What happened to my patience?

[bmcatt]

(Note - I'm posting this here because I really don't have any other outlet for how I feel. This may be lounge material and, if so, I ask a benevolent moderator to take the appropriate action.)

This is not an idle question. I used to be pretty patient in a lot of things. There was very little that frazzled me and, generally, I could take those in stride. Now, however, I feel like I'm continually on edge. My wife of 7.5 years and I seem to bicker constantly. I snap at my 3 year old (the eldest of two kids).

At the heart of things, I've come to realize that I'm being ruled by two feelings of dread: 1) fear; 2) being out of control.

Sure, some of that dates back to 4-ish years ago when I left the world of full-time employment. I've been doing independent consulting since then and, while the bills are paid and we're financially safe, there's no sense of certainty. (Of course, there's less of that sense even if I were employed full-time, but, still, even the illusion of certainty is better, psychologically-speaking, then the definiteness of uncertainty.) So, the sense of insecurity that comes from that certainly doesn't help.

But, at a baser level, I realize that my fears are stemming from *being* out of control - in the sense of being powerless to influence the world around me. I've talked, at length, some times, about how I sense that "Bad Things" ™ are coming and are coming soon. But it seems like, in the past, there was always the sense, at least for me, that "Bad" may not be "REALLY Bad", and that we were not near the precipice. Likewise, I also had at least some sense that I could *do* something about things, even if what I did was just phoning my elected representatives or talking to others and figuring out a way to try and make a difference.

I don't feel that way now and, really, I realize, haven't felt that way for a while. I do have the sense that "something wicked this way comes" and, more importantly, it's going to be so big and so catastrophic that the world will truly spin out of control. The sense of dread, of the Sword of Damocles, is becoming overpowering, almost to the extent that I wish I had the sort of personality that would just shut down so I could avoid processing it.

I won't go through and catalogue all of the things that I fear will happen - everyone here has read some of them at one time or another, I'm sure. Ultimately, though, I fear for my sons. I have a 3 year old and a 6 month old. I fear for the world they will inherit. I fear for them even having a world that's inheritable.

I've thought, often enough, about how, should I see the imminent catastrophe, I will do my best to whisk them and my wife away to somewhere safe. After all, we're less than a day's drive to the Canadian and, presumably, from there we could fly to somewhere else. I fear that either I won't be able to do so (in time) or that it won't be sufficient.

What I want, right now, is for the nightmare to end. I want whatever light may exist at the end of the tunnel to not turn out to be an oncoming train. I want to *KNOW* that my children will be safe. I don't think that's too much to ask for, but, sadly, I don't think I'm going to get it. I want, in one of the great ironies of my life, to be proven wrong.

Heck, at this point, I think I even want my mommy (deceased 3 days more than 4 years) to come and tell me that everything'll be all right and give me a hug. I'm not getting that either...

[neweurope]

1. I can't answer and I can't help. I'm being overcome by the same feelings

of dread. The only thing I can come up with for myself is: love and friendship and little networks.

And one - not so little - network is right here. :grouphug:

How does your wife handle both the general situation and your feelings?

-----------

Remember Fallujah

Bush to The Hague!

[bmcatt]

2. Short answer: poorly

Longer answer: She doesn't *quite* think I'm ready for a padded room, but she probably isn't that far off from thinking so. She knows that I'm concerned, and she's certainly no lover of the administration. (She's Russian-born, naturalized to US citizenship a couple of months before the last election.) However, she doesn't see the same sort of patterns that I see (and a lot of us here see), and thinks that, in general, I'm vastly overstating how bad things are and overreacting.

I've told her about the plan to run away and she is convinced that I'm being completely fanciful. I've made it clear to her, though, that if there's a mushroom cloud anywhere, she no longer gets a say in the matter and I'll club her unconscious and toss her and the kids in the car while we run for the hills. I *think* she thinks I'm being cute, but may not realize how totally serious I am about it.

[pitohui]

4. i think you need counseling

if you were my husband and you talked of incapacitating me during a national emergency i would no longer think we were on the same team and i would be exploring my options

my husband and i have been thru catastrophe including katrina, you have to be on the same team, not pumping each other up w. fear and not making wild crazy threats, just doing what is needed to take care of business and move to safety

the mushroom clouds have been hanging over us since 1945 and we're still here, you can live your life waiting to play duck and cover, or you can try to make a good life for your family today but you are never going to have certainty of tomorrow, no generation has had that

some people are never the same after a head injury, clubbing your wife unconscious to get your way is not a funny joke

[madaboutharry]

7. I'm with you, pitohui

You said it for me. I have nothing to add.

