"In The Dark" --tonight's poem from the open mic

[CaliforniaPeggy]

I am crawling in the dark
With my thoughts tumbling
Round me
This hard sloping earth
Pulls me down

Where is the light?
My hands bleed as I crawl
My knees are torn
Cobwebs wrap across my face
Tangle my hair

My heart bangs in my chest
For my light is out, vanished, disappeared.

The darkness blinds me
My vision’s gone
The truth eludes me
My compass awry

I don’t know where I’m going
But I can’t stand still
In motion is safety
But this is hardscrabble earth
And I’m lost.



© MLC

[bluesbassman]

1. Aw gee, thanks a lot Peg!

No I have to go to bed with the lights on! :rofl:

Very cool. Feel like I'm right there in the tunnel. :thumbsup:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

2. My dear bluesbassman!

Aw, sweetie, I'm sorry!

I read it to my husband, and although he liked it, he kind of looked at me like where is this dark stuff coming from?

I'm really a happy person...I think!

Glad you liked it!

Thank you, sweetie...

:hug:

[Wetzelbill]

3. This is very good

For an exercise or maybe if you reedit you could try getting rid of prepositions and/or prepositional phrases. It might help with cadence. Not all of them but maybe some.

For example:

"I am crawling in the dark" could be; "I'm crawling."

or:

"Cobwebs wrap around my face" could be: "Cobwebs wrap."

And you could adjust when and were you use them throughout the poem and give it a different cadence etc.

All in all, very nice. It certainly projects the mood well.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

7. My dear Wetzelbill...

I really appreciate your remarks! I put those prepositions in just for the purposes of cadence. When I read it out loud, I find those phrases help me get my thoughts across.

They make it easier for me to speak; they make my speaking crisper.

But I'm glad you enjoyed it!

Thank you so much.

[nuxvomica]

4. You've captured the contemporary Republican zeitgeist

I almost pity them now. That is what you were going for, right? Kidding aside, that's a delicious little poem. :thumbsup:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

8. My dear nuxvomica!

Hehehe!

Actually, this wasn't intended as a political poem, but hey, whatever you see in it is what makes it work for you!

Thanks for your comments!

:D

[seaker]

5. Oh Miss Peg,

Haven't we all been there? You captured it!
Bless you for articulating so vividly.:loveya:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

9. My dear seaker!

I expect we all have been there, indeed!

Thank you so much, sweetie...:hug:

[Bossy Monkey]

6. I like it.

I don't know why I'm thrown off by "My compass awry." Maybe throws the rhythm off a trifle, I don't know. Haven't done scansion since-- well, let's just say a long time ago. But it also occurs to me that the poem is about fear and loss, and a wonky compass might more induce confusion or frustration. Maybe "My compass is gone" would be more definitive and introduce the idea of loss that you then end the poem with.

Conversely, "The darkness blinds me/My vision's gone" is a little too definitive. If you're in the dark, you fear that you've gone blind, but you don't know it. "Darkness steals my sight/Can I still see?" scans lousy (or as Bill would have it, has poor cadence) but conveys the idea I'm trying to get across. Sorry I can't do better, my poetic license was revoked.:)

Regardless, otherwise terrific, and the stuff I queried is fine, too; just sharing what jumped out at me.:toast:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

10. My dear Bossy Monkey...

Yeah, I had trouble with "my compass awry" too. I just could not figure out how to make that work better, but I liked the idea so much that I left it in. But if you read it out loud, it seems to work better somehow than if you just read it silently.

And then sometimes I am waaaay too concrete, as in the phrase "the darkness blinds me/my vision's gone." I dunno; I'm still learning this stuff!

I really do appreciate your taking the time to point out what jumps out at you. Although I love being praised, real growth happens when you hear about what didn't work too well.

But still, I'm glad you enjoyed it, of course!

Thank you...

:pals:

[NanceGreggs]

11. Again you have captured perfectly ...

... a moment in emotional time, when darkness prevails and even a flicker of hope cannot be discerned within one's own soul.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

12. My dear Nance...

Thank you, from the pupil to the mistress...

:hug:

[REDKING]

13. Hiya.....

Glad to see your still writing.Hope everthing is good with you and yours.
Back on line at last,speak to you soon no doubt......Peace Rk:+

[CaliforniaPeggy]

14. My dear Rory...

I am glad to see you!

And oh yes, I am still writing...

Won't ever stop doing that...

All is well with me and mine, thank you...and I hope the same for you...

Peace to you too, sweetie...

:hug:

[graywarrior]

15. Geeze, CP...didn't know you were that dark.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

16. My dear graywarrior!

I don't think I really am, actually...

I just transmit the stuff. I have no idea where it's coming from...:shrug:

[graywarrior]

17. Spending time in GD