So I need help dealing with my mother-in-law

[Giant Robot]

I hope this doesn't sound too cliche but I am really fed up with my mother-in-law's behavior, and before I say anything I wanted suggestions from people not in the midst of it.

M-i-l and Mrs. Robot have had a strained relationship for as long as I have been a part of the mix. M-i-l has always said cruel little things to Mrs. Robot, who says she does not even notice them anymore. Frequent comments center around Mrs. Robot's weight and our handling of our finances. In all honesty Mrs. Robot has put on some weight over the years, but she says things that get mean. And again she has helped us out once with money and we have screwed ourselves over financially, our credit is a mess, but things are getting better and we have taken steps to be more secure financially. Doesn't matter. I have let all this go so far. I have thought that this is their relationship and they are going to play it out however they want.

Things are not getting better and I think I need to step in soon if this does not change. I have spent some time thinking about Little Robot, who turns two next month, and what impact it will have on her seeing grandma talk like this to mama. I have decided I am not going to let her think that this is appropriate behavior for her or adults. I will not have Mrs.Robot demeaned anymore like this, especially in front of Little Robot.

The only times she and Mrs. Robot have talked in the past month were: 1) when m-i-l called and left a nasty vmail saying a bank had called looking for Mrs Robot at her house. The vmail said "How dare you do this to me. I cannot even answer my phone anymore thanks to you." Yes it is a creditor, but it was their own fault for not seeing the payment made. 2) When Mrs. Robot wanted to ask a question about a recipe, she left a vmail. M-i-l went to Mrs. Robot's work, said, "What?" Mrs. Robot explained and said she figured out the answer. M-i-l turned and left. And 3) when Mrs. Robot called m-i-l to tell her what time Little Robot's party is, m-i-l asked if it was "going to be more civilized than last year." After we recovered from the shock factor, the only thing we could assume that meant was last year we had a little party, with some family and a couple friends for Little Robot's bday. We had cake and ice cream. Little Robot shoved her piece of cake right in her mouth and got all messy and needed a quick bath, then the party continued. M-i-l apparently thought that was a great part faux pas. Maybe not the best choice but its a learning curve and really it was a one year old's bday party.

So that is the story in very brief. I feel like I have to say something at least to stop the comments. I am not trying to fix their relationship, even I know I am not that good. But I just want it to stop so Little Robot does not think that this is OK. Any ideas what to say? Or is there another way? Or is saying something a bad idea? Help?

[Maine-ah]

1. your wife should say something. It's her mother.

[Giant Robot]

2. I agree with that

But the few times she has said anything, well, made the situation worse in the moment, and there was no long term change. I would rather it come from her, but I also do not want to wait around anymore while they do their dance. This has to stop now; I will not have Little Robot seeing this.

[Whoa_Nelly]

4. Help your wife rehearse all possible (and most likely predictable) scenarios

before she confronts her mother.

Rehearsal can help stop any digression toward words that cannot be taken back, keeping the point on topic.
If making it all about Little Robot is the point, then rehearsal keeps it to that and away from it becoming about Mrs. Robot and her mother.
If it is about Little Robot, keep it from being about your wife and you, is all I'm saying. :hug:

[Giant Robot]

5. Mrs Robot and I have had this conversation numerous times

I am being more vocal about the situation now because of Little Robot.

I understand completely what you are saying, that this should be a very focused conversation done between mother and daughter. What I have seen is that does not produce much change. I am happy to try again, because that is the better path, but I am also not going to keep banging my head against the wall so to speak, and just let this continue as is now. That time is past and all of us need to put the big person pants on and act like adults for LR's sake, myself included. That's why I need a check like this to see if I am completely off base in this.

[Whoa_Nelly]

6. That's why I suggested rehearsing

Rehearsing with others, with self in mirror, to self, in conversation with a listener who knows (that would be you ;) ), helps the speaker (your wife) to play the broken record and not back down on the rehearsed words to keep on point by remembering to say them over and over again without malice, without rancor, and most of all, without allowing any give on the boundary being set.