[bmcatt]

14. Ok, so I have exaggerated

And "clubbing her over the head" was a joke (and has been said to her jokingly). I would never even seriously consider doing so. I've taken martial arts - I have a better than passing idea of the amount of damage that can be done by hand weapons and would never contemplate doing something like that unless it was against someone who actively was attempting to hurt me or my family.

Having said that, though, the concept of "it's been hanging over us since 1945" is true, but, at the same time, rather silly. After all, we were, for the vast majority of that time, dealing with an enemy who held exactly the same capabilities and, yet, really didn't want to see the world end in fire and ash. These days, I can't even say that about those in my own government.

[hwmnbn]

3. You've eloquently stated my frustrations too .....

I can understand the fear for the children and what kind of world they will inherit. They are not to blame for the mess this repug crime ring has put us in. More than fear I am angry as hell.

My consolation is the only constant is change and our predicament will definitely change. It has done nothing but get worse for the past 5 years. Sometime it will have to get better.

All I can do is continue to work for that change using all the normal channels you describe. If new avenues of action open up, I'll do those too. What I won't do is give up or give in to these bastards. I will accept the fears and frustrations and keep fighting.

I know I am not alone, and neither are you. I think we here are all willing to do much more to help us get out of this mess.

In the meantime I can hug you and your family if only with a smilie :grouphug:

[caligirl]

5. I ranted yesterday, similar things. My sons are almost 23 and 18,

their birthdays are in two and four weeks. People don't support the * administration yet they won't speak out. That was in our paper today, below the fold.

[annabanana]

6. Welcome to DU bmcatt.. Your have company.

I feel it too. And if it weren't for DU, I would be a lot less sanguine. Somehow, with like minded people, struggling to regain some control of the bus, I feel better. Here I can find and celebrate the little victories and the accumulating successes that will see us out of this morass.

[Greyhound]

8. I know just how you feel and I wish I had something to say to make you

feel better. Unfortunately, I concur. I've always been a student of history and according to everything I see/read/hear we are right. I keep looking for something I've overlooked but keep coming up empty. Ironically, I live in an ultra-red area of a red state, and the wackos are just as concerned about the same things (except for the one's that believe the are about to be taken up in the rapture, they're looking forward to all of the rest of us suffering the torments of their merciful Overlord).
One thing that might help, I get more depressed around the anniversary of my Mother's death every year, so maybe that has something to do with it.
Welcome to DU. :grouphug:

[bmcatt]

18. Yeah. Anniversary of my mom's death = bad

Especially since, for reasons that still escape me, I managed to completely miss lighting a yahrzeit this year. The time just passed by and it wasn't until today that I realized I'd missed it. The prelude to my mom's passing was a long short story (synopsis: both she and I were/are only children; her mother (my grandmother - last surviving grandparent) passed away on 9/10/01 - yeah, the day before; 2-time breast cancer survivor; diagnosis of kidney cancer; dead 29 days later) that included a month of hell trying to deal with doctors and getting / keeping her comfortable.

The fact that I hadn't even really thought about it, unless it was subconsciously, makes me think that it may not be a major factor... but, as always, who knows?

[Greyhound]

25. My episode of depression is always the reminder of the anniversary

I'm really bad with dates, often forget my/others birthdays, etc. So I'm just depressed for no reason until somebody reminds me.

[EFerrari]

26. Grieving is not for amateurs.

Everything will be all right.

:hug:
:grouphug:

[Solly Mack]

9. You're not alone and that might not sound helpful - but it can be.

You expressed well what I feel myself.

It helps to talk - and you're doing that. Can't promise a magic wand but folks at DU are kind and caring - and they will listen. They will lend a shoulder. You can talk out your frustrations and your fears.

Fears can build a wall - and that wall will block out patience for anything that tries to intrude on the fear...because a fear must be fed...it must be nurtured - or it loses power. Fear hates losing power. But how to dampen the fear when there really is so much to be concerned about? There are legitimate fears - but even a fear grounded in reality can become crippling if we let it.

