Ok, ladies and gents. I really need your input about something.

[lildreamer316]

I originally wrote this post two springs ago, fully intending to post it here and ask for your input then. This was about the time I posted that I'd had an "AHA" moment, if some of you remember. It was this incident that set me to pondering myself and got me to that moment, eventually. It helped me to understand that there are some things about my personality that I don't realize I have/do..I was not owning my true power, and therefore have probably misused it more than once. The following situation is, I believe, a good example of my misuse..or is it?

I think there is something definately going on here under the surface in a we-have-a-past-life-history kind of way,but I really don't know what it is, exactly.

I came to finally post this here because I ran into this person at a funeral Thursday (the funeral was for my friend I mentioned in the prayer thread). The last time I actually laid eyes on this person (not the one that passed!) was at another mutual friend and co-worker's funeral about three/four years ago.

I have edited the original post to update it a bit,but it smacks of my writing style of two years ago, which I think is a bit disjointed - but to be honest; I didn't want to re-type the whole darn thing. So if anything is confusing; feel free to ask for clarification.


Anyway; here goes:

k.

When I first started my career (check profile if you are wondering) back in '94; I met one of the four managers. We'll call him T.
Because I was new to the game; I worked days;'cause that's where you learned how to do this job. This was his shift.

Believe it or not; he struck me from the beginning as a very intelligent and kind person; spiritual but laid back; great quiet sense of humor. He was a tall and lanky boy with a ponytail and a gentle smile. I felt an instant kinship and was attracted from the first moment. However; I was in a relationship - and was much too intimdated by the manager-employee thing to ever show what I was feeling. I would have felt much too guilty. I also did not put too much importance on what I was feeling; because being so young to my relationship and due to the problems we were having, I did not trust my feelings and thought I was just being lustful.

So, we progress to about '96 or so.I have finally graduated to night shift; and so has he. He had a wife for the first few years I knew him (one who worked with us, but was conspicously not comfortable with the job); but they had broken up. A tribute to his (and her!) personality was that they were still friends and could still work together after this...

One night several of us went to a party after work. As luck would have it, everyone left us lingering outside on the front porch. All of a sudden I looked around and realized it was just him and me. I don't remember what I said; it wasn't anything really important. I know I did not say anything leading or hit on him in any way - at least,not that I know of. I did not feel he would be interested in me. I had always been careful to make sure I was not obvious...

We were drinking tequila, but I was not drunk.
Without warning, he takes me by the hand and leads (almost drags) me to the quiet second floor where there is an empty guest room.

You can guess the part I am not specifying...


....a few hours later; the sun is rising and I have to go, considering my boyfriend is asleep at our apartment. Guilt has overridden my young brain and I tell him I have to leave. He did not say anything except to ask if I was ok. I was so embarrased I do not say much else; except that I simply must go home.

The next day I am still so embarrassed and guilty I barely speak. I'm also mindful of the manager-employee thing; so I figure if anything else is to be said he will initiate contact; so I remain quiet.

Things remain this way for a long time. We never speak of this again.

When I say long time; I mean years.

It becomes apparent to me after awhile that he is avoiding me. Not in the patently obvious way; but he is making sure to not be in the area I am-every time. He will not meet my eyes. I can feel the 'stay-away' vibe coming off of him. He does not go to any more parties I am at, etc. Heaven knows how he knew which ones to avoid, but I digress...

At first I thought I had pissed him off. Like the young dumb girl I was; I had opened my mouth to a couple of girlfriends. Not that what had happened would be unusual; he in particular was not a promiscuous person; but was not known to be a prude either; if ya know what I mean. He was just a very free spirit.

However; when this studious but understated avoidance has now progressed into NOW; I begin to wonder what the hell really happened.

Let me explain. He left the company about two years after our thing. He married a girl I worked with; and they now have a beautiful child. She and I were friends; and we are all part of a bigger circle of friends from that time that still get together for occasions now and then; like birthdays and holdiay parties and etc. Yes, she does know. No biggie for her- at least it never seemed to be so. She is still very nice to me.

