I hate being divorced

[backtoblue]

I hated being married worse, but being divorced makes me feel like some kind of old, useless maid. It's like I've got "strike one" already and I'm not even 30!!! I don't miss my ex - he was a hypocritical asshole who wanted me to be stuck up his ass 24/7. (ewww) Plus he pretended to be a democrat until after we were married, then expressed that a woman should be submissive to her husband. What the Fuck??? Needless to say I am now divorced and I might as well have a big as "D" tattooed on my forehead.

So is there anyone out there who is married and truly happy?? I do not know how to be a good little wife, nor do I think I want to be...

:rant:

[no name no slogan]

1. Many people have more than one marriage these days

I had one that lasted for nine years, and ended when I was 35. That was four years ago now.

My mother has had two marriages. Both ended in divorce.

Divorce is no big deal. In fact, I prefer to date divorced women, because it shows that they are not afraid of commitment, yet they are not unreasonable and are not afraid to call it off if it's not right.

I am currently dating a woman with whom I see a lot of long-term potential. She is also divorced, and is the mother to three wonderful teenagers (I know, it's an oxymoron). She runs her own business, and takes care of her house in every respect-- which is one of the main reasons I'm attracted to her. She's strong, and perfectly capable of taking care of herself, without a man. She's outspoken, opinionated, and not afraid to speak her mind. Which is something I find incredibly sexy.

Not all men want Suzie Homemaker. In fact, most of us probably don't.

[backtoblue]

4. encouraging

Sometimes I feel as if I am independent to a fault. I do not like being told what to do or what not to do. I have my own home and it's difficult to share my "space" with someone else. I think the solution would be to build a house right next to mine with a canopied walkway.

[no name no slogan]

15. You've just described my perfect living arrangement :)

I was an only child in a single-parent household, and I NEED my own space. If I don't have it, somewhere, I literally go crazy. If I ever do live with someone again, I would need a room of my own, where I could go and be alone and not be bothered.

I do like living alone for the most part, and I know it would take some adjustment to share a house/condo/lean-to with someone, but I think I could do it again. Especially now that I know what NOT to do :evilgrin:

[mokawanis]

22. 28 years this August

I'm quite amazed she continues to put up with me. She's more attractive then me, smarter, and makes more money than I do. I'm sticking with her for another 28 years.

[BurtWorm]

2. You're better off.

Not that marriage per se is bad, but marriage to a hypocritical asshole is not worth it. Don't sweat being divorced. Be glad you're free. You're free! Enjoy that if you can.

[Shell Beau]

3. You are among MANY who are divorced.

Not every relationship is forever.

I am one of those happily married though. I am a good wife, not a good little wife.

[backtoblue]

5. well, it's nice to know people CAN make it work

I think you should get a certificate of accomplishment for each consecutive year of marriage.

It's a double-edged sword - I want to fall head over heals, but I don't want to feel trapped.

[Shell Beau]

7. I think if you are with the right person, you won't feel "trapped".

Good luck. It is also good to just be alone sometimes I think. Have fun, you know?

[no name no slogan]

9. Wise words, Shel

You only feel trapped if you feel a need to get out. If you don't feel that need, you won't feel trapped.

And there's nothing wrong with wanting to be alone once in awhile. I was an only child in a single parent household, and I need to be alone sometimes, just to regain my sanity. :)

[TZ]

6. Ha. I'm almost 40 and never been married

Trust me, I'll get more of the what the fuck is wrong with her attitude/old maid thingy than you will...

[no name no slogan]

8. When you keep chasing gentleman suitors of your lawn, that will happen

:hug:

[MissMillie]

44. same boat

and I'm nearly 45.

The good news is that there's absolutely nothing wrong w/ us. It's just slim-pick'ns out there.

[Gormy Cuss]

54. WTF is wrong with you?

:+

[TZ]

56. I almost punched my younger sister about 7 or 8 years ago

when she was pissing and moaning about being an "old maid" and unmarried at 30...She has since gotten married...:eyes:

[Gormy Cuss]

58. Seriously, what's wrong with being an "old maid" anyway? n/t

[SacredCow]

10. Personally, I LOVE being divorced!!!

I don't regret the marriage, per se- as it taught me a valuable lesson: SacredCow was NOT meant to be married!

So now I live my life as a gay man, and as it would happen- I couldn't get married if I wanted to! I think that sucks, but fortunately it works for me.

[Inchworm]

11. One of the happiest days of my life..

was when that hell was over and I was free.

:hi:

[backtoblue]

13. I don't regret the divorce at all, it just sucks to be a "divorcee"

It's like I tried it, I didn't like it, I failed at trying to like it, and now I'm old and wasting away. (withering quietly back into the world...):yoiks:

[mnhtnbb]

12. I was divorced at 28 after 7 years of marriage. Ease up on yourself.

Life is a journey. I remarried at 34--24 years ago. Marriage isn't all roses but it needs to be your choice to consider needs of someone else along with your own.

