Newborn sleeping in bed with parants?

[Orrex]

My good friend became a father about three weeks ago when his wife gave birth--after an arduous pregnancy and labor--to a healthy and beautiful girl. The parents are both wonderful people: compassionate, warm, open, honest. I haven't spoken with mom for several months, but I see my friend at work almost daily. He has that slightly shell-shocked look that I recall from when my son was very small, and it's heart-warming to hear my friend becoming aware of the joys and anxieties of new parenthood.

But yesterday my friend revealed that their tiny girl routinely sleeps in bed between mom and dad at night, and I have to confess that I felt intensely uncomfortable with the revelation. Since it could be argued that it's none of my goddamn business, I kept my mouth shut, but I wanted to solicit other opinions.

Everything--and I mean everything--that I read while my wife was pregnant urged new parents NOT to sleep with the infant, because the risks can be terrible, whether they're subtle or obvious. A newborn can become tangled in blankets or stuck under a pillow, or a parent can roll on top of her, or any of a thousand things.

I understand that such contact can help form an emotional bond, and that it may be easier to keep the child close by for nursing, and I understand also that this is not uncommon in Europe. But I'm really concerned about it, in my friend's case. Unless he asks my opinion, I have no intention of telling my friend how to care for his child, but I still wanted to see what people think.

What's the local wisdom on this subject? Are the risks exaggerated? Are the benefits so great that they outweigh the risks?

[mopinko]

1. mine all did. but i had homebirths, also.

i find it hard to believe that we are the only animal that cannot sleep with our babies. especially since we are naked animals. just like i wasn't about to treat birth as some sort of engineering fete.
but, i do see the stats on sids, or whatever. i do not know how much research has been done on correlation with alcohol use, etc., as well as the fluffy bedding that is implicated in other sids deaths. instead of just trying to talk people out of it, they should be educating them on the same factors as others, sleeping on their back, proper bedding, etc.
but, babies die in cribs, and babies die in hospital births. horror stories and data blips aren't research. i always tried to accepting the risks that mr darwin's laws accepted, unless i really had reason to do otherwise.

[fight4my3sons]

2. My older son still sleeps with us.

He's three. He has his own bed in his own room that he likes to go to sleep in, but he always wakes up between 11pm-2am and comes in to our bed for the rest of the night. The twins slept in a co-sleeper that was pushed against the bed when they were born (I don't know where they would have fit in our bed), but they had horrible colic and preferred to sleep in their swings. They now like their cribs pushed up next to each other.

[prozacnation]

3. Mine always slept with me (still do if I let them)

With all three of my children, (who are currently 6, 10 and 13) I always found it easier to have them sleep in my bed. Especially because I nursed and night duty was all mine. My husband and I were always very aware that we had a baby between us. We never had any problems with our arrangement. Of course we were both in good health and not drinking or taking drugs (which could definitely compromise the safety of the baby). If I had another baby now I would not let the baby sleep between us because my husband has since been diagnosed with diabetes. He has had way too many high and low sugar issues to take the risk.

At the time I went with my gut instinct and I don't regret it for a second. Research and stats change all the time and can easily be manipulated. Not to say that there isn't any risk with co-sleeping but there is risk to so many things. Like the risks associated with many vaccinations, sending them to school, letting them drive, or go to parties, etc. At some point you have to look at the risks and then make an informed decision. If your friends have done that then I think you should leave them be.

[wildeyed]

4. I co-slept with mine off and on when they were newborns.

I was always very aware that they were in the bed with me. That was one of the reasons I never liked it very much. I always woke up stiff cause I was afraid to roll over. As soon as we were done with night nursing and colic, they slept pretty much exclusively in their cribs. But many of my friends co-slept all the time with no problems.

I don't know the statistics of risk vs. benefit. I have heard that co-sleeping babies have a lower rate of SIDS, but I don't know if that is true. My personal belief is that co-sleeping (or not co-sleeping) is fine if that is what works for the family.

