18 Things I've Learned from Hillary Clinton's Campaign

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Wed May-28-08 09:01 PM
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18 Things I've Learned from Hillary Clinton's Campaign

1) Caucuses are heavily biased against people with the last name "Clinton" unless it's 1992.

2) You can be ready on "Day 1" after spending the vast majority of the campaign playing "catch-up" because you weren't ready on "Day 1".

3) There is absolutely no chance in hell there might be video from a superpower's First Lady visiting a foreign country in the latter part of the 20th century.

4) Brushing your shoulders is the international sign for "Women belong in the kitchen barefoot and pregnant!".

5) Primaries, like the card game Hearts, are won by the person with the lowest score.

6) Being classy toward your primary opponent when she makes a verbal gaffe is evidence that a person is going out of their way to attack you for making the gaffe.

7) If your opponent and his friend share strategies, it's "plagiarism". If you start using your opponent's stump lines, you are merely being "adaptive".

8) It is rude to point out that being offered the second slot on the ticket when you are the front runner is kinda funny and desperate looking.

9) Those media guys that accused you and your husband of everything from drug running, to embezzlement, to murder are really just nice guys who had honest differences of opinion from when you were last in the White House and you can trust them.

10) The primary rules that you agreed to when you threw your hat into the ring were actually just suggestions and can be altered 89% of the way through the process if it's convenient.

11) Talking about real people's problems and how they respond to adversity and feelings of impotence is "elitist" if you say it in San Francisco.

12) When someone asks why you stay in a race, a perfectly appropriate response should include the word "assassinated" (presumably, "plane crashes", "sudden unexplained adult death syndrome" and "spontaneous combustion" are likewise appropriate in the response).

13) African-Americans have it easier than any other group in the country. Being born black in the USA is like being born into the royal family.

14) Our country has serious financial troubles, therefore, the best person to take the reins of the economy is someone who is having serious financial troubles on the campaign trail.

15) Words are meaningless unless those words are "bitter" or "57"?

16) Your spouse's accomplishments and capabilities are your own. (Remind me the next time I call my doctor and be told she's booked up, I can ask for her husband to take a couple of minutes out of his accounting job to diagnose my health issue)

17) A good strategy for winning the party primary is to praise the opposition party's candidate as being a better choice than your fellow party members.

18) Having nearly two decades of media exposure, name recognition, a nice war chest, many insider connections, a popular ex-president for a husband, and the party machinery behind you is the political equivalent of swimming the English Channel as a triple amputee with a concrete swimsuit during a hurricane.

(okay....I'm bored now) enjoy.