's, I realized I didn't want to change, I liked me. If others didn't, they didn't need to be around me.

If I'm reading your post correctly, you seem to be able to communicate in the written format with no problem, it's oral communication that stymies you. I have the same problem. When something is really important to me, particularly in a relationship, I find that if I write it down - get my thoughts in order - I can communicate the points more clearly in a conversation. It may sound stupid, but I think it allows me to get my thoughts in order. When I'm writing, I have time to think things through, make an outline, flesh it out, arrange things sequentially, review it, perhaps see conclusions that I would have missed with a mere discussion. Read it through a couple of times, familiarize yourself with your points/arguments and then have the conversation with the other party.

It sounds like a lot of work for a simple conversation, but when something is REALLY important to me and I don't want to screw it up, I find this helps me a lot. And, I don't need it for every conversation, but the important conversations where I'm trying to express myself in a relationship, it's been an invaluable tool.

Good luck on whatever you decide.

[alarimer]

29. This is not just for personal relationships

I also need to improve communication skills for my job and also for job interviews. I have to at least fake being somewhat outgoing. It matters for some positions more than others but also to just come across better in interviews.

[elshiva]

25. A Great Communicator...

[MedleyMisty]

26. One possibility is finding another introvert

I am an introvert too. My husband is even more introverted than I am. Right now we are both sitting silently on our computers, in good introvert companionship. :)

Of course that's easier said than done - I lucked into finding him through a series of circumstances that you can't really tell another person to just replicate.

As one introvert to another, I wish you luck and give you cyber hugs.

[alarimer]

30. My boyfriend is an introvert too but not shy.

At least not very shy.

He told me today though that the issue is not so much shyness or inability to communicate as it was the fact that I kept him at arm's length. In other words, I have too many walls. I know it and it is caused by certain negative experiences in the past that have made it difficult to relate.

[RandomThoughts]

27. I try to learn by following the exceptional examples set by

Bridge Officer Ohura

[Evoman]

31. Easy...you know that voice that tells you that saying something might not be smart? Kill that voice

And say whatever you want, whenever you want. You'll probably assume people won't like you. Nothing can be further from the truth...people will like if your risque. People will respond to honesty.

Sounds hard, right? Well, whenever I'm afraid, I think about the universe. And how the universe doesn't give a shit what I do. And how the Earth, and everyone on it, is literally nothing. And how, within 30 or 40 years, I'll be fucking dead. Within a hundred years, everyone I know will be dead. In two hundred years, no on will ever know I was alive, beyond maybe a name and an old picture.

So who the fuck cares. Might as well do what I want. Say what I want. Connect to people how I want.

Some more practical info:

1) People will light up when they talk about certain things, and look distracted when talking about others. I.e. thats the contrast between interested and bored. So ask questions about the interesting stuff.

2) Strike conversations up with strangers. Your never gonna see them again, so you might as well use them as practice.

3) Practice, practice, practice. It's like everything else...wanna get good at it, you gotta do it. Join Toastmasters...great organization for learning how to communicate. Call your friends. Call your parents. Talk, write, share. Even going into chat groups and talking helps. What are you doing on DU? Communicating! Keep it up.

If your boyfriend asks you if you've talked to your parents, you say, "No, but last time I talked to them they said...." or "No, have you phoned yours? What are they doing this weekend?" On the other hand, next to sex, communication sucks...so when I don't have anything to say, I just put out for my girlfriend :rofl:

[DarkTirade]

32. *edit* dupe

[DarkTirade]

33. If you find out, lemme know.

I often have the same problem. :)