AAauuuugh!!! Help me please....

[bliss_eternal]

Please excuse my primal scream, I just needed to get that out. lol. This is a follow-up to my other thread about the friend I was editing for, that tried to get me to do his work for him...:eyes:

Today, I got a message from him, stating he completed some of the rewriting work. I was happy to hear that he is progressing. But I really didn't like the rest of the message.

He is *again*, asking me to look his work over. He started by saying "have me proof it," but ended with saying "have me look to see if he is getting his point across and doing what his advisor suggested." :banghead: Um, shouldn't he ask his advisor that?

I'm not open to proofing, editing or helping in any way. I thought that was clear after my last message. I'm glad he finally got to work on it. But I can't help him. Why doesn't he ask his advisors if "he's getting it...?" :crazy: I've never done this kind of thing before, so why ask me?

To me, it sounds like another attempt to pick my brain or (translation) get me to do work for him. My husband was the first to retrieve the message and agreed with my interpretation of his message. :(

I haven't returned the call, and at this point, don't plan to. I don't feel I can say what I have to say to him right now in a clear, coherent and KIND way, so I choose to remain mute.

ARGH! What am I doing wrong?

[cassiepriam]

1. You aren't doing anything wrong.

It is him. He should be wrapped in that yellow caution Police tape, as a warning to others. Poor guy, he is still suffering, and everyone else is going to suffer with him.

[bliss_eternal]

2. Hey cassie (lol)

I was hoping you were around and saw this. Isn't this insane? Am I right to not return his call?

I might be inclined to call back if I knew I could just leave a message, but he's there. :scared: I just don't want to talk to him ...

Don't get me wrong--I feel for him. I totally do. But I just don't see that there is a thing I can do for him. Even editing would turn into more. No thanks.

[cassiepriam]

4. Hi Bliss

Yes it is insane, that is his condition at this point.

I do not know the nature of the arrangement you two have, but if you have no contractual obligation to him, or owe him work for money he has paid you, I do not see why you have to keep having this dysfunctional relationship with him.

I would somehow let him know that he is going to have to find someone else to do the work, that you are no longer able to do it for him. I would not say more than that, he will just get defensive. He needs to know so he is not left in the lurch.

Maybe you can just drop him a note in the mail, so you aren't in a position where he can bully you on the phone.

[bliss_eternal]

5. Good idea--

--I still have a copy of his work that he gave me the last time we spoke. I was planning to return it to him. This is a great excuse to do so! I'll include a note stating I'm not available for the job and wishing him well. Thanks so much, cassie! :hi:

Oh and just so you know, I have no contractual obligation at all, which is part of why I'm confused about all of this. :crazy:

I know he's well versed in issues of dysfunction, his having worked with coda groups in the past--which makes it all the more baffling. lol. Some of what I've done in this situation to set boundaries and detach are things he's offered in the past in regards to dealings with others--making this thing all the weirder in a way.

Kind of funny when I think of it...:rofl:

[cassiepriam]

15. Yes it is ironic, but not unusal....

Just because someone teaches others how to be healthy doesn't
mean he behaves in a healthy way. (like the physician who smokes, etc.) And right now this fellow is desperate and not thinking about others, just his own pain.

This is all about boundaries for you, and being assertive.
Read the post by Cleita.... she is right on.

[Cleita]

3. Pretend to be Nancy Reagan and just say no! LOL

Tell him you are too busy and he's going to have to find someone else. Don't allow him to put you in this situation. Be true to yourself and firm with him.

[bliss_eternal]

6. Hi Cleita--

LOL--Thanks! I hate doing so by mail, but it's the only way I feel I can 'just say no' and get out unscathed and disengaged. Shame I can't do one of Nancy's public service announcements just for this, 'eh? :hi:

[Proud_Lefty]

7. I've been in this position too many times

I always find myself being used because I'm not confrontational and people sense that. I'm a good trustworthy chump when it comes to these types of people. The bottom line is that you have an incredible amount of insight and spiritual energy that the world desperately needs right now. You don't have time to be bogged down with negative people using you. You have to learn to cut them off whichever way feels most comfortable to you. Once you rid yourself of this negative energy, you can move forward with your real destination, but for some reason, you must travel down this bumpy road and learn how to manuever it.

Oh, it's so easy for me to say this, but everytime I go through it, I agonize. It's not as easy as I make it sound, but life was never promised to be easy. But the end result is promised to be awesome.

[bliss_eternal]

9. I appreciate your saying this...

:hug: I really do. I needed to read something like this--and own the reality of the situation.

I guess I'm one of those people that some mistake my kindness for weakness. While I've got much better at recognizing this and setting boundaries, this one totally blindsided me. I never would have expected such from this person. So unfortunately, I've put up w/more from him than I generally would--not expecting him to take advantage of me or try to use me. :mad:

Thanks for your positive words, ProudLefty--I do appreciate it! :hi::pals:

[Proud_Lefty]

10. As time goes on, you're realize how true it is

They call these people "emotional vampires" and they drain all your good energy out of you. I just went through a weekend filled with these EV's, actually from my immediate family, and I've been off balance all week. I finally reached out myself to some very wonderful people (from DU of course) and they helped me back on track. There is so much happening these days and if we are to survive, we need to feed off the positive energy from the love around and within us and steer clear from the EV's of the world.

[Ecumenist]

8. Bliss, girl...

It's his problem and let him deal with it. You have enough on your plate without adding his issues. Does he plan to pay you, (at the going rate, btw), to "proofread" his paper? Now, I'm a bit more, err , assertive and would tell him, straight to the point, "it's your dissertation. If you want me to do the critiquing and "proofreading, which in essence, turns into partially writing your paper, then you'll not only have to pay me BUT I receive WRITTEN credit, brotherman." Watch how fast he backs up then. He 's taking your kindness for weakness and don't let him do it anymore. Of course, I'm a very strong willed Aquarian with my mercury in Capricorn so I don't mince my words, sometimes to my detriment.:hi:

[bliss_eternal]

11. Hey YOU!

:hi: I just saw this. It looks like we were posting at the same time--and had some of the same thoughts (kindness for weakness), how funny!

Your post cracked me up--thanks for bringing me some giggles!

Actually, he's always paid me when I do work for him. I just haven't taken on this task, and don't plan to. Like you said, it's his problem, not mine.

Given that I usually don't say no--he's probably in shock and/or confused. He'll get over it in time, when he see's that I stick to my guns and won't rescue him.

I can't allow myself to feel responsible for his reactions to my taking care of myself. This is just part of his reacting--still trying to suck me in to serve his needs.

We'll just rate this as an incomplete pass as I throw the ball back to him. ;) He can play with the people on his team. That IS what they are there for.

[Ecumenist]

12. Anytime, Bliss, anytime!

:thumbsup: :hi:

[rumpel]

13. Hi Bliss, I also think it is certainly ok to say no.

I also have a problem with saying no and most of the time go out of my way to accomodate. However, this often times ends up in the result of having neglected my own responsibilities.
I have a friend who always tells my daughter: "You have to be cruel to be kind." :dilemma:
Maybe you are doing him a favor by turning him down, and he will have to come to terms with his own responsibilties.
How about directly telling him, though? He surely must be waiting... with false hopes. A very neutral "No" commonly used is "no time", and if this is someone who does not recognize hints, it may well be that you have to add, "I truely believe, in the long run, it is best for you to take full control over your project."
I think phone is easier, and give him a choice to pick up his papers or receive them by mail.

:hi:

[bliss_eternal]

14. Sure it is--

ok to say no. Unfortunately I'm dealing w/someone that isn't "hearing it."

While I appreciate your input and advice, I won't be talking to this person by phone. I don't mean to sound rude, insensitive or uncaring, but I really don't owe him anything. He is putting himself in this position. Calling would be counter productive.

As for his paper, I only have that because he insisted I take it--another example of his desperation, and my inability to maintain my boundary with him.

I see it all as I'm typing this--I was saying no, I'm sorry. He was saying, "...well what about tomorrow?" :banghead:

I offered him options of how I could return it. He has not responded to that, so now he doesn't get a choice. He probably doesn't want it returned, because he wants to keep me engaged. So, I will return it through overnight mail, with a note letting him know (again) that I'm not available and reiterate he needs to seek the help of his advisors. It's ridiculous him saying he needs me to do anything. It's just a ploy to talk to me, because he knows I'm too nice to say No, go to hell, do your own work, ask your advisor, etc. etc.

I agree with cassie, that dropping a note in the mail answers his request, while not giving him an opportunity to bully me (or me to feel badly and let him). It also allows me to detach from this, physically and mentally. Maybe symbolically it will show him I'm done (I hope).

I can't be asked questions about something I no longer have in my possession can I? ;)