Breaking: Giuliani Unveils Bold Idea for New Currency Overhaul

[JeffR]

New York (Reuters) - GOP Presidential hopeful Rudolph Giuliani today proposed a complete overhaul of United States currency. The centerpiece of his proposal is the introduction of a new 911 dollar bill, which Giuliani would enshrine as the nation's new minimum currency denomination, equal in value to exactly 911 current dollars.

In a brief news conference conducted at the gaping hole marking the former site of WTC Building 7, Giuliani campaign spokesperson Nan E. Levin outlined the details of the candidate's new initiative. She also unveiled a mock-up of the new bill, claiming that Giuliani himself had played a major role in its design.

"Mayor Giuliani sees this as a way to shore up consumer confidence and bolster patriotism at the same time. With the precipitous decline in the value of the American dollar, a decline directly attributable to the inevitable fallout of wrongheaded Democrat fiscal policy throughout the Nineties, Mayor Giuliani's proposal will strengthen our currency and the economy as a whole by a factor of 911. Consider it a kind of Super Dollar.

He also proposes that retailers and wholesalers alike be forced to adopt the new denomination as their basis for marketplace pricing. If everything costs a multiple of $911, Americans will be freed from the tyranny of carrying all that change in their pockets. For example, converting into current money, a can of Coke could be priced at $911, and the consumer can simply pull one of the new bills out, make the purchase and, badda-bing, head home to worry about the next terrorist attack. An automobile might cost, say, $18,220,000. A plasma TV, perhaps $2,277,500.

This will also allay concerns in northern border states, where near-parity with the Canadian dollar has been driving consumers to Canadian retailers. With this new denomination, US consumers will no longer bother taking their disposable income north. That and the mayor's plan to erect a northern border fence will effectively eliminate the threat to mainstream American values posed by the communist potheads who unfortunately share this continent with us."

Levin refused to take questions, though she did respond briefly to one reporter's shouted query. Asked if the candidate will call for a constitutional amendment permanently banning Joe Torre from leaving the New York Yankees, Levin responded briskly, "He hasn't ruled it out, but the mayor's top baseball priority is ensuring Sammy Sosa returns to the Rangers. How they ever let him get away is anyone's guess, though the mayor is pretty sure it was Senator Clinton's fault."

[IDemo]

1. Why is Martha Washington's picture on the engraving?

[JeffR]

2. Martha who??

[IDemo]

7. Guess I'd better add '/sarcasm' to my signature line here..

[JeffR]

8. Oops

:hi:

[rucky]

3. Somebody tell Rudy...

when you've given up on the comb-over, it's time to get a haircut.

[AlCzervik]

4. 911endies, less valubale than the Peso.

[rasputin1952]

5. You know...that is pretty darn funny...

:rofl:

Nice work!

[JeffR]

6. I thank you, o mad monk

:)

[RebelSansCause]

9. Did anyone see the Daily Show where...

after that NRA meeting and Rudy took the call, Stewart goes onto describe in great detail Rudy's 911 tourette's syndrome? this post is incredible and it should be added to that episode immediately. then again, i am a sucker for this kind of thing because being a new yorker i am totally cynical about rudy's erm "credentials".

three cheers for you sir. i propose a toast. :toast:

[JeffR]

10. Thanks. And welcome to DU!

:toast:

[NanceGreggs]

11. The nine-eleventy system of currency!!!

It's what the entire nation has been waiting for!!!

[rosesaylavee]

12. "This note is legal tender... well, except to China"

:rofl:

[skipos]

13. Ha! Is there a link to this online? nt

[JeffR]

14. This IS it online

[JeffR]

15. Aw, kick

Because I can...

[krispos42]

16. I love the serial number..

911 666 OMG

:rofl:

And the name of the portrait... "Hogwashington"

:thumbsup:

[Yael]

17. Oh man -- this is hilarious! Good work!

:rofl:

[Eurobabe]

18. DuZY!! LMFAO, those are great graphics Jeff!

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Sent around to all who matter.

[MGKrebs]

19. Brilliant!

[UrbScotty]

20. Oh dear, I am literally LMAO!!!

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl: