What would you do if your daughter came home pregnant?

[TheCanadianLiberal]

One of my co-workers is facing this very thing and is clueless as to what he should say or do and I can't exactly offer any advice.

His daughter is only just 16 as with the guy.

I've asked this on several forms and decided I'd ask here too.

[ScreamingMeemie]

1. What would I do? I would just be there. No recriminations, no yelling

(although one's first impulse is to cry, shout, and bemoan what "could have been").

First and foremost, I would hug her. Then I would discuss options and support her in her choice regardless of my own wishes, wants or thoughts. She already knows she "messed up" and lectures and tears can cause damage that can't be undone.

I say this as a teenage mom. My father (not my mother) was a rock for me. I know I broke his heart, but he stood by me. My mother? I love her, but the day she found out was the day we ceased to have any shot of a mother/daughter/friend bond. Screaming slut at me is pretty much what ruined that.

My own daughter is now 21. Somehow, we all survived it.
All my best to your co-worker and his daughter.

[freshwest]

2. Ask what they want and work with it.

[Rhiannon12866]

3. It's probably important to him if you're just there to listen, in a calm and nonjudgmental way.

You can do that, since you're not involved, and he's probably otherwise facing a lot of emotional folks, so he's probably appreciate that the most. Good luck, and kudos to you for being a friend in need. :pals:

[kimi]

4. Awww

I was there, as a 17-year-old. Terrified to tell my mom.

Only advice I can give - and really, I've been there - is for the parents to do their level best to support her, comfort her, let her know she's not the only one it happens to. If she chooses to terminate, PLEASE let them support her. She will seriously need that comfort. If she chooses to continue, it will be a life-changing decision she - and they - need to be cognizant of.

It happens more often than people know, even with the availability of birth control OTC. Teenagers, and hormones, and other situations -- they can take over. I really do hope that the parents understand this - this girl at 16 years of age has so many years ahead of her in which to make so much of her life, and a child does not necessarily detract from that. I know this, firsthand.

Best of luck to them all, whatever the decision.

[seabeyond]

5. shei s no longer the kid. she has stepped into adulthood. that would be how i address it

she made adult choices, now she has adult responsibility. baby takes priority over the two teenagers.

they have options.

abortion
adoption
raising the baby

make clear what these options entail and their responsibility in each one of these choices. i think i would work hard at keeping guilt out of it. it is what it is. but this is a moment in their lives where they have to step up and make hard choices, and face reality, not a make believe of how they may think it will be.

always with the eye on what is best for the baby, not them.... saying, if they cannot be parents (and i think at 16 that is about fail) then it leaves abortion and adoption. regardless how hard these choices are

[pootbutta]

6. choice

choice is what its all about, but if it were my daughter i would encourage her much to have an abortion. she has her whole life in front of her and hopefully will have children, if she wants to, later.
there are so many unwanted children in the world waiting to be adopted already.
i think the radical religious right has done a lot to make women feel guilty about abortion and has put the idea in our heads that its 'murder' and that a zygote or embryo is a person. It is not. And even if it were, it is still inside her body - its part of her.
The government has not more right to tell us to carry a fetus to term than it does to tell us to have a liver transplant or heart surgery.
I'm not saying its an easy choice, but I do think the whole discussion has been slanted so much by right wing propaganda.
I know there's a thread about abortion, but just had to add that!

[seabeyond]

7. i agree. depending on the home environment and how the kid was raised

in our home, abortion would be a choice the same, and weighed the same as the others. and in discussing abortion, it would absolutely have the conversation that it is not likely a 16 yr old can be a good parent, what the baby is deserving, but it is also not an automatic fail. that it could be lesson learned, and future BIRTH CONTROL so never in this situation again, and live life responsibly. have babies when ready.

as far as adoption, i think that is the hardest choice. and no, i dont see that a baby being placed is unwanted. there are many families that want a new born, and though it might not be a good outcome, i think the majority are.

i think in addressing all issues, it is without emotion in the discussing of it, but factual in addressing.

i would prefer the abortion, too. that would be the simplest of choice. but i would not force that direction. this is a HUGE life choice. at too young an age. but that is where these kids sit. i firmly believe, at this point, they have chosen the adult role.

[alphafemale]

11. choice.

Yes. Sit down at a table and go over the hard choices they are facing.

Adoption. Abortion. Parenthood.

But make it clear that giving birth to the child and expecting someone else to provide all feeding/cleaning and $$$...while they continue to play around as other teens their age without any responsibility...except for a few times a day when they want something to cuddle and dress up?

Sorry. That's not an available choice.