I take breaks - even if it's just walking the dog. And I try focusing on the here and now. What I see while out walking. I watch my dog's enjoyment of the outdoors and I take pleasure from that. I take the pleasures found in the little things, as they come, and try and appreciate them - and that's nowhere near as easy as it sounds. For me though, looking at life's chores (walking the dog) can really be either actual chore or a small pleasure shared with someone I love. I choose to see what my dog sees - even if only for that walk - a world of wonders and places to explore. It helps me face the bigger tasks.

[Flying Dream Blues]

10. I hope it makes you feel better to know you have company.

Most days I manage to have some optimism, and DU helps with that. My screenname gives you an indication of just how I feel about the world we're living in right now. I'm a little surprised at the less than supportive responses, because I find it hard to believe that anyone can suppose that we aren't living in extremely dangerous times. I think perhaps being a father of very young children, and your desire to protect them, is playing a very large role in the intensity of your feelings.

I don't think you're crazy, (and I don't believe you are going to club your wife in the head no matter what happens :)) but it's possible that counseling would help you with your feelings of being out of control and the fear of the unknown you are experiencing. Keep in mind that just because you have a combination of sensitivity and awareness that others may not share, it doesn't make you "crazy", but there are ways to help yourself live with it. One idea to consider is that if you do have a concrete plan, it may ease your mind so that you can let go of things more on a day to day basis.


:hug:

[Neil Lisst]

11. First, come over here and let me give you a big old bear hug

I'm old enough to be your dad, and you sound like you need a hug from Dad.

Then, let me assure you many of us have been there.

Having little ones will make you bat shit batty, no lie. You love it, and you'll miss it when they're older, but right now, they keep you on the run. They will test your patience daily, maybe hourly.

As for your general comments, I think it is true across society. We went through the Clinton years constantly putting up with the lies and distortions from his attackers, and now we've had five more years of worse by the Bushies. The constancy of the bickering is draining.

You need a break. Two days with your wife, no kids.

Then you can come back to assessing the dangers for your kids in the long haul, but let me just say that the world will still be here when you're my age and they're your age.

[FogMachine]

12. Do you exercise?

Serious question. if you don't, you may want to try it. exercise is the best stress reliever, way to improve depression that i've ever known. REALLY helps to blow off steam.

[bmcatt]

17. Yes, restarted recently

I'd been taking martial arts (combination of karate, aikijitsu and weapons training) for about 2+ years between the birth of my first and my second. When the second one came along, the times for classes became completely untenable, so I had to stop going.

I've since joined a gym and have started to go a couple times a week, planning for more often as time / work / kids / etc, allows. And I agree - it does help to work up a good sweat.

[Gronk Groks]

13. Remember: We are not Dead yet...

...and you have the advantage of living only an hour from the border.

You might consider returning to the workforce. True, it is only an illusion of security, but it helps to know you have a paycheck coming and to budget accordingly.

Buy some extra canned food and store some water. No, it won't actually save your hide in the case of a full blown emergency, but it can help. Plus you will feel like you are doing something. Just make sure it is something you will actually eat eventually in your normal existence, if such a thing exists.

Get your Passports in order. Doesn't cost much and it will alleviate the some of the fear of fleeing abroad. Contact relatives abroad and just re-establish relations. Good for the family and it will give you a sense of where you can land.

Your wife is Russian? Teach the kids Russian. It will make your wife happy and multilingual kids will find it easier to find jobs in the future.

You are NOT going to have total control. NO ONE does. Not even the Chimperor. Take small steps and deep breaths and hang on to your sanity in a not to sane world.

Good Night and Good Luck.

[bmcatt]

16. Passports are ready for all but the little one

We're actually probably about half a day from the border (central NJ).

Financially-speaking, we're in better shape than my wife is comfortable with. (My mother had the misfortune (?) to pass away before really being able to enjoy her retirement. Hence, we've got quite a nest egg that we're sitting on - not so much that I could blow off work for the rest of my life, but enough so that the consulting I'm doing does, truly, pay all the bills, including health insurance, and keeps us comfortable.) I'm much more sanguine about the concept of asset-based financial security than my wife.

As for passports, I've kept mine up-to-date ever since I had to travel on business in 1987. I insisted my wife get hers within weeks of naturalizing and we got one for the 3-year-old a few months ago. I need to figure out what to do for the baby, but we've got the birth certificates if things were really dire.