[mzmolly]

5. I would not advise the "in between" thing but If they find a safe

side car arrangement I'm all for it. We did that for years. We removed the front bars of the crib and placed the crib in a corner, we then pressed our bed up to the open part and had one long bed. I slid my daughter over in her own little space at night, and if she needed to nurse, I slid her back to my side. Worked like a charm.

:hi:

[phylny]

6. I'm not a young mother, so my experience may be deemed to be

quite "old fashioned" (our youngest is 14).

When my babies were little and breastfeeding during the night, I'd pick them up from the bassinet and bring them into bed to nurse. We'd nurse, doze, burp, change a diaper, nurse, burp, and back into the bassinet.

Once as I changed sides to nurse, I put the baby between my husband and me. My arm was above her head, and we fell asleep like that, and I woke up when my husband's elbow came crashing down on my arm. If it had been the baby's head, he'd have inadvertantly hurt her.

After that, I'd be sure when we nursed that I was between the baby and my husband.

Having said that, I'm not an advocate of kids sleeping with their parents. I love all three of our children, but I slept much better without them in my bed. I find that coming into the parents' bed in the middle of the night is just learned behavior that once started is difficult to end. I know of people with 7 and 8 year old kids coming in to sleep in the middle of the night.

I don't think there's anything "wrong" with it, but it's a pain in the neck to be awakened EVERY NIGHT by a kid who needs you, when there's really no need for you - everyone should be getting a good night's sleep.

To each his or her own on this subject, but I was a better mother with a good night's sleep, and I valued my privacy with my husband too much to share the bed with the girls :)

[Debbi801]

7. I did the co-sleeping thing with all 3 of my kids from birth....

on. My oldest 2 are 13 and 11 and haven't slept with me for a LONG time--probably since theyw ere about 3-4 or so. My youngest is 4 and he still co-sleeps. I wouldn't have had it any other way. It made night time nursing sessions much easier and allowed everyone to get more sleep.

IMO, as long as you take precautions--no blankets or pillows near the baby's face, don't go to sleep in an alcohol or drug-induced stuppor, etc. the baby is safe co-sleeping with you.

[SoCalDem]

8. Mother Nature intended for babies to sleep with their Moms for warmth

but we have altered things with fluffy comforters, pillow-top mattresses, overstuffed pillows,so safety could be a modern issue.

That said, when my youngest was a baby, my husband would often get up, change him and bring him to me in bed to nurse him.. We would then just snooze off and on, and nothing bad ever happened to him..

It's probably a personal thing, and if they are comfortable with it, I would not 'say anything" about it to them..

[oregonjen]

9. With my second baby, I nursed in bed and it was so much easier

I slept better, my baby got to nurse and I could wake up in the morning much more rested and able to take care of my toddler and newborn. No problems and I would do it again if we had another baby. There is nothing wrong with having your baby in bed with you. In most other countries, it's the norm to co-sleep. Only in the US is there a big aversion to it.

[MediumBrownDog]

10. I had a co-sleeper attached to the bed, but

I can't count the number of times my son ended up sleeping in bed with me during the first 6 months, because he and I would fall asleep while he was nursing. Also, if he had a cold, I found it much better for him to sleep propped up in the crook of my arm.

I must say, however, that my son and I had the bed to ourselves because my husband is a horrible snorer and was long before banished to his "own" room. The hubby sleeps like the dead, and it probably would have made me a little nervous for all three of us to have slept in one queen bed together. But everyone has to go with their gut on this particular subject.

[Tab]

11. In theory, no - not between parents at night

for the reasons you cite.

That said, I had many afternoons when I took a nap with my infant son laying on my chest and we both napped. But I'm not sure I would trust having him loose in my bed with all of us asleep. But to sleep with him on your chest is just wonderful.

Also, you will need to get him sleeping on his own, otherwise you'll pay for it later, believe me.