The few times I have encountered him since his quitting and marriage have been two parties and two (now three) funerals. At all these times (3 and 4 years ago respectively; and now just on Thursday) the avoidance was still obvious to me if not to anyone else. (really-trust me-I have a nose for these things). The major reason I wrote this post originally, is there was a party that he and his wife were invited to about two springs ago. I showed up. His wife was there; he was not. This would not have popped up in my psyche if it were not just so........obvious.

There was even an empty chair beside her.For no discernable reason. At a completely PACKED table.

We (she and I) spoke for well over half an hour. No explanation for him not being there. I don't remember being concious to not mention him or ask; I just instincitvely knew not to say anything. I did not even think about asking.

Look; I KNOW it sounds like I'm placing undue importance on myself in this whole thing; and I know it sounds like I have an unhealthy obsession with the situation; but I am telling you, it did not even jump into my conciousness until about a week afterwards. Then; I finally realized something was up.

It had always bothered me for a long time (until his leaving the workplace, and my finding my own way in my life) about the way we left it. Could never understand what the hell happened and why he never came forward to clear the air. I felt it was not my place to do so, considering. But it had always nagged me, and it bothered me that it nagged me. But it faded into the background of my life after he left, and never really became a problem until I noticed that YEARS after the fact he is STILL AVOIDING ME.

WHY??

We are both adults. This is not a big thing.If anyone can be friends after, it should be us. I know he is mature enough.

Um, what the hell do YOU think I'm missing about this equation?

Should I be flatterd or disturbed??

I don't want to be with him. I am with my match for this life; I am happy with the challenge and love provided me. I am upset, however, that someone I felt such strong respect and rapport for wants to AVOID me.

Goodness. Writing it out makes me sound like a lovesick woman in denial. I'm telling you, that's not what it is. It IS something on a soul level that I am suddenly curious about again, after a long time of forgetting what was going on. I strongly believe this has reared it's head for a reason. To be honest; I feel as if he has done me a service I should be thankful for, but release him from; and I don't know how. And I wonder- is there anything I am not seeing?

I have a new sense of dedication to my present relationship; and a new understanding of both of our parts. This is all part of the AHA moment I posted about before. I just wanted your input, valued friends. If anyone will understand what I am really saying, it is you.

(end of old post here..)

Shawn and I are fine, and I have no lingering fantasies about this person. I don't feel 'drawn' to him; I don't even think about this situation until I happen to run into him..and then the avoidance smacks me in the face. As a very outgoing person, it upsets me (unreasonably, I know) that someone that I like does not like me. Maybe this is just an ego thing. But..I don't really think so.

So, silly as this all is, any insight you all have would be welcomed. You are also,of course, free to tell me that I'm crazy and need to rein in my self-importance.

It just really does not make any sense to me.

Thanks for listening to my rambling...:)

[I Have A Dream]

1. OK, this is what I got.

You never indicated that you were interested in him, even though you were. You say that he almost dragged you (although you didn't resist) -- I know that you were exaggerating, but there's at least some truth to it. I'm thinking that he thinks that you felt as though you had to do what you did because he was your boss. I don't think that he thinks that you were unwilling, but I think that he is uncomfortable with the fact that it might not have happened if he hadn't been your boss. (i.e., that there was at least some intimidation involved in your decision to not resist his advances.) You know that's not true, but why wouldn't he think that? You'd never indicated in any way that you were interested, you were uncomfortable afterwards, you never mentioned it again, etc. Maybe when you didn't say anything about it, he thought that you were upset at what transpired between the two of you and that you were upset with him personally.

If he is as you say (e.g., a kind, spiritual person), I can't see how he would feel otherwise. If indeed he thinks that you might not be very happy about the situation, maybe he's staying out of your way so that you're not uncomfortable as well.

