The red phone rings at 3 a.m. President Clinton fumbles for the bedside lamp:

[Buzz Clik]

(The red phone rings. A light comes on in the White House.)

HILLARY: Hello?

BILL (whispering): Hillary, you've gotta let me in.

HILLARY: Who is this?

BILL (whispering): It's Bill! Look I'm trying to keep away from the Secret Service surveillance cameras and ...

HILLARY: Bill's not here.

(click)

(phone rings)

HILLARY: Hello.

BILL:(whispering louder): Hillary, let me in! Look, the Secret Service is still pissed off about last week. You've gotta let me in!

HILLARY: Who is this?

BILL: It's Bill!

HILLARY: Bill?

BILL: Yeah, Bill!

HILLARY: Bill's not here.

(click)

(the red phone rings)

HILLARY: Hello?

BILL (still whispering, but desperate and frustrated): Hillary. Go over and let me in!

HILLARY: Hmmmf? Whuh?

BILL: Let me in!

HILLARY: Who is this?

BILL: It's Bill! Look, I've got about 30 seconds before that big fucker with the Uzi shows up ....

HILLARY: Bill? Bill's not here...

BILL (shouting): No, God damn it! I'm Bill!

(An alarm sounds. The White House grounds are lit up with bright lights. Dogs start barking)

(click)

(the bedroom light goes out)

HILLARY (chuckling): Bill's not here.

=================
my apologies to Cheech and Chong

[rocktivity]

1. ..

:headbang:
rocknation

[dkf]

2. lol.

Yeah that is who we want to handle a crisis at 3 a.m...the person who is hallucinating about being shot at due to sleep deprivation.

[Medusa]

3. If Bill tries to come sneaking in at 3am,

Hillary would probably hurl the lamp at him.

[Buzz Clik]

6. Actually, it would be a solid silver, Paul Revere trash can.

(from the book, No Way to Treat a First Lady)

[adoraz]

4. I feel pretty dumb, but I don't think I get it.

[dkf]

5. Tomcat Bill.

[Cessna Invesco Palin]

7. I wrote this a while back...

A theoretical 3AM exchange between President (shudder) John McCain and Secretery of Defense (double-shudder) Joe Lieberman. Edited slightly from the original...

The phone rings at 3:00AM in the White House...

John McCain: Uhh... huh? I didn't order a pizza.

Secretery of Defense Joe Lieberman: No Pizza, sir. It's me, Joe. We have a situation.

JM: Anchovies, Joe? No, I hate goddamn anchovies.

JL: Sir, it's me! We have a situation.

JM: Situation?!? Hot damn! Hold on Joe, let me find my Bombing Cap.

JL: Your what?

JM: Bombing Cap! You know how some people have a thinking cap? Cindy! Where's my bombing cap?

Cindy McCain: On the nightstand, by my Xanax. Same place as always.

JL: Sir, I haven't even told you what this is about yet.

JM: Got my bombing cap on now, Joe. Who we gonna bomb today?

JL: Sir, we don't need to bomb anybody. There's been an uprising in the capital of Myanmar, and...

JM: Myanwhat now?

JL: Myanmar. It used to be Burma.

JM: Like the shaving gel?

JL: No, sir. The Myanmarese are claiming that rebels...

JM: Myanmarese? Sure that's what they're called? Not Myanmartians, or Myanaise?

JL: Sir, can we please stick to the topic? This is an important...

JM: Gooks? Can we call them gooks?

JL: ...situation and we need to have an apropriate response.

JM: RARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!

JL: Come again, sir?

JM: It's called getting yourself PSYCHED FOR BATTLE, Lieberman! Try it with me! RRRRRRARRRRRRRR...

JL: Um... Rarrrrrrrr...

JM: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHH!

JL: Arrrrrrrgh.

JM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHH!

JM: Sir, could we get back to the Myanmar situation?

JM: Those Myanmartians! I've never forgiven them for the death of my son! RRARRRRRRRRGH! AAAARRRRH!

JL: Sir, I think you're getting them confused with the Klingons in Star Trek III.

JM: WE'LL BOMB THEM TOO! RARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

JL: The Klingons? Sir we can't bomb...

JM: Joe, I didn't make you my SecDef so you could go around NOT BOMBING PEOPLE.

JL: ...fictional characters.

JM: Well then can we bomb William Shatner's house?

JL: Certainly sir.

JM: Make it so, number one.

[Buzz Clik]

8. LOL! Fantastic!