Since we may never get a _real_ debate, here's a fictional one. Certain things might make more sense if you read
this first.
********************
(
On a nondescript soundstage stand three podiums. Behind one stands a skinny guy with big ears and a funny name who nevertheless looks pretty sharp in a dark suit with a slightly adventurous yet still subtle tie. Behind the center podium stands a woman of a certain age wearing a brown suit with a discreet plaid pattern. Behind the third podium is nobody. Upon closer inspection, all three podia are displaying a seal which appears to depict a the head of a multicolored snake wearing an enigmatic yet mischevious smile.
The skinny guy appears relaxed, if somewhat curious about the strange surroundings. He leans on the podium with one elbow as he watches the woman in the center speaking into her earpiece.)
PLAIDDER: Yeah, I know there's a @W@#$!! economic crisis. Anyone in this country with a #@$! bank account knows there's an economic crisis. That's why I want to see his patriotic venerable honor-gilded ass show up and explain to me what is @#$! plan is for getting us out of this hole!
OBAMA: Now now, Ms. Adder, there's no need to get so excited.
PLAIDDER: I don't know the hell YOU stay this mellow. Where have you put YOUR money? Inside one of Sasha's stuffed animals?
OBAMA: I understand your concern. Believe me. The danger is real, and we must act decisively, and act soon. But if we agree to a bailout that provides billions for Wall Street and nothing for Main Street--
PLAIDDER: I'm sorry, Senator, I'm going to have to cut you off there, we can't start the debate before your opponent gets here. (Into the earpiece) Yes, very interesting. Now shut up and send him over. (Pause.) I don't care. This is my fantasy debate, it's my brain, and I say that the Senator is not excused.
(Behind the third podium, a white-haired, bewildered-looking man in a suit and tie suddenly materializes)
PLAIDDER: (into earpiece) Thank you and goodbye. (She removes the earpiece and pockets it.) Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to what for all I know may be the only presidential debate that ever takes place in 2008. Now, after the experience we all had with the Bush/Kerry fantasy debate in 2004, I have made some changes to the format.
OBAMA: Changes?
PLAIDDER: Basically, we're eliminating the electrodes.
OBAMA: (almost, but not quite, momentarily losing his cool) Electrodes?
PLAIDDER: In 2004 I fitted both candidates with a modified polygraph that administered an electric shock to the participant whenever he told a lie. For George W., you know, it seemed appropriate at first--but still, it wasn't pretty. And of course for the two of you it's out of the question. I'm not about to torture someone who spent five years in a POW camp.
MCCAIN: You're saying that applying electrodes to someone and zapping him once in a while is torture?
PLAIDDER: Yes. Wouldn't you?
MCCAIN: Not if the CIA does it.
PLAIDDER: Why not?
MCCAIN: We can't hamstring our operatives in the field by tying them down to some sort of codified policy which would--
PLAIDDER: Which would prevent our government agents from using on our own prisoners techniques which were used to torment you 35 years ago.
(Awkward pause)
PLAIDDER: You know, Senator, I would push you on this but the whole American acceptance of torture as a defensible and unremarkable practice just fills me so full of despair for humanity I can't even stand to talk about it. Except I guess I do want to ask Senator Obama one question.
OBAMA: Go ahead.
PLAIDDER: If you are elected President, are we going to keep torturing people?
OBAMA: No.
PLAIDDER: Jeez, this really IS a fantasy debate. "No?" That's it?
OBAMA: Yes.
PLAIDDER: You wouldn't maybe rather spend ten minutes performing your own marvelously wise and compassionate ability to see all sides of a complex issue before serving up an eloquent yet ultimately noncommittal statement about the need to bring change to Washington?
OBAMA: Well, if it'd make you happy, I could say, "when I'm President, we'll reject torture - without exception or equivocation; we'll close Guantanamo; we'll be the country that credibly tells the dissidents in the prison camps around the world that America is your voice, America is your dream, America is--"
PLAIDDER: You said that in October 2007.
OBAMA: That's why I thought you'd prefer that I not say it again.
PLAIDDER: I would prefer that you said it twice a day before breakfast.
OBAMA: Maybe I do. How would you know? This isn't a campaign issue any more, as far as the media are concerned. To get them to cover it I'd have to somehow work in a colorful folk idiom that could be misconstrued as a sexist comment about Governor Palin.
(PLAIDDER shudders violently)
PLAIDDER: Please do not speak that name in this place.
OBAMA: My apologies. It won't happen again.
PLAIDDER: Thank you. Senator McCain: you are apparently putting politics aside this week in order to save us all from the impending financial apocalypse?
MCCAIN: Yes.
PLAIDDER: That's delightful. So how are you going to do that?
