Daughter In Laws, a question for you (and for the Men out there)

[Tuesday Afternoon]

Would you call your Mother In Law (age 73) to remind her to send her 51 y/o son (your husband) a birthday remembrance and if so, why?


also:

are you on good terms with your MIL and how far away do you live from each other?

after reading and thinking about Heidi's reply. Let me also ask:

If a card did not arrive on or before said Birthday, would you think less of your MIL?

sorry, this got complicated...but it is WWIII in my family because of the MIL "forgetting" the son's Bday.

Men: would you be upset if a card did not arrive from your Mother on or before your Bday?

[Heidi]

1. I adore my mother-in-law (age 74), and if I thought she were apt to forget CMW's birthday,

yes, I'd remind her, just as she would probably remind me if I were likely to forget the birthday of one of our goddaughters (her granddaughters). Why: it's a big family with lots of birthdays to remember. No biggie. :shrug:

Mornin', sunshine! :hug:

[Tuesday Afternoon]

2. ok, thanks.

:hi:

on edit: Don't you live next door to your MIL, iirc?

[Heidi]

4. Yes, we do.

But she's very cool. My sister-in-law (and her partner) and the girls live just across the street. :)

[Tuesday Afternoon]

3. kicking for the editing. thanks.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

5. My MIL passed away a couple of years ago.

I never had to remind her of her son's birthday, my birthday, or even MY Mother's birthday. She was religious about sending cards. I miss her so much. She was more of a mother to me the ten years I had the honor of knowing her than my mother was my whole life. I miss her everyday and when she died of lung cancer a year and a half ago, I felt like I had lost my right arm. She was such a precious, fun, wonderful mother, and I will miss her until I get to see her again.
Duckie

[Phentex]

21. That's how I feel about mine. She is still alive, though...

and she's wonderful. If she forgot anyone's birthday, it would mean she was in the hospital or something!

I'm sorry for your loss. I know I would feel the same if my MIL passed.

[Lisa D]

6. It depends

If it was important to my husband that his mother acknowledge his birthday, then I might say something like: "I know hubby would love to hear from you on his birthday next Saturday..."

However, if my MIL was prickly about that sort of reminder, I wouldn't say anything, because it's just not that big a deal.
My family is notorious for sending late cards/gifts, but no one minds. We say it builds anticipation :)
We've even missed bdays/anniversaries in our family, but again, not that big a deal. We're there for each other at a moment's notice, when it really counts.

If not recieving a Bday card or the card arriving late is causing WWII, then there are other issues here. What's really behind it?

To answer yout other questions:

Get along with MIL okay, don't see each other that often--live about 20 miles away

[Tuesday Afternoon]

86. What's really behind it? ... I am not sure...read on for insight and details.

thanks for replying btw.

[hippywife]

7. My MIL is a wonderful lady.

She's 82 now and was widowed about 4 years ago. Still very active and interested in things. She reads and paints, plays bridge with her friends, enjoys going to the theatre, is involved in a monthly dinner thing in her church community, belongs to a cooking group where they rotate having meals at each others homes. All kinds of things. Scoots around town in her little blue PT Cruiser. LOL

She does have nine children and I've lost track of how many grandchildren and a few greats. She keeps a list of all the birthdays at hand but has also become something of a procrastinator where cards are concerned, even at Christmas, so we've all come to expect that. However, she calls everyone of us and takes us out to lunch or dinner, with our spouses, on our birthdays.

She lives only about 20 miles from us and she has always been nothing but very loving, kind and considerate to me since I married into the family.

I lucked out totally where mothers-in-law are concerned.

:hi:

[Tuesday Afternoon]

10. does she always manage to take you out on the Very Day...

or no?

like maybe the weekend after....

thanks for replying.

:hi:

[hippywife]

11. No, she usually calls

just ahead of our birthdays to make arrangements for when we have time to go out and where we would like to go. She enjoys going out, too, so I suspect it's as much for her enjoyment as ours. Which is just fine.

She's a very liberal lady politically speaking and we get along very well from that standpoint. Out of nine kids, only one of my husband's sisters and her husband are liberal. The rest, well...she has been known to wonder aloud when they are around where she and my FIL went wrong in their upbringing. LOL

Cool lady all the way around, really.

You are very welcome, TA. :hi:

[MorningGlow]

8. My MIL is nice, but she never remembers any special occasion

In fact, she and I get along famously (when we do see each other, which is about once every two or three years) because we're both liberals, but Mr. MG and his sister are both conservatives. MIL often mourns this fact and wonders how that happened.

