Surgeon General Issues Emergency Edict for Public Health - will take effect immediately

grantcart

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Fri Sep-26-08 01:36 AM
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Surgeon General Issues Emergency Edict for Public Health - will take effect immediately

http://www.surgeongeneral.gov/about/biographies/biosg.html

AP Washington
Multiple Sources
For Immediate Release

A rare midnight edict issued by the office of Rear Admiral Steven K. Galson, M.D., M.P.H. the Acting Surgeon General has sent lawyers to their law books researching obscure rulings on mandatory quarantine orders by the government during the early treatment of TB and compulsive community health rulings.

Admiral Galson said, "We were extremely reluctant to take such an action but felt that we had no choice given the threat to public health and that current circumstances have forced us to take immediate and comprehensive action." The Acting Surgeon General issued public edict 2008/01 titled "Curbing Inquiries for the Sake of Public Health" after there were widespread reports of tens of thousands of patients seeking immediate relief in emergency rooms across the country.

Galson advised that starting a few days with steep escalation each day hospitals across the country were paralyzed with thousands of people streaming to all kinds of health facilities for treatment of extreme blinding Migraine Headaches. "We received initial reports from the CDC a few weeks ago and then it seemed to subside. Then it gradually increased and finally exploded in the last 24 hours. CDC Director, Julie Louise Gerberding, MD, MPH reported that "virtually the entire country was effected except for Alaska, Idaho and Utah where only a small number of cases were treated".

The understanding of the problem was handicapped by the fact that virtually everyone at the CDC, including Gerberding, was stricken by the fast moving epidemic. Initial studies focused on air and water samples but then certain patterns were noticed. "No deaf people were effected, very small numbers from Utah, Idaho or Alaska were reported but the entire staff of NASA was reported virtually unable to enter a lighted room, and oddly only the accountant at FOX News was affected and the entire building was headache free"

Gerberding advised that their top team of epidemiologists broke the common factor to the nearly 3.8 million cases of level 4 migraines that swept the nation in the last 24 hours. Galson said as soon as we knew what the cause was we issued the edict:

Edict 2008/01 Curbing Inquiries for the Sake of Public Health

Preface: In order to remove a non lethal contagion leading to mass affliction of Migraine Headaches the Surgeon General has determined that the following mandatory comprehensive edict will be established for the sake of public health. No exceptions are to be permitted at any time for any reason in the consideration and enforcement of this order.

Enforcement: The Secret Service will be mandated to enforce the order from now until November 5th, 2008.

The Order: From now on all individuals coming into contact with Vice Presidential Candidate Governor Sarah Palin will by the force of law be restricted to ask questions of Governor Palin in the form of multiple answer questions. All questions will have answers prepared that have proper syntax and grammatical form with normal sentence word order. Governor Palin will be able to answer all questions simply by answering in the form of "A", "B", "C", "D" or "E".

This is to include all queries to Governor Palin whether they are public policy or asking her to select a desert.

Any violators of this order will be manhandled and put under arrest by the Secret Service who are highly motivated to not have their brains scrambled by listening to any more of her mangled, syntax deficient, broken non sentence jibberish..

The public's cooperation is appreciated.

Efforts are underway to treat the tens of thousands who are still experiencing mind bending pain trying to figure out what the hell she was talking about in her last Katie Couric interview. The Surgeon General will be issuing guidelines to health care professionals once the most efficient treatment has been confirmed. Currently having patients read old issues of Mad Magazine are having a beneficial effect.