Should I be offended? (Dumb comment by mom)

[MorningGlow]

So yesterday my mom was visiting, and we were making small talk. She mentioned that she was going through some old papers and came across a copy of a law journal--apparently while my brother was in law school (about 35 years ago), he had an article published. She GUSHED about how he had this one article published. How well written it was. How impressive it was that he was published.

...I'm a professional writer. I have articles published in a variety of media all the time.

I just sat there and blinked at her and she sputtered to a stop. I'm not sure if she realized what she was saying.

And yes, my brother is the "favorite." So. Should I be offended? x(

[Shell Beau]

1. Don't be offened.

Maybe she wasn't thinking. Maybe she is proud to have two awesome writers.

[MorningGlow]

2. Well

I know she's proud of at least one. :(

[I Have A Dream]

3. MG, does your brother live in the same area?

If not, that may be why. People tend to take the people around them more for granted.

If he does live close by as well, I can't say. My mother has done similar things in reference to me and my very beautiful sisters. I'm not unattractive, but they're gorgeous. She seems to live a bit vicariously through them.

I'm sorry that you were hurt. I can empathize... :hug:

[MorningGlow]

4. Nope--he's on the other coast

Although we visit him and his family every summer and they come back east every other year or so, I agree that that's a factor. And we're an Italian family, so there's the whole "first-born son is god" thing going on.

Sorry you have to deal with stuff like that too. It do suck sometimes, that it do. Thanks for the :hug: and here's another :hug:

[Tuesday Afternoon]

5. that sucked

:hug:

[MorningGlow]

6. It did

Thanks for the :hug:--back atcha, TA :hug:

[MissMillie]

7. Be the bigger person

and overlook your mother's obvious bias.

[MorningGlow]

8. Oh, I would never say anything to her about it

She doesn't even realize she's doing it.

It just...stings...whenever it happens. Sigh. You'd think I'd be used to it after 40+ years, right? :eyes:

[MissMillie]

22. that's why you have to forgive her

it's not intentional. She doesn't do it with the express intent of hurting you.

[JitterbugPerfume]

9. she is your mom

take a deep breath and forgive her

My dad worshipped my sister and it caused me to act out in ways that I shouldn't have when I was young.

When daddy was an old old man , I found out some things that explained the reasons fot it.

I love my sister and the memory of my dad unconditionally now , and it feels good to have the past where it belongs

[MorningGlow]

13. *Sigh* I do it all the time

This time should end up no different, eventually.

Glad you found out the underlying reasons for your family dynamics, JP. I pretty much know mine already, but every once in a while a callous comment strikes pretty deep.

[JitterbugPerfume]

23. I know MorningGlow

I am covered with scars from cruel words.

You are worth more than your moms cruel words --don't ever forget that!:hug:

The fault is in her , Not you

[Critters2]

20. My dad felt the same way about my sister growing up,

but now she can't seem to give him the time of day. He had originally made her power of attorney and executor of his will. Until she wouldn't drive the two hours to help him get to the hospital for a procedure last fall. When I came and spent the whole week, he changed all the paper work, and now often makes a point of thanking me for being dependable.

I fight the temptation to point out that her attitude is a direct result of having been spoiled rotten by him. No point in that now. But still...

[datasuspect]

10. be offended first, don't ask questions

it's the DU way.

[MorningGlow]

14. Okay, that was helpful

:eyes:

[woo me with science]

11. She didn't say anything bad about you....

and maybe she just thinks it is a given that you are a good writer, if you are a professional.

Try not to turn something nice into something bitter....your mom said some wonderful things about your sister. Do you love them both, and can you be happy that your mom has these positive feelings and wanted to share them? Probably she was trying to share this moment with you, not hurt you.

[MorningGlow]

16. I don't know what she thinks of my profession, actually.

I've stopped giving her copies of my articles, because when she does read them, she can only say, "Well...I don't get it..." After a few of those shots across my bow, I figure it's better not to try to elicit praise from her specifically--I get it elsewhere. So it's just hurtful when she gushes over one article my brother wrote but she can't bring herself to even try to understand my work (and my stuff doesn't exactly rival T.S. Eliot's or anything, if you know what I mean).

[woo me with science]

27. You can take or leave this, but

please believe that it is offered gently. I would ask myself, if I were you, why you feel a compliment to your brother must be accompanied by a compliment to you?

Maybe she is prouder of you than you think, but it just never occurred to her that you would be hurt if she did not praise you in this particular conversation, too. Or maybe she is telling the truth and truly just doesn't "get" what you write about. Even if that is true, does it signify that she doesn't love you? Does it mean she has screwed up as a mother by not having the exact same feelings about your writing that she has about your brother's? Would you rather she fake it, like a third grader's mother gushing over a finger painting?

What I am trying to say is that she is a human being, who was just saying something nice about your brother. She may not understand what you write, but she hasn't attacked you. She hasn't tried to hurt you. You are upset because of what she didn't say, or what she didn't feel, or what didn't occur to her, about your writing. That isn't fair.

