Hillary's Editorial, Delivered on Television, Amy Poehler Style

[Berry Cool]

Because Saturday Night Live's season is now over, and Amy Poehler and the writers can't do this themselves, I thought I'd present my idea of how Amy Poehler would deliver Hillary Clinton's editorial to the New York Daily News explaining why she's still campaigning:

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This past Friday, during a meeting with a newspaper editorial board, I was asked about whether I was going to continue in the presidential race. I made clear that I was--and that I thought the urgency to end the 2008 primary process was unprecedented. Perhaps that is because some people are, well, sick of seeing my face and hearing my voice on their TVs. I can certainly understand that. But I have to say that I cannot agree with their position that I should drop out of the race simply because they have tired of what they consider my increasingly desperate approach to winning the office of the presidency. There is far too much at stake for me to quit this race just because some people are so annoyed by me that they're ready to scream.

I pointed out, as I have before, that both my husband's primary campaign, and Senator Robert Kennedy's, had continued into June. Almost immediately, some took my comments entirely out of context and interpreted them to mean something completely different--and completely unthinkable. I want to set the record straight: I never intended to give anyone the impression that I was hoping that my opponent, Senator Barack Obama, would be assassinated in June, thus clearing the path to my nomination once and for all. I was making the simple point that given our history, the length of this year's primary contest is nothing unusual. Also, as unpleasant as it may be to think about, it is not unprecedented in our nation's history for a presidential candidate to, well, be lost to us as late as June, which means it would be crucially important for the Democratic party to have a candidate remaining who would be ready for the nomination on Day One. I believe myself to be that candidate.

I was deeply dismayed and disturbed that my comment would be construed in a way that flies in the face of everything I stand for. I am especially disturbed that some people seemed to think I was HOPING for Senator Obama to be removed from the race by any means necessary. Oh dear--I just used the phrase "by any means necessary," which may remind some of you of another assassination, that of Malcolm X. Please accept my fervent apologies, and repeat my belief that the assassination of Malcolm X was a great tragedy for our country, and that I thoroughly disapprove of such assassinations, even when the target is a controversial African American, rather like Senator Obama.

And today, I would like to more fully answer the question I was asked: Why do I continue to run, even in the face of calls from pundits and politicians for me to leave this race? I am running because I still believe I can win on the merits. Because, you see, I still think I am the better candidate, even if the voters don't.

I am not unaware of the challenges or the odds of my securing the nomination--but this race remains extraordinarily close. After all, once you disregard how far behind I am in the delegate count, and tally up only the voters in the states that voted for me, and count all the hundreds of thousands of people in upcoming primaries who are still waiting to vote for me, you have to admit that there is still a razor-thin possibility that I might win. As I have said so many times over the course of this primary, if Senator Obama wins the nomination, I will support him and work my heart out for him against John McCain. But that has not happened yet--and, as I said above, even if it does, well, ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN. (wink wink)

I am running because I believe staying in this race will help unite the Democratic Party--if, in no other way, in its personal contempt for me. After a year and a half of seeing and hearing me stump day after day for their vote, only to see me end my campaign at the last possible hour, one thing all Democrats should be able to do is breathe a collective sigh of relief that I have finally quit campaigning.

I believe that if Senator Obama and I both make our case--and all Democrats have the chance to make their voices heard, even in the states that didn't follow the primary rules but voted for me--except for the ones in the caucus states, because they don't count--in the end, everyone will be more likely to rally around the nominee, who will, I believe, be me.

I am running because my parents did not raise me to be a quitter--and too many people still come up to me at my events, grip my arm and urge me not to walk away before this contest is over. Quite frankly, they scare me. I mean, sometimes they have gripped my arm pretty hard. They have said, "Hillary, if you don't keep running, I don't know WHAT I'm liable to do." It's little wonder that I feel obligated to stay in the race because I fear the consequences of disappointing them.

I am running for all those women in their 90s who've told me they were born before women could vote, and they want to live to see a woman in the White House. They don't care who it is. It could be me; it could be Tonya Harding. What matters is that they want to see someone with a vagina sitting in the Oval Office. And I feel obligated to make that dream come true for them.

And for the little girls--and little boys--whose parents lift them onto their shoulders at our rallies, and whisper in their ears, "See, you can be anything you want to be." They couldn't possibly learn the same lesson from seeing a black man elected president. They could only learn it from seeing a woman be elected. From Barack Obama they will only learn the lesson: "To be president, it doesn't matter whether you're black or white, all that matters is whether you have a schlong." Am I right, ladies?? Huh??

I am running for all the men and women I meet who wake up every day and work hard to make a difference for their families. You know, hard-working white people. I believe I won a 40-point victory two weeks ago in West Virginia and a 35-point victory in Kentucky this past week--despite voters being repeatedly told this race is over--because I'm standing up for hard-working white people who won't vote for a black president. If these people don't have a white candidate to vote for, they are effectively being disenfranchised! Is that fair? I don't think so. I am staying in the race so these hard-working people have someone white to vote for.

Finally, I am running because I believe I'm the strongest candidate to stand toe-to-toe with Senator McCain. Delegate math might not favor me--but electoral math does. And whatver form of math favors me--electoral math, differential equations, Base 5--I don't care. I'm willing to respect it if it will give me the nomination.

But no matter what happens in this primary, I am committed to unifying this party. That means I have to stick around, because if anything unfortunate should happen to Senator Obama--I'm not saying it will, or that I want it to, I'm just saying it MIGHT--the party is going to need to rally around someone. And I believe that someone should be me. Not only that, but I see no reason to wait until something happens to Senator Obama for that to happen. I think the risk of it happening alone makes a strong enough case for the party to rally around me. So that's what I'm asking everyone to do now: Rally around me, and make me the nominee, BEFORE you have no other choice left.

And, one other thing: Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!

[gateley]

1. I think we know what your day job is. Perfect. nt