Anyway, I used to get irked that she never called or sent cards for Mr. MG's, MG Jr's, or my birthday. And then I realized that she just doesn't think about it. It's a family tradition apparently. They just don't communicate on a regular basis the way my family members do. So I had to adjust my thinking.

The way I see it, Mr. MG doesn't care, then it's none of my business (even though deep down I really don't approve of their family relations, because I was brought up differently--so it's conditioning more than anything else).

...Am I making any sense? :shrug:

[Tuesday Afternoon]

9. yes, very much. thanks.

:hug:

[Kaleva]

12. I wouldn't really care if i got a card or not.

I appreciate the ones I do get but it certainly is no big deal if I don't get any either.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

13. thank you for the male perspective.

:hi:

[Rosie1223]

14. Well, my MIL is certifiable

and my husband couldn't care less if he got birthday greetings from anyone.

In fact, the last birthday card my MIL sent to him was addressed to her dead husband. Freud would have a field day with that one. :crazy:

I'm sorry you are having difficulties with your MIL. Personally I wouldn't get upset over a late birthday card because I've had a lot worse to get upset about. Take Care.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

15. actually, I am the sister of the son. It is my Mother. How I got in the middle...

long story.

:crazy: family is crazy. the end. short version :D

[monmouth]

16. I've been divorced from the "son" for well over 40 years but plan

on visiting with my aged MIL (92) when I head back to Jersey for Thanksgiving. She was always kind to me and she's wonderful to my sons, a real grandmom. If she forgot it's probably age.

[seabeyond]

17. no, i would not remind MIL. no i would not be upset (does she love him?), enough said.

no i would not think less of my MIL.

people forget my bday and i. dont. care. i forget peoples, dont call, dont get cards.... ah well. i am lovable in other ways. the people know i love them

my MIL remembers every holiday, every bday, so i try really hard to remember hers and call.

none of it is important to me. it is to others. why.... do unto others as you would have done unto you... the golden rule, does not work

my MIL is SO hard to get along with. 16 yrs,.... on the one hand i measure up, on the other i so fail and she tells me what and how and when and who to do ALL the time. like 4 yrs old. she drives me mad. so unlike my family. we are way more mellow. i can do 3/4 days with her. last handful years i work hard, telling self, she loves us all, just who she is, keep mouth shut

on edit... they live 8 hours away, thank you.... lol. see them a couple, three times a year. good people

[EFerrari]

18. My mom is 78. She forgets things all the time.

Sometimes I try to remind her if I think she'll feel bad about it later but it's not possible to catch everything. We try to keep it light.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

87. yes, most of us in our family try to keep things light. thanks nt

[OffWithTheirHeads]

19. In my opinion, celebrating any birthday without a 0 in it after 21

is self indulgent and no, at 60, I really don't care if I get a card from anybody.

My old fart male opinion.

Now get off my lawn!

[Chan790]

22. nevermind.

wrong place.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

88. heh ... pretty much my take on all this as well. thanks nt

[AngryAmish]

20. Whoever cares about a missed birthday card is per se a shitty person

People forget things. It is not a big deal. The much, much worse sin is to get upset about it.

I'm on great terms with my MIL, despite her raging anti-senitism. I am always amazed by that. Very progressive/liberal. But a complete Jew-hater.

[Missy Vixen]

30. Thanks.

>People forget things. It is not a big deal. The much, much worse sin is to get upset about it.<

I've spent the past seventeen years buying birthday cards and gifts for people in DH's family. This is the first year some of them actually acknowledged my birthday. I'm sure it had something remotely to do with turning 50.

This isn't a case of "forgetting things". It's a case of family members who think that you'd better recognize their day, while ignoring yours. The "shitty people" are those who don't offer a sincere apology for deliberately forgetting or ignoring someone else's special day.

I look forward to next year's crop of birthdays.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

57. I am tending to agree with you and AngryAmish in all of this. It should be noted

that DIL never recognizes MIL bday.

personally shouldn't DIL be grateful that MIL raised such a man as she would choose to marry ?

[seabeyond]

60. ahhhhhm. bad DIL. lol. nt

[Tuesday Afternoon]

63. heh...who would care except that she has decided to chastise someone

for something that she herself does not do. ;)

[seabeyond]

65. exactly. and i would probably say something to SIL. that is funny. nt

[Tuesday Afternoon]

70. gosh, I can just see myself calling SIL

:o

She would chew me up for iron and spit me out for nails!

This woman is very ......

controlling.

She does not do well with what she would perceive to be criticism.

