Those darn biology teachers

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Farkus Adam Moley (R-Ladidah) is currently under investigation for unwanted advances against teenaged female congressional pages. Today, his lawyer revealed that Representative Moley is heterosexual and, when in high school, had a crush on his biology teacher.

"I wish to apologize to my family and my constituents", Representative Moley said. "I was tempted by biology in ways I never thought possible". His lawyer added that teaching biology in school puts our young children at risk of becoming heterosexual predators themselves.

"I deeply apologize," Representative Moley said. "I never thought my passing interest in heterosexuality could come to this."

Leading researchers note that at some point in their lives, though normally their teenage years, nearly every heterosexual male experiences an attraction to teenage girls. President Tush, father of twins himself, famously said, "I've had teenaged girls, and I'd rather go to war than have more teenaged girls. Laura would kill me if she found out I was still having teenaged girls."

With even 50-something supposedly ex-alcoholic frat boys swearing off teenage girls, what's a respectable teenage girl to do? Amber Parkinson (*not her real name) thinks she has the answer: abstinence. "Too many boys aged 10 to 18 just want to play Sudoku and do PlayStation and crosswords, and the media assails them with these sexual messages", she says. "If Representative Moley is trying to go out with teenage girls, how can a teenage boy resist? I can totally see how he can't help it, what with being a heterosexual growing up with today's media messages".

Amber's mother agrees. Muffy Parkinson (*not her real name) concedes, "If all children grew up watching Christian television like Veggie Tales, like mine did, there'd be no sex. Eventually - problem solved. Unfortunately our liberal media encourages pro-creation and the heterosexual agenda. How can we fight it?"

"I don't approve of what Representative Moley did", she added, "but, given our media, how could it have been otherwise"?

Representative Moley's high-school biology teacher had no comment.