[seabeyond]

14. absolutely. i have made clear to my boys

i wont parent their kids.... ever. to be wise.

[OmahaBlueDog]

8. As the father of daughters, I give this matter some thought

1) Get her to an OB/GYN and start a program of prenatal care: The baby's been made, so you want the baby to be healthy.

2) Call the lawyer: I'm not making anyone get married, but I'll be damned if they are not paying child support. I want to get what ever I need to lined up to ensure that young daddy (or Dad's folks) are on the hook for their fair share.

3) Call the school board: At 16, you want to do whatever you can to accelerate the diploma/GED process so little Miss mom can get more quickly to commuter school (i.e. a local college or community college). The only thing worse than 16 and pregnant is 16, mom, with no job skills or outlook. Be practical -- even if you and Mrs. you have to invest some free babysitting, you need to get the new mom involved with developing a lucrative job skill ASAP.

4)Find out about every dime of money and support you can get from every source legally : WIC? Scholarships for single moms? Can you claim your grandkid as a full or partial dependent?

5) If this can't work financially, lot's of agencies will arrange adoption, and assist with medical expenses.

6) If this can work financially, hold a baby shower. Hey - it's still a grand kid. Celebrate.

7) Dream up a new, derisive name for the father. You will use this name for the remaining years for your life - at least in private.

8) Remember point #3. Encourage the father along those lines.

[seabeyond]

9. excellent points and like all the approach but 7. do the sons parents get to come up with derisive

name for the mother? for remaining years of their lives

actually, i know it is in jest, and i really like your post

[OmahaBlueDog]

12. Thanks. There is one other important thing I forgot to mention

When you are having "that talk" with your daughters about the facts of life, emphasize how important it is for them to come and tell you that they are pregnant. Emphasize that there may be a small amount of yelling and crying, but Mom and Dad are not going to kill you. Trying to cover this up or handle the situation on your own (at 16 with no money to speak of and no perspective) is , as a rule, a really bad idea.

[seabeyond]

13. so agree. my parents did not talk sex at all. on vacation, sittin outside in cafe, father told me

if i ever find myself in that position, know they are there for me.

that was all either parent ever said. over two decades ago, i remember father saying this to me. it was so little. but it was SO big, in the perspective of our family. and i knew he meant it. very assuring and comforting.

i agree

[Gormy Cuss]

18. Daughters and sons need to hear that.

Although it's a different set of choices for them, sons need to hear early and often that after the initial crying and yelling, parents want to be there for their sons too because regardless of the girlfriend's choice it is a life-altering event.

[HopeHoops]

10. Be glad that she felt comfortable coming home - and then hold her and comfort her.

He just needs to make sure she knows that she has his support and help her through it, regardless of what she decides to do.

[JitterbugPerfume]

15. love and support her in whatever she decides to do

my daughter had a child at 16 and she was always a good and loving mom but I know that having the child is not always the best decision

[JitterbugPerfume]

dupe

[JitterbugPerfume]

16. dupe

[Aristus]

17. 11 years ago, my unmarried, 17 year-old stepdaughter found out she was pregnant.

She didn't even LIKE the father of her baby! She broke up with him two weeks later.

I was furious. Absolutely, stone-cold furious. Wouldn't talk to her for weeks.

Then she gave birth to the most beautiful, adorable, darling, angelic child: my first grandson. I forgave her in that moment.

In July, my grandson will be 11. I never dreamed I could love someone so much. He's my life.

[PassingFair]

19. Call MTV...STAT!

[AngryOldDem]

20. Easy. I'd be supportive. n/t

[david13]

21. The best advice that I can give you vis a vis your friend is ...

Do Not give advice. Just listen. Anything you say may later come back to haunt you. And it's not your call.
Just be supportive of your friend and provide an ear for him to chew about it.
He will make his own decisions as to what his position will be.
(Unless he decides to do something crazy or illegal. Then you definitely have to say hey, no.)
dc

[Arkansas Granny]

22. Make her a doctor's appointment.

That's what I did when my 16 yo daughter told me she was pregnant. No judgment and no recriminations. Support whatever decision she makes concerning the pregnancy. If she decides to have the baby and keep it, I would suggest parenting classes.

[Moondog]

23. I'd wonder how in the hell I got a daughter, and how the hell

I had a daughter old enough to become pregnant. Why doesn't anyone tell me about this shit? Nobody tells me anything. Grumble, grumble.

Seriously, if I were ever in that position, I have no earthly idea what I would do, or how I would react. I suspect no one really does, until it happens.

[AtomicKitten]

24. It would never happen because I discussed birth control with her early on.