I need personal advice.

[carpetbagger]

I'm currently separated for a few months, and in the middle of divorce procedings (it's irrevocable and about 1/3 the way through). After getting myself settled in and getting my head together (it was easier than I thought, the oven timer on the divorce was going off for about 8 months before the final separation), I decide to go out and meet some people. I join a local group of about 100 people interested in the same stuff as me, not a singles group, but still a group of about 1/2 or more singles.

I've been to two get-togethers. I met a woman my age, and we talked to each other for a long period of time both times. I got one of those "soulmate" feelings, probably the fourth time in my life I've gotten that feeling (two of the three others weren't in settings where attraction was an issue). I am reasonably certain that she's interested in me on some level other than just her being a generally extroverted, warm person.

This was forseeable, but not the plan. I was hoping to first get the posse, then go after the girl.

Now, the problem here is that both of those meetings were in loud, public places where there just wasn't any appropriate opportunity to disclose my current situation, and I've gotten used to getting through the day not mentioning my soon-to-be ex-wife. We are meeting (not by any mutual agreement, we're just going to the same event) at a persons house next week. I feel obligated to talk to her at least briefly and explain where I'm at and where I'm going. How do I do this so as to reach the following goals:

1. Disclosure, which would be inappropriate too far down the line, even if she's not all that interested in me.
2. Sending the message that I'm interested in friendship (after all, that's why I joined this thing) as well as sending a message that I'm not disinterested in the possibility, now or later, of something more.
3. Navigating the thing so as not to mess up what really seems to be a golden long-term opportunity with this group of people.

So how do I do this? I want this person to know who and where I am, I don't want to send a message of disinterest, but nor do I want to make any pretentious and/or wrong assumptions.

Thanks for reading, and thanks for any advice you can give, even though I feel like I haven't expressed myself real well.

P.S. I live in a state where none of this matters in the divorce so long as I don't involve my kids in this.

[Bucky]

1. Sounds like you stilll need to do something on neutral ground, not in a date-like setting

That means coffee. Meeting for coffee is pre-dating. But your instincts are right that she needs to know what your situation is before going anywhere further in this.

I'll bet about $50 that it's only reboundy feelings you're having, though. Finding the right person within a year of being divorced is pretty unlikely. Finding the right person while you're still in the process is astronomically unlikely. You may believe you have your head straight, but it's just not a realistic expectation at this stage. What would be even worse is if she's the right person and you move too quickly before you yourself are ready.

So go very very slow. That's my caveat. I wish you well.

 

[carpetbagger]

3. Ok, there's my first good piece of advice.

Next week it's a book club, a nice, safe, neutral, book club.

If you ever need money, I'll take you up on your bet. My perception's a bit skewed because (1) my stepfather started dating my mother during his divorce (my dad died a few years prior), although they re-met at a high school reunion, and (2) I've actually felt much worse in other rebound situations earlier in life than I do now. I'm not doing all-nighters in grad school in a town I hate, and I'm a lot more confident, and have a better social network, than I did in my teens and 20s.

[noamnety]

2. I'd bring it up

in a way that doesn't make it directly about your relationship with this new person. Not: "I need to let you know I'm going through a divorce in case you're thinking of being in a relationship with me."

More like: "I'm so glad to see your smiling face, I had a rough day today, meeting with a divorce lawyer, ugh. Long story. Can I get you a drink?"

Or: call her up, hey are you bringing anything to so-and-so's house? I don't know if I should make something or pick something up, I'm really new to this single stuff." (which will invite questions if she wants to know.)

[carpetbagger]

4. And more good advice. Thanks.

That's the rub, how to casually bring it up. I haven't been given an opening yet, and the clock on when it would be rude, in my mind, runs out Tuesday.

I promised myself not to bitch about the divorce outside of a small circle. It keeps me in my right mindset with my kids, people at work (except for my four designated "personal bartenders" and a colleague who got his papers the same week), and keeps my head looking forward. I'm really new to the single stuff-angle has promise, though. Thanks.

Go get a cut of the money I'm going to owe Bucky.