[Lil Missy]

7. I still want that kitty. Must I beg?

:shrug:

[Whoa_Nelly]

11. Were it mine, i would say

Hell No! :P




But you can copy the Dr. Tinycat Internet pic I found as much as you want :hi:

[SeattleGirl]

13. She might also want to write down what she wants to say, and have

it with her when she talks to her mother. She could even read from it, to keep herself on track.

I used to work in the alcohol/drug field, and when a family got ready to do an intervention on a family member, we would have them write their feelings down and read them to the person. It may sound weird, but believe me, it helps tremendously, especially when the person being talked to/confronted starts trying to knock the interveners off their rails.

Mrs. Robot needs to know without a doubt that Giant Robot has her back (and it sounds like he does).

It's not an easy thing to do, to confront someone, especially a parent. It can be done though, and Mrs. Robot absolutely has a right to live without that kind of verbal abuse. I wish her (and Giant Robot) well.

[elleng]

16. Yea, fergit it coming from daughter.

TOO much water has passed under that bridge, I think.

[Whoa_Nelly]

3. I agree

You wife needs to step up to the plate in setting boundaries with your MIL on behalf of, and in the best long term interest of, your child and your marriage.

Highly recommended that you don't place yourself into a position that could create irreparable damage over time to your marriage.
If your wife feels as you do, (and assuming you have voiced your concerns to your wife about all you wrote...if not, would be wise to do so), then give her your support to follow through and set the limits with her mother.

:hi: :hug:

[Haole Girl]

8. Well, I am definitely not "in the midst of it" since...

I still have not met my own mother-in-law in 16 years of marriage. lol (she lives in India) But I would still like to offer some ideas. First, I am really glad you acknowledge this is not healthy behavior. NOBODY should have to tolerate verbal abuse. Not even (no, make that especially) from their own mother.

Sounds like the first step is for you to talk with Mrs. Robot and make certain she realizes the impact continual verbal abuse can (and would) have on Little Robot. Then it's time to "lay down the law." Often, a family member who has helped with finances will begin to feel they have the "upper hand" in a situation. Not so. You need to let your MIL know she doesn't have a right to create an unhealthy and tense situation in your family's lives. It doesn't matter if she's loaned you money, or helped you out with finances. It doesn't make it any better than the person on the street corner treating you like dirt. It just doesn't.

Well, like I said, I've never even met my own mother-in-law... so who am I to dispense advice? ;-) These are just some passing thoughts I had.

I wish you and your family all the best. Hopefully, the MIL will wake up and realize what harm she is causing & will just stop it. :hug:

[rvablue]

9. Google "malignant narcissism"

I think it might help you to read up on it as from what you wrote, it sounds like your MIL might be one.

Unfortunately, you will find there is not much you can do to change these folks.

But, action is warranted and necessary. Although Little Robot can't understand her gradmother's actions right now, one day very soon she will. And if your MIL does this to your wife, there is a good chance she will do it to your daughter, too.

Anyway, hope you read up on what I suggested and good luck to you. It's definitely not an easy or pleasant situation.

[PassingFair]

10. Pay M-I-L back what you owe her and then tell her to SHOVE IT.

You are allowing yourselves to be manipulated and
mistreated for money.

MIL KNOWS it and is taking advantage.

She will continue to act badly if you give her
this power.

Once she has no hold over you, her behavior
can be dictated by YOU.

If she wants to see her grandchild, she will shut her nasty mouth or
hit the door.

Do I need to add:

NEVER BORROW MONEY FROM THE CREEP AGAIN, EVER.

[PassingFair]

12. Also, have Little Robot's birthday party at a Hooters.

That's what a friend of mine did when her
mother-in-law became overbearing.

Priceless.

[elleng]

14. I haven't read the comments here.

First, I'm sorry you and yours have to endure this stuff. People are well awful. I just learned from my daughter about some awful things my m-i-l wrote to her son, my husb (estranged).