Maybe I'm wrong, but if I'm not, I don't know how you get past this. :(

[lildreamer316]

7. Well..

yes, and no.
Remember when I said that I had opened my mouth to a couple of girls?
That means that I told them what happened, and that I had always liked him. Anything I would have said about him would have been flattering and very, very favorable. It being a nightclub with a bunch of girls - trust me, I am 99.9% sure that he knew I had said something to someone. Gossip and more gossip.

I thought he was mad because I had not kept our tryst to myself; and was (probably from his viewpoint) "bragging" about it. My best friend at the time was notorious for NOT keeping a secret, but I was naieve enough to think she would keep mine.

He wasn't immediately cold; this avoidance issue developed over a number of months...
and I really, really believe that he is the kind of person who would have sat me down and asked me if he thought there was a serious issue to be talked about. He is not a non-confrontational person, but he is very slow to anger..something I respected about him a lot.

Whatever this is, seems to embarrass him a lot,or be something that he really can't talk about.

I also firmly believe that he would not have 'dragged' me to the bedroom if he didn't know that there was something between us. There had always been a kind of energy interaction that we never said anything about. Such a person as he is, I don't believe he is capable of even inadvertently intimidating someone into doing something like that.
On that note, I don't think he would have liked me at all if I were the kind of girl who would have kept silent about something I was really uncomfortable with (that sounds judgmental but I don't mean it that way). Does that make any sense?

(copied from post#8):
I've just never seen someone hold onto something like this for this long. I mean, it's been over 10 years..over 12, really. I could understand if I'd done something REALLY bad; like prison-worthy,but this is just crazy. He's married to wonderful woman that I am sure he loves. Why bother to waste the energy to be upset/embarrased by me? THAT's my major question...why am I worth the energy he's still putting into whatever this situation is? I was willing to let it go a long time ago..until I felt it coming off of him. Whew.


But it is always possible, very possible, that what you propose is true. I'm going to let that possibility be in my head for awhile and see how it feels.

My bottom line..I can tell this is a wonderful, compassionate, spiritual person..that I have somehow caused to be angry, embarrassed and/or uncomfortable. I think I'm going to send a heartfelt apology out to the Universe and hope that it can make it's way to where it needs to go. I do wish I understood what he is feeling,but I guess that is not really meant to be.

Thanks for your insight.

[northernlights]

2. LET IT GO

That is what I get throughout.

Why he feels the need to avoid you and is uncomfortable around you is his issue. It could be any number of reasons, or any combination of any number of reasons.

Why you need to "understand" or "fix" this is your issue. The bottom line is he has a right to his issues. They are his issues, not yours. And he has a right to not want to be around you or connect with you. Whether that is what you want or not.

So you need to let it go; specifically let go of your obsession with what's going on in his head/heart/soul. :hug:

[lildreamer316]

5. Yes,

it only 'obsesses' me when I've just run into him...I will be able to let it go after a day or so. I guess it just upsets me that I still so obviously upset him. And yes, that is definately my issue!

I think I'm just going to send an apology out to the Universe, just in case. Then I think I will be able to relax.

Thanks for your insight.

[BlueIris]

11. Yep.

Sorry, lild, if that's not what you want to hear, but this is what I get, too.

[lildreamer316]

12. No, it's fine..

I just have a feeling that there's some apologizing I need to do. I'm just going to send it out to the Universe and be done with it.

[Why Syzygy]

3. When is his birthday?

Late January to late February?

[lildreamer316]

4. I really don't know.

I used to, and I'll try to remember. Sorry, lots of ADD here..LOL.

[Why Syzygy]

6. Don't want to jump to any

conclusions. But, he sounds like the Aquarians with whom I've been involved, who are able to leave things ambiguous while I want that closure, as you seem to. They have a shut off switch that we Leos do not. Unfortunately, I've found only time resolves that left hanging feeling. Sometimes LOTS of it.

