Guam. Guam! Guuaaaaaaaaaaaammmmm. - Democratic Underground

phrigndumass

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Sun Apr-20-08 11:02 AM
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Guam. Guam! Guuaaaaaaaaaaaammmmm.

The 2008 Guam Democratic territorial convention will take place on May 3, 2008. Four pledged delegates are at stake. The entire Democratic primary hinges on this very important contest! Unfortunately I won't be able to follow the results from extremely close race, because May 3 is the maternal unit's birthday. So we know where my priorities are (my mama would be proud!).

We can track the results at this link. Remember to refresh often, as the numbers will most certainly fly in.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guam_Democratic_territorial_convention%2C_2008

Guam is actually named for a large breed of ferocious animals that lived on the island until they were hunted to extinction by Chuck Norris.

ABOUT GUAM

Guam is a gigantic island located in the South Pacific, hidden somewhere in the Mariana Islands (not to be confused with the Marinara Islands whose inhabitants are much more savory and delicious). The Marianas were named after Queen Mariana of Spain and Guam itself was named after her 3' tall toothless servant Bonafacio Isidro Pinche Del Guamo. After Queen Mariana left the island chain to return to her own people, Del Guamo stayed, with the express intention of forming his own colony, where he could practise voodoo.

Guam was acquired by Spain in the 1500's and for 400 years the island was mistaken for the Philippines by various aliens on shore leave. Recently, the indigenous population has been involved in the continuing battle to have themselves recognized by the United States, although for some reason the mainland STILL thinks of them as Filipinos.

Guam is recognized internationally as a breeding farm for Iron Man competitions.

THE HISTORY OF GUAM

It was sometime in 1823 that Oprah landed on Guam, bound for the East Indies with a boat full of slaves, pirate gold and small children named Simon. There, she subjugated the island to her will, changing the native custom of slaughtering black chickens to the black art of resurrecting the dead. It has been rumoured that this was so she could travel back in time, but this has never been proven.

Soon enough there were enough zombies in Guam to require a changing of the Constitution. Where it once said "all men are created equal in the eyes of God", it now reads "all creatures are formed and re-formed, gooey and screaming, equal in the eyes of their creator, the mad witch".

Due to the unsanitary and often downright dangerous working conditions on Guam, the 21st century has seen increasing numbers of zombies travelling to the United States of America searching for a better life. Unlike their earlier predecessors, who faced ridicule, bullying, and gunshot wounds to the cranium, the "No More Room In Hell Act" has allowed them to stand up and fall apart, pround to be who they are.

KUCINICH ACTUALLY WON THE GUAM PRIMARY

With a campaign infrastructure that has been firmly entrenched in this Pacific Island for well over a year, Kucinich scored what his supporters termed "A hard won victory, with tremendous ramifications for our candidate, and ultimately the nomination to represent the Democratic Party in this fall's election."

Kucinich had installed a staff of twelve people in Guam for over two years, and his candidacy had been heavily supported by the Governor of Guam Felix Perez Camacho and House of Representatives member Madelline Z. Bordallo.

Camacho had this to say to reporters: "Dennis has promised to unite this country more closely to the United States in several ways, most importantly by building a bridge from San Diego to our beautiful island paradise, and this is what we need most."

Representative Bordallo echoed the governor's words by saying: "And Dennis will also work hard to make sure our country is as successful as the legacy he left in Cleveland, Ohio, when he was mayor of that country, even though Cleveland had to declare bankruptcy after he left office."

Guam has a population of 173,000 and the vote totals were as follows: Turnout was estimated to be 4%.

Dennis Kucinich 6,356 votes
Hillary Clinton 548 votes
Barrack Obama 312 votes
Elvis Presley 1,238 votes (annual write in candidate)

Although there are no delegates that can actually nominate at the party's convention, Kucinich appeared ecstatic at his campaign celebration shortly after ABC news called the contest a victory for Kucinich.

Standing (on a stool) at the podium of the Hyatt Regency in Hagatna (Agana), the capital of Guam, Kucinich said "I am well pleased to secure this most important victory for our campaign, now it's off to the Island of Chuuk in the Federated Islands of Micronesia, I am extremely confident in a big victory there as well."

YOUR SENATOR IS A LEVEL 70 DWARF PRIEST

Your senator is probably an adulterous, lying, cheating piece of shit. But if you live on Guam, well, one of your senators is totally awesome. Sen. Ray Tenorio is a level 70 Dwarf Priest in WoW, whose name is Paleray, and who's a member of the Knights of the Marianas on the Silverhand server. And before the dude got hooked on WoW, he was a badass Diablo II player, "where he had several top-level characters of various classes". Taxpayer-funded level-grinding? We can only hope so.

Guam is where they make guam-comole.