I need to think about all this.

and really I have a lot going on already in my own life and don't need the added drama

over what?

a late bday card :crazy:

[Chan790]

23. Well...

I don't have a mother-in-law, but I probably would send one because in my family we blanket-send pre-reminders for generally any occasion so it would be out-of-norm for me to not send one.

It's also part of a ongoing family prank, one of several we have as a clan, to see if we can get enough birthday wishes sent to crash email accounts. My poor youngest brother turned 23 the week before finals his senior year of college and woke up hung-over to discover he had 1160 email messages in 12 hours because my mother, his fiance and I had conspired to keep him away from his computer and get people to send him birthday wishes (the families of our co-workers and his, all of his professors, his kindergarten teacher, his entire graduating class from 5 years previous) to send him birthday wishes and ask others on our behalf to do it too. It was awesome, apparently he had a conniption and screamed bloody hell.

To be fair, this is a man who once used 2 rolls of duct-tape to wrap my Christmas present and who changed my screensaver (and password-protected it) to a picture of his ass with the words Happy Birthday and a riddle to the PW super-imposed on flashing marquee.

[Biker13]

25. That's It!!!

I'm using the duct tape this Christmas!

Sounds like you have a great family...and thanks for the great tip!

Biker13's Old Lady

[Tuesday Afternoon]

26. !

:rofl: :spray:

[quakerboy]

33. I like your brother

I did the duck tape. That didn't take long enough to open, my cousin is the resourceful sort. So the next year I upped it to welding and cement. Im stumped now, plus I fear the retribution if I take it any further.

[Chan790]

35. Oh I give as well as I get.

I once took a refrigerator box, filled it with eco-fill (40 pounds worth), fashioned a lid for it out of part of another box, wrapped both the lid and box separately so that the lid came off the still wrapped box, stuck a ribbon around it and placed the ladder next to it. Two hours later, after pulling the lid off and flinging it over his shoulder, then jumping into the box to look for the gift, then emptying the box onto the floor, did he realize I'd taped his gift, a PS2 game, to the inside of the lid.

Another time, our parents went on vacation and I was left in charge (I was 26 which made him 19) and his gf at the time was living with us (it was a school break and she's an orphan. It was an act of mercy). I only had 2 rules...don't do anything in the house that I will get arrested for if you get caught and you both have to sleep in your own beds because I will die if 9 months hence mom's a grandma. Well, the first night, about 3am I hear the sound of footsteps down the hall...and I think "Oh...kids.", roll over and go back to sleep...let them have their fun. I'm awake about 15 minutes later because they're not quiet. Next morning at breakfast I say nothing. Second night, 3am...same song, different station as now I hear him headed to her room. Again, not getting much sleep. Third night, it's no later than 12:30am and they're at it again; I waited to the best moment possible since they're disrespecting my rule and not letting me sleep and I go out into the hallway and I scream "Oh shit! Grandma's here. Mom must have had her come by to check on us. (This is exactly the timing and sort of thing Grandma and my mom would do.)" As I'm sitting there on the landing, two naked kids go running by: him to hop into his bed, her to jump in the shower. Meanwhile, I'm trying to not crack up. They stayed in their beds after that.

[LiberalAndProud]

24. Responses:

Would you call your Mother In Law (age 73) to remind her to send her 51 y/o son (your husband) a birthday remembrance and if so, why?
No.
Because I often forget birthdays and anniversaries (including my own). I'm just not into remembering special days. This inattentiveness is the cause some hurt feelings, and that pains me.

are you on good terms with your MIL and how far away do you live from each other?
We are on affectionate terms.
Approximately 400 miles.

If a card did not arrive on or before said Birthday, would you think less of your MIL?
Absolutely not. What, are you kidding? (see response #1)

I'm sorry you're having a family war. I hope you're able to negotiate peace soon.
:grouphug:

[Tuesday Afternoon]

85. thank you for this.

:grouphug:

[Tuesday Afternoon]

27. *~*~*~*~*~thanks everyone for replying.*~*~*~*~*~ UPDATE:

Mother and son are now "estranged" and the holidays are called off :(

No family get together this year. x(

I will have to make arrangements to visit everyone separately, or either invite them to my place at different times.

Maybe Thanksgiving with one set, Christmas with another and New Year's with another :shrug:

anyway, thanks for the input :grouphug:

[Rosie1223]

34. I'm so sorry T A

I hope no one is expecting you to take sides.

Concentrate on your new house. Hopefully both sides will come to their senses before the holidays.

:hug:

[Tuesday Afternoon]

71. thanks Rosie1223

:hug:

[laundry_queen]

69. WOW

Your situation sounds exactly like what I went through with my ex and MIL. If you need to talk about it PM me.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

72. really? I may do just that, thanks. Any insight would be appreciated.