[lildreamer316]

8. That's

quite possible..but I don't usually get along well with Aquarians..ha. Of course blanket statements are not a good thing either.
I seem to think he's a Libra? Hmmm. I'll let that rattle around in my head a bit.

I've just never seen someone hold onto something like this for this long. I mean, it's been over 10 years..over 12, really. I could understand if I'd done something REALLY bad; like prison-worthy,but this is just crazy. He's married to wonderful woman that I am sure he loves. Why bother to waste the energy to be upset/embarrased by me? THAT's my major question...why am I worth the energy he's still putting into whatever this situation is? I was willing to let it go a long time ago..until I felt it coming off of him. Whew.

Well anyway. It just felt good to get it out. I think I can let it go now.

[Why Syzygy]

9. What was the two springs ago

post triggered by?

[lildreamer316]

10. The birthday party

that his wife was at, where there was a conspicuous empty seat beside her that I can only assume he had vacated before I got there. I sat down next to her at an adjacent table, and she and I had a good, long, clear conversation with no tension whatsoever. But it was obvious that he had been there and left. Whatever the problem is,she either is not aware of it,or has absolutely no concern over it. He knew I had been invited to the party.

At the two funerals, she was not there/not in the immed. vicinity when we encountered each other. She would not have seen/felt his avoidance. The three of us have not been in the same room since about/over four years ago,at a Halloween party; and it was relatively easy to 'miss' whatever the problem was then because of the press of people.

[Grateful for Hope]

13. Hi Lildreamer

First of all, I think it was very courageous of you to post such personal information. I admire you for being willing to take a risk here.

Secondly, I agree with the posters here who are advising you to let this go. Whatever issues your ex-boss has, they are not your fault, and, they are just that -- his issues.

I got a feeling reading your post that your ex-boss may still be attracted to you. I think this possibility, if true, could account for the behaviors you have seen.

I could be wrong (have been known to be wrong once or twice in my life, LOL), but, this kind of makes sense to me.

In any event, I know from reading your posts here that you are a person who would be a wonderful friend, and, that, anyone who avoids you is missing out on what you have to offer.

[lildreamer316]

14. Thank you..

for your input.

I have to say that I agree with you, and I was really trying not to. To me, admitting that he may still be attracted to me after all this time (and his wonderful wife and etc.) feels self-indulgent and prideful..it smacks of too much "Leo"; something I try hard not to put any energy behind. But I can find no other reasonable explanation for his behavior except that he is angry with me..and that does not jive with what I know of him at all.

I just wanted to get some outside opinions on this before I lay it to rest. I think now that I have done everything I can short of confronting him (which is near impossible and would really not have any good result, methinks); I am going to let it go.

Thank you again for your kind words; I truly appreciate them.

[SheilaT]

15. Your comment about the past life

connection strikes me as very telling. It does make sense that there is a past life connection here, possibly some unfinished business between you two. Meanwhile, you both have other things going on in this life. I wish I could offer better insight than that or some good advice, but others here seem to be doing well there.

I know there's a man in my life that I had a very brief fling with thirty years ago. We both since married others, and did not see each other for twenty-five years. Then I was able to see him, briefly and still feel a sense of happiness from that meeting. I will probably never see him again in this lifetime. We have both had lives completely apart from each other. And yet, I'm convinced there's a connection.

The fact that you keep on seeing him at funerals is interesting, and suggest something, but I'm not sure just what. Maybe that you are there to record and remember the transitions?

Thank you for sharing such a personal story.

[lildreamer316]

16. Yes,

I bet it does suggest something that we keep running into each other at those points. But I, too, have no idea what. I might see if I can find out any info about that being a pattern with connected souls.

I feel better now that I finally shared then story with friends...better about it today most definately. I'm sending a heartfelt apology over the psychic pathways to him, and I think I'm going to have to hope that will do.

Thank you for your insight, and your kind words. It means alot.