Let Sleeping Dogs Lie

[RebelOne]

Whoever said "Let Sleeping Dogs Lie" didn't sleep with dogs. The first
thing you discover when you bring a dog onto your bed is the striking
difference in weight between an alert, awake dog and a dog at rest.

Rule Number One

The deeper the sleep the heavier the dog. Most people who sleep with dogs develop spinal deformities rather than rent the heavy equipment necessary to move their snoring canines to a more appropriate part of the bed. Cunning canines steal precious space in tiny increments until they have achieved the center position on the bed - with all covers carefully tucked under them for safekeeping. The stretch and roll method is very effective in gaining territory. Less subtle tactics are sometimes preferred. A jealous dog can worm his way between a sleeping couple and, with the proper spring action from all four legs, shove a sleeping human to the floor.

Rule Number Two

Dogs possess superhuman strength while on a bed. As you cling to the edge of the bed, wishing you had covers, your sweet pup begins to snore at a volume you would not have thought possible. Once that quiets down, the dog dreams begin. Yipping, growling, running, kicking. Your bed becomes a battlefield and playground of canine fantasy. It starts out with a bit of "sleep running," lots of eye movement and then, suddenly, a shrieking howl blasted through the night like a banshee wail. The horror of this wake-up call haunts you for years. It's particularly devastating when your pup insists on sleeping curled around your head like a demented Daniel Boone cap.

Rule Number Three

The deeper the sleep, the louder the dog. The night creeps on and you fall asleep in the 3 inches of bed not claimed by a dog. The dog dreams quiet slightly and the heap of dog flesh sleeps - breathing heavily and passing wind. Then, too soon, it's dawn and the heap stirs. Each dog has a distinctive and unpleasant method of waking the pack. One may position itself centimeters from a face and stare until you wake. The clever dog obtains excellent results by simply sneezing on your face, or they could romp all over your sleeping bodies - or the ever-loving insertion of a tongue in an unsuspecting ear.

Rule Number Four

When the dog wakes - you wake. So, why do we put up with this? There's no sane reason. Perhaps it's just that we're a pack and a pack heaps together at night - safe, contented, heavy and loud.

Author Unknown.

[China_cat]

1. You forgot the nighttime flatulence.

The ones where you are allowed to just start dropping off into sleep when you're brought stark staring upright in the middle of the room trying to get away from the stench.

[radfringe]

2. squeak toy

in the ear --- GET UP - DAYLIGHT AWASTING -- HEY HEY IT'S TIME TO PLAY --- squeak squeak squeak....drooooolllllllllllllllllll

[American Tragedy]

3. LOL, Rule Number Two definitely resonates!

Stanzy has the most active, melodramatic dreams of any creature I have ever seen. I was horrified when I first observed this phenomenon - I literally thought she was having a seizure, until I noticed the familiar rolling motion under her eyelids.

As a psych student, I know very well how important REM sleep is to individual mental stability and clarity, but sometimes I'm very tempted to wake her up.

But, what the hell. We're a pack. :7

[SiouxJ]

4. Pillow grabber

my Boris is a pillow grabber. If I get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night, I know I'll come back to find him using my pillow as a dog bed. He loves pillows and thinks they are fair game if you leave yours.

Natasha has this habit of sleeping with her front legs outstretched as far as they will go. Sometimes I wake up with her paws sticking in my face. I think she must dream that she's Superman, flying through the air, as that's what she looks like when she sleeps in this pose.

[flvegan]

5. They forgot: Rule Number Five

Vacancies are very temporary. Should one get up to use the lavatory, get a glass of water, adjust the a/c or heat or any other reason, one WILL come back to find the previous sleeping area occupied.

This may be due to the dog wanting the warmest spot on the bed. It may be due to simple sleeping adjustments. Most likely, though, that dog is jumping your bed-land claim.

Your chances of getting said space back is slim, unless noise and movement isn't any issue at all. However, if you have a spouse/partner sharing that bed, you may opt to not attempt such a surgical maneuver for fear of waking/disturbing said partner. Besides, you're just too tired and the couch isn't that far away.

Personally, I share my bed with a couple dogs. One, my pit bull princess, who likes being UNDER the covers. She shoves herself right up against my legs, and movement is futile. Two, my great dane, IS the bed. No matter how small he makes himself, he's still huge. Sort of like sleeping with a Volkswagen.

[dogonarug]

6. Rule # 6

Spin counterclockwise 3 times, then lay down positioning the Dog butt as close as possible to the face of the ruling biped to take advantage of the warming breath from the biped to the aforementioned Dog butt...repeat 6 times nightly.