[mopinko]

28. anybody that would pout about a birthday card at that age

maybe needs their perspective adjusted.
and if it is something mom did faithfully in the past but didn't do at 73, maybe i would check to see if she was still thinking straight.

i hated my MIL, and hubby was not that attached to her, either. she has passed on, thank ja.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

80. yes, I agree...brother should change his attitude in all this, too. nt

[madmom]

29. No I would not call to remind her, after all it's her son. If she is forgetful then he

should also realize that (why is it always up to the wife to remember these things?). I used to be on very good terms with my M-I-L but when the church took over her mind, she verbally attacked me in my own home (I am atheist)we have not spoken since. Her son calls or visits occasionally, she lives about 20 minutes from us.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

89. thanks for replying. nt

[AwakeAtLast]

31. I wouldn't call my MIL for anything

We don't speak, mainly because she doesn't speak to my husband. She lives 10 hours away, which is good enough for me.

When he was in Iraq she didn't send so much as one card to him. When our daughter was born we didn't get even a phone call.

There are a lot of issues in that family, but there are many things she could have done to make the relationship different and she hasn't. Unfortunately I don't expect her to anytime soon either.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

90. I am sorry. That is terrible.

:hug:

[quakerboy]

32. I happen to hate Cards

so, I would not be overly upset if one failed to arrive. They just seem such a waste of... time, energy, materials, etc. I can respect the occasional hand made one, but anything from a store... Just don't send it to me, please. and I'm not all that enthralled with birthdays except as an excuse to sleep in. So.. no upset here. And each year that passes makes me even less likely to think its a big deal.

In the mean time, I would not personally call my MIL over such an issue, unless it were important to coordinate some sort of activity. An possibly not even then. Granted we have some special circumstances going on here. Terms are complicated.

All in all, this is kinda like looking into alien world for me. Who gets upset about not getting a card at age 51? Who makes a big deal of a late card under any circumstances? Its all kinda incomprehensible to me.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

91. it has been a real WTF for me too. thanks for replying. nt

[haele]

36. On good terms with my MIL, and my husband calls his mom often -

so I doubt my MIL will forget his birthday. If she does, it's no biggie. Things come up.

Both immdiate sides of the family has no interest in stirring up WWIII drama, anyway. Except for the kids, of course.

Haele

[Tuesday Afternoon]

43. This is my philosophy about it all, too. who needs the drama?

sheesh.

[SwampG8r]

37. do i have this right?

a full grown MAN(?) is upset because his MOTHER didnt send him a card to "celebrate" the day she lay somewhere at deaths door,for hours, groaning as he squirrelled out onto the earth?
is that what i read up there in the OP?
for gods sake man let go of the teat!

edited for emphasis

[seabeyond]

40. lol lol.... no drama king there,

lying on deaths door for hours. lol

ah ha.

still smilin.

[SwampG8r]

50. hey i meant it

my wife is a nurse practitioner/nurse midwife and i know from her experience that at any moment in labor it can all go terribly wrong and nothing can stop it.
so while i may have sounded melodramatic i mean it.it is a respect i show to women and the price some pay to keep us going as a species.

[seabeyond]

51. ah, i hear ya

that was nice. thank you. and you are right. never thought of that with both pregs, but true.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

41. to some degree, yes. there is more to the story, of course --- involving

messages left on answering machines and the wrong persons hearing these messages.
I will try to recap how all this transpired (do not expect it make sense, it doesn't)

First off, realize that DIL and MIL have (at best) a very formal and distant relationship:

About 3 years ago DIL called MIL (my mother) leaving a judgmental (iso proper adjective here) sounding message regarding the lack of timely bday card being sent to her husband. MIL's SO was the first to hear the message and was appalled at the tone of it. MIL never replied to it directly. MIL did tell other family members (and friends) about it and replayed it for us to hear. It was, to my memory, things said that were uncalled for.

Now again, comes brother's Bday...the day after Mother again receives a message from DIL. Again the SO is the first to hear it. Evidently this one also had a certain tone to it.

Mother having had enough of this, called DIL...no answer, so Mother left DIL a "wild and wooly" (my brother's description) message. Unfortunately, Brother arrived home first and heard the message. He had NO IDEA what was going on and called me to ask if I knew what was going on.

That is how I got involved all of it.

SIL now had to explain to her husband (my brother) what she had done and how she had also done the same thing in a previous year.

I guess that Brother has decided that he should side with his wife in all this. At least, he wants to distance himself from his mother until he can sort it all out.