The kids are being raised bilingually, although the older one understands much better than he speaks. (Just a fact of life when one of the languages is dominant among everyone else.)

Really, it's not even so much a need to have a sense of total control, but... the total sense of a *lack* of control (no button to push that makes a difference, no knob to tweak, etc), is immensely frustrating.

I'm reminded of a show on PBS many years ago whose mostly escapes me, but I think it was something along the lines of "Common Ground". The concept was to get opposing sides together and try and find the areas of common ground between them. One technique that was used was to have each side attempt to state the position of the other to at least ensure that there was a basic level of understanding between the two sides of the argument. I wish such a discussion would (nay, even *could*) occur today.

[Gronk Groks]

22. Ah, the feeling of "Powerlessness"...

You use to be able to talk to republicans in a rational manner before Rush (Limpballs, er ah Limburger; no, no-thats not it; Oxycontin Man, no its) Limbaugh and his ilk turned hate-radio into reThug mainstream thinking. The closet fascists took control of the GOP and now there IS no common ground.

It isn't the mushroom cloud you have to worry about. It is the police state that they are trying to impose that you have to worry about. Never thought I would recommend escaping from the USA to Russia in case of a totalitarian take-over, but there it is.

If Diebold and the other electronic voting machines have already determined the outcome of the 2006 elections, we are all screwed. I pray that we may still escape from this situation, but I am far from sure of it.

[Pharaoh]

15. Me TOO!

[laura888]

19. Part of being human

Burdens of our over-large brains: the power to imagine, to worry about the future AND to suffer grief, anger or guilt about the past.

I myself suffer from the same worries. But it can literally make you crazy.

I've dabbled in Buddhism - which addresses this human condition. Also, a great book: The Power of NOW - which explores an outlook in which you do nothing but focus on the present.

This isn't necessarily a condition of the current state of affairs - but I think its just gotten worse.

[hopeisaplace]

20. Your post has compelled me to post

This poem that I wrote - basically talks about dealing with
EXACTLY what you're referring too - hopelessness, sense of injustice,
etc...There's a prelude to the poem, that explains the poem...here it is:

Poem, Our True Self, Our Secret Place:This poem, when you first read it, sounds as though it's speaking about passing to the next life. Actually, this poem is written about the place in ourselves, in our spirit, that is untouchable. Through all the stress, pain, confusion and struggles life presents to us, there is, inside of us, a place..our secret place...that nobody is able to penetrate. Personally, I'm able to tap into this inner sanctuary and hope others can find a way to know "that which is only theirs to keep". This is a place where people cannot piggy back their problems and actions onto you. Visualize it as an inner light sorta swirling in the middle of your tummy. It's you. It's the real "you". The untouched "you". The "you" despite the imprint the world has made on your character. The "you" that simply "is". Your own personal connection to heaven or whatever you believe. Almost like a reminder that we are not to let this life overwhelm and consume us to any breaking point because this place is our inner connection to where we really come from and when we are called home (to whatever you believe), this place will blossom like a flower. So stand strong in your day to day struggles and know that in you is a secret place that is ONLY YOURS, and you are always and forever safe there.

TAKE ME TO YOUR BEAUTIFUL

Someday you’ll take me to your beautiful
And show me all the colors there
Someday you’ll take me to your plentiful
And show me time I’ve always had to spare
Someday you’ll take me to your peacefulness
And show me joy in quiet care
I need to feel your spiritual
Where we’ll climb upon your knowledge stair
Lead me to your wonderful
And show me how to dance without a single care
Fly me to your gloryness
Where music plays itself in air
Sing to me collective passions
The Choir freed from all despair
Let me live my life in comprehensiveness
Happiness my gift from prayer
Shine a light within my beautiful
And show me every color there



Edit: Just wanted to add, an expression I love to live by, and it's hard sometimes,
but constantly repeating it helps, it's: "Don't let people rent space in your head"

All the best to you and your family, :)

[Minnesota Libra]

21. You took all my fears and all my dread and gave voice to it, and......

......I thank you for at least putting it into words. Unfortunately, I don't have any of the answers either. I know one thing, we aren't even near done with all this.

I try to tell my family this stuff and they think I'm :tinfoilhat:

[savemefromdumbya]

23. Think of those worse off - it helps

every time I think of our doomed world - I always think of the present and those poor dears who are starving, being tortured, wounded etc. Make the most of the present. The more people put into changing the world for the better now, we will be in a better position in the future. If the meteor doesn't get us first?

