I'm in shock...

[SacredCow]

For those of you who saw my last couple of threads, you know that I was tested for HIV because of the indescretions of my partner/roommate/significant other... Well, he got his results back today and the news was not good. He tested positive for HIV as well as herpes viruses. Which, of course, means that I will continue to need to be tested, as all of this broke just back in November. So I'm not out of the woods yet, I don't think.

Right now I'm feeling so many conflicting emotions it's all I can do to not lose my mind. On one hand, I'm furious at him for playing Russian roulette with my health (and his own, for that matter) and REALLY furious that I will still have a cloud hanging over me for some months to come. But then again, despite all of that, I care about him and it breaks my heart to see him so devastated and beaten. I went with him to his doctor (at his request) and sat there as he got the news... Of course, the doctor was fairly positive about it, pointing out that people live out their lives more or less symptom-free these days. At the office, he was OK- kind of in shock, I think. But once we got in the car, he just collapsed into a heap on the seat. It was all I could do to get him buckled in and make the drive home as he sobbed and repeatedly apologized to me for everything he'd done.

At this point, I just don't know what to do. Personally, I'm still in shock. I wanted the testing for peace of mind- I was relieved when I tested negative, and just assumed that he would, too.

Thanks to all who've read this far. I just needed to vent, and I can't really talk to anybody around here because he hasn't told me yet what he plans to do about telling people. He got referred to a specialist, and was able to make an appointment for today (which is good). He wanted me to go, but I just needed some alone time.

I know he screwed up with regards to our relationship, but I'm requesting some good thoughs for him and what he's going through. Now, I need to either go lay down and cry or get mega-drunk. Maybe both.

[ccharles000]

1. i hope everything turns out ok.

[SacredCow]

40. me, too....

hoping like all hell, in fact....

[Dogmudgeon]

2. I am sorry to hear that. But best of luck!

Chances are good that you DON'T have HIV, and with the advances in treatment, that he will have a long and healthy life.

If you're in a Super Tuesday state, vote now and get drunk later. Politics can help divert your attention from worry.

Hope it all goes well. Courage!

--p!

[SacredCow]

4. Thanks...

I'm not in a Super Tuesday state, but I'm off from work which is a damn good thing.

[jaxx]

3. That's a heavy load to have to carry.

Take care.

[SacredCow]

39. I'm doing my best....

Thanks... :hug:

[unpossibles]

5. wow. Good luck.

My heart goes out to you and your partner.

[SacredCow]

38. much obliged...

:hug:

[sinkingfeeling]

6. I'm so sorry. Feelings of betrayal are hard to overcome, but if you really care for him,

then I hope you can find the best course of action. Fingers crossed that you stay negative.

[SacredCow]

37. Fingers and toes here...

as for the betrayal... well, I should have seen this coming, so I'm just as much to blame.

[madrchsod]

7. try not to worry untill you know what is really happening

(ya like i should be a good example) you should know soon enough what you need to do. in the meantime... :grouphug:

[SacredCow]

36. all I know is worry....

it's kind of my thing. that and bottling up my stress. good combo, huh?

[LeftHander]

8. Changes...decisions....

pvt me.

[SacredCow]

29. ...

I sent you a PM. I'll keep an eye out for the response.

[plantwomyn]

9. It is understandable that you are in shock.

But let me be your Old Dyke Abbey here and suggest that your "partner/roommate/significant other" is responsible for being "so devastated and beaten". He put you in a LIFE THREATENING position and you are not out of the woods yet. HIS actions have changed his life forevermore. If you continue ANY relationship with him, it MUST be based on truth and trust. Even "just friends" need this from one another. DO NOT let this become about HIS disease, it is about YOUR future.
I know it will be hard to talk to him. You are afraid for him. You are afraid for yourself. But if need be write him a letter. Pour out your feelings. Try to think about it as if he tested NEGITIVE. You two still need to deal with trust and truth.
His treatment will last a lifetime. He will NOW have to learn the discipline he so odiously lacked before. He will no longer be able to live in ignorance and indifference. This is as REAL as it gets, This may be good for him, emotionally and spiritually, believe it or not. Don't let him off the hook for his betrayal because he is paying a price. He chose to roll the dice and is forcing you to face paying a price for something you had nothing to do with. As far as telling others, HE NEEDS TO TELL EVERYONE HE WAS SEXUAL WITH! I hope this is a wakeup call for you and all your friends.
I lived in San Francisco through the 80's. I cooked and cleaned for my dieing friends, and held their hands at the doctors office. I went to too many funerals. We didn't know what to do then. We do today and that is the rub. No excuses for his actions. I get mad at my "boyfriends" who are glibe about this. The younger they are the worse it is. Decades of fear!
I am soooo tired of watching you die.

:cry:

[SacredCow]

22. Thanks for your response.....

Even though it hurts, I do appreciate your hard-line response- I certainly can't argue with any of it.

[racaulk]

10. I'm very sorry to hear this news.

I hope everything works out OK for you, and you guys are both in my thoughts. Sending you all the positive vibes I can muster...

:pals:

[SacredCow]

23. Thank you....

for your thoughts and vibes...

[bigscott]

11. I know where you're coming from

My ex did the same thing to me - only he was never all that upset by what he did. I am negative - it has been 8 years since then - and I am sure you will remain negative as well. I never wish ill on anybody ('cept maybe Republicans) and so i will keep your SO in my thoughts. His MD is right, this is now a treatable disease - but the treatment can be awful and this disease is no picnic! I wish more young people understood that.

I have buried too many friends and acquaintances to count - I would have hoped the generation after mine (including my son) would learn from our collective 28 year long heartache.

peace to you SC :pals:

[SacredCow]

24. Thank you....

I'm glad that it all worked out for you, and hope (perhaps against hope) that I'll be in the same sadder-but-wiser boat.