There are moments of true happiness in marriage, moments of great sadness and pain, and if you're lucky
many years of contentment.

:hug:

[Arkansas Granny]

14. I divorced at 30 and never remarried. I really don't have any regrets about

it now, although when I was younger it bothered me somewhat. Now I'm in my 60's and don't really feel that I've missed anything by not remarrying.

[backtoblue]

16. I haven't missed much, I was only married for a year...

Thank goodness it didn't last longer. I just don't like how it feels being divorced, like I failed at something. I do have a beautiful child that I get to spend more time with and I don't think I'll ever remarry - at least until after my child is grown anyways. :hi:

[HopeHoops]

17. I'm coming up on 22 years happily married and 24 1/2 together!

I got lucky, or so it seems. She's my best friend.

[backtoblue]

19. you are my idol..

Congrats!!! So love does exist, yet it's illusive to me.

[HopeHoops]

21. I got lucky.

I STILL don't know why the hell she likes ME!

[madrchsod]

18. second one was the charm....30+ years

you`ll find some one....if i did so can you :rofl:

[rug]

20. The Lounge requires more information on this: 'asshole who wanted me to be stuck up his ass 24/7'

[latebloomer]

23. Don't sweat it

I didn't get married till I was 38, and that was a GOOD thing- if I'd chosen any of the troubled lads I was with earlier, it would have been disastrous. I had a penchant for "bad boys", and that rarely works out well. :D

What helped me was a couple of years of therapy, to understand why I kept choosing the wrong guy, and to change the pattern.

I've been married for 18 years to a kind, available, brilliant, funny, supportive guy, with just enough of the "bad boy" in him to keep things interesting. I'm definitely not a "good little wife", not would he want me to be.

Thirty is not old, and you will find someone else. But next time you have to go in with your eyes wide open.

[Bucky]

24. There is no such thing as "an old useless maid".

There are only maids who are not being adequately supervised.

PS, you sound like a female me about 15 years ago. If you're not 30 yet, you're in for a real treat in the next few years. Some time around 30 you'll start worrying a LOT less about how other people judge you and you finally find out who your life long friends are and you start having totally awesomer sex.

Thirty is about when it starts. Everything before 30 is just practice. It sounds like you went thru a tough lesson--but very soon you'll see why you went through it and you'll even be grateful for the worst of it. Trust me, it's only gonna get better.

[Dem2theMax]

25. "I do not know how to be a good little wife, nor do I think I want to be..."

There you go. Maybe you don't want to be married? Or you don't want to 'play the game?'

After years of having everyone in my family EXPECT me to get married, I finally realized I didn't want to get married, ever. I had been engaged twice and twice I was able to escape. LOL. I am SO glad I did. I am not cut out for marriage.
I'm the female who looks at marriage as a ball and chain attached to ME.

Don't look at your divorce and your worth as person as the same thing. They have nothing to do with each other.
You don't have a strike against you. You have a 'save.' You got out of something that was not healthy for you.
Instead of feeling bad about it, pat yourself on the back. See this as a whole new life, a whole new chance for yourself.

Spend some time getting to know YOU. That's what I did, and it paid off for me in getting me to see what I really wanted for my life.
Sure, there are happy, married people out there. And there are happy, single people out there.

Right now you are single. Find the things in life that make you happy WITHOUT a partner.

You never know what is going to happen in the future. Just take care of you in the present. :hug:

(Edited to add that I am 52, and the last thing I feel is that I am old and rotting away. Every year, I feel stronger, wiser, more able to deal with what life throws my way. And life has had a way of throwing some pretty rotten stuff my way. LOL?)

[MrPerson]

26. I'm sure there are people who are married and happy.

There may really not be that many happy people.

[applegrove]

27. I'd get out there and date if I was you. They say you need to date about 10 people before you know

who is the right type of person for you. So get out there and play. Your hubby sounds like a complete asshole. You need to put good, better experiences between you and him. No wonder you wouldn't want to be married again. You were abused emotionally at least. Go for nice guys.

[BarenakedLady]

28. I'm hoping to love being divorced

And I'm 40.

:shrug:

[madeline_con]

29. Yes, I'm married and truly happy.

I've been married twice before. First divorce at 21. Second at 26.

I have been with my sweet husband for 16 years now, and we're very much in love. :loveya:

Don't despair. Not everyone should be married. That's not a bad thing. :hi:

[AwakeAtLast]

30. If you're not 30, your best days are AHEAD of you

I divorced #1 at 27, then found #2 at 29 and married him at 30. We've been married almost nine years. We've had our ups and downs as all marriages do, but we are doing well!

Go out, have fun, and think about yourself and only yourself (O.K, within reason :) ) Lather, rinse, repeat.