MCCAIN: By putting aside partisan politics and bringing the Straight Talk Express to Washington.
PLAIDDER: Yes, all right. Look, Senator, I'll level with you: I have some money in the market. I don't need to retire, like, RIGHT NOW, but I'd like to be able to retire SOMEDAY. Plus I would like to be able to send PJ to college. Plus I am not really excited about waking up in the morning to discover that I can't write the check to pay PJ's care provider because the banks have all gone belly-up, the FDIC is out of money because the federal government is bankrupt, and an army of claims adjusters is flying out here from Saudi Arabia and China to seize whatever still has any value. Now I'm not an economist but I have a couple family members in the financial business who are very patient about educating me on this stuff and I am sure that if you explain your plan to me slowly and use a few well-chosen examples to illustrate it I will be able to understand. So please. Tell me. What is your genius maverick plan to save America from all those Washington insiders whose calls you won't return any more?
MCCAIN: What plan?
PLAIDDER: Didn't the House Republicans float some counterproposal that came from your campaign at that White House meeting that--
MCCAIN: No! No! That was not my plan. I have no plan. Who told you I had a plan?
PLAIDDER: So you don't have a plan?
MCCAIN: I will work with both parties to achieve a bipartisan solution that protects American taxpayers.
PLAIDDER: HOW will this bipartisan solution protect American taxpayers?
MCCAIN: My friends, I am no stranger to difficult challenges. When I was living for those five long years in a Vietnamese prison cell--
PLAIDDER: Stop! Stop RIGHT FUCKING THERE!
OBAMA: Ms. Adder, I really don't think there's any call for that kind of language.
PLAIDDER: I think the clarion call for this kind of language was sounded on March 20, 2003 and reverberates to this day. Senator McCain, you know perfectly well that like every other human being in this country I have nothing but respect for the courage and endurance you showed as a prisoner of war in Vietnam. But Senator...you were released when I was four years old. I am now almost 40. I want to know what you are going to do for me, for my family, for my fellow-Americans, for this country, *at this moment.* I'm not saying what you did 35 years ago doesn't matter. I'm saying that if you become president then you will be determining the shape of PJ's future and I need to know what you are going to do NOW.
(McCAIN opens his mouth, but nothing comes out. Then, with a puff of smoke, he disappears.)
PLAIDDER: GET BACK HERE!
OBAMA: Ms. Adder--
PLAIDDER: You stood up to five years of "advanced interrogation" in a Vietnamese prison and you're scared of answering a fucking question in a fucking lunatic's brain? COME BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!
OBAMA: Aren't you curious about what I plan to do to solve this crisis?
PLAIDDER: Of course I am.
OBAMA: Then why not ask me?
PLAIDDER: Because frankly, Senator Obama, I'm afraid that when I do you're going to come out with more BS about Wall Street and Main Street that sounds nice but does nothing to address my growing fear that _you_ don't know what the hell to do about this mess either.
OBAMA: Well, you could give in to that fear, or you could give me the chance to surprise you.
PLAIDDER: This would involve feeling that 'hope' thing you keep talking about.
OBAMA: Probably.
PLAIDDER: I hope you will understand that after eight years of hell under this administration my hope button is pretty much busted.
OBAMA: Still. Would you like to know my plan? Because I do have one.
PLAIDDER: Yes. I would like to know your plan. And I sure hope it's brilliant. Because frankly, if you are not much, much smarter than I am, I think htis country is pretty well screwed.
OBAMA: First of all, we must restore real Congressional oversight and we must create a new regulatory structure for the the financial sector to prevent--
PLAIDDER: Oh my God.
OBAMA: I beg your pardon?
PLAIDDER: I've heard it. I mean I've read it. I've read it AND heard it cause I do watch those little YouTube videos sometimes. I know the whole thing: better accountability, transparency, oversight, regluation for the 21st century...and who can argue with any of it, especially from the point of view of ensuring that it never happens again. But...all right, you and the rest of Congress are about to hand over $700 billion to the investment banking industry. Is that the right thing to do? Is it even going to work? If not, what DO we do? To hell with 'never again,' how do we get out of THIS hole NOW?
OBAMA: Sounds like you want the truth.
PLAIDDER: I do not think that I *want* the truth, but nevertheless I am asking for it.
OBAMA: The truth is, there may not be too much we can do to avert the coming disaster.
PLAIDDER: You bastard.
OBAMA: You see how far this kind of thing gets a candidate.
PLAIDDER: I'm sorry. Do go on.