I am trying to stay objective and impartial in all of this and basically think it is slightly insane....

:shrug:

hope this clears it up.

[seabeyond]

44. it sounded like SIL instigator. thanks for clarification

i wouldnt send one, if i were the MIL, simple cause the SIL is demanding i do it. lol.

i am not good with this type of behavior. turns me off. probably call son, and tell him, hey, kid, you know i love you right? not gonna get a card from me, but know, thinking about you on this day

ya ya ya hubby more the peacemaker and nonconfrontation dude. he would handle in a much more mature adn adult fashion.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

45. yes, SIL started all this...whether or not her intentions were good (who knows)

but the result has been the opposite.

I do, however blame my Mom (to some degree) for not dealing with her DIL directly.

*NEVER LEAVE MESSAGES* that are intended for one person's ears only.

[seabeyond]

46. totally agree. and never take it to the others level. yes. nt

[OffWithTheirHeads]

38. Frankly. if this is the most important thing you have to worry about

You are very fortunate.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

92. at this point, it is an exercise in human nature for me. Trust me, this takes my mind

off my Real problems of which I have a plate full. thanks :)

[Kaleva]

39. In post 27, Tuesday Afternoon wrote:

"Mother and son are now "estranged" and the holidays are called off

No family get together this year.

I will have to make arrangements to visit everyone separately, or either invite them to my place at different times.

Maybe Thanksgiving with one set, Christmas with another and New Year's with another :shrug:

anyway, thanks for the input"

And in post 15 wrote:

"actually, I am the sister of the son. It is my Mother. How I got in the middle...

long story.

:crazy: family is crazy. the end. short version"

I'm a little confused as to who is upset about this. Is it the 51 year old son? Is it the wife of the son? My wife's family could have its own reality tv show but the only member of that family I support 100% of the time is my wife. As for the rest, I don't get involved in their squabbles with others unless it happens to be with my wife and then I do step in.

My advice is to invite everyone to a family get together for the holidays as you normally would do and let them all know everyone is welcome. Then don't fret about those who may not show up.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

42. thanks and that is what I intend to do...also see post #41 for more detail, if interested.

at this point, I think MIL, DIL and Brother (all three) are upset.

I truly think that it all started because DIL was upset at her imagined slight of her husband by his Mother.

:shrug:

Evidently in SIL's world acknowledgment must arrive on Time.

[Kaleva]

52. Some thoughts after reading your post #41

The relationship between your SIL and Mother is never going to be better then formal and distant.

Your brother has done the correct thing in this matter so far and is standing by his wife who is by far the most important person in the world to him.

I do not understand the reason your mother played the message from her DIL on the answering machine to other members of the family and also to friends.

I think it's rather silly that the DIL believes her husband ought to receive a B-card from his mother on time but if that is one of her few quirks, then it's rather easy to accommodate.

This dispute isn't going to be resolved until either the DIL or MIL swallows their pride and apologies (even if they believe no apology is warranted) to the other but from what I've read so far, I don't think that is going to happen anytime soon.

"I am trying to stay objective and impartial in all of this and basically think it is slightly insane...."

A good course of action. I find this kind of stuff very interesting and I am incredibly nosy but what were your actions and comments when your mother played the message from the DIL for you the first time?

[Tuesday Afternoon]

54. ok, let me see ...

yes, I know the relationship will always be formal and distant and now it will also be tense and strained.

yes, Brother has done the right thing, in so far as it goes.
However, I would (if I were him) feel like my wife was "mothering" me and going behind my back over something as insignificant as a late birthday card (at the age of 48(?)from my own Mother.
I am not sure that when I receive cards from someone is it really anyone else's business or concern when I receive them? other than a casual comment or if I so choose to share the card, isn't it my choice?
If he was so hurt that DIL felt the need to make the call then I think that says something about him and "apron strings".
If I were going to make the call, I would make sure that I spoke directly to the person and not just leave a message (I find that to be passive/aggressive action).

I can not remember verbatim what DIL said but the tone of it was very harsh, critical and judgmental and way out of left field. It felt like a slap in the face and it felt like the DIL was chastising her MIL. Like I said, these 2 women are on very distant and very formal terms. The fact that DIL left a message and did not confront MIL directly was just in poor taste.

Because it was a message, my mother's SO came home first that day and listened to the messages. He was the first to hear it and he was flabbergasted.

I guess Mother shared it for several reasons:

1. as it was a message and already heard by other people, she considered it no longer private.