ANYWAY, I suggest that YOU find a chance to chat with her, briefly and succinctly. "Hey You, I'd like to talk about lil'robot for a moment. He's growing up and learning about how people act with eachother. As you and daughter don't get along very well (my terms, all of this) I often hear between you the type of words etc that I think could be harmful for him to hear and incorporate into his life.

I'm sure you'd like your grandson to be a good person, so please do what you can to help us to achieve this." CUT OUT THE BS!!!

Build up the obligation to be a nice grandma, if you can.

I hope you get the idea. From what I see, daughter wouldn't have a chance to accomplish this; you as an outsider might.

Don't open it up for discussion; just, I WANT TO chat with you. No debates allowed! Got it? GOOD LUCK. :hug:

[Dappleganger]

15. We always get along best with the inlaws and my folks...

the more distance there is between us.

The most important thing is your family. YOUR family. Not her parents or your parents, but your wife and child. It's time to establish some healthy boundaries in order to protect the sanctity of YOUR family.

There are some mistakes you've made and you need to take care of them, but without interference from anyone else. The best way to do that is to make it clear that they are YOUR mistakes and that YOU are taking care of it, and never ever discuss finances or money with your wife's family again. That topic should be made off limits, period.

It seems as if there is an unhealthy relationship between your wife and her mother which would probably be best addressed by a psychotherapist. Your wife needs to do this for HER. Distance will help her get through the untangling of the toxic relationship. I know, I've had to do some of that in regards to my own mother (who has now passed away) and my bipolar father.

You are correct in observing that the remarks made by your wife's mother could be damaging to your child. Use that as motivation for both of you to separate FAR from her mother and take care of yourselves. You owe it to your child to fix the grownups in his life as far as can be done, then work from there. Do everything possible to not allow him to become a pawn between yourselves and the grandparents as well (we unfortunately had to go through that as well). The end result may not be what you dreamed of but the best you can do is take care of your own nuclear family FIRST. It may mean a permanent, distant relationship with her mother and less time for the son spent with her. However, it can still be healthy that way and it is far better than what you have going on now.

And I also agree with the others who recommended that your wife should speak to her mom, but you do have the right to tell your wife how this toxic relationship is affecting YOU, YOUR marriage and your child. Good luck!

[XemaSab]

17. Mothers and daughters have a dynamic

that you may not want to get in the middle of.

Be conciliatory, but stand your ground and take your wife's side.

You don't want Little Robot to grow up without a grandma.

[Kerrytravelers]

18. Mr. kt and I have four kinds of crazy in our life. They commonly go by Mom and Dad.

He deals with the crazy he brought to the marriage, and I deal with the crazy I brought. It is just much easier that way. I take responsibility for keeping my parents crazy in control, and he, his.

Now, as far as kids go, we don't have any. But we have certainly had the conversation about how we're going to deal. Basically, because we have crazy parents, bringing the future Little Kerrytravelers around will be on a case-by-case basis. When they are going through a crazy spell, we will not be subjecting the kidlet to that.

Perhaps you and the Ms. need to make a joint decision on how much you will tolerate from the m-i-l (and people in general,) and how you will gracefully remove yourself from an uncomfortable situation. In the case of a birthday party, maybe another family member can host the party or it can be held at a neutral location, like a park or kids' play area. You need to have an "out" word that clues one that the other is ready to go.

Best of luck to you!
kt

[PassingFair]

19. LOL ..."out words"...

My sister always asks her husband, "Can I get you a Sprite, honey?"
when she thinks he needs/wants to extract himself from any situation.

:rofl:

[Kerrytravelers]

20. Let me tell you, we use the hell outta our "out" words.

We have to keep changing them because we thing everyone is going to catch on!

:rofl:

The best one was when we started talking about our cat, how much we love him and how much we missed him when we're away from home. That was our cue to take off. So, everyone thinks we're going home to be with out cat because we miss him. Maybe if they think we're a little "off," they'll keep their distance, too! We should be ashamed of ourselves, using our little furkid like that, but it sure got the job done!!!!

:rofl: