I, inadvertently, did a very bad thing

[laylah]

and my heart is broken. I have had a friend for the better part of 30 years. She used to be any easy going kinda gal, then she married the husband. Her world views have changed and become contrary to mine. We agreed no politics, she kept that pledge more than I, I am embarrassed to say.

Yesterday, I was angry with her and sent an e-mail to my sister. Somehow it wound up in my friend's mailbox...I DID NOT copy her! Needless to say, it has caused excruciating pain for her, something I did not realize as her husband sent me some of the most nasty, hate filled e-mails, I have ever received.

This morning, the local PD called me about an e-mail they had received from mr. personality. actually, they thought the e-mail was from me, which, of course it was not.

While at the PD, it was offered to me to turn these e-mails over to the DA for harrassment...I declined.

When I got home, I read more closely what the husband had said and had an epiphany! As I said earlier, an e-mail meant only for my sister found its' way into my friends box.

NOW I understand, and I am so devastated I have caused undue harm to her, irreparable harm to our relationship. I cannot shake this feeling of guilt, although I KNOW I did not do this deliberately. I have no idea how it happened. I need hugs and wisdom, please :cry:

[MorningGlow]

1. Many hugs

:hug: :hug: :hug:

Oh Laylah, I'm so sorry you feel bad about this. However, I got the strong sense that it was no accident that your e-mail ended up in your friend's inbox, nor was it an accident that her husband's threatening e-mail came to the attention of the police. If someone wasn't forwarding your e-mails on purpose, then the universe WAS. Consider it divine intervention either way.

Your friend has made her choice--to see the world her husband's way. I's not your job to change her (nor have you tried, of course). But neither should you suffer with undue stress caused by your friendship. You vented to your sister, but your friend saw it--perhaps it will wake her up as to how much she's changed. Perhaps she'll realize that siding with her husband's views isn't healthy (maybe not immediately, but it's entirely possible she can change back after her task with her husband is complete--that happened with my former best friend).

And let's look at the wayward e-mail that ended up with the police another way: It may have come to their attention to protect your friend. Let's face it--if the husband can be that violent and hateful in an e-mail, he sure has the potential to do the same in real life, even possibly against your friend. That "accident" may have saved her life. (Sorry to sound so hyperbolic, but without knowing more about these people, I'll just go for the extreme to make a point.)

Don't forget what era we're moving through now. Extraneous things (and, unfortunately, people) have to fall away. But don't give up on her; if she shuts you down now, continue to send her light in the hope that she'll eventually stop being her husband's shadow and return to her former self. Sending light for all involved. :hug:

[FirstLight]

2. let the dust settle

later on, you can just write a simple apology, say it was mistakenly sent and leave it at that.

The breakthrough we have all been experiencing is coming in lots of forms. It could be about how you communicate and watching what you say, no matter the audience... it could be about not letting others be abusive to you....it could be about aloowing for change and release of people and things that you have been holding on to because of the past, that you may not be able to carry into the future...

everything shifts, even friendships. I have "lost" friends only to find them again years later when circumstances have changed. maybe she is in a negative marriage and has to find her own way out before you can reconnect...maybe she needed this catalyst to help her see some stuff..

Try not to be so hard on yourself and take in the hurtful stuff thrown at you by those who live in dark and fear. (easier said than done, i know)

recognize that right now we are being asked to clean out our personal spiritual closets, and that can take on many forms.

:hugs: I know you didn't mean to cause a ruckus or problem, just try to allow the real lesson to unfold.

[laylah]

3. Thank you...I feel a peace

creeping across me as I read your words. I do not believe in coincidences, I know this happened for a reason; however, it is the pain I have caused her that has me at a standstill. I haven't a nasty bone in my body, even my (former) NY'er husband would tell you that, and he has many of those nasty bones. I am just sick. Have been praying to Creator of All to send her healing and peace. I truly am sad but thank you both for your insights.

BTW, her hubby may be a jerk, but I have also known him for years and would never worry about her safety...and she would have told me...once upon a time.

