The things you find when on the WWW

[NMMNG]

This blog is one of the most outrageous I've stumbled upon. It's called Anal Iced Bible (a take-off of "analyzed Bible") and after reading just half of one page I was in tears laughing. Be sure to keep it away from those who are easily offended.

[Warpy]

1. He's come up with some of my internal wisecracks

when I first read that thing cover to cover.

My mother didn't get around to reading it cover to cover until she was over 60. It was the final nail in the Irish Catholic church's coffin as far as she was concerned, "That's IT? That's what they made me afraid of all my life?" She was incredibly angry for a while, angry at superstition, angry at lying churchmen, angry at herself for buying any of it.

I'll bet her internal wisecracks were pretty pungent, too.

[NMMNG]

2. I'm going to visit there any time I need some good stress relief

I can't get through half a page without laughing aloud.


And I think half the reason so many people buy the nonsense in the Bible is because they haven't actually read it. They just get bits of it spoon-fed to them by their pastors/priests/etc. or read clips of it in church/Bible study once a week or so. They never realize how much of it is contradictory, illogical, preposterous and otherwise nonsense.

[MedleyMisty]

3. Yeah - and I still assume that people think like I do

I'm working on it, but well - I need consistency and accuracy in my opinions. Don't other people? So I always assumed that people who believed in the Bible had read all of it. I certainly wouldn't pick a worldview and belief system before exploring it as fully as I could.

So that sort of leads to a communication breakdown, because obviously they're hypocrites who don't really believe if they're not out there stoning people all the time and sacrificing livestock or whatever. When really they don't even know that they're supposed to be stoning people and only wearing certain kinds of cloth and not shaving their beards.

[NMMNG]

4. The past 10 years or so

have been an exercise in frustration arguing with the fundaloons. The Clobber Verses are meant to be taken literally and are both unalterable and undeniable. But all that other stuff? I've heard some of the most audacious explanations as to why it's either "not so important anymore" or downright doesn't apply--especially to them. I had one guy, for example, tell me that where Paul tells women not to wear gold and pearl jewelry (not so far away from where he mentions gays and lesbians) that "that was only a suggestion". But of course the stuff about gays/lesbians was a hardcore directive. :eyes:

[sarcasmo]

5. Suck it Jesus, on the front page, Priceless.

Thanks for the link.

[NMMNG]

6. He's great

:evilgrin:

[onager]

7. I thought you grumps might appreciate this as well...

I hate starting a whole thread, so I'll just hijack Buffy's.

:hi:

And thanks for the link! LMAO!

Today is a day off. I'm waiting for the Allahpalooza (prayer call) to end here in Egypt before I go wandering around.

In the meantime, I'm wasting time at Blender reading thru their lists of worsts.

Found this on the list, "The 50 Worst Songs Ever." I have to agree. I remember hearing this bleating POS ENDLESSLY during Operation Desert Storm. I was working in Saudi Arabia at the time, and thought the song must be some bizarre form of Iraqi psychological warfare meant to destroy the morale of U.S. troops. Though I dimly remember an even stupider Desert Storm song by some dumbass metal band whose name I have thankfully forgotten, "Show Us The Way" or somesuch. That one featured sound clips justifying the war from G. H. W. Bush and other famous rappers.

BETTE MIDLER
“From a Distance” 1990
Satanic ballad depicts the Lord as neglectful oaf

Ignoring an entire century of existentialism and science that declared God dead, bawdy bathhouse babe Bette Midler keeps a straight face throughout liberal homilies, stiff rhymes and more sound F/X than a Mel Gibson movie.

Sure, war and famine suck, but Midler assures us that “God is watching us, from a distance.”

In other words, the Almighty is some kind of heavenly grandfather, loving and caring, but too doddering and distracted to really get involved. Thanks, God!

Worst Moment: The drum machine. If God exists, He probably hates drum machines.

http://www.blender.com/guide/articles.aspx?id=819

[Warpy]

8. They missed the three worst pop songs of all time

"Muskrat Love," Captain & Tenille
"Honey," Bobby Goldsboro
"You Light up my Life," Debbie Boone.

