Serious question now.

[elshiva]

I mentioned this on another thread. I have a friend whose father completed suicide on her birthday (she was two years old at the time). She often thinks that there is nothing to celebrate. :( How do I help her celebrate? Her birthday is in September.

Thank you.

[barb162]

1. Since she can't possibly remember him, it's probably something

instilled by her family over the years. Bad memories of that date. If this friend is so accustomed to not celebrating her birthday, maybe just let it be. You know, just because everyone else does it doesn't make it right for her.

[elshiva]

2. I don't try to make a big deal out of it. I give her card and a

present. She is upset about it, though, because she has these kind of "visions" of her father a lot.

[Zavulon]

3. You pick another day and another reason.

Celebrate the anniversary of a graduation or something like that. There is nothing to be gained by pushing the birthday thing.

My sister died on my birthday. It was hers as well: she was one of those 21st birthday DUI casualties. We had the same birthday seven years apart, and she died on her 21st / my 28th. If I told you I didn't want to celebrate the day and you failed to simply drop it at that, I would be resentful and angry beyond words.

Seriously, drop it and move on. You have nothnig to gain and a friend to lose.

[elshiva]

5. Don't worry about it, honey. I am not pushing anything on her.

I just asked her when her birthday was and she told me. It's okay. She doesn't talk about it too often. It's a big thing in her life, but I figure that she is more than that, just like I am more than the way I look.

[Zavulon]

9. Just checking, because

people have been trying to force happiness and mirth on me since the first year of the Clinton administration, and very few of them can take a hint. If she goes through the same thing, show her other friends my post.

I'm more than just my sister's death 364 days out of 365, but on that one day I want and expect to be left the fuck alone. I'm not going to off myself, I'm not going to drink myself into a coma, I'm not going to do anything stupid at all, I just don't want to see other people.

[elshiva]

10. Yes, I understand about want to be left alone.

Everyone's different. There are some days when she cries until she can't open her eyes. Those days she just wants to be in bed and maybe her dog. I don't see her face to face anymore. I only chat with her on the internet a couple times a week. If she doesn't want to talk, she just doesn't answer my instant message. I don't call her or visit her or anything.

[elshiva]

6. DUPE. WEBSITE ISSUES.

[elshiva]

7. DUPE. WEBSITE ISSUES.

[NYC_SKP]

4. Esimate the date of her conception and celebrate that, maybe.

I'm sorry for your friend and her sadness.

:hug:

[elshiva]

8. Thanks. However, I am probably making too big a deal of this.

:hug:

[NYC_SKP]

11. If she was only two, and I assume she's at least 20 now,

... then she may have a problem facing that old trauma.

I have a friend who lost her 2 year old and seems like she will never, ever, get over it.

Not that you would ever get over it, but drinking a full bottle of wine alone every night is not healthy.

And, I feel, neither is not being able to celebrate your birthday.

On the other hand, I don't care much about my own birthday, so maybe you shouldn't worry too much about it.

:hi:

[elshiva]

12. My birthday is on a date of national infamy, so my family is keeps it lowkey.

However, I don't talk about that because her situation is much worse.
Thanks.