Question for the women in the group.

[driver8]

I am a male, and I have been chatting with a friend of mine from high school, recently. She is married to a man, but has admitted to me that she found herself becoming more and more attracted to women, lately. She is going to be in Vegas on business and wanted to experience a gay club to see what it's like, and to maybe meet a woman. She asked my advice, but I'm not sure what to tell her. This is obviously something that she has obviously thought about a lot and I want to help her. Any advice that anyone could offer would be greatly appreciated.

Also, if she does decide to venture out -- can anyone suggest some good clubs or bars in Vegas?

Thanks!!

[fed_up_mother]

1. A cheat is a cheat is a cheat

Tell her to talk to her spouse. Does one really have to have sex with a person to know they are attracted to him or her? I don't think so. If she wants to live life as a lesbian, a bisexual or just not married to her husband anymore, the honorable thing to do is get out of the marriage before she cheats. Then she can live her life anyway she wants with her integrity still in tack.

Infidelity causes a lot of pain, and I don't think it matters who she cheats with.

[driver8]

4. You are absolutely right -- I didn't see that at first, but now I do.

I guess I didn't see it as cheating, but it certainly is.

Thanks!

[Vanje]

14. I concur entirely with fed-up

First you get a divorce, THEN you go cruising.

[TEmperorHasNoClothes]

16. how the heck is going to a club cheating-

How the hell is going to a lesbian bar any different than going to a heterosexual bar. Being lesbian isn't just about who we sleep with and it isn't all about sex? Why are you assuming she'd going to jump into bed with the first woman she meets? Do you hold the same standard for heterosexual women going to clubs?
I know that emotional cheating exists, but for christ's sake, we're talking about going to a club and seeing how it feels.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

2. hmm... does she want to confirm attraction? does she want to hook up?

what does she want?

[Warpy]

3. If she's ready to leave her marriage, she needs to do that first

and that sounds like what's going on.

She can explore her sexuality when she's not going to hurt another person by doing it.

[NMMNG]

5. We are not science experiments

Do you realize how many lesbians have been used by married women who have become bored with their husbands and decided they wanted to "try out" women for a change? Then they decide for whatever reason they want to stay with their husbands and the lesbian ends up nursing a broken heart.


If your friend is that dissatisfied she should assess whether she wants to remain married. Perhaps therapy would benefit her and help her make an ultimate decision. Cheating is cheating, whether you do it with someone of the same sex or the opposite. While I'm gay and some presume that means I'm without morals, I'm no supporter of adultery. To me marriage is a commitment you make for life, and if you decide you can't hold up your end of the bargain you end the marriage--you don't cheat or worse.

(I realize this sounds harsh, but you asked for advice and I gave it. Also, since my wife and I are fighting desperately to save our marriage from the "sanctity of marriage" crowd it galls me that your friend would treat hers so casually.)

[driver8]

9. I'm sorry, I never meant it to sound that way -- like you were science experiments.

I have many gay friends and I certainly didn't mean to imply that you have no morals -- that is the last thing I would ever say.

Regarding her marriage, I know that she loves her husband but is very confused about this attraction to women. She has noticed that it is becoming stronger and stronger and she does not know how to handle it.

I appreciate the advice -- not harsh at all!

[NMMNG]

13. I didn't think you were suggesting that we're science experiments

or that we're immoral. Sadly some women seem to think we are something to do when they're bored with their men or "curious". And all too many people claim we're "sinful" and "immoral" just because we're gay, not because of any objective standards. It gets so frustrating sometimes.

[Eryemil]

6. I would advice she either reconsider her marriage or shockingly enough, communicate her desires...

...and doubts to her partner.

[Lyric]

7. I would advise her to talk it over with hubby first.

If she's content in her love relationship and just wants to experience the sex part, that's something to talk about with her hubby. God knows plenty of couples do such things; it's not like it's unheard of. If she's feeling dissatisfied with her marriage as a whole, though, and is looking for more than a fun weekend, then she needs to end the relationship with hubby first. It's not cheating if you have permission, but it IS cheating if you do it behind someone's back.

She should also be aware that quite a few lesbians refuse to have sex with women who also sleep with guys. She might have a harder time than she thinks finding "a woman" unless and until she's single and no longer having sex with men.

