Regarding Conflict Resolution

[H2O Man]

Re: Differences of opinion.

Years ago, while I was employed in my first social work position, I had the opportunity to meet a group of people who were involved in the Alternatives To Violence program. Most of the group I got to know were Quakers, who did volunteer work in the jails and prisons in the New York-New Jersey area. I spent a significant amount of time with them, and found that their program helped me not only in my work in jails, and with domestic violence groups, but also in my own life.

I remember that some of the Quakers introduced this set of guidelines to the Haudenosaunee, or People of the Long House. It was funny, because the Clan Mothers said, "Oh yes, this is our system, too. It is part of the Power of the Good Mind." Some things were added as the program evolved, and so this is why I'm going to post two sections.

I benefit from reading and re-reading these from time to time. There are times when I wish that I had relied upon them when I have instead been prone to being angry or short-tempered. But that is part of being human. The opportunity to try presents itself to us every day.

Maybe others on DU will find some of this of interest. This is taken from my notes from more than twenty years ago.

Anytime two (or more) people are involved in any form of relationship, there are bound to be differences of opinion. If certain behaviors occur while those differences are discussed, it can lead to understanding and respect; other behaviors always lead to unnecessary arguments and hostility, and even violence. The following guidelines are useful in facilitating a discussion of differences in a way that leads to a minimum of aggravation, and focuses on arriving at an understanding that differences of opinion are okay. When we recognize that different opinions should not be seen as a problem that needs to be resolved, we have taken a large step forward.

(1) Clarify as much as possible the nature of the differences.
(2) Do not bring in irrelevant material. This includes: do not bring up past mistakes; and do not cite other people's behavior. When irrelevant material is brought into a discussion by another person, do not try to address it. Either say, "That has nothing to do with this discussion," or ignore it and get back to the issue at hand.
(3) Do not be accusatory in any way. Do not label or call people names. The best examples are "that's stupid," or worse, "you're stupid."
(4) Do not attempt to blame the other person for anything.
(5) Be careful not to give in to the urge to be hostile, condescending, irritable, or sarcastic.
(6) If the discussion is "face-to-face," rather than on an internet site, try to speak in a medium tone. Speaking too softly or too loudly is disrespectful.


Part Two
(1) Seek to resolve differences by reaching common ground.
(2) Reach for something good in the person(s) you are having a conflict with.
(3) Listen before making any judgment.
(4) Base your position on truth, to the best of your ability.
(5) Be prepared to revise your position if it is wrong; be willing to admit when you are wrong.
(6) Risk being creative rather than focusing on being "right."
(7) Use surprise and humor.
(8) Be patient and persistent.
(9) Trust your inner self; you know if you are saying something to score "debating points" rather than reconcile differences.
(10) Build community based on honesty, respect, and hope for a better future.



The last point is that if you want to apologize to another person, it does not mean that you were wrong, or that you agree with the other person. It can simply mean that you do not wish to fight. This is equally true if someone makes an apology to you.

I've posted these on DU at other times, and some people have said they found them helpful. I think that it might be worth people on DU’s GD-P giving them some consideration. Of course, some will not read this post; others will consider it nonsense; and still others will only recognize others’ behavior as a potential problem. That’s okay. I recognize they are as important for me, as for any inmate I ever worked with. We are all "prisoners" from time to time.

[undeterred]

1. Thank you for posting these.

I think that people have a higher motivation to work things out in real life than on a messageboard but those are some very good ideas.

If I could highlight one, it would be saying I'm sorry. Be willing to admit you are wrong. I don't know why this is so hard, but it is. People don't offer forgiveness, ask for forgiveness, or accept forgiveness nearly as often as they should. And a little goes a long way.

[myrna minx]

2. K&R for this much needed wisdom. n/t

[DemReadingDU]

3. Thank you, bookmarking so I refer back to them

[KoKo]

4. That's great advice...and we would all do well to "copy & print" and tack to Fridge Door

or other spot like "bathroom mirror" where every day when we wake up we see it. It's a great guideline.

My only quibble is that those who don't "remember the past are doomed to repeat it" but having been at many meetings about a crucial, imperative issue that needs to be resolved ASAP...there are always those who pipe up with "but this is what happened when we did X, Y or Z." Sadly...I was always inclined to listen to them. Otherwise ...all else you say are great points ...because they come up in every meeting one goes to whether it's in an Animal Shelter voting on issues or our Local, State and US Government.

It's possible to adhere to tightly to the guidelines...but wise leaders know when to bend.

Kick!