Gays lead the way in relationships and parenting

[Ian David]

March 26, 2008
Gays lead the way in relationships and parenting

by Beth Dreher

On the website of the Christian conservative group Family Research Council, Timothy J. Dailey, Ph.D, writes, "A growing body of research indicates that in key respects homosexual and lesbian relationships are radically different than married couples."

Turns out, Dailey's right: According to studies from the University of Washington, the Rockway Institute and several other reputable research centers, gay and lesbian relationships are different. In some ways, they're actually better. In one study published in the Journal of Homosexuality, for example, researchers observed 40 gay couples' and 40 straight couples' interactions and found a distinct difference in the way the groups approached conflict discussions.

"Heterosexual couples are more likely than same-sex couples to begin conflict discussions in a harsh or aggressive way," says Robert-Jay Green, Ph.D, a distinguished professor of psychology at Alliant International University in California and a leading expert on gay and lesbian couple/family relationships. According to Green, a harsh way to begin a conversation about family finance might be "What the hell is this credit charge for a $300 necklace? Do you think I'm made out of money?" A more sensitive start, says Green, would be, "Hey, I noticed there was a credit-card charge for a $300 necklace. I'm worried that we're spending beyond our budget, and that we're not saving enough for those other plans we have. Can we talk some more about that?"

More:
http://gay_blog.blogspot.com/2008/03/gays-lead-way-in-relationships-and.html

[teenagebambam]

1. Some empirical evidence....

....from me and my partner, who at fifteen years have the healthiest and most stable relationship of any of our straight siblings or straight friends, save for my parents' 50-year marriage. We are always aghast when, for exaample, my sister and her boyfriend begin screaming at each other about things like how the other loaded the dishwasher, and then escalate the fight from there.

[mondo joe]

2. We are one of 3 semi-communal-living couples on my block - 1 gay, 1 lesbian, 1 hetero

and my experience backs this up perfectly.

Also, our triad matches the findings of the Gottman Institute's 12 year study:

http://www.gottman.com/research/gaylesbian/12yearstudy/

* Gay/lesbian couples are more upbeat in the face of conflict. Compared to straight couples, gay and lesbian couples use more affection and humor when they bring up a disagreement, and partners are more positive in how they receive it. Gay and lesbian couples are also more likely to remain positive after a disagreement. "When it comes to emotions, we think these couples may operate with very different principles than straight couples. Straight couples may have a lot to learn from gay and lesbian relationships," explains Gottman.

* In a fight, gay and lesbian couples take it less personally. In straight couples, it is easier to hurt a partner with a negative comment than to make one’s partner feel good with a positive comment. This appears to be reversed in gay and lesbian couples. Gay and lesbian partners’ positive comments have more impact on feeling good, while their negative comments are less likely to produce hurt feelings. "This trend suggests that gay and lesbian partners have a tendency to accept some degree of negativity without taking it personally," observes Gottman.

* In a fight, lesbians show more anger, humor, excitement and interest than conflicting gay men. This suggests that lesbians are more emotionally expressive—positively and negatively—than gay men. This result may be the effect of having two women in a relationship. Both have been raised in a society where expressiveness is more acceptable for women than for men, and it shows up in their relationships.

* Gay men need to be especially careful to avoid negativity in conflict. When it comes to repair, gay couples differ from straight and lesbian couples. If the initiator of conflict in a gay relationship becomes too negative, his partner is not able to repair as effectively as lesbian or straight partners. "This suggests that gay men may need extra help to offset the impact of negative emotions that inevitably come along when couples fight," explains Gottman.