The Rude Pundit: Evidence That Jesus Doesn't Give a Sandy Shit About Gay Marriage

[meegbear]

Let's say you're some evangelical nutzoid who needs to show everyone just how much you think the hot dude on dude action is icky. Or chick on chick. Either way, there's matching genitals and an unholy hole in use, and you, being more than likely a closeted queer who has to punish others to overcome your lusty urges 'cause someone told you that Godjesus is gonna get all wrathful on your ass if you don't act, decide to get an anti-gay marriage amendment voted on. So you starts yourself a little organization, tells everyones yer protectifyin' marriages in the Sunshine State of Florida, and gets a whole bunch signatures on petitions so that it can get on the ballot, 611,000 of 'em needed. And then, just when it seems you've got it made, a combination of technology and fuck-ups shows you're 22,000 short. And you've got only two weeks to git 'er done or you ain't gonna get your vote on how everyone wants the homos to die alone. Which is exactly what happened.

Fuck, that's gotta hurt. Seriously, if, say, Jesus was on your side on this, wouldn't he have done some magical sky wizard shit to make sure it happened? As far as signs go, this one's gotta be up there with burning shrubbery about WWJD. Seems like J would say, "Dudes, let it go."

But lettin' it go, that ain't part of the evangelical style. Motherfuckers will keep humping that cause like a tumescent chihuahua fucks a really big sponge, thinking it'll teach that bitch sponge a thing or two about fucking, not realizing a sponge generally doesn't care who or what fucks it. The sponge-humping chihuahuas over at the Family Research Council demonstrate this on a weekly basis, with their list of things to be prayed over by we members of the Super-Duper Prayer Team. The Rude Pundit joined the SDPT under a nom de rude, and he receives his prayification orders in his e-mail in-box.

This week, the FRCSDPT is supposed to kneel and supplicate to Godjesus about the Florida marriage amendment. Our script: "May God stir up His church in Florida to get the necessary petitions and motivate people across America to help with financial support and encouragement to Floridian believers. May the Amendment be placed on the ballot and may Florida become one of many states that have enshrined one-man, one-woman marriage in its Constitution." Thing is, if God was really that damn concerned about stirring up his church, would he have made it a desperate last minute scramble for the pathetic losers involved to get their hate enshrined?

Bizarrely, the FRC suggests a reading from Matthew 19, which goes a little something like, "'Haven't you read,' he replied, 'that at the beginning the Creator "made them male and female..."'" That's from a passage on divorce. In fact, it's in answer to the question, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?" So, is the marriage amendment really a way, a backdoor way, if you will, for gays and lesbians to avoid the pain of divorce? Or are they just fuckin' stupid all around?

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