Panicked, Sweat-Covered Pope Reverses Longstanding Ban On Abortion

[Pale Blue Dot]

Overturning 2,000 years of religious doctrine, an out-of-breath and visibly flustered Pope Benedict XVI announced Sunday that the termination of unwanted pregnancies was now "completely and perfectly acceptable in the eyes of God."

Following a wild night on the town, a frantic Pope Benedict XVI proclaims that "not every life is sacred."

The divine proclamation, which contradicts prior teachings of the Roman Catholic Church, was reportedly made by Pope Benedict after a late night phone call to his Vatican residence. According to witnesses, His Holiness was seen pacing back and forth, nervously wringing his hands, and cursing at himself in a hallway mirror before coming to the sudden decision.

"My friends in Christ, brothers and sisters of the cloth, having an abortion is...err...not that big a deal," announced the anxious pontiff while reading from a series of hastily scrawled edicts. "In fact, it is written, uh, somewhere, that the taking of an innocent life might even be something of a blessing in some cases."

"For example, when a mother's life is at risk," continued Benedict, wiping several beads of sweat from his forehead. "Or, say, when someone is just way too old to become a father at this point."

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[Ilsa]

1. Would you like some Onion served with your post? nt

[ZombieHorde]

2. I was happy until I saw the source. nt