Jenn

[Celebration]

4. I'm not quite getting the facts

Why did the PD think that an email that they had received was from you????

I know you are concerned about your friend but if someone is hacking your account I am concerned about YOU!! Does your friend use email apart from her husband? I would be tempted to forward those to her! Sheesh.

Good luck with this. I know it hurts to lose a friend.

[laylah]

6. No, Dean, the

wanna be PI, sent those e-mails to the PD...making a true ass out of himself. That aside, I am devasted for the unnessary pain I have caused this long time friend. I understand there will be no reconcilliation, because she won't get it! Then again, if I was shamed PUBLICALLY, would I?

[Cleita]

5. I have lost some friends in the past due to

THE HUSBAND. I guess you'd better write her off. I had to. I doubt if your email had anything to do with it. He probably got it first and never gave it to her. I had the same problem with the husband of a dear life long friend who wouldn't give my friend my phone messages. Since she had changed jobs I couldn't reach her at work and he wouldn't tell me where she worked other than it was at a bank. I honestly don't think she had suddenly turned on me as we were very close before she met him and we continued to have a friendship until the day after the wedding. Another mutual friend of ours also complained that she felt snubbed because the woman in question never kept in touch with her after she got married. It's unfortunate that these jealous men are so controlling that they effectively cut their wives off from any outside influences

[laylah]

7. Cleita...I know what you are saying; however,

I also know this was not the case. He is only an asshole when it comes to hurting his wife, not an abuser. I cannot stress enough this was MY MFU...I hurt...for her...and for my loss of her.

[Celebration]

8. If this is how you feel

you MUST apologize to her, for your sake, whether or not you think she will listen.

I am not sure how you made all this public. Wasn't it her hubby who spread it around?

Write her a note and tell her exactly what happened from your perspective, and what actions you took that you now consider wrong. After that, it is up to the universe. There is no need to continue to blame yourself. Try to make it right, and if it fails, so be it.

[laylah]

14. I did apologize as soon as I

realized what happened. I sent a note to "mr. personality" and her, expressing my deepest apologies. I got back another rant from him, calling me everything from a "sick f*ck" on...I don't think the apology worked. :rofl: All is okay...this happened for a reason. Thanks for your input. :hug:

Jenn

[Celebration]

20. Yes

Good. You can let it go. Everyone makes mistakes. Not everyone owns up to them. I am proud of you. :hug:

[Dora]

15. be careful about those shades of grey

"only an asshole when it comes to hurting his wife, not an abuser"

Abuse is abuse, and emotional and verbal abuse take their toll on the spirit in an insidious and soul-crushing way. If she has changed her ways in order to accommodate his assholishiness, she's showing codependency and poor boundaries. And the more room that she give him to treat her badly, the worse his treatment of her will become. I know of what I speak.

There is a lesson in here, probably more than one. Ask yourself the hard questions about yourself, and don't be afraid of the answers. Now is the time.

[woo me with science]

9. Sincere apologies

without defensiveness are exceedingly rare these days and often very much appreciated. Especially after a 30-year friendship.

[I Have A Dream]

10. Very true. nt

[laylah]

11. ...

:grouphug: Thank you ALL...I am only trying to orchestrate the feelings with the actions. I am sad...she did not deserve this...nor did I in the form of a silly error. It hurt her more than it did me.

:hug: Thank you all.

eta spelling

[Proud_Lefty]

12. I've been in this situation before and feel your pain

But, for some reason, sitting back completely out of the situation, I'm just seeing it differently. She's been a friend for 30 years and you've been frustrated with your differences and her husband. Why would she be so devastated about the truth? If it makes you angry, why can't you let her know that? Isn't that where healing starts? With the truth? Too often, we hold the truth down under the radar which we all know is extremely unhealthy. Eventually it always rises to show itself, even if it takes more than one lifetime. So the truth comes out and instead of everyone playing with their exposed cards on the table, you're painted as the hideous villain. You're so overcome with the fear of causing her pain, yet where are his concerns, or her concerns for that matter, about the attacks on you that were literally designed to cause you extreme pain? And if she can't see it herself, nothing you can say to her with help her see it. (Obviously, she has different political views as you, i.e., Republican.) She doesn't want to see reality, at least at this point. When and if she opens her eyes, your friendship stands a chance at being something better than it's ever been. Until then, I just don't know what you have to work with.