Be the person you are and that person will find you!

:pals:

[Pale Blue Dot]

31. I found my 2nd wife here on DU.

And she is a good little woman who does whatever I ask. And I really hope she never sees this post. :-)

[SarahB]

48. I see it, ya bastard!

:loveya:

[Orsino]

32. Married and truly happy.

My wife and I were both divorced--or "pre-owned," as we like to call it--when we met.

I know what you mean, I think. I didn't want to be just another divorced motherfucker, either. It seems to me, though, that that status (divorced, that is, rather than motherfucker) shouldn't be seen as a mark of shame, or any sort of failure. It's just an evolution many of us go through, and a single, lifelong marriage isn't necessarily complete success. George and Laura Bush can claim that much, for cryin' out loud.

Enjoy your freedom to form relationships based on truth. :toast:

[mike_c]

33. divorced and loving it....

I love being single. I have a GF-- someone who means a great deal to me-- but I can't IMAGINE ever getting married again. Sorry it's not working out for you. :hug:

[Nevernose]

34. A woman SHOULD be submissive to her huband

At least until she says the safe word -- after that, it's her turn and all's fair! :evilgrin:

And on a more serious note, I promise you that there are a lot of decent men out there who don't want a "good little wife." Now, if you think you're just better off flying solo and don't want a partner at all, well, what's wrong with that?

I've been a single father for quite a while now, and while I do miss out on a lot of couples-type things and I'm poor all the time, I am the master of my own destiny: I don't answer to nobody for nothin' (except my boss and my kid). And besides that, our culture puts this weird value on marriage -- even gay marriage -- as if the only way someone can ever be happy is if they're sexually, legally, and fiscally bound to the same person for life. Marriage is nice if you've got one that works, but if you don't? Life's still pretty darn good.

[The Straight Story]

35. I was and was truly happy. But I can't fight against some things

The disease she had finally took her from me - not physically, but mentally. She needed someone to represent her illness, and no matter how much I fought for her, I became the one thing she could attack - because she could not attack it.

Her life is much worse right now (her water was shut off today, and I helped her out), and I have had her hold me a few nights not long ago and tell me she knows I loved her and she loved me.

I am single now, alone, and wanting something more than this nothingness I feel. caught between two worlds in some ways. Move on, or stay here where I am across the street from her and help her out as I am doing now.

And in the middle of it all is my little girl.

I was truly happy, truly in love. But in the end, it mattered not.

[backtoblue]

39. That sounds tragic...

I'm so very sorry for what you and your family are going through. I have never loved someone wholey and to that depth. You are special.

J.

[mainegreen]

41. Ung. Your story was not a pretty one to watch unfold.

like watching a freight train approaching a stuck person.

No one should have to go through that.

[mtowngman]

36. Very happy the second time around.

and my wife is not a "good little wife" nor would I want her to be.

We were both 40 when we met. 42 when we married.

You're still young. Enjoy it. Any kids?

[MissMarple]

37. Oh, sweetheart, big, big hug.

:hug:

Marriage is two people coming together in like a mini committee. It varies. A LOT. Talk to a counselor and figure out how to avoid this in future. It may help. Also, there are sessions and questionnaires for prospective married couples to see how compatible they are. I suppose they can help. But a forensics session may help, as well. Insight is all...and illusive. Good luck. There are a lot of great guys out there, and a lot of assholes. Too sad. What a waste.

Oh, and protect your finances. :hug:

[backtoblue]

40. Thanks MissMarple

I don't think I am going to take that kind of a risk again. If it makes me feel old to be divorced at 29, I don't want to go through it again when I'm 70. :hug:

[MissMarple]

51. For where you are now...that is more than fair enough.

:hug:

[NMDemDist2]

38. third time was a charm for me

I had TWO divorces under my belt by 35, but now have been very happily married for 16 years.

he's my best friend, my lover and he makes me laugh every day. and we do share the load. he picks up extra if I'm a mess, and I return the favor when he's life is hectic

you'll get there

:pals:

[cherish44]

42. I'm divorced and I have no desire to get married again

I'm not saying I'll never be in a committed relationship again but I have no desire say I do again. I'll probably just shack up from here on out...

[backtoblue]

43. I think it's the "shacking up" that didn't work for me

He came into my bubble and outstayed his welcome. When he left, my bubble was busted and I am now a divorcee. (It should be WAY more extensive and tumultuous to get married than it is to get a divorce)

[MissMillie]

45. "good wife"

only you get to define what that is.

And then you get to choose someone to live with who is willing to accept your definition.

[JNelson6563]

46. I'm 45, divorce last June.

I think I am slightly less unhappy than when I was married. I'm not sure if I ever want to do the relationship thing again tho'.

Good luck to you.

