New to DU and Writers Group!

[liberal hypnotist]

I've been looking in on the writers group for a while. Would like some critique on a series of short stories that will become a long story. Appreciate your support and criticism. Not sensitive so a few punches are OK.


The Storm
or A Breathe of Fresh Air
by
Dick Mullen

“Finally!” The old women spoke loudly so I would notice her. She waited for me to ask, Finally? I just waited looking out at the white caps being beheaded by the wind. “It’s over, eh?” she said again, trying to get me involved. I remain silent. She walked away toward a group of fisherman. I heard her say, “Finally!” They continued talking among themselves. She was right though. The storm was finally dying out. But, the damage was done.

I am too old to care about storms. They come, they go and no matter how much damage they do the town always smells clean and fresh, after. I was a doctor but I lost interest. Now, I just wait and watch inhaling the after-storm air. The sun is breaking through as the last of the dark gray clouds try to hang on. Ah, there is the bright blue sky.

The old woman says, “Elaina and her son are gone! Washed Away! She moves her lips silently, maybe praying. Her dark, deep-set eyes follow a group of children as they rummage through the wreckage. I should help with the injured but I just don’t want to move from this place, right now. I accept the storms. I am at peace. There is a sorrowful cry close by, “Elaina? Pedro? Now this? My god!” It is a younger women’s voice.

The fishermen walk toward me. I suppose they will want me to help with the injured. Two break off from the group. One bends down and gently brushes my eyelids closed. Then he takes my hands, the other my legs and they carry me toward my house. Jesus says, “He refused to leave, what could we do?” The other says softly, “he was old”.

The End

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. My dear liberal hypnotist...

That is some story you have there! I love love love the twist at the end!

The only criticism I have is...your verbs in the opening paragraph don't all have the same tense. Actually, now that I re-read it, the only verb not in the same past tense is this one: I remain silent.

It should, IMHO, agree with the other verbs in that paragraph.

But I'm quibbling! The thrust of your story is wonderful!

The ending really caught me off guard!

Keep 'em coming!

And while you're at it, have a look at my "Summer Squall."

I too love comments, and I'm not afraid of criticism.

:hi:

[bridgit]

2. there you are, i like your story...

:hi: thank you for the pm :toast:

[Orrex]

3. I like the writing and the tone

CaliforniaPeggy correctly pointed out the problem of tense-consistency in the opening paragraph. I'd add that the title, if it's spelled correctly, doesn't make sense. Are you aiming for "Breathe" or "Breath" in the title? There are a couple of places where you need to double-check your punctuation, such as the missing quotation marks after Washed away! but that's just a technical quibble.

What I like about this story is its effectiveness in just a few very brief paragraphs. Everything we need to know is indicated subtly and without being painstakingly spelled out: we know there was a storm; we know that it was bad; and we even get some basic sense of community. I'm puzzled by the way the speaker refers to "old women" before describing himself as "too old to care about storms," but that's a minor issue, to be sure.

Ultimately, though, I'm skeptical of stories with a surprise narrator, be it a monster, an animal, a fetus, a corpse, the deceased Bruce Willis, or whatever. It always seems as though the writer is going for a cutesy gotcha, and that can cheapen the story overall. I think that it can work if used sparingly, and in a piece as short as this one you can probably get away with it, but if you try to extend it much beyond these four paragraphs you're likely to veer into trite gimmickry.

But I like the style and pacing otherwise!

[liberal hypnotist]

4. Thanks for the evaluation!

Hi Orres,
Thank you. That's what I need. I do get sloppy with technical stuff. Plus, it is helpful to watch the 'cutsy" stuff. I'm a long time member of Toastmasters. We evaluate each others speeches. First, we find a strength no matter how bad the speech may be, then we talk about weaknesss and ways to improve. It is so easy to get lost in my head.
A published writer told me to write a series of 300, 600 and 900 word stories and essays. In fiction take the role of a character. In this case, i was the "old man",then eliminate every word possible without changing contnet.
Thanks, again.

[Orrex]

5. That sounds like a good exercise

I'm a fan of understated fiction writing, which often entails a concise and seemingly simple style, though in fact it's quite a challenge to accomplish more with less! As the writer gains experience with the "eliminate every word possible" exercise, I think that the technique becomes more intuitive, so that the "extra" words are removed even as a particular sentence is written.

I've endured a ton of fiction critique workshops, so I've had a lot of practice at finding the good in someone else's writing. Let's say that sometimes it's easier than others! Honestly, the stuff I see here in the Writing Group is of a generally better caliber than most of what I saw in those workshops, perhaps because people here are truly writing because they want to, rather than writing for an English credit.

But the trick, I find, is to be straightforward about a work's shortcomings. Nothing is more deadly to an aspiring writer than well-meant but overly gushing feedback; a tough but honest critique, though perhaps difficult to hear, is better for a writer's development than a hundred "U R GR8" responses.

Happily, the people who post in the Writer's Group are honest and mature about this part of the process, too!

[liberal hypnotist]

6. Honesty Helps More Than Gushing!

I agree. Thanks for the help.