DAVENPORT, IOWA- In spite of Hillary Clinton's growing air of inevitability going into the 2008 primary race, upstart challenger Barrack Obama continues to draw in truckloads of campaign contributions, apparently unaware that the race for the Democratic nomination is already over. According to the Obama campaign's third quarter financial report, the earnest Illinois Senator raised just shy of $20 million in the past three months, significantly more than Clinton insiders say they've gathered during the same period. If this disturbing trend continues, they warn, Obama might actually have a chance at sneaking off with Hillary's nomination.
At a loss to explain it in any other way, the former First Lady and polyamorous baseball fan told a crowd of supporters on Monday of her suspicions regarding Obama's fundraising success. "He must have stolen it," she said.
Clinton later clarified that she meant that Obama had been "stealing" donors from other candidates, but at the time it certainly sounded like something far more disturbing- especially when she mentioned that her TV had gone missing recently, an implied accusation that perhaps Obama had taken it and pawned it for campaign cash.
By way of proof, the Clinton campaign released a copy of a receipt from Red's Pawn & Loan in central Iowa that appears to link directly to a check matching in number and dollar amount to one received by the Obama campaign the very next day. To aid the story's credibility and newsworthiness, the accompanying press release assures reporters and news editors that the document is "not at all faked or Photoshopped, even though that would be really easy to do."
Moreover, several high-level staffers within the Clinton campaign have been working hard to connect Obama and his fundraising efforts to a series of armed robberies in early primary states like Iowa and New Hampshire. Over the past few hours, news organizations report fielding dozens of anonymous tips from concerned citizens, all calling from the same Washington, D.C. phone number. In their estimation, the official eyewitness description of the suspect as a "tall African American man" seems spot on- especially when one considers that the phrase "large protruding ears" would almost certainly have been added if the perpetrator (Obama allegedly) had not been wearing ski mask at the time.
The Obama report states proudly that the money came through small donations from more than 93,000 Americans. For Clinton, that figure is especially chilling since it implies that Obama's money-making operation is even larger than previously thought. On her newest video blog entry, Clinton encouraged every U.S. citizen to check their bank accounts and credit card receipts for suspicious charges and missing funds. If nearly 100,000 people are unwittingly supporting someone who isn't Hillary Clinton, she reasoned, something must not be right.
Obama could be involved in multi-level marketing or door-to-door cutlery sales, she suggested, or he could be posing as a Nigerian prince in order to bilk naive Americans of their cash. Whatever his scam is, Clinton vowed to get to the bottom of this as soon as possible. The certainty of her nomination, and democracy itself, may be at stake.
For his part, Obama has been too busy campaigning in key primary states and raising money to personally respond to the story or issue a blanket denial. His staff, however, did issue a scornful statement on the matter, chiding Clinton for her use of "hateful stereotypes" in explaining Obama's fundraising win.
"I don't really think you can honestly say she's racist," said Rev. Al Sharpton, Democratic activist and de-facto arbiter of this sort of thing. "I mean, she's married to a man commonly referred to as 'America's first black President' after all. In my book, she's earned a pass."
However, Clinton did not help matters at a recent debate in New Hampshire when she tackled Obama, beat him with her purse, and declared a citizen's arrest.
"Thief!" shouted Mrs. Clinton as Obama struggled to free himself from her grip. "He's trying to take my precious nomination! Security, taser this man!"
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