Through much anguish , I am trying to understand myself

[UndertheOcean]

It is very hard , I can tell you that , and I feel very ashamed about what I am finding ...
and its not clear cut at all .... I just don't understand,

maybe in a later thread , I can explain more , right now I am too embarrassed

[Name removed]

1. Deleted sub-thread

Sub-thread removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[MadMaddie]

2. Now you are teasing us....now we have to know.

:spank:

[HysteryDiagnosis]

3. It's so simple, after several tries you will see how the answer

has been right in front of you all along. Keep trying you will get there in time.

[dsc]

4. whatever it is

know you are OK and will be OK. When you are ready to talk we will be here for you.

[Rowdyboy]

5. I've spent most of my life trying to figure myself out and often found myself ashamed....

Wish I had some special wisdom to offer-just know that you aren't alone. Questioning your actions and your motives is a good thing to do-just remember to give yourself a break now and then.

[mitchtv]

6. Rowdyboy has it

Forgive yourself. If it's bad , don't worry, I've done worse. I am officially shameless( tho there is a lot I would do over)like my 20's

[UndertheOcean]

7. i THINK i enjow wearing dresses

this will kill my poor father ..

my poor parents will die because of this ... OMG , there is no escape from my ugliness...

[Maven]

8. So are you questioning your orientation?

Or are you just experimenting with the clothes?

Either way, there's no "ugliness" involved and you're going to be OK. Try not to worry about your parents at this point, and try to understand and accept what's going on with you.

[UndertheOcean]

21. I letting myself realise that I have very deep urges of being female

whenever I see a racy movie scene or have a fantasy , I imagine myself being in the females skin , wondering what would i feel like.

I always liked to grow my hear long , but alas , it is frizzy and not smooth.

When My body hair started groing I went into 3 months of severe depression , never DARING to tell my parents the problem ..."Ha , you are a man , men have hair on their legs , what are you , sissyboy " I would imagine my father shouting at me.

Then my bushy beard came , that even after being shaved you can tell its there....

My "illusion" was distroyed , even if I can live internally as a female .... I cannot, all those things remind be that I am an ugly hairy man

Biology , no arguing with her , sigh

[LostinVA]

24. There is plenty of arguing with biology

There are lots of transgendered people out there who you would never know were born into the wrong body.

[Jamastiene]

9. Ah, there's no shame in that.

Or at least no shame that I can see. Eddie Izzard wears dresses and he's one of my MOST favorite comedians. There's nothing ugly about it. :hug:

[UndertheOcean]

10. I can't beleive I said that , I feel like dying

[ccharles000]

11. It is not a bad thing to want to wear dresses.

[Tyler Durden]

12. I wore a Great Kilt once. 3 yards of tartan folded and wrapped.

In the Summer at at Renfest.

The ventilation was LOVELY. I've always envied that level of below-the-belt freedom, but in the Winter? I don't think so.

Besides, I have bowed legs, and they are a "Hazard to Navigation." Really. Look up "fish belly white" on the paint chips: that's my legs.

[LostinVA]

13. So?

[UndertheOcean]

15. Other than my macho Muslim father having a massive coronary

an me ,




the one who will possibly kill him.

HE refuses to shave his mustach , and think men with shaven mustaches are sissys

I want to puke ... and not from th booz or the ambian

[LostinVA]

17. Well, you don't have to let him know right away

You shouldn't be combining booze and ambien, though.

Do you like wearing dresses as a crossdressing thing or do you think you may identify as a woman? There's quite a big difference, and there's nothing wrong with it, either way.

[UndertheOcean]

18. I think , I think , I think I identify more as a female

and even if I can get over my suspicions and accept by realisation about who I am.... in the end I am not really female ...will never be as elegent ar as sweet or as beautiful....I will be an averaging looking man who lives like an ugly hairy woman, a caricature of my soul.... the forces of biology are too strong

[LostinVA]

19. No you won't

There are plenty of options out there for TG people. You're in college, right? Check out the GLBT group and local resources. They could probably direct you to a therapist specializing in TG issues.

[UndertheOcean]

20. I am so ashamed of talking about this face to face, This is the first

time I even mention this on the internet.sigh

[LostinVA]

23. It's absolutely nothing to be ashamed of

You have a support group in this DU forum and there's a lot of TG resources online.

And, meeting people in real life, you can relate to will help you a lot.

[Jamastiene]

26. Too bad we cannot change bodies.

I feel the same, only from the perspective of biological female who knows she should have been male, but got shortchanged at birth and further alienated and abused by a society that will not try to understand. They are in the wrong though, not you or me. Trust me on that. I've been through hell and back to try to come to terms with this. 99% of the reason it was so hard was because I didn't know what resources I had and I had to figure it out on my own. You don't have to do that. LostinVA is right. The internet is your friend.

You have NO REASON WHATSOEVER to feel ashamed. It wouldn' hurt you one bit to actively stop your thought processes when you think those negative thoughts. Think about anything but those things. Make yourself do some activity (read, read, read, anything you can read to get your mind out of that mode of thinking, that's the single best way to do it).

