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> WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
>
> Dear Diary,
> For my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear) purchased a week of
> personal training at the local health club for me.
>
> Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football
> cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go
> ahead and give it a try.
>
> I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer
> named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics
> instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
>
> My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
> encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
>
> ________________________________
> MONDAY:
> Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was
> well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting
for me.
> He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a
> dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
>
> Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching
> the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my
> workout today. Very inspiring!
>
> Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was
> already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This
> is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
>
> ________________________________
> TUESDAY:
> I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
> Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air
> then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
> treadmill, but I made the full mil e. His rewarding smile made it all
> worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!!
> It's
> a whole new life for me.
>
> _______________________________
> WEDNESDAY:
> The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
> counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
> hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
> steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
>
> Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered
> other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in
> the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is
> VERY annoying.
>
> My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the
> stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate
> an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would
> help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
>
> _______________________________
> THURSDAY:
> Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his
> thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
> being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.
>
> He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran
> and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.
>
> Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
> _________________________________
> FRIDAY:
> I hate that #@%*&! Christo more than any human being has ever hated
> any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
> anemic, anorexic little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my
> body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
>
> Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And
> if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells
> or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
>
> The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
> Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
> choir director?
>
> ________________________________
> SATURDAY:
> Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly
> voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice
> made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked
> the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven
> straight hours of the Weather Channel.
>
> ________________________________
> SUNDAY:
> I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go
> and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year
> my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal
> or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he
> would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
>
:hi: E-mail, no link.
>
>
>
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