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American History (neo-con style)
By Nancy Greggs
While the current administration loves to accuse the opposition of re-writing history, I’ve often wondered how American history would be retold had the current crop of neo-con adherents been in charge from day one of our country’s founding.
Below are a few of the CNN-type bottom-screen crawls that would have appeared had the neo-con agenda been in play throughout our illustrious history:
“Paul Revere was unable to alert fellow citizens about an imminent attack by the English, when he was stopped at a checkpoint and discovered to be on the ‘No Ride List’. Local authorities insisted that ‘Revere’ is a common surname and, as a result, mistakes can be made.”
“Betsy Ross, seamstress, was arrested today when she burned a prototype flag she had discarded because it had (allegedly) become soiled in the process of sewing it.”
“BREAKING: Alexander Graham Bell being held on charges of terrorist activity after his first phone call was intercepted by the NSA. His lawyers plan to raise the defense that FISA was not consulted before the wiretap was commenced.”
“Brothers Orville and Wilbur Wright were indicted yesterday morning on charges of attempting to board their ‘flying machine’ with several gallons of an identified liquid. ‘It was water,’ contended their legal advisor, ‘intended to extinguish any fires that may result after take-off.’ County prosecutors remain skeptical about the proffered excuse.”
“After being opened to the public earlier today, NYC’s Empire State Building was shut down this afternoon until further notice. ‘Better safe than sorry’, said federal government officials, citing a pre-9/11 mindset as a reason for the more than likely permanent closure.”
“Minutes after the first broadcast via the newly-invented ‘television’, Homeland Security promptly announced that the medium could likely be used to educate would-be terrorists in the communication of bomb-making skills and other anti-American activity. All broadcasts via the new-fangled technology are hereby canceled.”
“Confusion ensued earlier this week when a closer examination of the recently adopted ‘Constitution’ revealed a hastily scrawled footnote reading ‘the aforementioned shall not apply to one George W. Bush upon his selection to the presidency.’ While strict Constitutionalists are debating the legitimacy of the addition, others have dubbed the almost illegible scribbling as a ‘signing statement’, and intend to argue its legality forthwith.”
“Aviatrix Amelia Earhart has not been heard from since her take-off Tuesday afternoon. The president remarked that if she simply ‘stays the course’, her safe landing is a ‘slam-dunk’.”
“The newly-erected White House tragically burned to the ground today. The head of FEMA could not be contacted for comment, but rumors persist he was slow to react as he was having his wig powdered at the time.”
“The estimated $2 million cost of an upcoming real estate transaction between the U.S. and France, popularly known as ‘the Louisiana Purchase’, has now been revised. No-bid contract negotiators, Ye Olde Halliburton & Co., cited unexpected overhead costs as the reason behind the new $24 trillion price tag.”
“The Myles Standish/Priscilla Mullins/John Alden Triangle – Who will end up with whom? Inquiring minds want to know. Stay tuned for the Town Crier near you for latest shocking details!”
“Japan Attacks US at Pearl Harbor – Mexico Attacked in Retaliation. Secretary of Defense cites ‘lack of good targets in Japan’ as reasoning behind invasion of southern neighbor.”
“Boston Tea Party cancelled due to lawsuit launched by Starbucks (aka ‘Purveyors of Fine Coffee Products’) in Massachusetts First District Court.”
“Salem Witch Trials to be simulcast on the Nancy Grace Show. Position of Grace as Head Witch of Coven #609 argued by other networks as ‘conflict of interest’.”
“Asked by the DC press corps about the impact of the Depression on many south-western states, the president opined that the ‘Great Dust Bowl’ will be a fantastic venue for sports events for decades to come.”
“Thomas Paine has been indicted on charges of attempting to distribute subversive ideas (aka ‘common sense’) amongst the citizenry.”
“For those who may have missed it, the Emancipation Proclamation was announced by President Lincoln three months ago. Non-stop coverage of ‘runaway bride’ Clarice Beauchamps, who boarded a stagecoach in an attempt to avoid her upcoming nuptials, has delayed the conveyance of news of lesser importance for a number of weeks. We sincerely regret any inconvenience this may have caused.”
“Ulysses S. Grant recently admonished all northerners to continue frequenting their local general stores, stating that, ‘If we stop shopping, the Confederacy has already won.’”
“American Idol contestant Francis Scott Key was eliminated from the competition last night when his rendition of “The Star Spangled Banner” caught the attention of the Secret Service, who were monitoring the broadcast. “The phrases ‘rockets red glare’ and ‘bombs bursting in air’ were deemed acceptable,” said an official spokesperson. “But when he got to ‘land of the free’, we knew he was just trying to stir up trouble.’ In addition to being detained on charges of inciting to riot, Key was kicked out of the contest for promoting self-penned material that ‘sounded like a karaoke rendition of democracy’, according to one judge who wished to remain anonymous.”
“In a stunning yet predictable move, the yet-to-be-officially-formed government of the United States of America has postponed the cessation from British rule indefinitely until an ample supply of ‘Support the Revolutionary Troops’ bumperstickers can be made readily available to all Royalists wishing to display them on their suburban-utility-vehicle carriages."
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