What you are doing to yourself when you say those negative things or think those things is basically a form of conditioning. You are conditioning yourself to think in a way that is based on the abuse and ridicule our society puts us through. In other words, the way our society is set up, we think we have to conform and be miserable for our entire lives. We do not.

It is better to take the road less traveled and have a CHANCE at happiness than to follow the herd and be miserable. -Punk Rock 101. Granted you may not like the same music I do, but it teaches that single most important lesson in life for us. That concept has helped me to cope more than anything I can possibly think of.

Your father, both your parents, will have to just deal with it. Society will just have to deal with it. That's THEIR problem, not yours or mine. We are not the ones creating the problem. Their inability to grasp any concept outside of binary gender system is the problem. They can deal with that. It's not our job to appease their delicate narrow minded unevolved sensibilities. They have the problem. It's our lives, not theirs. Remember the phrase, "Sanctity of life?" We matter. Our lives matter. Our lives are no less valuable to us than theirs are to them. We should live our lives and if they don't like it, they can take a long walk off a short pier. That is not our problem.

If you are not financially able to take care of yourself, please try to find a way to do that. Then you can hold your head up high an tell every single person who would shame you that they do not pay your bills and cannot tell you how to live. After all, it's a free country. They won't be able to think of a single comeback to that. Then you will be free.

Killing the pain with drugs and alcohol will only create a hole in you that gets bigger and bigger. While you are using drugs and alcohol, you will not notice how empty that hole feels because the drugs and alcohol numb the pain somewhat, if you take too much. It's still not worth it though.

Here is what happens:
You do the drugs and drink to kill the pain.

It barely numbs it only a slightly tiny little bit.

You do more thinking you can increase the effects.

It might work a little more then, but you run the risk of damaging yourself both mentally and physically in the process. Death = a guarantee you will never find happiness. Living = a guarantee you may find happiness. Death is game over.

Doing more is when addiction becomes the biggest problem.

Addiction only exacerbates the depression.

When you bottom out, and most people DO become addicted and bottom out, you will have to face a larger depression problem then.

At that point, you have certainly damaged yourself at the very least physically, because your brain will ALWAYS tell you from that day forward that you need the drug. That is when you are in trouble. Physical dependence on drugs that change your brain chemistry to want more drugs, literally, is a problem best avoided. It's pure misery.

I know how it feels. It hurts like Hell, but here's the good news. If you just hold your head up, dump the guilt(it makes for a bad copilot), push on with life and do whatever you need to do to survive and not self destruct, eventually the pain will lessen. You will come to terms with it. In time, that pain will be replaced by a feeling of resolve, peace, confidence,
and dignity within yourself. You will fully know that you have NO REASON to be ashamed. That is the good news, but it will take time.

In the meantime, :hug: DO NOT be ashamed. Hold your head up high and hold on to your dreams. They will be a source of solace for you. It's so not worth it to shame yourself and self destruct. That will only lead you one place: death. Death is the only hopelessness because then you have NO chance at finding happiness. Game over.-(again Punk Rock 101).

This phobic society we live in DOES NOT DESERVE the satisfaction of us helping them destroy our lives. I'm sorry if I sound blunt, but I wish someone had told me these things before I spent over a decade trying to destroy myself, feeling zero confidence in myself, and generally helping the phobes defeat me. I wish someone had clued me in to what I have learned in the past 15 years or so of soul searching and abominably deep pain and suffering. I finally realized they were winning because I let them get inside my head and helped them win. I finally told myself, "Don't give them that satisfaction. Don't help them defeat you."

You can bet the transphobic people in our society have no shame. Why should we?

[MuseRider]

27. GREAT post

really great at least from my outside perspective.

"Your father, both your parents, will have to just deal with it. Society will just have to deal with it. That's THEIR problem, not yours or mine. We are not the ones creating the problem. Their inability to grasp any concept outside of binary gender system is the problem. They can deal with that. It's not our job to appease their delicate narrow minded unevolved sensibilities. They have the problem. It's our lives, not theirs. Remember the phrase, "Sanctity of life?" We matter. Our lives matter. Our lives are no less valuable to us than theirs are to them. We should live our lives and if they don't like it, they can take a long walk off a short pier. That is not our problem."

So very true. It is a difficult road though, anytime you try to be yourself and an individual outside the defined (by whom?) norm (?) it is difficult but it is worth it.

As I said, this is from my outside perspective but I just had to give props to your post. It is the way everyone who means to be somehow outside the societal norms (I hate that word) must think.

[XOEnterprises]

28. I agree

Great post! I've been trying to tell my girlfriend that same thing for weeks. It is really, very scary to try to figure these things out on your own. And you can't do it on your own-that much I know.

When my partner and I discussed it, she said to me, "No one's ever told me it's all right." She's known she wasn't "feminine" and all she had ever been told was that it meant she wasn't right. She just assumed I was going to reject her because of it, when I knew, going in, that she wasn't feminine. But it is all right, and shouldn't be something to be ashamed of.