I think there is something in our culture that makes terrible and unrealistic demands of mothers to feel and respond exactly equally and perfectly to each child at all times, in a way that no human being ever could. And it teaches children to look for and nurture resentments when all these unrealistic demands aren't met. My guess is that she loves and "gets" things about both of you. They just may not be the same things.

It kills me to see adults creating and simmering and nurturing resentments where no hurt was intended. Gently, I think you are being unfair to your mom, and I think you cause needless pain to both of you by allowing yourself to nurture resentment over this. Your mother is probably absolutely clueless about what she did that was wrong. She probably felt she was sharing a happy moment with her daughter. I seriously doubt that she meant to hurt you.

[MorningGlow]

28. Mm I don't think I was very clear in my OP

I wasn't looking for praise in that particular conversation at all. I realize that she was just saying something nice about my brother and wanted me to be proud too--and I am proud of him. No, she didn't intent to hurt me with her comment, but it was a thoughtless thing to say, because I'm a professional writer. But she doesn't compliment me on anything I write. Ever. Even though that's my art--what I'm best at, what I'm most proud of. Yet she was impressed by and gushed over the one article my brother wrote 35 years ago. It would be like if she completely ignored all my brother's cases that he brought to trial but gushed to him that I won in small claims court--ONCE. It's skewed. Does that make any sense?

Of course this is difficult to explain without going into the whole family dynamic. As I posted elsewhere in this thread, my brother is the first-born son in an Italian family; therefore he is perfect and can do no wrong. In addition, he's more traditional than I am--sensible family man, mows the lawn every weekend, good provider, good investor, with a profession that makes sense to her. I, on the other hand...black sheep, artsy fartsy (my strengths are writing, acting, and singing), lousy investor, always broke, house perpetually undergoing renovation, etc. I don't "make sense" to her. So this incident didn't occur in a vacuum--it was another example of how "perfect" my brother is and how much I am "not".

Am I being childish in complaining that she's favoring my brother, especially by giving him more credit when it comes to "my" thing? YES, I acknowledge that. But family issues run deep for everyone; this one happens to be my bugaboo.

That probably wasn't even enough to clarify it all, but it'll have to do, or this post will be as long as War and Peace. Just know that I wasn't LOOKING for something to irritate me. In fact, her comment blindsided me and it took me a while to get over the shock and figure out why I was suddenly cut to the quick.

[lizziegrace]

12. I've found out from my sisters

that mom talks all about the ones who aren't in the room. I get to hear how wonderful my sister's and their kid's lives are, and apparently, she occasionally says something nice about me to them. :wow:

[MorningGlow]

17. That's nice!

I'd like to think she says nice things about me once in a while too. Don't you think it would be nice to hear them ourselves, sometimes? :)

[lizziegrace]

19. Absolutely!

But with my mother, it's not going to happen. She's just not like that. Visits with her are difficult. She doesn't like my house, my decorating, my weight, my - well, anything... Then she feels guilty and will come back with a sweater or something from the store. My parents had some of the most dysfunctional childhoods imaginable. I'm lucky they're as "normal" as they are I guess. :(

[JitterbugPerfume]

24. we always said that moms favorite

was the one she was with . She was an equal opportunity mom

[MorningGlow]

26. With my mom, it's the opposite

Her favorite is always the one who's not around. So I suspect that she might actually be complimenting me when she talks with my brother. Can't prove it, of course, but I'd like to at least think that's what happens. Otherwise I'd :nuke:

[davsand]

15. First off, you are the FEMALE child.

It is EXPECTED that you will excel in language oriented things. Second, my guess is that if he's a lawyer she may be looking for nice stuff to say about him...

...After all, the running joke at my house is my mom needed to have had one more kid to have had a "trifecta." My brother is a lawyer, I'm a property tax geek, and all she needs to be completely unpopular at the SR Citizen's Club is a third kid selling used cars.

:evilgrin:


In truth, I do see how it would cut you to have your mom do that. I think there is some sort of perpetual competition thing that moms from that era have about pushing their kids and playing them off each other.

When my brother drafted legislation that was later adopted as law unchanged from his original version--that was a big deal with our mom and I heard all about it. Now, I have some legal research that has made its way thru the courts and is going to be heard by the IL Supreme Court later this year and she was rubbing his nose in THAT the last time I was over there.

In both cases, it was us doing what we get paid to do, but it made an impact on her and she's proud of us. I suspect your brother hears a fair amount about what you do, too.

In any event, I'm sorry you feel hurt by your mom. FWIW, I think you rock.

:hug:


Laura

[MorningGlow]

18. Thanks, Laura

Your post made me :cry:

She doesn't "get" what I do. I don't think she ever got over the fact that I left the teaching profession, and that was more than 15 years ago! She's "old school"--grew up during the Depression--so she's all about practical professions. Being a trial attorney is MAJOR. Being a teacher made sense. Being a writer...that's...:wtf: Freaky. Yeah, I'm the black sheep of the family! :evilgrin: (When I was majoring in English in college, she kept forcing me to take temp secretarial jobs during the summer breaks, so I'd have something sensible to "fall back on".)