All were so treacly they made your teeth hurt the first time you ever heard them, all had hooks that turned into instant earworms, and all appealed to sentimental saps who had absolutely no taste, so they were all mega hits played constantly, everywhere, for the next six months.

The site must be by a Gen Xer who completely missed the unmitigated awfulness of those examples of musical evil. Those three songs are worse than anything that has been produced before or since, including the complete output of the disco era.

My own personal favorite for the worst thing that happened to music was Creedence Clearwater. Their wappa wappa drum style was innovative and fresh to a lot of people, but producers with no taste insisted on inserting it into every track on every album thereafter for about five years, even when the track was melodic and needed no drum line at all.

At least the site agrees with me about Jim Morrison, in general, and "The End," in particular. I thought that was pretentious crap when I was 18. It has not aged well.

[onager]

10. They all got Dishonorable Mentions somewhere on the site...

Maybe in the category "50 Worst Things That Ever Happened To Music." I read so much of the site today that it sort of blurred together.

I know Pat Boone was ripped in one category, which mentioned his daughter's "You Light Up My Life" as "the worst song ever recorded in all of human history."

:rofl:

"Honey:" my friends and I used to joke that it was about a woman whose husband wrote such wussy songs, she ran off to California with a biker gang. ("One day while I was not at home, while she was there and all alone, the Angels came...")

The site missed some of my biggest bleeding earworms of all time too:

MacArthur Park--Four pretentious "song cycles" in one, and all 4 sucked. Jimmy Webb pretty much wrapped up everything wrong with the Sixties in one big bloated package: pompous, incomprehensible "poetry," overblown orchestral blowhardery that makes Yes sound like Green Day, and finally, it was sung by a drunken British ham who couldn't even get the possessives right. ("MacArthur'SSS Park is melting through the dark...") How bad was it? Webb originally wrote this monstrosity as a "rock cantata" for the forgettable Sixties group The Association. They rejected it. Rejected by The Association? Bwah!

My Way--jeez, you go out to a bar for a couple of quiet drinks and get assaulted by this preening ode to self-absorption. Even worse, the lounge singer in the corner ruining your conversation usually gets some help on this number, from a couple of drunken accountants or Assistant H.R. Managers roaring about doing it "their way." If hell existed and had a cocktail lounge this would be playing every night, along with "The Wind Beneath My Wings" and "Memory, from Cats" (as if we could forget!). The Sid Vicious version helped, but not much. An alarming number of my relatives are Elvis Presley fanatics. When I'm visiting and they put on The King's version, I like to cheerfully remind them that Doing It His Way meant dying on a toilet.

Pina Colada Song--Just WRONG, on so many levels. It makes me want to do a Double Van Gogh and hack off both my ears with a rusty X-Acto knife to keep it from infecting my head.

[Warpy]

11. "Someone left the caaaaake out in the raaaaain"

We used to look at each other and say, "What the FUCK is he yowling about? What the FUCK does that MEAN?" It later occurred to us that if we'd understood it, we'd have been as lame as the people who bought into it.

"You're Having my Baby" is another one that aroused me to murder. I actually did unplug a juke box when that one was playing. Jesus H. Christ, talk about fucking hubris.

"Memory" and "Send in the Clowns" weren't bad songs. It just should have been illegal for anyone under 35 to sing them. Lisping 6 year olds singing "Memory" in talent shows had me scrambling for the nearest exit.

[onager]

12. The whole Baby Song genre is a musical dirty diaper

As proven by "Danny's Song," one of Kenny Loggins' many crimes against humanity. Being forced to listen to Baby Songs is like being forced to look at baby pictures. Barely tolerable at first, but after having the 510th baby picture shoved in your face, you're ready to join a campaign for forced sterilization.

Country music is full of...irritating kid songs, often featuring entire choruses of rug-rats warbling off key. My mother has every one of them in her collection.

For the "Top Gun" soundtrack alone, Loggins should have been strapped under the wing of an F-14 and dropped on Libya.

"...in the D-A-A-A-N-G-E-R ZONE..."

[NMMNG]

9. That's a hell of a list

:rofl:

Achy Breaky Heart :puke:


Now here's another good one I ran across: Fundie Watch His post Teens 4 Facism really had me laughing.