I really do urge you to find outside help. I know I'm a newcomer here(lurker!), but even if it's just to a professor you trust. Does your campus have counseling services? Those could be an outlet, too.

[MuseRider]

30. Welcome to DU

XOEnterprises! Stop lurking and start posting!

Good grief, I am straight and I know how bad it feels to be out of the norm as a straight person and that is NOTHING like this situation. I hesitate to say much knowing how relatively easy it was for me to finally come to terms with my "oddness" and learn to love that part of myself. Still, they are the same in some ways and what works for each of us may add at least a tiny bit of insight into someone else's difficulties.

Funny how that tiny thing, realizing that you don't have to be told that it is alright for it to be perfectly alright, makes all the difference.

Welcome!

[Jamastiene]

31. Thank you.

It is always worth it to be yourself. It's hard at times, but you learn coping mechanisms and find an alternate world of people who are accepting and loving and compassionate and caring. The subculture is a treasure trove of great people, IMHO. You end up with a diverse mix of the best friends you could ever ask for. You just have to be careful and make it a point to choose wisely who you will trust and who you will have to part ways with, along the way.

The price of being who you are IS high, but the quality of life is unbeatable.

[zingaro]

34. oh this is a beautiful post.

I couldn't possibly improve upon the sentiments written here. And undertheocean - please take care of yourself and love yourself. You are not wrong, nor is there anything "wrong" with you. You are perfect, and the rest of the world will have to catch up with the perfection that is you.

[XOEnterprises]

35. Don't tell him until

you're comfortable in yourself. If you know he's going to not take it well, then you need to be sure you know what you feel exactly, partially for your own peace of mind, but partially so you know just what to say to him. This might be months or even years, but you need to know who you are before you tell him.

Lay off the intoxicants, take a long walk and think. Or rather, don't think, just clear your mind a little and come back to the problem with a calmer mind. Really, truly think about what you want and what it means to you. Life doesn't always come out like we want, but we can choose to love it or hate it.

[UndertheOcean]

14. Thank you for all those replies

I will read them later ...I went to the campus doctor and he gave me AMbien, havn't slept since saturday...

but dam, its not working took it 30 minutes ago , still nothing.

I shudder trying to remember my though patterns westerday,,, and my family , while bigited , they are my famiy he will literallry kneel over and die from a heart attack,,,

not now, not now ,
mow
i just wast to fucking sleep ,



i am thinking of trying another Ambien, but my rational brain is screaming stick to the dose !

[closeupready]

25. You mentioned campus. Do you have a GLBT organization there?

They can help you find others who have been where you are and been through the same feelings.

I'm not sure why you think there's anything ugly about wearing a dress. I have several male friends who wear dresses and high heels, makeup, and who look really good. In my opinion, it's fun to use clothing and accessories like glasses and jewelry in order to play around with different looks.

Anyway, you don't have to do everything all at once. First, find someone to talk to about your feelings, maybe another man who likes to wear dresses. And take it from there. :)

[qb]

16. I know the pain of shame and embarassment

I somehow managed to move past it... there is no need for them. I hope you can move past it too.

Perhaps for now you will want to protect your father from his coronary and choose a venue in which you can comfortably wear whatever you like. Dresses are cool.

[VaYallaDawg]

22. Hey Under!

Lost in VA is SOOOOO right - stop the ambien and booze - right now!

You're not guilty of anything, and those chemicals won't help you one bit.

Wanting to wear a dress, or your hair long, or wishing that you were a woman - none of that stuff matters a bit. You're not a bad person because of how you feel inside. The only time any of us is bad is when we hurt other people.

And if the way you feel is "hurting" your dad, that's tough for him - it's his problem, not yours. Sure, you can internalize it and make it your problem, but your hopes and dreams - no matter what they are - are not bad in and of themselves.

[mitchtv]

29. Finish your education

especially if you expect a hateful reaction from your family , like being cut off, or worse. Your first obligation is to yourself. Please consider your future before doing anything which might endanger it. It might be better to "closet" for a while while you take care of business. I'm sorry that I didn't.

[Jamastiene]

32. I had a similar experience.

I came out at 18, thinking people would accept me. I was pretty naive to think that. I learned the hard way that you have to choose your close friends and people you trust, very carefully, and you have to learn to cope with society's narrow mindedness.

[UndertheOcean]

33. Thank you for all the replies ...

I appreciate every single one of them , and they did really help me with my inner dialogue. and still help me , I will be more specific with each kind person who replied after my brain relaxes a bit , I am still too wound up

I had a total mental breakdown over this and had to stay under observation overnight.

while drifting in and out of sleep I heard an employee tell his colleague "The homo is in room ###" blurting my room number

I can't afford to emotionally get angry at this , but it frustrates me what a tough battle is it going to ... I don't have much friends and I am terrified of losing some of them.

I will just rest for now.

peace out.