OBAMA: The story is basically this: the wealth these institutions thought they had was generated through a shocking combination of greed, incompetence, and fraud, and therefore never _really_ existed. Now when you've blown up a bubble like that you can keep it from bursting as long as there is always someone else willing to pay for this worthless financial instrument you have created. But somehow, somewhere, someone who's bought one of these things will hold onto it for too long or look at it too closely and discover that it has no actual value, and then the whole thing collapses. Once the pin pricks that bubble, all the trillions in the world can't repair it.
PLAIDDER: So you're going to vote for this bailout anyway why?
OBAMA: Because if we don't do something, it will trigger a panic in the market that will make the crisis worse than it has to be.
PLAIDDER: So basically we're giving the market $700 billion because otherwise it will throw a tantrum.
OBAMA: Capitalism runs on confidence. Money can't make money unless it's lent out at interest, and if the banks are too scared to do that then the whole machine grinds to a halt. I can see your brain from here, you know. I know you know that.
PLAIDDER: But it just seems kind of nuts to me. It's like the market is holding itself hostage. "Give me all your money now or else I'm gonna give it to me right in the DOW!"
OBAMA: The market's holding us all hostage, Ms. Adder. But I do have a plan to make the downturn we're headed for less painful for the American taxpayer.
PLAIDDER: Different from the...well, I hate to call all your beautiful rhetoric 'boilerplate,' but from shall we say what you have outlined on your website?
OBAMA: Of course. I mean if you were me, would you put your _entire_ agenda on your campaign website?
PLAIDDER: I guess not. So what IS your secret plan?
OBAMA: When I am elected president, I will--
(A scuffle is heard offstage. The earsplitting sound of a moose's death scream echoes throughout the synapses. The sound of platform heels is heard clicking toward the podium.)
PLAIDDER: Oh no.
(SARAH PALIN strides up to the podium, tosses her hair back over her shoulder, and stacks her index cards neatly in front of her.)
PALIN: My fellow Americans. My running mate John McCain is soooo busy saving America that he could not be here to debate my opponent. So I am just tickled to be here to do it for him.
OBAMA: I'm not going to debate you, Governor Palin.
PALIN: What's the matter, are you afraid of my awesome executive experience?
OBAMA: I'm not running against you and I'm not going to debate you. Goodbye.
(He exits. PLAIDDER watches him go with great distress.)
PALIN: Gee. Those community organizers sure get discouraged easily.
(She grins at PLAIDDER, expecting her to laugh. However, the look on PLAIDDER's face seems to give her pause.)
PLAIDDER: Governor Palin. Welcome to our little chat.
PALIN: Glad to be here, Plaid. Can I call you Plaid?
PLAIDDER: (sweetly) Only if I can call you Sarah.
PALIN: Well, Plaid, I'm 100% ready to answer all your questions without blinking. I have that readiness. That's why--
PLAIDDER: Well, Sarah, first of all, I'd like to say that I love your suit.
PALIN: Aw, thanks.
PLAIDDER: I'd like to, but we know it'd be a lie, so let's just move on to the questions: Sarah, as the first female vice president, what kind of role model would you be for my daughter?
PALIN: You're a mom? I'm a mom too!
PLAIDDER: Yes, I'm aware of that.
PALIN: We moms, we know what hard work is!
PLAIDDER: We certainly do. And with that in mind, let me get right to the point so we can both get back to our REAL jobs: What's YOUR plan for getting us out of this giant financial black hole?
PALIN: Well, you see, Russia is separated from America only by a very narrow strip of...
PLAIDDER: Yes, Sarah, I'm not asking you about your lack of foreign policy experience. A lot of governors don't have any foreign policy experience when they take office. It's really not--
PALIN: And we have to, you know, I mean Russia's right there, and Russia's a foreign country and it has oil and we have oil and the sea is like, you can see Russia from Alaska on a clear day which there aren't that many of out there but still--
PLAIDDER: Sarah, you don't have to do this. Just say you have no experience but you're a quick learner and you're sure you can pick it up because you're smart enough to learn on the job and now tell me what your plan would be to save ordinary Americans from the apparently never-ending fallout from the subprime loan crisis!
(Pause)
PALIN: I'll have to get back to you about that. (PLAIDDER howls; PALIN is rattled)
PLAIDDER: My God, woman, do you know ANYTHING about ANYTHING?
PALIN: You called me a woman. That's sexist.
PLAIDDER: This is not sexism, Sarah, this is another woman calling you on your shit. Do you understand *anything* about money other than how to milk it from the various government positions you've held?
PALIN: You called me an idiot. I'm not an idiot!
PLAIDDER: Well if you're not an idiot you're definitely an underachiever. Do you have any idea how humiliating your candidacy is to the rest of us?
PALIN: The rest of who?
PLAIDDER: The rest of us women who busted our asses breaking into male-dominated professions.