[xchrom]

12. please try to take of yourself inside and out.

you're in all of our thoughts -- try to remember this is all just life -- all kinds of things can and do happen to us.

try to roll with it and take appropriate care.

you're experiences make you who you are -- and you are wonderful -- no matter what.

[SacredCow]

25. Thanks....

Yeah, it's just life- but certainly not the one I was trying to live....

[dsc]

13. I am so sorry man

You deserve better. You sound like a great guy. Please keep us all updated.

[SacredCow]

31. thank you, dsc....

but right now, I'm a completely and utterly beaten guy... I really gave this relationship my all and the rewards have been lies, betrayal, and now fear for my health.

I don't know that I'll be able to keep it up with him for much longer. I'm feeling a LOT of anger for the ordeal(s) he's put me through for no reason other than his selfishness. Maybe it's time I take a break from having a significant other at all, and be on my own. Right now, I'm no good for anybody else anyway.

[Rowdyboy]

14. Rest, get drunk, cry in whatever order you choose.....I know he hurt you

badly but you have a friend (however dumb) who has just been devastated. Be patient as he comes to grips with the news. Its shattering.

You will be in our thoughts and prayers.

[SacredCow]

26. Thank you....

It feels so strange to hate and hurt for someone all at the same time....

[Not Me]

15. Hugs to you both.

Be there for each other, and try to work things as best you can.
In time, things (with respect to your relationship) will be a little more clear.

[SacredCow]

30. Thanks....

This may be the final straw for us, though... I know he's devastated right now, but his "indescretions" (his word- not mine) seem to be the gift that keeps on giving, and I just don't know if I can take it anymore.

[ThomCat]

16. Damn.

:(

That's just so much to have to deal with...

I hope you continue to test negative. And I hope he comes through this a better person, with the discipline he'll need to keep going.

I am hoping for the best for both of you. :hug:

[SacredCow]

27. I thank you, TC.....

:hug:

[Chovexani]

17. I can't imagine what you might be going through

Love and good juju, my friend. :hug:

[SacredCow]

34. I'll take all of the juju I can get!

Thanks!

[undergroundpanther]

18. Shit.

Life is so fucking cruel.
:cry:

[SacredCow]

35. Well, it's life, after all.....

after 37 years, I should be used to it....

[undergroundpanther]

41. I never got used to it

I still hate it after 42 years. Good thing it's not a permanent condition..

[NMMNG]

19. I'm so sorry

Do what you have to tonight to numb yourself (within reason) then start picking up the pieces tomorrow. I can't imagine what you're feeling right now. :hug:

[SacredCow]

32. Thanks...

I'm finally getting around to individual replies....

I didn't get drunk, as it turned out... but neither have I been able to function properly today. I'm going to have to come in to work VERY early tomorrow to hopefully make up for lost time.

[SacredCow]

20. A collective thanks to you all....

Every one of you have brought up valid points, or just offered your vibes and I appreciate both.

I never got drunk- The rest of yesterday was wierd. His visit to the doctor was mostly just to set things up. He never actually saw the doctor- just assistants, but they drew blood for literally dozens of tests and set him up to see the doctor in a few weeks (when all of the results are back). When he got home, he seemed almost at peace with it but the rest of the day was up and down. We had some close friends come over for dinner (it had been previously planned) and he apparently decided to start telling people immediately, which is good- certainly better than letting the rumor mill do the spreading.

I'm still vascillating from scared, to seething with anger, to worried, etc... and it's driving me insane.

I have more to say, but I'm at work and really need to try to get productive. Thanks again, DU'ers- I love each and every one of you! :grouphug:

[swimmernsecretsea]

21. There are so many things I'd like to say to you,

but for some reason I just can't articulate them right now. I've had a rough couple of days myself; an ex of mine just had an MRI and might have a brain tumor. I'm so sorry to hear that you've both been through a lot. My thoughts are with you and all that you're going through, and I wish you well. I have found that it does help to share, so please write to this forum and let us know what you're going through.

[SacredCow]

28. At this point, DU is just about my only outlet....

The gossip mill around here works overtime, and it's up to him to break the news to everyone- I don't want that responsibility.

I'm sorry about your ex, and hope your days get better... :hug:

[swimmernsecretsea]

33. Well, you're

a sweet person, and I also wish you the best. Thanks.

The results came back as "abnormal." That's still all they know for now. More tests...

[Tresalisa]

42. I am so sorry.

I will keep both of you in my thoughts.

You have great support here, but maybe looking into counseling would help, too.

:hug:

[SacredCow]

43. Thanks a bunch....

Yeah, the support on here is great- I can always count on DUers for support and/or good advice.

Counseling is another distinct possibility. He was already seeing someone to figure out why he was wired in such a way as to feel he needed to be deceitful with me. Looks like he has more to discuss now. As for me, I've got a LOT of bottled up emotion right now, so I'll either get to a counselor soon or have a nervous breakdown- whichever comes first, I suppose.

[BillSam]

44. Keep your chin up

I don't know about your individual sexual practices but there's still a good chance you'll remain negative.

As for your SO, he's lucky he's got someone who cares about him.

That doesn't mean you have to continue the relationship if you feel it isn't working. There are support groups for HIV+ people of different ages. You don't have to be the only person he relies upon.

I dated a man for some time that I was intimate with who finally got around to telling me he not only had HIV but AIDS. We stuck to safer sex (which is why he felt there wouldn't be a problem, although he undoubtedly felt guilt-wracked) and I tested negative afterward but nevertheless I was furious for a while. Then my compassion for him took over. (Had the result gone the other way I may have felt differently.) Not the same level of betrayal that you're feeling, of course.

I wish both of you the best.