Anyone have a Passive/Aggressive person in their live? How do you deal with it?

[Tuesday Afternoon]

Passive Aggressive (adj.) Of, relating to, or having a personality disorder characterized by habitual passive resistance to demands for adequate performance in occupational or social situations, as by procrastination, stubbornness, sullenness, and inefficiency.

Covert (adj.) Not openly shown, engaged in, or avowed : VEILED

Passive Aggressive behavior is a form of covert abuse. When someone hits you or yells at you, you know that you've been abused. It is obvious and easily identified. Covert abuse is subtle and veiled or disguised by actions that appear to be normal, at times loving and caring. The passive aggressive person is a master at covert abuse.

Passive aggressive behavior stems from an inability to express anger in a healthy way. A person's feelings may be so repressed that they don't even realize they are angry or feeling resentment. A passive aggressive can drive people around him/her crazy and seem sincerely dismayed when confronted with their behavior. Due to their own lack of insight into their feelings the passive aggressive often feels that others misunderstand them or, are holding them to unreasonable standards if they are confronted about their behavior.

more at link:
http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/abusiverelationships/a/Pass_Agg.htm

[CBR]

1. My Dad and my Grandmother and over the last year I have

chosen just to ignore them. It is sad but there is no other choice. They are masters at it. With passive aggressiveness, there is no "evidence" per say, it is impossible to "prove" they have done anything. My ignoring them has been getting under their skin, I have been told.

[geardaddy]

2. I live in the state of P/A...

Minnesota


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Minnesota_nice
Minnesota nice is the stereotypical behavior of long-time Minnesota residents, to be courteous, reserved, and mild mannered. According to Annette Atkins, the cultural characteristics of Minnesota nice include a polite friendliness, an aversion to confrontation, a tendency toward understatement, a disinclination to make a fuss or stand out, emotional restraint, and self-deprecation.<1> It can also refer to traffic behavior, such as slowing down to allow another driver to enter a lane in front of the other person. She notes that critics have pointed out negative qualities, such as passive aggressiveness and resistance to change.

[Lucian]

4. Oh god, tell me about it.

"Minnesota Nice" annoys me to no end.

[geardaddy]

9. Yes indeedy.

It is barf-worthy.

[Rosie1223]

3. My MIL is a queen of passive agressive behavior

Her veiled insults, talking behind someone's back, silent treatments... don't get me started.

Basically we just have as little contact with her as possible.

When she backhandedly insults me I look her square in the eye and say "What exactly do you mean by that?" She usually sputters around and "I didn't mean anything by that" or "I wasn't talking about you".

It's not fun.

:-(

[RandomThoughts]

5. Not expressing anger, is channeling it instead into focused intensity.

Not getting angry is not letting someone waste your energy on hurting yourself, but creating a thought wave of focus with that thought. If just, and for right reasons, it taps into the better powers, and sends ripples of power across those that have earned your ire.


Airbender
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HjQpoX67tdQ

I RE


Star Blazers.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ty-1zWsXFNs

Yamato
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CPoNTjwPb5w

Becoming more real.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

11. ?

:shrug:

[Dora]

6. I'm divorcing him.

Got sick of the lies, manipulations, denials, obstructionist behavior. I have a child to raise, dammit, and this child does not need to be learning this kind of crap from his father.

Life's too short to be spent coddling somebody else's personality dysfunction, married or not.

And that web page? I just happened to read it yesterday myself.

[rug]

7. Well, isn't this a lovely post.

:)

[Lilith Velkor]

8. Take everything they say at face value.

Drives them NUTS.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

12. that is when they shut down, ask for a cooling off period in the hopes

that one will forget what happened, in my experience anyway.

[WolverineDG]

16. especially ultimatums (see below) nt

[In_The_Wind]

10. It's difficult.

I try to remind myself that the person is sick. That they are unable to deal with situations in a straightforward manner. Usually I try to overlook it but being human ... at times I do react.

[hunter]

13. It takes two to play.

In the dysfunctional autistic spectrum family of my childhood I doubt anyone would have recognized a "passive-aggressive" personality. Everything was displayed on the surface and if it wasn't, who cares? You could sulk in your room as long as you wanted to, all it meant was your siblings got more to eat.

Bro's gonna be a skeleton, hah, hah!

There was nothing to be passive about. If you wanted or needed something it was up to you to speak up and make it so.

One way or another detachment makes passive-aggressive behavior in others go away whether or not it is truly an issue with them.

[nolabear]

14. I always advise people to take them absolutely at their word.

Don't second guess, don't react to the aggression. If they say "Oh, no, I'll be fine, you go on without me," you go without them. Treat them with the respect that they can't treat themselves with, i.e. as someone who is being straight with you and asking for what they need. When they're shocked, simply say "Oh, I did what you said you wanted" or something that fits the situation. It is important not to elaborate or to engage the deception. If they're of the "Oh, it's okay with me, do what you want" type who later complains, same answer--not, "Oh, I thought you wanted" but "You SAID you wanted" in a non-accusatory manner and just repeat that. It can take the patience of a saint but sometimes it helps. It removes the reward for the behavior, and you get to do what you want w/o second guessing.

[WolverineDG]

15. Best way to deal with them is to take them up on all their ultimatums

You would not believe how quickly that cuts a LOT of that shit out. Of course, they might get their noses bent out of shape & not speak to you for a long time, if ever, but that's a bonus.

dg

[some guy]

17. yes

Mostly I deal with it by keeping myself away from other people as much as possible. That way I pretty much only drive myself crazy.

:blush:

:hi:

[femmocrat]

18. I think I do all of those things. LOL

Re: "adequate performance in . . . social situations"? I'm not even sure what that means. My performance at work is adequate, though. I just avoid social situations as much as possible.

[Curmudgeoness]

19. I work with the most p/a woman I have ever met.

She is the one who is reponsible for going to get lunch every day for the office. She is supposed to have lunch there by noon, but that never happens, that is when she might start taking the order. I have learned that no matter what, you do not tell her that you need to eat at noon for some reason. Lunch will not be there before 1 in that case. Dealing with her for me is easy enough. We all started bringing lunch. We go to the lunchroom at noon without her, so if she does not get the lunch on time, she eats alone. Is she pissed? You bet. But like we tell her, it is her choice. This is the way we all deal with everything she does---ignore her without being mean.