[Tsiyu]

24. Sorry things are so gloomy for you

Try living in the present, because it's all any of us really has.

I mean, think about this: On any given day, there are an infinite number of possible calamities that could befall you and/or your family.

Fire, cancer, train wreck, meteor falls on the car, abducted by aliens, wild bear charges into the house, backed-up sewer, cooties.

I'm not trying to make light of your fear, only trying to point out that, even without a shitty leader like Bushhhhh, life can be tragic and take unexpected turns.

If you live waiting for the inevitable fall, you aren't doing much living. Your kids need to remember who you are. Show them a take-charge, brave person, not a fearful, vexed person. Just love them and make memories with them.

If you feel better making plans to escape the US, by all means do so. I am not advocating the Prozac approach to protecting your family. But once you have made your decisions, made your Plan B and Plan C, let go and be a parent and a partner.

That's what you're afraid of losing, right? The family? So make it something worth holding on to.

Me. bhg. Nagonizing again. ;)

[MissWaverly]

27. you have to believe, many of us together equal strength

I give $20.00 a month for a democracy bond, I thought, big whoop, at least it's enough
to feed Socks the cat, he's probably running in '08. But then I read that there are 33,000
people with $20.00 just like me out there. That = $66,000 a month = 792,000 a year. That
a lot of bread for $20.00 a month. Now I am reading that DCCC has 25 million dollars
and the Republicsn have collected like 11.5. But the Republicans say, big whoop, we'll
draw from our war chest. BUT suddenly thanks to the Good Doctor, Dean, there are
Democratic challengers running in districts where they had NO challenger and suddenlty
all across the country, Dems are winning in Republican strongholds. You have to believe,
look at the Ports Deal, we CAN make a difference. Now, there's talk about turning over
the airlines to foreign owners. The one advantage we have is the Democrats would talk
to everybody and anybody, but George hates dialogue, he likes to talk to and not with
folks. He doesn't even watch Tv, so he is not going to change. We have to start
thinking outside the box.

[specimenfred1984]

28. The Entire City of Washington, D.C. is on Edge

At work and at play with all the same behaviors you listed. Repukes know they supported liars and war criminals and we dems know that to even bring it up with them means getting screamed at by an irrational person, just like it has been for years now.

Talking to repukes is useless and it creates a huge vacuum in our culture when millions of people are suffering from self-inflicted denial and delusions bordering on brainwashing. I make fun of my repuke acqaintances for being so stupid which they've been asking for for years as well.

I don't know what else to say except that I see it happening too. A full 1/3rd of our nation has been duped and pretty much destroyed any chance they had of being forgiven by supporting the heinous crimes they've supported.

Forgiveness could begin with holding some of these criminals accountable via impeachment and prosecution for their crimes.

[zippy890]

32. good response

"Forgiveness could begin with holding some of these criminals accountable via impeachment and prosecution for their crimes."

That needs to happen, or I fear for our republic.

[Tuesday_Morning]

29. I hear ya.

I feel the same what.

My current formula for sanity:

1. Do a little something every day to help "save the world". It can be anything. Call a Senator's office, sign a petition, talk politics with the cashier at the grocery store, buy solar batteries, etc.

2. Do a little something every day to enjoy the world. It can be anything. Admire a sunset. Eat a big bowl of pasta. Sing in the shower. Plant a tree.

[lanah]

30. totally relate

let's hope the hundreth monkey is hitting everyone and we will collectively decide that we aren't going to tolerate this bullshit anymore.

We should be impatient. Innocent people are dying every day. The idiots have taken over.

[Festivito]

31. You are describing a future that is not secure.

Your wife and children are not the cause of this security lack, and should not be the recipients of your anger over your having less security. They are to be recipients of your concerns and plans for as much as they are able or needful to know.

You do not describe less patience, rather, misdirected anger.

You will need them, they will need you more and more. Snapping or bickering will only INCREASE risk for yourself and them.

Find a better outlet for your anger, and help us defeat the cause of this risk, this lack of security we feel. A plan to exit is pragmatic. DU feels good. Apparently, you have more energy. I hope you find a good avenue in which to expend it usefully.

Let's defeat the CONs.