[Dora]

12. Relax. If they're safety-conscious, they'll all be fine.

Our son is a year old now, so he's survived the first few terrifying months. His crib is in our room, and will be for another few months. Even with the crib in our room, he has slept between us with frequency -- sometimes more, sometimes less, depending on circumstances.

If your friend's wife is breastfeeding, then having the baby in bed makes a lot of sense. Breastfed babies NEED to eat more often than formula-fed babies. I had a couple of weeks where it seemed like I was nursing Jacob almost every two hours around the clock. Having him in bed made these nights much, much easier, and far more restful than they would have been otherwise.

Having the baby in the middle is a precaution to prevent the baby from rolling off the bed. If the infant is positioned higher in the bed (between the parents heads) then there is less risk of a parent rolling on top of the baby. As well, if the baby is positioned lower on the bed (between the parents' torsos) there is a greater likelihood that bedding may cover the baby's face.

If the baby is swaddled for warmth and not surrounded by puffy blankets and superfluous pillows, then that little treasure will be fine where she's at, between her loving parents.

[OnionPatch]

13. We did it with our daughter

It was not my plan to have her in the bed. I had bought a co-sleeper that I tried to keep her in, but every single time I moved her over into it, she woke up and started screaming. The only time she would sleep was when she was right next to me. I was desperate for some rest so I just gave in. After awhile I got used to it and started to like it. It just felt right somehow.

Believe me, we did all sorts of things to make it as safe as possible. We didn't keep her in between us, just on my side of the bed because I am a very light sleeper. She was between me and the co-sleeper so there was no danger of her falling out. We used small, firm pillows, blankets kept very low and tucked in at the foot of the bed. I pretty much slept frozen in position until she was old enough that there was no longer any risk.

I've heard all the pros and cons on this and I think it probably can be dangerous for some people, especially fitful or deep sleepers. On the other hand, I also think it's perfectly natural for a baby and its mother to sleep together and I'm certain that's the way it was throughout most of the history of mankind. At least until we invented furniture.

[DemExpat]

14. We had a family bed for years....no regrets at all, it was fun, cosy,

and only sometimes a hassle.

I must say I did keep my newborn on the side of the bed (with chairs up against it to fence them in)

I also think it might be all of the fluffy comforters and pillows that might cause danger for a baby, perhaps a parents' drinking alcohol or taking sleep meds....but I know that on a subconscious level I was constantly aware of my babies in bed with me, and felt I got more rest nursing them through the night this way.

It also seems very strange to me that babies have always slept with the parents, and now one study shows it is dangerous.

DemEx

[demgurl]

15. It may bother you but you do not know all of the details.

We slept with our first little one between us almost every night for at least a month. We had fears but we made sure our mattress was firm and

I had this amazing pillow we set him in. I have bad back problems and had acquired this pillow to help me sleep at night. It was curved up on both sides and had a valley in the center. When we turned it sideways it was a perfect, and safe, valley for him to sleep in. The pillow was very firm and so the curved up parts made sure we never rolled over on him and the valley made sure he stayed in one place and did not go anywhere.

This method worked so well and everyone who saw it said they wished they had had one or that they wanted one. I was tempted, for a while, to market the pillow for new parents.

New parents, especially on their first time, are usually overprotective and go overboard with safety measures. I bet your co-worker is the same way. I would rest easy and concentrate on other things. By the way, I do commend you for caring so much.

[bleedingheart]

16. nothing wrong with it...

there are risks but there are risks with everything.

I personally never did the cosleeping thing. My husband is a very light sleeper and he would have been a zombie if our kids had slept next to us....

My kids slept in cribs in their own rooms. No one has sleeping problems...except hubby...he is still a light sleeper.

[Sequoia]

17. Hogwash is all I can say.

Babies have been sleeping with their moms for thousands of years.

[electron_blue]

18. if they aren't drinkers, baby will be fine.

They're probably aware of the precautions to take, such as not stuffing baby under the blankets. My newborn slept either in the bed, or right next to it, in a bassinet.