I think we need a bit of humor this weekend: Post your favorite Bush jokes!

[Writer]

Before his 2001 inauguration, George Bush was invited to a get acquainted tour of the White House.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Clinton 's personal bathroom, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.

That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. 'Just think,' he said, 'when I am president, I could have a gold urinal too.
But I wouldn't do something that self-indulgent!'

Later when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill . . . "I found out who pissed in your Saxophone."


Bah-dum CRASH!

Post your own.

[dubeskin]

1. Wanna hear a joke?

George W. Bush

:rofl:

[Writer]

2. LOL!

:thumbsup:

[cbc5g]

3. "If this were a dictatorship, it would be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I'm the dictator"

[Exilednight]

4. Thank god he's not a dictator, but unfortunately he is a dick. n/t

[UrbScotty]

5. I got two

A priest lay dying in a hospital.

For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see President Bush and Vice President Cheney before I die," said the priest. "I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to the White House and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived. Bush and Cheney would be delighted to visit the Priest.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Bush's hand in his right hand and Cheney's hand in his left. There was silence and a Look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally President Bush spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

The old priest continued... "He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same."

----------------

They call him 'W' so he can spell it.

[anonymous171]

10. ...

:spray: Good one!

[Aloha Spirit]

6. Secretary of Defense Robert Gates is giving the president his daily briefing.

Secretary of Defense Robert Gates is giving the president his daily briefing.

He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

[frogcycle]

7. a turd in the hand

is worth two of george bush

[iamjoy]

8. Heaven and Hell (long)

After a long life, George Dubya Bush dies of natural causes. His soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem: We seldom see a Republican around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer," says Dubya.
"I'd like to, but I have orders from the Man Himself," says St. Peter. "He says you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."

"But, I've already made up my mind; I want to be in Heaven," Dubya answers.

St. Peter shakes his head. "I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and Dubya goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course; the sun is shining in a cloudless sky, the temperature a perfect 72 degrees. In the distance is a beautiful clubhouse. Standing in front of it his dad and thousands of other Republicans who had helped him out over the years: Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, Jerry Falwell. The whole of the "Right" is here, everyone laughing, happy; casually but expensively dressed. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at expense of the "suckers and peasants." They play a friendly game of golf, then dine on lobster and caviar.

The Devil himself comes up to Dubya with a frosty drink. "Have a margarita and relax, Dubya!" he grins.

"Uh, I can't drink no more, I took a pledge," says Dubya dejectedly.

"Aw, this is Hell, son! You can drink and eat all you want and not worry," says the Devil. "It just gets better from here!" Dubya takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who is a very friendly guy who tells funny jokes and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like a Yale Skull and Bones brother with real horns. They are having such a great time that, before he realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Dubya steps on the elevator and heads upward.

The elevator door reopens on Heaven and St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate. So for 24 hours Dubya is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money, and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or frat-boy joke among them; no fancy country clubs and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor; he doesn't see anybody he knows, and he isn't even treated like someone special! Worst of all, to Dubya, Jesus turns out to be some kind of Jewish hippie with his endless 'peace' and 'do unto others' jive. "Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself, "Pat Robertson never prepared me for this!"

The day done, St. Peter returns. "Well, then," he says, "you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity."

With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background, Dubya reflects for a minute, then answers, "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell. The doors of the elevator open, and Dubya finds himself in the middle of barren, scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste...kind of like Houston. He is horrified to see all of his friends dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

The Devil comes over to Dubya and puts an arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers a shocked Dubya. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar and drank booze. We screwed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"

The Devil looks at him and smiles slyly. "Yesterday we were campaigning," he purrs. "Today you voted for us."

[AuntPatsy]

11. wow, funny but how true....

[derby378]

13. Oh, great...

Right after I posted my version, I see you've already beat me to it! Waaah.

[DerekJ]

14. LOL

[derby378]

9. I got one for ya...

While walking down Pennsylvania Avenue one day, George Bush drops dead from choking on a pretzel. His soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom know what to do with a Republican in these parts, and this goes double for you."

"No problem - just let me in. I'm a believer," says Dubya.

"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself. He says you must spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you can choose where you'll live for eternity."

"But, I've already made up my mind; I want to be in Heaven!"

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts George to an elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course. The sun is shining in a cloudless sky, and the temperature is a perfect 72 degrees.

In the distance is a beautiful clubhouse. Standing in front of it is his dad, and thousands of other Republicans who had helped him out over the years - Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, Ken Lay, Jerry Falwell - the whole of the "Right" was there - everyone laughing, happy, casually but expensively dressed. It's like a spread in Vanity Fair.

They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at expense of the "suckers and peasants." They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

The Devil himself comes up to Bush with a frosty drink; "Have a Margarita and relax, George!"

"Uh no, I can't drink no more, I took the pledge," says Junior dejectedly.

"This is Hell, son; you can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it just gets better from there!"

Dubya takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly guy who tells funny jokes and pulls hilarious, nasty pranks, kind of like a Yale Skull and Bones brother with real horns. They are having such a great time that, before he realizes it, it's time to go.

Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Georgie steps on the elevator and heads upward.

When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.

And so, for the next for 24 hours, George W. Bush is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money, and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or frat-boy joke among them; no fancy country clubs and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people aren't super-rich, he doesn't see anybody he knows, and he isn't even treated like someone special.

Worst of all, to Dubya, Jesus turns out to be some kind of Jewish hippie with his endless "peace" and "do unto others" jive.

"Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself, "Pat Robertson never prepared me for this!"

The day done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now you must choose where you want to live for eternity."

With the Jeopardy theme playing softly in the background, Dubya reflects for a minute, then answers, "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this - I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all, but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."

So Saint Peter escorts George W. Bush to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with flames, garbage, and toxic industrial waste - it looks like a cross between Auschwitz, Love Canal, and the last day of Pompeii. He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime. He then notices the demons standing guard behind them, sodomizing them with heated dildos if they move too slowly.

The Devil come over and puts an arm around Bush's shoulder.

"I don't understand!" stammers a shocked Dubya, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse and we drank and ate caviar. I drank booze. We screwed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us."

[rocktivity]

12. I wouldn't be caught dead serving in a military commanded by George Bush

Because I would be caught dead serving in a military commanded by George Bush!


rocknation

[derby378]

15. Why does Laura Bush always get on top during sex?

Because George W. Bush always fucks up. :evilgrin:

[lisa58]

16. lol

[Hippo_Tron]

17. Where to start? I've got a brazillion of them

[lisa58]

18. Thanks Writer - this was a good idea!

[seasat]

19. Bush meets Moses

Bush was walking through the airport with his secret service detail when he notices Moses standing next to window watching the planes take off.

"Hey, Moses!" Bush hollers. "I'm big fan of yours. How're ya doin'?"

Moses says nothing and continues staring out the window.

"Moses, maybe you didn't recognize me. It's me president George Bush. I'm adored by the religious right here in the US. I wanted to talk with you."

Moses says nothing and continues staring out the window.

"Look here Moses, I won't be ignored. I'm really important. Why won't you even look at me?", pleads Bush.

Mose says nothing and continues staring out the window.

Bush's face turns red and he stomps off in a huff.

A little kid sees the whole incident and walks up to Moses.

"Hey Moses. How come you didn't talk to the president?", asks the kid.

"Well kid, the last time I talked to a Bush, it burst into flame and I was lost in a desert for 40 years."

[L0oniX]

20. Too many OB/GYN’s aren’t able to practice their love with women all across this country.

:evilgrin:

[frogcycle]

21. "Balls! "said the Queen

If i had to, I could be King!
The King laughed, because he had to.

George Bush laughed, because he didn't understand and always laughs inappropriately.

[globalvillage]

22. Clocks in Heaven

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's President Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

[globalvillage]

23. What kind of kittens are they?

George w. Bush is running one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box.

Curious, he runs over to the child and says, "What's in the box kid?"
The little boy says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens."

George W. laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?"
"Republicans," the child says.

"Oh that's cute," George W. says and he runs off.

A couple of days later George is running with his buddy Dick Cheney and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead.

George W. says to Dick, "You gotta check this out" and they both jog over to the boy with the box.

George W. says, "Look in the box Dick, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey kid tell my friend Dick what kind of kittens they are."
The boy replies, "They're Democrats."

"Whoa!", George W. says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Republicans. What's up?"

"Well," the kid says, "Their eyes are open now"

[shugah]

24. Tea with the QUeen

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.

Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

The Queen calls Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put his staff to the test. Bush summons Rumsfeld to the White House and says, "Rummy, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Rumsfeld hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" He immediately calls a meeting of other Republicans, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, he calls Colin Powell and explains his problem.

"Now lookee here, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Rumsfeld rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb sh*t, it's Tony Blair!"

[CrispyQ]

25. ...

Air Force One crashed somewhere in the Great Plains. The Secret Service arrived at the scene to find only the smoldering wreckage of the plane, but no survivors or victims. There was however, a lone farmer plowing the field next to the crash.

They summoned the farmer. “Exucse me sir, we are with the Secret Service. Air Force One cashed in the field over there. Did you see anything?”

“Oh yes, I saw it all,” the farmer said calmly.

“What did you see?” the Secret Service asked.

“I saw the plane fall from the sky & crash into that field,” replied the farmer.

“Where are the people, the bodies?”

“I buried them. They were all dead.”

“The president is dead?” they asked him, incredulously.

“Well he said he wasn’t but you know what a liar he is.”

[alterfurz]

26. A fundamentalist, an idiot, and a war criminal walk into a bar...

...and the bartender says, "What'll it be, Mr. President?"

[Guava Jelly]

27. Tips From Ghosts of Presidents Past

One night, George W. Bush is awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Bush asks: "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moves through the dark bedroom. "Tom," W asks, "what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," Jefferson advises.

Bush isn't sleeping well the next night, and sees another figure moving in the shadows. It's Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush asks. Abe answers: "Go see a play."

[backscatter712]

28. You hear that the George W. Bush Presidential Library burned down?

It was a terrible tragedy! They lost both books, and he'd only finished coloring one of them...