PALIN: But you love me! Cause I'm just a working mom like you all are!
PLAIDDER: No. You are not. Because we got where we are by learning in spite of people who didn't want to teach us and working in spite of people who don't want to pay us what we're worth and finding solutions and solving problems and growing businesses and firms and programs and institutions in spite of all the men around us who wanted us to fail. And we did not just because we want to drive around in a gigantic white Suburban and by $400 glasses frames, but because we love the work and we believed in it and we wanted to be good at it. And because of that, and because generations of women ahead of us had fought and suffered so we could have the right to an education and to the vote and to control our own bodies, we made it. And we're proud of all the hard work that went into where we are because we believe our work is going to make the world better, not just for our daughters but for everyone. And here you are, with your beauty-pageant face and your beauty-pageant answers and all those little tricks you do to suck up to the men in power so they won't notice you have no talent and no assets and nothing to offer but greed and hatred and sheer bloody ruthlessness. And you're being groomed for it all; and when you get it all, all you'll have the smarts to do is hold onto power just long enough to drag us all back to the dark ages with you.
PALIN: You don't know anything about me!
PLAIDDER: Au contraire. I know a lot about you. I know more about you than I know about that poor bastard of a running mate. I know you've been underqualified for every job you've ever had. I know you've abused power every time it was given to you. I know that even when you were mayor of frickin' Wasilla, Alaska you were so full of your own "executive" power that treated the town council the same way Bush treats Congress. Well, if you got that drunk on power when you were paying someone else to run a town of 6000 people, I can only imagine how totally fucking HAMMERED you'd get as Vice President of the United States. I know how you govern: you're a delegator, a starter of projects you can't finish, you're an absentee. You surround yourself with your childhood friends because you know they're loyal and at least as dumb as you are; they don't know what they're doing either but you like it that way cause they'll never be a threat to you. You're obsessed with personal loyalty, you govern like it's recess and you're still in eighth grade, you savage anyone who criticizes you and you use an insane, warped, Apocalyptic form of Christianity as a replacement for the brain you've wasted. Yeah, I know you, Sarah. I know a lot about you. I know who you are.
(PALIN has for some time been staring at her like a deer in the headlights. Now PLAIDDER is having some sort of internal epiphanic event, and is staring right back at her.)
PLAIDDER: I just figured it out. I just this instant figured out why it is that I know so much more about you, why I've spent so much more time and energy on you, than on that poor bastard you're running with.
(PALIN's hair seems to be receding. Her posture sags. The black pools of panic in her pupils continue to expand as the corners of her mouth twist into an all-too-familiar smirk.)
PLAIDDER: Because he's just another worn-out Republican hack. But you. You are George W. Bush himself, come back in female form to torment my child the way you've tormented me.
(PLAIDDER grabs a thread hanging off PALIN's sleeve. As she pulls on it, PALIN's suit, and then her whole exterior unravels, revealing GEORGE W. BUSH underneath. BUSH sees PLAIDDER and screams. PLAIDDER sees BUSH and screams. PLAIDDER pulls out the earpiece and starts yelling into it)
PLAIDDER: Bring out the electrodes!
(BUSH exits stage left. PLAIDDER pulls the tail of the earpiece out of her pocket; we can see that it was never connected to anything. She throws it away, then sits down on the stage, head in her hands. OBAMA enters)
OBAMA: It's going to be all right. I'm winning.
PLAIDDER: (not looking up) I know.
OBAMA: The margin'll probably be enough to absorb the vote caging.
PLAIDDER: (still more depressed) I know.
OBAMA: I really am going to change everything.
(PLAIDDER looks up)
PLAIDDER: Senator Obama, there's only one thing that I really want to know, and that's whether I should believe you.
OBAMA: Believe me.
PLAIDDER: Why?
OBAMA: Because it might help and it can't hurt. Anyway you love words, right? And I got the words.
PLAIDDER: And that's all you've got?
OBAMA: That's all your introject of me has.
PLAIDDER: I guess I gotta hope the real you has something better.
OBAMA: So hope.
PLAIDDER: So hope.
(OBAMA pulls a sandwich out of a brown paper bag and offers her half)
OBAMA: Tuna salad on wheat. I got it at that Potbelly's on 55th.
PLAIDDER: Thanks. (She takes the sandwich. They eat for a little while in silence) You know, PJ knows who you are.
OBAMA: Really?
PLAIDDER: We have your picture up on the fridge. She likes your smile. She points to it and we say "o-BA-ma!" and she laughs.
(OBAMA smiles briefly.)
OBAMA: I won't let you down. Even though you expect me to.
PLAIDDER: Let's hope.
(Blackout)
***********
This is one batshit crazy election year,
The Plaid Adder
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