[laylah]

13. I have walked on eggshells with her

for years. She doesn't know how to discuss, only how to attack when she disagrees. I don't believe in coincidences, this happened for a reason, I am just sad it has caused so much pain, all around. Thanks for answering. :hug:

[Proud_Lefty]

17. Yes, it happened for a reason

Probably because that's your lesson in life right now. You're going to benefit. Unfortunately, she's not going to get it for a while. Much light to you. It's always sad parting ways and heavy on the heart. Maybe it might help if you think about a pre-life agreement you might have made with her where she agreed to play this role in your life for the purpose of this lesson. Now that she has taught you the lesson, it's time to move on. Remember her for the good she has given you, not the bad. Lighten your heart. It might help. :hug:

[get the red out]

16. Truth is necessary

I have been in situations all my life where the truth was considered the greatest evil and you have to dance around it and make sure not to touch it. This is a hard way to have any relationship. I lost a friendship over politics and religion one time. I simply disagreed with a friend over something she thought was wonderful, done in the name of religion, when I thought a great harm had been done. And even though it wasn't a yelling match and I ended the conversation telling her I loved her, we have not spoken in about three years over that. I just ran low on pretend and appease that day I guess, and lost a friend. But I have trouble not sharing my truth and just going along with someone else. And believe me, having difficulty in hiding my true feelings on things has cost me alot along the way.

[Proud_Lefty]

18. So sorry to hear that, GTRO

It just shouldn't have to be like that. Our society has been built on so many lies and pretenses that we can't be ourselves? Something's got to give.

[get the red out]

19. As with the OP

It was just something that was bound to happen.

I agree with you,something has to give.

[BanzaiBonnie]

21. And sometimes anger is appropriate

IF you deal with it in a good way.

A taste from today's blog:


What is the purpose of anger and how do we handle it?

Anger is necessary so we are not crushed by the will of other people.

<snip>
You don’t need to confront — just release. You don’t have to confront the offending party directly. Make your statement of what is wrong and let it go.

There is no need to be compliant or complacent — take action to rectify a situation.

Anger is a trigger. It means pay attention. As pain is to an injury or insult in the body.

Anger is not to be feared — use it. Many in the “New Age” movement of love, light and fluffy, fear anger and so they stuff it in their bodies. Do not hold onto anger. Do not deny anger. It will not make you and better person to deny that sometimes you are angry. Just make sure you handle it correctly.

[I Have A Dream]

22. Yes, righteous indignation definitely has its place...

as long as we don't use it as a rationalization for bad behavior.

When I was in high school, I had a friend whose father was a Christian minister. My friend and her mother would often justify many mean-spirited actions by labeling them as righteous indignation. They latched onto the fact that there were times when anger was appropriate and used that to excuse hurtful actions.

[get the red out]

23. I certainly agree with that!

I have experienced feeling anger and needing to discuss its source with an uninvolved person only to have them flinch and basically run away from me because (I suppose) they are on a spiritual path that doesn't allow for it. If a person doesn't own their feelings they can't get through and resove them, so they DO stick inside and cause problems.

[Ricochet21]

24. It's no doubt this is "due" to the Saturn return

28 years later. I know it won't make you feel any better, but I just lost my best friend of 40 years.
back to you...

Saturn didn't cause it. The 28-yr revolution of Saturn brings things to a natural "end". They can continue, but facts on the table can no longer be avoided.

Berlin wall came down after 28 yrs
Johnny Carson show, 28 yrs

It was no accident. It really wasn't any of the husband's business. All you can do it put it all on the table with her; if the rel. is healthy enough, it will open up for another 28, I think.

Best of luck to you.