2. she wanted to know what on earth was going on with her DIL as she has in the past had to go way out of her way to
deliver gifts only to leave them on the front porch. Mother's gifts may or may not be late (51 years of on time,
you expect ?!) but they are always worth the wait.

3. she wanted advice on how she should proceed in her relationship with her DIL and therefore with her own son. MIL
decided to ignore the firs message and pretend like it never happened.

Let me ask you: how would you feel, from now on, to make sure that you mailed a card early enough to make sure that it arrived ON or (how soon) before your son's bday? Would you do this with gladness in your heart or would you feel like a child trying to please someone? What kind of emotions will come about for my Mother at the anniversary every year of her son's birth?

Do you really think MIL owes DIL an apology? Do you think Mother owes son an apology?

[seabeyond]

59. i think it is sad. my family, we are passionate. talk about everything. blunt. i would call

brother and tell him it is all stupid and why he did to mom. sounds like your mom has done her job nurturing and loving your brother. if this happened in my family, and SIL did this, and brother allowed i would be on the phone, on brothers ass and tell him to call mom and make her feel better

i would say exactly that. what does a given card mean, now, in the future, after this.

but that is how our family is. everything always on the table..... nothing private. we dont do that

[Tuesday Afternoon]

62. you have a valid point ...maybe I should call brother. He will not appreciate it ...

I wish it were different. I don't know, I am hoping time and distance and maturation on all parts will solve this.

[seabeyond]

64. we have always been that way, so doesnt matter what we address, how we say it, we know

we love and will always be there.

husbands family is complete opposite. if anything is said, it is a slight. regardless if valid or needed. sweep under rug.

i kinda like, you invite everyone, and who wants to come can. but i wish you could call brother and talk to him. this is so silly. i have always been the peacemaker in family. for a lifetime, i have made these calls and fixed everyones problems with each other.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

67. I am also a peacemaker...years ago I would have called and tried to bring about peace

there are however extenuating circumstances that I do not want to go into right now. Suffice it to say, that this brother and his wife have managed to estrange their selves from the rest of the family for other reasons.

DIL is very "prickly" and seems to bring this out in Brother as well. Rigid, maybe is a better word.

[seabeyond]

75. then

maybe all is well they islolate themselves until he decides he wants to come bak in the fold. drama, drama. everyone does not have to play.

and as you say, ... you have your own stuff you deal with

really, after decades. i sit in my house and let them all come to me. lol

kids are flabbergasted that my family does this. if i get one call, .... i hear from teh rest of the family that day. really is amusing. and i never need/want anything from them

and SIL, i wouldnt call. but sometime, somewhere, she would make a comment... and i would snark back... with a smile of course, lol.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

77. the same thing happens with me...they all come to me for advice

and then they don't take it! lol.

Then they are hurt when things don't work out and come back to me and tell me what happened. Saying "I told you, so." is small satisfaction. lol.

[seabeyond]

78. then they don't take it!.... h hahahahaha

true that. so true. lmao.

and yes.... to the rest. it is so funny. why the kids watch in amazement. they see this. cause it will get quite loud, lol.

oh, that is funny.

good to hear other homes has our same dynamics.

thanks for sharing. you gave me a good laugh

[Kaleva]

74. My views on this have changed as I've read more.

Rather then confronting the DIL directly after the first call, the MIL did this:

"MIL did tell other family members (and friends) about it and replayed it for us to hear."

The above really stood out to me.

Until either the MIL or the DIL puts aside pride and takes the high road, this won't be resolved. We are taking about 2 phone calls over a three year period of time after all.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

79. I will go a step farther and say that since DIL started all this DIL

should be the one to apologize. Wouldn't you agree?

also, does it not stand out for you that DIL left a message to begin with...

left a message on an answering machine chastising her elder ... ?

[Kaleva]

82. I think you just nailed it...

as to why this has escalated to the point it has. "She started it!!!". It's going to take a mature person to resolve this but from what I've read so far, there isn't one involved.

I do hope it all works out for everyone but honestly, I don't see it happening based on what I've read.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

83. there is more to it that however, you are entitled to your opinion. I was just asking a straight up

question.

It seems that you have decided that DIL was justified in her actions whereas MIL was not.

I would think that by ignoring the first message MIL did just that. (forgave and forgot)

However, I do agree that MIL should apologize for leaving a message this time.

and you may just be surprised on how all this ends.

Do you think that I should stay out of all this or should I say something and if so what and to whom?

Do you not think that all this is much ado about nothing.

also: would you please reply to my comment (#54) above where I answered your questions. so that I may clarify my reasoning on what it is that you are saying ...

seabeyond jumped in at that point but you stayed away, choosing to come back at this point.