Julie

[ThatsMyBarack]

47. I have ZERO marriages!

There's no way I'd make a "good little wife" for any guy. ;)

[Midlodemocrat]

49. We'll be married 20 years in September.

We have our ups and downs, ebbs and flows, but I love him. And, most of the time, he loves me.

:P

[crim son]

50. I hate being divorced too, for the same reason except

I'm almost 46. While I get endless offers of "friends with benefits" nobody actually wants to date me (unless they're married). I'm going to be alone forever. Having said that, my kids are far better off now that I live apart from their dad, so I try to remember that while weeping into my soup on lonely weekends nights.

[backtoblue]

52. :toasts a wine glass:

Here's to the quiet melancholy of the divorced woman
To the silent echo of our hardened hearts
And to the blissful sound of our children's laughter once the storm has passed!
:toast:

[SPKrazy]

53. I'm divorced too, and it has made some things much better

and other things it has made difficult. Like people that used to talk to me, only do so in almost forced situations where politeness is required, in public.

The good things are that I'm not feeling the pain I felt before, and I feel pretty good a lot of the time. I have my moments and I haven't had a lot of success with relationships...but I haven't been divorced even half a year...

Anyway, I don't think anyone is happy all the time and I think marriage is a lot of work for BOTH people. When neither work at it then it falls apart. It is work though and it takes that, I envy some who have what seems like happy marriages. I loathe people who I know are not what they seem to be (because I know them) and they act like there is something wrong with me when they've been married several times.

:shrug:

:hi:

[RebelOne]

55. I have been divorced since I was 25.

I am now 70 and couldn't be happier. I had many relationships and came close to marrying, but decided that married life was not for me.

[backtoblue]

57. I don't think I'm cut out for it, either.

Life is less complicated the fewer people that you have in your immediate vicinity.

I had my own home before I got hitched (thank goodness), so it's wasn't a disastrous divorce from a financial standpoint. I suppose I should relish regaining my independence instead of feeling like a failure and whining about it.

Congrats on finding happiness within yourself. That is my new mission. :hi:

[RebelOne]

61. Believe me, you will find happiness.

First step is to get a dog. I much prefer my dogs than a man at my age.

[Sequoia]

59. Please, DO NOT feel like a useless old maid.

This is not 1910 or 1955. You did the right thing getting out of an unhappy marriage and I'll bet plenty of men would like to be with you. You still young and healthy. Submissive...ha! I was single for years and years and had guys tell me something must be "wrong" with me because I "wasn't married and didn't have a child." I wasn't about to be miss submissive like the Southern Baptist/fundie religion dictated HELL F'ING NO WAY !!!! I dated my husband many years before we got hitched. I finally had a kid at 40. Now she tells me how all her school chums' grandparents are my age !! Ha...I love it.

So to you I saw good riddance to bad rubbish. Go on a trip to a Tahiti with friends. Take the Amtrack across the USA. Now here's some songs to cheer you up:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8GVE7lRZuFM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=moOamKxW844

[backtoblue]

64. love the links!

Thank you and cheers! I'm unable to travel far at the moment, but going on a weekend kayaking excursion might just do the trick!!

[Sequoia]

65. Yes, keep busy.

That reminds me of a funny story: My brother was at Pauly Island (SC) and was floundering (going in circles) in a kayak (undertows and such) while on shore a wedding (sorry, taboo subject maybe) was being taped. One of the wedding party members asked him to leave because they didn't want him in their video splashing around. He finally was able to get to shore all panting and wet behind the wedding party.

Have fun and keep on truckin' !

[backtoblue]

66. That's funny!

I can't imagine just how panicked he must've felt. One, it's stressful to be caught in a swirl anyways and two, he had to get out of it with all of those people were watching him!

That makes me laugh. Thank you!

[Throd]

60. It can happen. I am happily married.

As in life, it has ups and downs, but I'm madly in love with my wife and can't imagine life without her. I hope you find a guy who respects you and brings you happiness.

[livetohike]

62. Married for 34 years this past March

Has it all been perfect? No. But there isn't anyone else I would rather hike or canoe with :-).

When we hit rough patches, we just think about the good times we've had and try to enjoy the things that brought us together in the first place. We had our first date on Derby Day 1973 so tomorrow is an anniversary of sorts.

Hang in there :hug:.

[Blue Diadem]

63. We just celebrated our 35th anniversary.

There have been highs and lows, IMO, no marriage, relationship or friendship is perfect. I just know there is no one else I'd rather be with in my golden years. The other day we talked about what it will feel like on our 50th, when I'll be 68 and he'll be 70.

And there is nothing wrong with being divorced. Don't be so hard on yourself. Our daughter divorced in her mid 20's. She has dated some but has said she really has no interest in a relationship right now. At 32, she's busy with work, taking college courses and raising her daughter and she still has to deal with her ex every few days due to their shared parenting agreement.