[xchrom]

8. age can change a lot of things in a persons life.

you can google lesbian bars in vegas -- go with her -- it's not your place to judge her life.

be her friend if you want.

lastly -- spouces of what ever make-up are not always the people you go to first for certain big changes in your life.

yeah 'cheating' hurts -- so do a lot of things -- when it comes to romantic love -- you play your hand -- EVEN IF -- you think it's for a life time and simply hope for the best.

but it's not written in stone.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

12. ...

:loveya:

[readmoreoften]

10. Tell her to buy a hooker.

And stay out of lesbian bars. You don't have to fuck someone to "know" you're gay. When she wants a divorce, she can hit the singles bar with the rest of the gals. Or if she wants a threesome, tell her to find a singles club.

[Hermit Extrovert]

11. To answer your question...

If all she wants is to see what a gay bar is like - what's the harm in that?
The post says "meet" a woman, not necessarily have sex with her. Of course, in the lesbian community, "meet" means "marry", right? :P

There are many women in the lesbian community who started out in her situation - give her break.
And - how to say this tastefully - I have met some lesbians who wouldn't mind, um, "helping her out" for kicks ...
We aren't all the same, you know.. but - it's not clear from what you wrote that that's what she wants anyway.

But, ok, to answer your original question - I visited Vegas a few years ago with my then-girlfriend.
There are a few bars, but the gayborhood (if you can call it that), is very far from the Strip.
We too a trek, and enjoyed it, but she may not want to. I think there's a Hamburger Mary's there, and a few bars, forgot their names, across the street. Not much there, if you're not a local, as I remember.

I'd recommend another city for gay club exploration, honestly. If sex is the goal, hiring a prostitute is quite easy in Vegas, 'tis true..
And, if it's an issue that persists, it's probably time to explore gay clubs in her own town, talk to the husband, then start writing dirty craigslist personals... :evilgrin:

[TEmperorHasNoClothes]

15. looking is different than touching

I don't think there is any problem with your friend going to a bar to check out the scene and to see if she feels comfortable. Dancing at a club is far different than jumping into bed with the first lesbian she meets. She's got to explore her feelings somewhere. I'd suggest that she talk to a therapist to help sort out her feelings and to get support as she struggles through the journey of becoming more in touch with her sexuality, whether she's gay straight or bi. Yes, she does need to talk to her husband at some point, but she doesn't have to do that while she's figuring everything out.
I agree that cheating is cheating, but going to a lesbian club is no more cheating than going to a primariy heterosexual one, IMHO.

[Two Americas]

17. deceptive and hurtful

Deceiving and possibly hurting the current partner needs to be considered first.

[Hepburn]

18. She is in a relationship....

...IMO, one does not cheat. PERIOD. If hubbie is cool with an open marriage, IMO, that is one thing. But there is no difference whether the cheating is with a same sex or a different sex partner or partners. Cheating is cheating.

Faithfulness IMO is a requirement in all relationships. She needs to work out what is going on in her head before she upsets an entire family unit. And that has NOTHING to do with the fact that her cheating would be gay as opposed to straight. What she needs to work out is why she is feeling the need to go outside of her marriage. If the relationship is over, it is over. That is the first decision she needs to make and to do this before she does any research on whether she is gay, straight or somewhere on the orientation scale between the two places.

JMHO

[SacredCow]

19. I'm not a woman...

but I don't think it matters in this case....

I was also once married and found myself being attracted to men. In my defense, my wife at the time was daily letting me know just how useless and irrelevant I was. So, I did about what your friend is planning to do- set out to "see what it's like."

I assure you, in all seriousness and with a wealth of personal experience: THIS IS NOT THE WAY TO HANDLE IT!!!!! Encourage her to talk to the spouse first- this will be to the benefit of all parties involved.

Trust me on this- just "seeing what it's like" is a sure way to open up a whole lot of ugliness. I seriously wish that I could have a do-over on this one....

[SarahB]

20. This is something she needs to discuss with her husband.

Is she gay or bi? Or just bi-curious?

Being bi can be complex. For many people who are bi, it can mean they want active relationships with people of both genders. For others, they prefer monogamy and gender of their partner is a non-issue. Other prefer different things at different times in their lives.

My personal opinion is to leave the lesbian women who are seeking monogamous lesbian relationships alone. She will only hurt someone. She needs to discuss her feelings with her spouse and find out how comfortable he is in letting her explore that. Cheating is wrong and damaging to a relationship and to one's own psyche. Ethical, consensual, COMMUNICATIVE non-monogamy is not.