[Kaleva]

96. I do not think the Dils actions were justified.

I think they were and are silly. I also think that the MiL didn't forgive and forget but that her playing the first message to friends and family helped add to family strife and it wasn't public until the Mil and her SO made it so. I had a different view about what was going on until I read that part about playing the 1st message for others. Now I see it as more of a two way street.

"However, I do agree that MIL should apologize for leaving a message this time."

In a perfect world, they both ought to apologize but its going to take one of them to make the first gesture.

"Do you not think that all this is much ado about nothing."

Yes I do.

"Do you think that I should stay out of all this or should I say something and if so what and to whom?"

I think you ought to stay out of it but let them know you hope it all works out and that you love them both.

"also: would you please reply to my comment (#54) above where I answered your questions. so that I may clarify my reasoning on what it is that you are saying ...

seabeyond jumped in at that point but you stayed away, choosing to come back at this point."

Sorry. Am doing paperwork and making phone calls with customers and my suppliers while stopping in here at DU. I'll read post 54 and respond to it.

Edit: My post #74 was the response to your post #54

[Tuesday Afternoon]

97. I really think Mother was in shock when she got that first message.

Her SO was aghast and horrified and Mother was upset. IIRC, I could not believe it and so Mother played if for me so That I could judge for myself the content, tone and manner of speaking by DIL.

so then, SO heard it. I heard it and my mother's best friend heard it. Why does this make it a 2way street? I don't understand this part of what you are saying.

I have made my feelings known which is what you said: love them all and hope it all works out.

[Kaleva]

98. I'll clarify

I was under the impression that your mother and her SO played the message for more people then just you and her best friend ( I read it as "friends" and not "best friend"). But I do think it would have been better had your mother, after she had calmed down, called the Dil and let her know, nicely, how her message affected her and then go from there.

My wife is often surprised at how people react to her. She thinks she's talking nicely and is confounded by the sometimes hostile response she gets. We went to the movies a couple of weeks ago and her asking the girl who sold us popcorn about napkins is almost laughable as to how that almost turned into a fist fight. She and most everyone in her family talks very loudly and are very direct and sometimes cutting. It takes awhile to get used to it.

[seabeyond]

102. see, very blunt, straight to the point, and project so they arent saying... what?

no submissive, that is for sure.

i ask

i want something, whatever it may be, even info... i ask.

i dont tippey toe, apologize for, coddle.... i just ask

people have a problem with it. i dont get.

just give me the damn answer and dont be so damn sensitive.

so... i understand your woman

[Tuesday Afternoon]

84. MIL did take the high road, imo by ignoring the DIL's first message.

that she played it for a few (well chosen people) is her prerogative, don't you think? or no? Remember it was too late for privacy as her SO had already heard the message.

Do you have an expectation of privacy when leaving messages on answering machines where more than one person lives?

[Dappleganger]

47. Nope, never.

If his mom forget's his birthday he's a big boy and can handle it.

Are we on good terms? We get along best at a distance and for short periods of time such as around the holidays. We have never been close (and there's reasons for it). We live about 4 hours away but in the same state. The inlaws have their lives and we have ours. Their's is full of no money worries, lots of trips and adventure while we are barely making it by. They come to see us once a year, if that. As inlaws IMO they're pretty much completely clueless.

If a card didn't arrive on or before a birthday that would be par for the course. They typically send a card out on the day of the birthday or a week later. Mine is forgotten the most, but then again I'm not their child. It does upset me when they forget their grandchildren's birthday and christmas as they are the only inlaws left who can send them a card (my mother is dead and dad has alz).

BTW, I am of the opinion that if someone goes ballistic over a missed card that is a sure sign there are some serious issues involved.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

93. I am thinking both DIL and son have some serious issues that are now being

uncovered.

[Zavulon]

48. No, I would not.

My mom calls me on my birthday, she does not send cards. I'd just throw them away and they're overpriced anyway. I'd rather see my mom spend $3.49 on one of those expensive coffees she likes.

I have a whole lot of contempt for the greeting card industry and their overpriced shit, though, so I'm not sure how much value you'll get out of my answer.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

94. would you be terribly hurt if the call was a day early or a day late? nt

[Zavulon]

99. No, not at all.

I wouldn't be hurt in the slightest, but I don't really care about birthdays. It was nice when my parents made a big deal of the first 18, but I'm 47. A once-a-week call just to keep up means a lot more to me than an obligatory birthday call ever would.

[Solly Mack]

49. No

So-so. About 5100 miles.