It's great that you both got equal time for your achievements. Excellent! :hug:

[Critters2]

21. I'm sorry. I think I'd be offended, but I wouldn't say anything or act on it.

I'd just go on a slow simmer of irritation. I'm sorry she was so inconsiderate of you. :hug:

[MorningGlow]

25. Heh me too--I am a master of the slow burn!

Funny, I always think that my emotions are always on the surface, but friends and loved ones have told me that I'm very hard to read and usually appear stoic. Comes in handy at times like these, at least--my mom had no idea how pissed off I was.

Thanks for the :hug: critters. One for you too: :hug:

[MajorChode]

29. It's possible you misinterpreted what she was saying

If you are a professional writer, it is expected that you will have things published as part of your career.

Consider this hypothetical situation. Let's say you were wrongly accused of speeding on your way to work and you went to court and successfully argued your way out of the fine. Then your mom bragged to your brother about your accomplishment. Do you think your brother would think, "gee mom, I successfully argue in front of a judge all the time."

I don't know you or your family and I won't pretend to know your situation, so your mom's intent may have been exactly what you say. I'm just pointing out that it could have been perfectly innocent also and your mom was bringing something up about your brother that she thought you could identify with.

Good communications is the key to all successful family relationships. If you have issues with your mom and your brother, bring them up and talk about them.

[Oeditpus Rex]

30. In all my time as a newspaper reporter and editor

the only time either of my folks had anything to say about something I'd written was when I wrote a column in college about the U.S. boycott of the 1980 Olympics and referred to "Jimmy Carter." My mom told me I should call him "President Carter."

That was the only comment they ever made. I think they just didn't consider writing very important. Or, they didn't consider me very important.

So, yeah — I feel your pain. :hug:

[MorningGlow]

33. Really?!

Day-um. What is UP with that? Hm, perhaps I have an idea, at least in my situation: My grandparents were all immigrants--straight off the boat from Sicily, through Ellis Island, the whole thing. My dad's dad was a Pennsylvania coal miner. My mom's dad was a tailor. When I was little, my mom's dad used to sit me on his knee and say in his heavily accented pidgin English, "(MG), you be one of-a two t'ings: o doctor, o lawyer." (In Italian, "either/or" is "o (first thing), o (second thing).") They wanted better for us; they wanted us to be professionals.

My brother became a lawyer without hesitation. I don't understand the law worth a damn, so that wasn't for me, and I'm not good with the sight of blood or bodily functions, so being a doctor was right out. I tried being a teacher (quite acceptable to the family), but I didn't like it. And apparently a writer wasn't one of those acceptable professions.

My strongest talents: writing, acting, costuming, and singing. All useless. It's been downhill ever since.
:rofl:

I have to say while it's somewhat heartening to hear the same from another writer/editor, it's still so wrong. I am so sorry to hear that, Oedi. You deserve so much better. :hug:

[Deep13]

31. I dunno. ARE you offended?

I don't think there is any "should" about it. Either you are or you are not.

[MorningGlow]

34. My question was more of whether my feelings are justified

What did I feel yesterday? I felt surprised. Hurt. Stung. And yes, offended. But most of all hurt. Not for the first time, and, I'm sorry to say, most likely not the last, either. :(

[Deep13]

36. Sure it was justified.

To be honest, I don't think one has to justify feelings. They just happen. With all due respect to those who have already expressed the contrary opinion, I reject the idea that there is any virtue in suffering in silence. My own suggestion is to calmly and respectfully explain what it is that she does and how it makes you feel.

[MorningGlow]

38. I guess it's all about whether I really want to "go there"

I really don't think my mother said what she said with the intent to hurt me. And she believes that she treats me and my brother equally. She doesn't know how these comments affect me. So if I were to bring it up, it could get messy. My mom isn't a person who likes to talk about feelings and crap ;) --and she'd get pretty defensive if I tried to explain how her comment made me feel. So...do I want to go there? I am not really sure...

[Deep13]

39. Well, that's up to you, of course.

Does unintentionally poking you with a sharp stick hurt less than the likely defensive response? Only you can know that. Either way, I wish you well.

[MorningGlow]

40. Thank you, Deep13

You make good points. :hug:

[Deep13]

41. anytime

:hi:

[Sanity Claws]

32. No

Be grateful that your mom says nice things about people behind their back. She may be doing the same about you.

My dad is the type who is always saying nasty things about people, including my two brothers, behind their backs. It makes me feel unsafe telling him anything because all he is going to do is talk behind my back about it.

[MorningGlow]

35. I'm sorry to hear that, SC

You're right--that is a worse situation. And although my brother is a "clear favorite" in the family, my mother might be complimenting me to others. I'd like to think so, but I'll never know for sure, I suspect.

[rucky]

37. It's worth a lip-smack, an eyeroll, and a "mommmmm"