No. It has happened before and it hurt my husband. He finally shrugged it off and didn't hold it against her. However, she once donated money in his name on his birthday and he still hasn't gotten over that - it was to a charity he would never support.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

95. shrugged it off...yes, I can see doing that.

sorry about the charity thing.

[av8rdave]

53. I just found out I'm about to gain a Daughter In Law

I will be thrilled if she reminds my son about any family dates/events.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

55. this is the other way around...

do you want her to call you (FIL) after the event and chastise you for not remembering the event...?

This is 24 hours within birthday.

[av8rdave]

56. That would be tough....I would hope she would remind be BEFORE the event

After would sorta hurt.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

58. now you have the picture ...also remember the dynamics between

MIL/DIL would be different from those between FIL/DIL.

[av8rdave]

61. Very true!

Promise to actually read next time!

:hi:

[Rabrrrrrr]

66. I achieved maturity quite a while ago, so no, I would not be upset if mother forgot a birthday.

That's pretty damned sad.

[laundry_queen]

68. That same thing has happened before

to me. I'm now separated from my dh so he's an ex, but my MIL still are on good terms and keep in touch (lol, she 'took my side' in this whole thing). One year she did forget the ex's birthday. That went over like a lead balloon. My ex was totally freakin' hurt. It never would have occured to me to have to remind a mother of her only child's birthday. :shrug: Did I think any less of her? Actually, yes I did. She has 1 kid, is not very busy, is retired. I just don't get forgetting - I'm planning my kids' birthdays weeks in advance. BUT I'm not in my 60's like my MIL is, so I cannot say what I'd forget. There are some things she did to my ex when she was raising him that I disagree with, so for me this was just further confirmation of her views/attitude. Dont' get me wrong, my MIL is wonderful and I lucked out, but that's one thing that just left me scratching my head.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

73. well, my Mother is a very busy woman with health issues. She has

3 adult children and 4 grandchildren. She has 2 brothers and 1 sister also cousins and aunts and uncles that she remembers throughout the year (also Friends) for their birthdays.

She has a lot going on....

Her gifts may be late but, trust me they are worth the wait.

[laundry_queen]

76. Well, that makes it different.

My MIL is world's worst gift giver. My ex doesn't even care about Christmas, because how it usually went was in October he would mention something he liked, and his dad would buy it that week and say, "merry Christmas". His mom would feel bad that there was nothing to open under the tree and go out and buy him junk (you know, novelty tees with stupid sayings, socks with cartoon characters, avon deodorant, hockey trivia books) and he would be pretty disappointed on Christmas morning. Her birthday gifts are the same - they are an afterthought. That bothered my ex enough, but when she forgot his birthday (I forgot to mention we lived 2 minutes away at the time), when she had no problems remembering mine and all of her grandkids' birthdays, he figured she did it on purpose. They weren't on very good terms at the time and so he took it as a major slight. I talked to my MIL and she just plain forgot. I felt bad for both of them (my curse, I feel bad for both sides all the time) but they have been fighting more like a brother and sister for eons.

Now, your story sounds like your SIL instigated a lot of this stuff. Especially if she left messages that were rude, wth? And if she's(your mother) busy and generally remembers birthdays, even after the fact, and is generous with gifts and makes you feel like she spent time picking out something nice, then I think your SIL and brother are being way over the top. jmho.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

81. yes, that is pretty much what has happened. Mother has her faults

(as do we all). She tends run late and she is "flighty" but she has a good heart and is very generous with her time once she does arrive. She is also very generous with her gifts and also has let all of us borrow money. Her door is always open (to use a phrase) whereas DIL will only allow company on invitation only and for a limited amount of time that has been predetermined at invitation.

Brother is the type to start his visit by saying that he can't stay long as he has to be somewhere else in 2 hours. He can not stay longer than 2 hours, ever. Which is all fine.

I am just saying all this to show the different attitudes.

[Broken_Hero]

100. Okay,

married man checking in...

Your first question, no, I wouldn't call my MIL to remind her to send her son a card/bday gift.

I am on very good terms with my MIL, and I live roughly 75yds from her.

Nope if I got the card before/after my bday I wouldn't care, or be upset.

your last question, a big nope.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

101. There is one solution to the MIL problem.

I never dated a boy who had a mom who thought I was good enough. I was too short, or I wouldn't go to their stupid tupperware parties because I had to work, or I was too young or the wrong religion...yada yada, they'll make stuff up to hate your guts.

I am now married to a guy, because of his age, his mother and stepmother are both dead.

Problem solved.

As far as reminding MIL about the card, sure, go ahead...but I would not make a big deal out of it.